16 Days...no Contact. He Dumped Me And Wanted To Be Friends....plz Read

[nikkicam71]

I'm going to try and make this short, sweet and to the point. I was madly in love with this guy...thought he was "the one". I honestly thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Our relationship was wonderful, his family loved me, mine loved him, he was very close to my son. We were unbelievably compatible, couldn't seem to get enough of each other, etc. (I should probably mention that he is younger than I am...none of that ever seemed to matter to either of us, though in retrospect I suppose I should have considered it more than I did.)

 

He had alot going on...he lost his father a year ago, took over family responsibilities...caring for his 17-year-old sister, helping his mother w/ finances and investments, etc (he's only 25). He felt alot of pressure...I tried to help him deal w/ everything, including his emotions regarding his dad's death. He was scheduled to start a new business in June, kind of far away. Required him being out of town three days a week...seasonal business. Anyway, I thought we'd manage things, work things out, etc. About a month before the business opened, he became distant, angry, easily annoyed. I asked several times if he'd met someone else. SWORE it wasn't another woman...up until we stopped talking, still insisted. Anyway, long story short, he ended up breaking up w/ me...not me, not us, cared very much for me, hated doing this to me, wasn't fair for him to break up w/ me, etc, but too much stress and "we" were the only thing he could change in his life right now. Two weeks, no contact. He emailed me, then he called. Wanted to be "friends". He called two times a week for five weeks...finally, after seven or eight weeks post-break up I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I told him that talking to him hurt me too much, that I was giving myself false hope, that he seems very happy w/ his life now and I'm happy for him, but this break up wasn't what I wanted and talking to him made me miss us...didn't want to be around when he started dating someone else (didn't mention that I thought maybe he already had!) Told him that I'm sorry, but being friends just wouldn't work for me right now...if something changed for him, if he missed me and wanted to spend time together or see where things might go with us, by all means give me a call. He apologized for causing me more pain, said he was sorry I felt that way...told me if something changed for me and I became okay with being friends..."whichever happens first"...to please call him. At that point I wanted to scream...doesn't he GET IT?? Anyway, I just said, take care of yourself. Nothing else. He said, you too...I said goodbye and hung up the phone. That was 16 days ago. I've gone thru it all as though we were breaking up all over again.

 

Here's my question...does this no contact thing REALLY work? Even if you stayed in contact w/ the person for 5 weeks post break up? I think the only reason he wanted to stay friends was because he felt guilty for hurting me so badly. He thinks I'm a wonderful person...really admires me in many ways. But I read something the other day...that the person who isn't hurt by the breakup wants to stay friends, while the person who is needs time and space to heal. I'd thought all along that he kept in touch because he didn't want to lose me entirely. He did tell me that this was difficult for him to do..he cried when he broke up w/ me. I'm just really confused. I WILL NOT call him...but I miss him so much and I'd give ANYTHING if he would realize what he lost and call...tell me he missed me...ask to see me.

 

Don't get me wrong...I've accepted that it's over. He's not coming back. I've even gone on a few dates. I love my life and I am happy with my life, with or without him. I just really love him, and I miss what we had. I don't understand, and I probably never will. I guess maybe I just want someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing...NO CONTACT. Because I miss him like hell.

 

~Nikki

[jw32802]

I am going through this too, but I broke up with my ex because he was being too distant for me. we broke up in march but we still talked once a week , it was like a game, he texted me , i texted him blah blah. Then july 1st he was telling me how much he loved me and how he thinks about me all day long and misses me so much and he even came to a bar he knew id be at and i wenet back to his place and when i woke up the next day i found pics of this new girl hes been dating. i ended up calling the girl and turns out they've been dating for the whole time we've been broken up, they had been to florida a few times, she met his family and i was DEVESTATED. I said "i thought that you'd take this breakup and change and realize you've been distant and learn from it, instead you date someone else WHILE telling me you love me so much". He said "You dumped me! you broke MY heart! you moved on". I said "But thats cuz you werent treating me well, i thought you'd wake up and see that". anyway i changed my phone number and it has been 13 days since i last contacted him and Im going thru hell. I feel like "doesnt he miss me, did this new girl make him forget all about me??" its killing me, mornings are the worst, what i did was write down all the things about me that i know he cant find in another girl. i havent dated because im too nervous, its been so long! but i tell you, do NOT contact him. we can help each other! you can email me if you want [email protected]

[crazydawg]

whats funny about this post is that its been 16 days since no contact for me and i finally get an email. Basically she states that she heard about my new job and is happy for me and she wants to know if anything is new and hows my family. She said that i should talk to her because we agreed to be friends and to write her back when i get the chance. I'm thinking i shouldn't i'm starting to realize how ****ed up she was to me when we broke up. It kinda feels good because she knew i'm not the one to ever give in however dearly it kills me inside. She got back with her ex and supposedly likes it that way. For now...... But to be honest with you NO CONTACT did work. I got what i wanted i wanted her to contact me first but i dont feel the same way i tihnk i'm going through the grieving process and agreeing that if she doesn't make an effort to win me back why shud I it kinda even disgusts me knowing that someone else is having relations with her especially someone i abused when i was with her.

You know girls throw the red flags when they're going to break up with you what i noticed so far is

 

1. They start distancing themselves, or they have more time with friends

2. For some reason they don't want to come over your house anymore (be it guilt or something else)

3. They start to wander, or in other words can't look you in the eye.

4. And they become less affectionate.

 

These are the red flags i learned anyone else can add to that?

[nikkicam71]

Those red flags are the same for guys reddawg. Mine pulled away, became distant and easily annoyed...unaffectionate....NO sex for three weeks before we broke up. No time to spend the night...spent time together when intimacy was not really an option. That was one of the major reasons I thought there was someone else. Still, he insists that there absolutely wasn't, that he didn't break up with me to date other women...that he doesn't want to date anyone.

 

You and I differ in one aspect....mine contacted me after two weeks...he wanted to do the friend thing as well. I tried, I really tried. When we broke up he told me it was selfish of me to not be friends just because we couldn't be together, that if we cared for each other as much as we said we did, we should at least be friends. After five weeks of listening to him, "just talking", hearing how wonderful his life is without me, i just couldn't take anymore. Now he knows not to call unless he's having second thoughts and misses me/wants to see me. Just be careful...I felt like I was being strung along. Like I was his security blanket...I was there for him, but he didn't have to put in the work. I couldn't take it.

 

I know that mine will probably not be back. As much as I hope he'll break and contact me, I know he was sincere in his desire to break up. He seems very happy with his life. I do hope that this no contact thing brings him around, but at this point, I doubt it.

 

~Nikki

[crazydawg]

Everyone's been preaching the same thing, about having hope but moving on. In reality i think we are all wrong as much as we don't want it to be, Its over. We've all heard the dreaded variations, like lets be friends, its over, i need space. Its all mumbo Jumbo if they loved you then it shouldn't take more than a few days for them to overcome there anger or whatever they have against us. Usually they want out and its for good. I say usually because i'd say 90 percent is an accurate amount. It takes alot for them to break up also but i feel that, because i've been a dumper also, that we look for excuses to break up with them and that is our justification todo what we do. Its usually over someone else also. I'm glad that i found that this board because i'd be making the same mistake my ex did when she tried contacting me begging me, i didn't even feel bad about it. Of course i found someone else at the time but i always wondered about her when she wouldn't contact me and in my head i would justify what she did wrong even tho i could've been more understanding i was selfish just like most dumpers are, i was mad about this and that, But till this day i still feel bad for what i did and i still love the person, just not in love with them. We are always here weeping and moping about how we want our exes back, but do we really need them. I mean i think its just infatuation with us that we want what we can't have. We want this we want that there's to many wants and we just have to let things be. I'm sure 90 percent of the people on this board will move on to better people. This generation is very tuff i'm a young guy 21 and since i was 18 i only wanted serious relationships and i've been in 2 both for about a yr and half. They both lost interest in me, and i noticed that it was mostly because i wasn't being a challenge. I was being to nice and always there for them and they got bored of me. I have no one to blame except myself for that. I know that i have to change and put myself first in my life. This is how its going to be from now on i hope u guys get the same idea

[kodiak]

I know that no-contact is horrible and it sucks so bad. I have been doing it and i have had a really tough time with it until i realized something. Im far from any expert on relationships or how to get back with your ex. If you read my post "just need some advice, thanks", you will see that i screwed up with a great girl. What i realized is that no contact is a win-win situation. Why? Well because either two things will happen from this and only two things. Either your ex will begin to miss you and realize what they had when you are not there to pressure them anymore or call them. Or you will just move on and forget about them. i know that it seems impossible but it will happen. There are so many stories of people reconnecting with there old loves down the road. I am surrounded by several of my friends who this happened too. Watch the movie Swingers. There is a part where they are talking in the beggining at a cofee shop. One of the characters is talking to Mikey(the guy who wants his girlfriend bacK) and he sees that right now you have to pretend that you dont want her back. Mikey then says, "well i really want her back and i want to get her to come back" His friend replies with " you see right now you can only do things to make her not wanna come back" He is referring to calling her and stuff which Mikey wants to do so bad. Anyways watch that move and you will see what i mean, its a great part. Another part is Mikey asks the same friend "how did you get over her"(referring to his friends ex). His friend says " Sometimes it still hurts but each day you wake up and it hurts a little bit less, then one day you wake up and doesnt hurt anymore" Thats the best line ever, because its so true. So Nikkicam i hope this kinda helps you. No contact is good for those reasons. Dont feel that just because you dont call your ex that he will forget about you and the chance to get back together is over. If he truly loves you it wont happen. Remember, tommorrow the sun will rise, and you never know what the tide will bring in. Maybe tomorrow is the day that your ex might just call you. Good luck!!!