Got my Second and Third Chance...and then screwed them up [update]

[colbag]

I guess this really should be in the coping section because of how the story ends, I kept meaning to post this but got distracted. Me and K. started dating at the end of the summer. Everything was great, I felt like she was my best friend first and then my girlfriend, we did everything together and she was the first girl that I could truly feel loved me for who I am fully even with my emotional damages. I admitted to her back in the beginning that I had serious relationship security issues and that I get seriously depressed during the winter.

 

She never really said anything about it and I guess it didn't bother her because we just continued what we were doing. I guess I could say that the fights started in December. She had just finished school and was going into her finals. We started doing this thing where we would get in a huge blow up fight about once a month where we would basically almost break up and then get back together afterwards. We continued to work through it until February like a week before Valentines Day. We were supposed to go skiing and go to the city and it was all a surprise. I ended up telling her about it when we broke up. We got back together 2 days later and we went on our trip and had a blast.

 

When we came back things went back to being distant. Im honestly not sure though if it was her being distant or if its just me being crazy and thinking that because of my security issues. 3 weeks later we got in one of those huge fights and broke up, her telling me i love you so much but we need to grow as individuals before we can be together. Maybe after both of our schooling settles down we can try it again. I was devastated. however we still spoke pretty much everyday or every other day. She finally called me to hang out 2 Saturdays ago. We did all the wrong things, had sex numerous times and hung out the entire day. She didn't want to be girlfriend and boyfriend with me yet she said. She left and the next day I brought her coffee but she wasn't awake, I ended up calling her 3 times before she woke up hours later.

 

She was mad at me for calling so many times and said your intentions are very sweet but they just come off as being very overbearing. So we broke up again. You would think I would give up at this point. She texted me on Friday night "I love you", so i asked her to come over in the morning. Once again we hung out all day and had sex and even got back together fully. She dropped me off at a show that I was going to with my friends and said to let go a little and drink. Of course I'm a fool and drank way too much, when she came to pick me up I was completely blacked out. I rarely ever drink, and I normally stay away from liquor because this seems to happen when I do drink liquor but for some reason I thought it was okay that night.

 

When she picked me up she took care of me all night, when she got up to leave though I had no memory and still don't have her caring for me even though i know that she did. I got upset because I thought she was leaving angrily, so drunk as i was i tried to stop her and grabbed her arm and being drunk ripped her jacket. She ran out of the door and got in her car and besides a few things she hasn't really said much to me, she said move on were done i can't forgive you after last night.

 

So I screwed up my second and third chance...I had it back but messed it up. And part of me 5 days later still wants to text her and have her back but i haven't said anything to her since Monday when she said she doesn't think we should be together, if i can change my bad behaviors maybe in the future but right now she just wants to be friendly. So Im not really sure where I stand at this point. If anyone has any advice let me know.

Edited June 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Heroeric]

Here's the way I see it;

 

You commented on having security issues, alot of times it's easy to come off as 'overbearing' when plagued with something like that. I believe perhaps she was feeling too stressed out having to juggle everything without any time to herself (between work, school, and the relationship the way it was, little time she likely had to herself) and she just couldn't do it anymore. As a man who once had 'attachment anxiety', I can personally relate to your situation. Maybe you were too overbearing. Doesn't make you bad by any chance, just means we gotta keep working forward to the next goal.

 

My recommendation; for now try to push forward with self evaluation, see what problems are there that may have caused issues from your end and make it a goal to work on those. Again I'm not saying your a bad person by any means, you can be one of the nicest people out there, but there will always be those things we gotta work on.

[chados]

You are way to insecure to be dating. You let her be in charge and decide when and how you were gonna hang out together. And when someone wants space. You give them space. And you don't say yes Saturday sounds great. You know she's in charge and that's why you instead say. No I can't Saturday how about Sunday?. If she says no you tell her to give you a call when her schedule is a little bit better. You need to show that you don't need anyone to make you happy. You want them because they deserves you. And do everything to be with you. Don't treat a girl with more respect then you would with a friend. If someone is wrong you tell them and you do not apologize for it.

[colbag]

It's been over 2 months since the actual breakup and over a month since we got back together and I saw her. I definitely screwed myself up and did all the wrong things. I was so depressed that I quit my job, I got a new one now but there's no comparison in the amount of money coming in. I feel like she's having the time of her life and I'm over here suffering. She said she would always care about me but would someone who actually cares about you put you through all this? I know I had my chances but nothing would make me happier then having a reset button to either forget about her or to try again the right way since it seems I'm the one who screwed it all up. I don't know what to do, they say it gets easier everyday but I haven't found that at all. Everyday I don't see or hear from her just makes me feel worse and worse. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Heroeric]

My recommendation is to go no contact for a few weeks, text her something saying how sorry you are from bottom of your heart, but don't make it at all romantic. Tell her how you understand you messed up, don't expect her back, and how you hope for her to have a wonderful life. Then go no contact again, don't even reply to what she says afterwards. Just go no contact, aim at getting yourself better think solely on self improvement, and expanding your Horizons. Meet new people, have new dates, and over the course of several months your ex will likely think to check up on you, see your doing well and making progress, without her, and at that point she may be open to starting again, or you may have found the better person and blow it off. Either way, it's the better way to go about it...

[colbag]

Ive posted in here before, a couple times about my horrible break up. But today we talked for the first time in 3 months and then she ended up coming over to hang out "as friends". While we were hanging out she cried, which is something she hasn't done in front of me in a long long time and told me that she didn't want everything to be so final. She's the one who broke up with me initially and until this point has said that we have no future.

 

Today she told me that the reason she always said that was because she didn't want me to not be able to move on. She also said that she's waited this long because she thought that if we tried again it would be the last time so she wants to make sure that we are mature enough to do that. My thing is that we are both 25 almost 26, i think there is no other time but now. Obviously we both still have feelings for each other especially after all this time but she said she isn't ready to try again. Although we did kiss at the end. She said I miss you and I miss us and what we had but I still am not ready to try again. And that for now she wants to just stay in touch and be friendly and see where it goes.

 

I don't see how she doesn't think that this is very confusing and didn't really offer much else of an explanation so I'm stuck trying to figure out what my next move is and how i am supposed to play this. I haven't contacted her since she left. But all and all that was a strange experience. I didn't think it was going to turn out like that.

Edited June 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Zahara]

And that for now she wants to just stay in touch and be friendly and see where it goes. I don't see how she doesn't think that this is very confusing and didn't really offer much else of an explanation so I'm stuck trying to figure out what my next move is and how i am supposed to play this. I haven't contacted her since she left. But all and all that was a strange experience. I didn't think it was going to turn out like that.

 

You go strict NC. Don't sit around and wait for someone to decide if you're worthy of being in their life again. The only reason dumpers do this is because while they want to end, they also need to have a crutch while they transition through their own emotions towards the next phase.

[colbag]

Well its been about 4 months since we broke up. We talked every once in a while and lately my ex was actually reaching out to me. I asked her out to talk and it somehow turned into dinner. We got dinner and things were kind of awkward but we ended up loosening up and went on a walk on the beach later where I kissed her. We did end up going back to my house and sleeping together even after we said it probably wasnt a good idea. We didnt talk about the break up until the very end and she said she missed me and still loves me but that she really wants to take things slowly. we talked the next day again and everything has been positive. We made plans to go to the beach together on Thursday. I tried to make plans to take her out for her birthday but she said I needed to slow down and see how Thursday goes. I guess I just am not sure how to take it slow. I know if I play my cards right things will work out because thats what she says she potentially wants. I just hope I make the right moves and decisions and Im not getting played.

[MonWedFri]

Best of luck and keep the LS community updated

Edited July 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ponchsox]

How long did you date? This sounds like a quick reunion of lust and I would be very cautious about getting hurt again.

[leoc1973]

I think all the other guys gave you some great advice. Take it from me. I am 40 years old and have had 5 long term relationships. I have been through the wringer and saw almost every scenario you can imagine.

 

You are not getting intentionally played but you are being played. She is still young. Women these days are different than past women. The 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30 sayings are something that they are living by. It used to be that by the time they were 25 they wanted to be settled and have a family but now there is too much world out there for them to see. They hear stories from friends about dating and traveling and they aren't ready to be tied down by 25 anymore.

 

Like I said you are not being intentionally played I don't think. She doesn't want to hurt you but she doesn't feel like she is ready to settle down. She loves you but might not be in love with you. She is keeping you on the back burner in case something better doesn't come along. Notice she pops in once a month to have sex with you and keep her claws in you?

 

I don't care what she says to you or how genuine you think she is. Its all the same read a million stories on here and you will see that they are all pretty much the same. Everyone thinks their relationship was special and true love and soul mates but they are all carbon copies of each other.

 

OK so what do you do? You obviously want her back right? Well I was in 3 relationships exactly like this in my life. I tried eveything. I bettered myself went to the gym.. got ripped went to school took classes, bought a better car, I tried to hit those hot buttons with them where you try to do something that was special to just the 2 of you and nothing ever worked.

 

Want to know what did work? Another woman! In every single relationship I have ever had as soon as I started dating someone new they all lost their mind. I am pretty loyal so when I start seeing someone I won't cheat. So I only went back to one of them out of all my ex's. But you start seeing another girl and as long as you have been pretty honest about your story I would bet a million bucks she would come running back. She will say things like can we work on us? Maybe we are ready to date again ect. Just don't dare make up a fake girlfriend. With the social media she WILL find out. And don't hurt anyone else.

 

OK so if you do get her back you really have to be a man! You are not a doormat. don't be a dick but be your own person. If there is something you really don't want to do then don't and don't revolve your whole schedule around her. Go out with friends. Women respect guys that have lives outside of their relationship. And see a counselor or squeeze your nuts or whatever you have to do to stop being clingy. YOU CAN NOT SMOTHER A GIRL. I don't care if you gave her a disclaimer about having issues or not. You have to stop. Unless you have a girl with no self esteem at all she will not put up with being smothered. Don't question where she's been. Don't accuse her of flirting or getting hit on. You can't do it. Not at all. Not even a little bit. If she knows you don't trust her then she has no reason to be faithful.

 

OK that went on way too long so sorry but seriously take the other guys who posted advice and then take mine and go on some dates. Even if you have to use a dating site. Just don't make up a fake girl. She will find out. I am sure she stalks your facebook. Do some flirting. Remember you are single at the moment. Don't worry about her feelings. I promise you another girl and she will be back. Women are more territorial than men. Think about how bad you would feel if she dated someone else. Imagine giving her those feelings? How fast would she call you if she felt like you do? Right now you are plan B man. You need to get back to being her Plan A! Good luck and let us know what happens.

[colbag]

I know its only been a week now but honestly things have been going very well. We have been keeping our own lives and doing our own thing but also hanging out, i took her to the beach all day on Thursday and it was a lot of fun. She is coming over later today as well. Her birthday is on Tuesday so I am probably going to do something simple but fun. I will keep updated.