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She reconciled, may meet up for "First Date"


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Summary: Ex and I were together for about 2 years. She moved to another state (3 hrs away) for work after college. New live, new job, zero friends, depressed--she pushed everyone away (myself and friends included), self esteem issues. We've had communication issues and she called it quits in September. I am on house arrest from Mid September- mid march. She felt that all the pressure was on her to fix things since I couldn't drive down to see her. (Makes sense). Anyways, we broke up a week into my HA.

 

I went NC. She came back, drove 3.5 hrs, showed up unannounced Dec 10th or so. She spilled her guts and apologized, asked for a second chance, commited, she said I was the only one she could see herself with for the rest of her life, and she got scared and ran. She didn't know if she was ready for that. Said anything and everything any dumpee wanted to hear. I told her we'd catch up after her vacation in Jan (gives me time to settle my emotions).

 

We spoke New Years Day via skype for 30 mins. It was fine, nothing special, not good, not bad, pretty neutral. She texted me last week about when she was being home. I told her I'd let her know about meeting up.

 

So we may decide to do that this weekend. We both need we need to start over and build up a friendship before we get physical (started out as hooking up). We need that foundation of a friendship before sex. The ball is in my court (as she put it to me). She knows it is going to take time and hard work and is in it for the long haul.

 

I guess I'm not really here looking for suggestions or tips, just more of venting. I've learned to let go of the past and plan on this encounter as a time to "meet" her for the first time, taking it slow, as any other individual would do on a first date. I plan on being minimal contact and feel things out. If it works, it works, if it doesn't - well, I'm in a better spot now where I'm not blinded by the physical aspect of our relationship making me feel like its "love".

 

I plan on feeling things out with my ex, to see if she is truely being genuine or not (in regards to what she said), or, just putting up a front. I know now that I can't take her word for it from the get-go. She has to re-build my trust (she knows and expressed this). The only way that I'm going to see if she is being genuine is by talking to her, seeing what changes she's made. I know she has made a number of changes already, but I have to determine if its genuine, or as I said earlier - a front to get me back.

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Philosoraptor

Sounds like you're going about this the right way. Understanding that anything that happens would be a new relationship, and not something you can just jump back into. Be patient and trust yourself to make the best decisions for yourself and your future.

 

Best of luck :)

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Sounds like you're going about this the right way. Understanding that anything that happens would be a new relationship, and not something you can just jump back into. Be patient and trust yourself to make the best decisions for yourself and your future.

 

Best of luck :)

Thanks Philosoraptor. We aren't getting back into one right off the bad (obviously) I plan on keeping limited contact throughout this...seeing how things go, and set things up maybe every 3 weeks or so. Starting slow, casual dates here or there, feeling it all out. We both know the old relationship is dead.

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from thora-tiki.

 

"You and he/she have to realise that the old relationship is dead.

 

The old failed relationship didn't work, so bury it.

You want to start a new relationship with him/her that doesn't have all of the same problems as the old one.

But you need to recognise those problems and do something about them,

otherwise it'll end up exactly the same as the old relationship.

 

This is why you do no contact before even trying to reconnect.

But you have to be emotionally ready.

 

Then you can reconnect.

Your reconnection is a «first date» - you are supposed to lay the past failed relationship to rest,

and make way for a new one.

 

Because if you don't, the old failed relationship will always get in the way of the new relationship -"

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from thora-tiki.

 

She and I have chatted a few times regarding everything. She is where I am basing my actions on and have been my guidance. I've been NC, give myself a time to heal. I'm using my restriction of not being able to drive down to see her as a way to force my hand into taking it even slower (if that makes sense). I have 52 days left until I'm done with my HA, which, would be about 2 visits (if going every 3 or so weeks), of seeing her. I've posted in Boblat's (spelling?) thread about learning to let go to give everything a fair chance on getting back together. It would be hypocritical for me to say that, then not do it myself. But, I'm not in a better spot now...which is why I didn't say "yes, lets do this" when she came back. I gave myself time to settle down and let my emotions cool...keep a level head.

 

I've done a lot of soul searching and therapy has helped me let go of the past and move forward. I know it is a new relationship, as does she (we discussed this when she "came back" in December). I don't see this as getting back together, because we aren't (nor will me). If it gets there, its starting new. Its me seeing her, a "date" (if people still call it that now-a-days?? Seems as if its "hanging out" now), feeling out the vibes, look deeper into who she really is and what changes she has made from the past relationship. I'm taking this as I would any other girl...."who are they really...at the core level?"

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She and I have chatted a few times regarding everything. She is where I am basing my actions on and have been my guidance. I've been NC, give myself a time to heal. I'm using my restriction of not being able to drive down to see her as a way to force my hand into taking it even slower (if that makes sense). I have 52 days left until I'm done with my HA, which, would be about 2 visits (if going every 3 or so weeks), of seeing her. I've posted in Boblat's (spelling?) thread about learning to let go to give everything a fair chance on getting back together. It would be hypocritical for me to say that, then not do it myself. But, I'm not in a better spot now...which is why I didn't say "yes, lets do this" when she came back. I gave myself time to settle down and let my emotions cool...keep a level head.

 

I've done a lot of soul searching and therapy has helped me let go of the past and move forward. I know it is a new relationship, as does she (we discussed this when she "came back" in December). I don't see this as getting back together, because we aren't (nor will me). If it gets there, its starting new. Its me seeing her, a "date" (if people still call it that now-a-days?? Seems as if its "hanging out" now), feeling out the vibes, look deeper into who she really is and what changes she has made from the past relationship. I'm taking this as I would any other girl...."who are they really...at the core level?"

 

 

What did you learn most about you?

 

What helped fully let go and make it about you and your recovery?

 

What was the turning point in acceptance?

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What did you learn most about you?

 

What helped fully let go and make it about you and your recovery?

 

What was the turning point in acceptance?

 

This is about me, not my ex. What I realized about myself. I'll touch on my ex (#3), but everything that I've come to realize, and my progress, was about me.

 

1.) A lot. The biggest, that I was dependent on her for my happiness. I saw her as being the one that made me happy, and even when she didn't, I'd look at the good times hoping it would get better. I didn't think I could get through all my **** without her - and look at me, I've been doing it alone since I started. I can actually enjoy being by myself, doing my own thing, playing guitar again (stopped 7 years ago - always wanted to pick it back up but never had the motivation/time - now I do). In short, I focused on me. I learned that I need to express MY feelings, instead of holding them in. I would be afraid of what I would say because I didnt want to hurt her, even if I was hurt. I am able to communicate and express my feelings more. If something upsets me or bothers me, I express that (examples when seeing and setting plans for summer vacations, plans for dinner, ect...just little things that aren't a big deal but never let out, I would express). I learned that I did neglect my friends, and since then rekindled and have hung out with them more often than when we were together. My happiness is dependent on me, not anybody else. People let you down in life, that's just how it is...so why put your happiness in the unknown. You have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. I learned more about fitness and personal heath. The free time cause me to eat better and get in shape more (was in shape before but never had abs or that 'V', now its there).

 

2.) What helped me let go was therapy. I learned that I was depending on her to make me happy. I wasn't happy with myself (I was to a certain extent), but there were things that I wanted to improve on. Communication skills for example. If I didn't go to therapy, I still probably would keep my feelings inside, in fear of upsetting the other person. So essnetially, focusing my time and efforts towards me, my feelings, my health, my work, my relationships with friends that fizzled out...it was about me. I had all these distractions around me that I needed to utilize. I had MY time. The time that I was investing into worrying about the ex, there was a point where I just didn't want to. I was making myself go crazy. Couldn't focus, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep...it just wore me out and I was tired of it. So, after 2 weeks of being a depressed bum, worrying about if she was going to drop me a breadcrumb, loosing 10 pounds....I decided to use that weight loss as a jump start to get into better shape. I put weight back on, and now a leaner me, than I was before. Its when you take the time to just stop worrying about the "What-ifs", that you can relax. It is what it is. I always hoped one day I would come home from work and see her there waiting for me. When I realized that the stress I was going through was taking a toll on my heath, thats when i finally started to let go.

 

3.) I think the above (#2) was a huge turning point. I had known my ex had self esteem issues. But not to the extent that it really was. I was hurt that I didn't know and coudln't help her. I tried, I did...I wish I had known sooner so that I could do something. But this in itself was the biggest turning point. I always did try to help her as best as I could. I realized that sometimes you can't help them - they need to help themseleves. I did everything I could, but it wasn't enough. I saw this as a failure of myself. I took the pain because I thought I failed. When in fact, it wasn't me. It was her. She gave me the "I need to focus on myself" when we broke up. I saw that is "I failed, because I couldn't help her enough". I found out through a friend how bad things with her self esteem were and then it kind of hit me. I didn't fail. The BS she fed me during breakup was the truth. She did need to focus on her, to better herself. Like me, she was not happy with herself - she realized this before I did. So, after we broke up she started running a lot more, getting herself into better shape, losing weight and definatley held herself with higher regard/confidence. I noticed that just from the two times I "saw her" - when she came back and that skype covo 3 weeks ago).

 

There is much more I'd like to touch up on (and most likely will), but I have to run now.

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I'm worried. We've seen here in LS that you're doing really well. We know you're ready.

 

But is she?

 

She told me she knew she screwed up the day she walked out my door, hoping I would come after her. She said the hug goodbye (the 10-15 min hug goodbye), felt right, and was the first inkling that she was making a mistake. She said she didn't want to come back right away because it would seem like this was going to be a regular breakup/run back sort of thing. She didn't want that. She said she knew she screwed up, but wanted to use this time to show me that she has been working on herself.

 

We skyped a few weeks ago and I kept a level head. Made sure not to over think things (which is another thing that I've learned to get better at - I always did that). So, if we do meet, this will help me better determine if she is ready. She made it known that we have to start over, start fresh, a new friendship, and see where things go...but, the only way to know for sure, is by at the very least, talking to her. Trying to see if she is following through with what she says, or just putting up a front (like I mentioned in my first post). Anyone can say what they want, but the actions speak louder than words. She said the right things and has shown me that she has been working on herself - but - to know if it is a sure thing, I have to "test the waters" by contacting her.

 

If she is, great, we keep talking, seeing each other now and then, and seeing where are feelings develop (if at all) and seeing where they go (if anywhere). If I get hints that she isn't ready, then, NC again to continue working on myself, while, she does the same.

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I think you are going about this the right way. You've realized that your happiness is not dependent on her, which is great. I think you should let her do most of the "work" for a few months at least. Let her prove that she is serious, and don't be too available.

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I think you are going about this the right way. You've realized that your happiness is not dependent on her, which is great. I think you should let her do most of the "work" for a few months at least. Let her prove that she is serious, and don't be too available.

 

Yep, that is what I plan on doing. I told her that night she came back, that she completely broke my trust and if she thought it was difficult before, its only harder for her now. She said she knows the damage she has done and knows it is going to take time, but is in it for the long haul...whatever it takes.

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It sounds like you really have your brain wrapped around the situation.

 

Let us know how this plays out. Either way it goes it sounds like you're in a good place to keep moving forward with or without her.

 

Nice work and best of luck!

 

Trick

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Seems like you are doing everything right. Just continue what you are doing. She drove you away so let her put all the effort into fixing the relationship. Keep time together at a minimum because you really don't know if she is in it for the long haul or not. Also continue working on yourself as well, Become a better and smarter person. Make her want your newer self far more than your older self.

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Thanks everyone for your support. I appreciate it. :)

 

I planned on giving her a call perhaps sometime around lunch. That, or a text message. I figured a phone call would be more direct so I most likely will go that route.

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Thanks everyone for your support. I appreciate it. :)

 

I planned on giving her a call perhaps sometime around lunch. That, or a text message. I figured a phone call would be more direct so I most likely will go that route.

 

 

Good luck, update the situation as much as you can, it kinda helps me, need some positive story.... I also hope this will happen to me, I mean a recovery and maybe reconciliation, not the BU, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't single :)

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Good luck, update the situation as much as you can, it kinda helps me, need some positive story.... I also hope this will happen to me, I mean a recovery and maybe reconciliation, not the BU, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't single :)

 

The best advice I can give you is moving on. I was at a point where I wasn't thinking about her all the time. Getting content being on my own. Realizing where things went wrong and working on me. It was then when she came back. I guess to sum it up, I wasn't dependent on her...she realized that.

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Tread carefully friend. I am rooting for you and i hope this works out. It would be nice after everything you went through. Let me know. haydn

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Tread carefully friend. I am rooting for you and i hope this works out. It would be nice after everything you went through. Let me know. haydn

 

Thanks Haydn. I won't know if it will all workout until months from now, but, I'm not getting my hopes up for it. That is a recipe for disaster. I'll see how things go this weekend and take it day by day. I'm just seeing how things go, this weekend, a month from now, two months from now...until I know for sure - which will take time (months) of dating, seeing each other and doing a "test" phase so to speak...

 

I'm keeping myself reserved for now. Trying to read her actions, motives, honesty, while, gauging how I feel throughout it all.

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Thanks Haydn. I won't know if it will all workout until months from now, but, I'm not getting my hopes up for it. That is a recipe for disaster. I'll see how things go this weekend and take it day by day. I'm just seeing how things go, this weekend, a month from now, two months from now...until I know for sure - which will take time (months) of dating, seeing each other and doing a "test" phase so to speak...

 

I'm keeping myself reserved for now. Trying to read her actions, motives, honesty, while, gauging how I feel throughout it all.

 

 

And try not to get manipulated, women are like that sometimes, they use it to get what they want, so be careful. Happened to me so many times, I was weak.

No hopes, no harm.... But don't torture her with push-pull :D

 

Good Luck, and remember, be strong and have it your way, you deserve it.

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And try not to get manipulated, women are like that sometimes, they use it to get what they want, so be careful. Happened to me so many times, I was weak.

No hopes, no harm.... But don't torture her with push-pull :D

 

Good Luck, and remember, be strong and have it your way, you deserve it.

 

Thanks for the insight doc. Yeah, I plan on keeping a level head and not letting my emotions get involved. Once that happens, I'm toast lol.

 

 

I just gave her a call. Short, quick, casual conversation, around a minute or two, enough to get the point across about meeting. She's coming to town tomorrow and is free after 3pm. I told her to call or text me then so that we can get a time and location set. She seemed fine on the phone. Not too eager but knowing her, she tried to down play it, which is why she came off as not being eager - - which in my mind is good in my mind ---not wanting to scare me away. Would you try and scare off your first date? No, nor would I (been there done that before lol). So the fact that it was short, to the point, and more "reserved" is for me, a step in the right direction.

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eachcomingnight

Hey! Congrats to you for taking charge of your life and your happiness. :)

 

I found myself in a similar situation a few months ago. I'll bump the last thread I posted about it if you want to read about a few of the challenges I faced while rebuilding things.

 

It's definitely possible to emerge with a stronger relationship if she truly has changed and is ready, and if you are ready to let the past go. I think the important thing to remember is to try to keep control of things as much as you can - your emotions, how fast things are moving, etc. It's really easy to get pulled back in as obviously you are so familiar to each other even if it's been a while. But at this point you have to decide if this is truly what you want, so take your time to figure things out and let her show you why she is worth you taking this risk on. :)

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Hey! Congrats to you for taking charge of your life and your happiness. :)

 

I found myself in a similar situation a few months ago. I'll bump the last thread I posted about it if you want to read about a few of the challenges I faced while rebuilding things.

 

It's definitely possible to emerge with a stronger relationship if she truly has changed and is ready, and if you are ready to let the past go. I think the important thing to remember is to try to keep control of things as much as you can - your emotions, how fast things are moving, etc. It's really easy to get pulled back in as obviously you are so familiar to each other even if it's been a while. But at this point you have to decide if this is truly what you want, so take your time to figure things out and let her show you why she is worth you taking this risk on. :)

 

Thanks for bumping your thread. I'm glad things are currently working out for you two.

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So first date went well. She picked me up and we went to a diner to grab a quick bite to eat. Conversation was good, casual bs kind of thing. After a while, she started a sentence, something along the lines of "Do we talk about what happened", where I cut her off and said "the past is the past, **** it, its gone. The way I see tonight is a first date. Getting to know each other like anyone else would, because as I see it, the old relationship is dead." She responded with a smile and "thank you". We were done eating in about 25 minutes and then the server dropped the check and never came by to check up on us. She tried to pay for my check, but I told her I would like to pay for my own bill and that I appreciate her offering. We paid, left and drove back to my place.

 

She assumed that we were going back to my apartment (which I would have done as well - I had mentioned a bite to eat and a movie the week prior, so I didn't blame her). She drove 3.5 hours and the conversation was good, so we kept talking over a cup of tea. It was nice. Talking about movies, music ect. We both got hungry (didn't eat much at the diner) and decided to cook some egg sandwiches while keeping up the conversation. Some things I knew the answers to already (as did she), but we just went with it. It was kind of funny how we would bring up past experiences (that we had with each other, such as a concert) and she would say she saw "said band" with a guy she was dating (me), but didn't say me. Then I'd follow up with, "oh really, I saw him too at this venue, maybe we ran into each other or something there." I think the fact that she went a long with everything was a nice way of showing she was willing to put the past behind. Yes, its a little thing..but still. We both mentioned that we were both nervous but, it never got awkward, which is good. My motto is "Its only awkward if you make it awkward". So, that's how I kept it. Being nervous wasn't necessarily a bad thing though.

 

She texted me yesterday telling me how much "she enjoyed spending time with me and having the chance to get to know me again and can't wait until next time." I followed up with a text agreeing and to let me know when shes around next and we'll figure something out. She usually has every other Friday off, however, in 2 weeks she is going on a business trip, so "She responded with maybe next weekend and she'll let me know." I followed up with, keep me posted, if not, then sometime after your trip. Trying to keep it casual. It'd be nice to see her next weekend, however, I don't want to see her too often so things go slower.

Edited by xUnknown
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Did you guys kiss? :rolleyes:

 

Sounds like you know the answer to that one already :p

 

She asked about sex, I said, "we had the breakup sex already, so no, not for a while, until we were in a better place." She said, "I understand, as long as it takes. Then, when we are, we'll have lots and lots of sex", where I sort of chuckled after that. (she implied this because at the end of our relationship we were doing it once a month. She knew our sex life died and now that she is off the pill her sex drive is much higher than it was before). We made it clear that we're going to take it slow, dating, and see where it all leads.

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