mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Was with ex 5 years. She broke up with me because I didn't spend enough time with her/act interested enough in her. Been 9 months. She's contacted since but recently said never got over me and can't find a connection with anyone that she had with me. We've hung out 4 times and she dropped the dude she was seeing (I dropped the girl I was seeing) and we are back together. How successful are second chances? I guess I worry one she was jealous of the new girl and came back, two she was just lonely or three she went out realized she couldn't find better and came back, Also 3 months ago I caught her hacking my FB. Our relationship had a lot of argument first time around but when things were good they were great Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Was with ex 5 years. She broke up with me because I didn't spend enough time with her/act interested enough in her. Been 9 months. She's contacted since but recently said never got over me and can't find a connection with anyone that she had with me. We've hung out 4 times and she dropped the dude she was seeing (I dropped the girl I was seeing) and we are back together. How successful are second chances? I guess I worry one she was jealous of the new girl and came back, two she was just lonely or three she went out realized she couldn't find better and came back, Also 3 months ago I caught her hacking my FB. Our relationship had a lot of argument first time around but when things were good they were great mike, unfortunately for her, it sounds like classic co-dependency. So many women settle for guys who hadn't been showing enough interest, concern for the relationship. She's become accustomed to you and that is bad for her. She, like so many people, over-exaggerate the good at the expense of the bad that clearly was unfortunate and poisonous part of the relationship. She's likely afraid to find someone better than you b/c she's afraid of the unknown, afraid that she won't find someone better even though what she has now doesn't fulfill all of her needs. FAR TOO MANY WOMEN DO THIS. You argued "a lot." You know full well that a stable, good relationship shouldn't be riddled with disagreements. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Jeezus kerrist, Mike, if you're this insecure, give up now, call it a day and wipe your slate clean. it sounds to me as if no matter what time has passed, you are unsure, insecure and hesittant to consider this as a solid possibility... What has changed in your work situation which will enable you to see more of your 'Ex-now-GF-again' (ENGA for short!)? I suggest that if neither of you have done anything to remedy the problems you had, or addressed enmotional issues via counselling, you're just in a same-old-same-old. lather-rinse-repeat situation. This is getting tedious, man... You're so insecure about this - you'd love things to be lovely, rosy and perfect, but in truth, you're just, metaphorically speaking, crapping where you eat.... Do you really want it to be this hard? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 mike, unfortunately for her, it sounds like classic co-dependency. So many women settle for guys who hadn't been showing enough interest, concern for the relationship. She's become accustomed to you and that is bad for her. She, like so many people, over-exaggerate the good at the expense of the bad that clearly was unfortunate and poisonous part of the relationship. She's likely afraid to find someone better than you b/c she's afraid of the unknown, afraid that she won't find someone better even though what she has now doesn't fulfill all of her needs. FAR TOO MANY WOMEN DO THIS. You argued "a lot." You know full well that a stable, good relationship shouldn't be riddled with disagreements. Plenty of couples argue and so far things have been good since we got back together. I just have a lot of doubt in accepting relationships. I get scared Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Plenty of couples argue and so far things have been good since we got back together. I just have a lot of doubt in accepting relationships. I get scared Plenty of couples argue, but when they argue "a lot" then it's a problem. I think you have a lot of doubts accepting THIS relationship, not relationships in general. You really need to move on or make it work. Decide now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Plenty of couples argue, but when they argue "a lot" then it's a problem. I think you have a lot of doubts accepting THIS relationship, not relationships in general. You really need to move on or make it work. Decide now... Serious relationships scare me. I'd rather go back to something I know then jump into something new that may fail Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 If couples were supposed to fight as much as you guys did, I'd buy seven cats and take up basket weaving. Who wants to be in a relationship that's so unnecessarily volatile? Yes you're supposed to fight a little, but not over everything and definitely not if you guys get nasty when you fight. People who fight that much just remind me of the Jerry Springer show. As for you being scared, you need to figure out your own mental mess with this. Going back to some old-shoe relationship just because she mentioned it to you is downright weird. You admitted the other girl was great, and that she saw a lot of potential in you. Why would you drop new possibilities to learn and grow just to go back to some chick you caught lying to you and whom you frequently yelled at? Was the sex that good? Things are good right now because she just got you back and is happy about it, give it two weeks and you two will be in full fighting form, pun fully intended. Protip: you are not allowed to drag the new girl that you ditched for old-shoe back into your mess when you guys split again. As far as you're concerned tht bridge should be burned until you work on yourself and how you see relationships. Why is going back to her just because she mentioned it weird? My feelings came back when I saw her. And I'm not going to drag the new girl back in and whose to say things will definitely fail with my ex Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Why is going back to her just because she mentioned it weird? My feelings came back when I saw her. And I'm not going to drag the new girl back in and whose to say things will definitely fail with my ex Your feelings had never completely gone away. That's why it was so easy to reel you back in. You will definitely fail with your ENGA if neither of you have done a blind thing to remedy or address the schytt that split you 2 up in the first place! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Your feelings had never completely gone away. That's why it was so easy to reel you back in. You will definitely fail with your ENGA if neither of you have done a blind thing to remedy or address the schytt that split you 2 up in the first place! We are going to make compromises and talk about it. That's how we changed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 We are going to make compromises and talk about it. That's how we changed 'going to'...is in the future. You haven't 'changed' yet. I advise professional counselling. And Individual Counselling, certainly for you. Relationships shouldn't BE scary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 'going to'...is in the future. You haven't 'changed' yet. I advise professional counselling. And Individual Counselling, certainly for you. Relationships shouldn't BE scary. We have talked about things and still are. Was 4 days too quick to decide to get back with her Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 4 months would have been better. A lot better. A LOT better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 4 months would have been better. A lot better. A LOT better. We were broken up for 9 months wasn't that plenty of time to think and decide Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 It was 9 months during which you were broken up and nothing was remedied, addressed or altered. Nothing was worked on or improved. it was 9 months you were apart because it hadn't worked. And 9 months were not used to reconstruct your broken relationship. It was 9 months during which no suggestion of trying again ever arose, so essentially, it was 9 months of NOT thinking and deciding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 It was 9 months during which you were broken up and nothing was remedied, addressed or altered. Nothing was worked on or improved. it was 9 months you were apart because it hadn't worked. And 9 months were not used to reconstruct your broken relationship. It was 9 months during which no suggestion of trying again ever arose, so essentially, it was 9 months of NOT thinking and deciding. I see where you are coming form Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Yeah. And we can all see where you're going..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Yeah. And we can all see where you're going..... Which is where Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Look; If you buy a pair of shoes, and they hurt, pinch, aggravate your feet when you walk and are generally uncomfortable, you don't throw them in the back of the wardrobe, then put them on 9 months later, expecting them to now miraculously fit, be comfy and look the business. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Look; If you buy a pair of shoes, and they hurt, pinch, aggravate your feet when you walk and are generally uncomfortable, you don't throw them in the back of the wardrobe, then put them on 9 months later, expecting them to now miraculously fit, be comfy and look the business. Do you? No I don't I think I have issues with communication because the new girl thought we were somewhere we weren't based on how I was treating her. I thought we were just casual. I guess I suck at communicating Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 That, right now, is the least of your worries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike9876 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 That, right now, is the least of your worries. Thanks I know I'm messed up Link to post Share on other sites
MoooOinkBaaa Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I think been broken up for nine months does help regardless. Sometimes it's yourself that you need to fix, not the relationship. Going through a break-up can help you grow as a person and realize what was wrong with the relationship. Maybe you already knew what was wrong but thought it wasn't that important, now you get some perspective. Being separated for song long creates a contrast and the good times stands out with the bad, you need to look at the bad and be honest, who was to blame, why did it turn out that way. You could look back at yourself nine months ago and be honest, have you learned from it? You say you had great times but argued a lot. Well do you know why you argued now? How it can be resolved this time around? If you go back in prepared with a plan you won't hit the floor this time. Don't jump out an aeroplane without a parachute, don't go back into this relationship without learning from the past or you'll hit the floor. If she hasn't learned/grown than you might have to share your thoughts, ideas and criticisms on what needs to be done. If you're both willing to do that it should work. Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Relationships shouldn't be scary or difficult, but sometimes they are. They also shouldn't be boring, stagnant or stale for too long, but sometimes they are. Moments like this happen in every relationship, no matter how long or short. What separates the ones that last from the ones that don't is, simply, what you do about it...what you change. It takes awareness, intentionality, commitment, communication, compromise and, above all else, COURAGE. You should never be with someone because the alternatives are scary. You should be with someone because, even though giving up some of your independence can be scary and having to always consider someone else's feelings can be inconvenient, you want to do it anyway. Tara's right, you need counseling. Both of you do, but especially you. This relationship was rocky and problematic, so what's changed? To use her analogy, you wouldn't put the same awful shows back on...at least not without some serious cobbling...so the question is, have you done the cobbling? Talking about compromising in the future will not fix the core issues unless you fix yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Winter blue Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Plenty of couples argue and so far things have been good since we got back together. I just have a lot of doubt in accepting relationships. I get scared You are in the 'honeymoon' period and it will pass one day. Tara mentioned the 'same old same old' relationship you have, that's exactly it and the same old feeling will come back unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Winter blue Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Serious relationships scare me. I'd rather go back to something I know then jump into something new that may fail OMG. you so sound like my ex. So you think your old relationship will never fall? come on, it failed 9 months ago when you broke up. And the only way to make it work now is if you treat it as a new one. Unfortunately for you it seems anything new will just scare you away. Link to post Share on other sites
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