I slept with my ex-husband

[liberty66]

My ex and I separated more than two years ago and have been divorced about a year after a nasty divorce. We recently started talking again and parenting our little girl together, so things between us became very civil. About a month ago, I started feeling like I wanted to sleep with him again. I tried to shake it but couldn't, especially since he's very attractive. A couple weeks ago I left him a message saying that I though we should use each other for sex, and we did within a few days. We did it again this past weekend.

 

Now I keep hearing that this is a bad thing, but I'm not sure it is. I definitely got some closure from it, BUT.... there is a big part of me that wishes we might reconcile, so I'm not sure what to do. He definitely is enjoying what we're doing, but he's also playing a game of who wants who more, and keeping his emotions to himself. I guess what I want to know is, how do I find out if he's with me during these times because he still loves me, or if it's for nothing other than sex? I have done all of the initiating. Should I cut it off? Do you think if I do, he'll start calling me? This is a strange situation because there is no communication on any deep level. Neither one of us will go there. I don't want to know if it's right or wrong, I just want someone to help me play the game.

[supermom]

This situation is really hard. I did the same thing too w/ my ex, but the horrible part, is that I was in a relationship at the time and so was he. He used me. Talked me into it saying "we're still married, technically we are cheating on each other".

 

Unless the lines of communication are open, you may be being used. When my ex and I first seperated, we had that agreement because we were both scared of moving on sexually. We stopped when he found a gf.

 

It is really hard, I remember. You shared a life together. Especially when you have a child.

 

See if he would consider reconsiling (if thats what you want), because if not, you will either have to be okay with just being a sex toy for the moment, or cut it off.

 

Good luck

[liberty66]

We're communicating, but not about our feelings - emotional anyway. I started this whole thing off to use him as a sex toy, which I'm still okay with doing maybe a few more times. Neither one of us has been involved in a relationship since we ended. We've dated people but nothing serious, and I have not had sex with anyone since him. He was kind of my way to get back in the game again.

 

But like I said, I still have feelings underneath it all, and a part of me wants him to want me back. Maybe it's to get over that rejection thing? Or I just want to know that he realizes he screwed up, but he's way too good at keeping his mouth shut and doesn't let feelings slip. We talked about a lot of things the other night - jobs, our child, etc., and it was kind of nice to talk to him again, but once the night is over all communication ends. He said that he likes that I'm the one calling him for sex, it makes him feel good, but he shouldn't have to call me since it was my idea. I have to agree with him on that one. Hehe. All in all we're playing a game with each other. I know he;s loving the attention, but how do I turn the tables because I do believe he won't be thrilled if I'm not around anymore, but I'm not sure he'd do much to keep me coming back. Does this make sense?

[mandrews1119]

Hello Liberty,

How are you? My name is mandrews, and I haven't posted for a little while (hi to all you guys that remember me! ), but I read your post and had to say something.

 

As a guy who was left, I would die for the chance to reconcile with my ex, and certainly for the chance to be intimate. The key for you is to focus and stay focused on what you (both) really, really want. Get it out and into the open, and proceed from there. do NOT allow yourselves to use each other and walk away with LESS than you have/had. The worst that will happen is that you will have some clarity about what you are doing, and some honesty between you. The best is that you find you still have a chance at making it work again. Best of everything to you.

[wildturkey]

Reconciliations are always best. Not because I am waiting for one but I have always thought of saving a marriage. I could not save mine so I had to move on. As far as the sex with your ex listen to your heart. You know the answer as far as right or wrong. I have heard that sex with the ex is very common.

[mandrews1119]

Dear WT,

I agree, saving a relationship/marriage to me also always seems best. Whether it is the power of change, or the strength of reuniting, I think once both parties can commit to making it work and ostensibly work better, there is a bond there that makes it more than worthwhile. Best of luck to all.

[liberty66]

Yeah, I do agree, but I'm not so sure reconciliation is the best thing in this situation. There is a definitely a part of me that still loves him, but he has not changed enough to be a responsible husband, and I won't put my future or my kid's future at risk to carry around dead weight.

 

Although maybe I'm wrong, maybe he has changed and I just don't know enough about him yet. We've been apart two years, we're divorced, and a lot of bad things happened. But I do believe that there are people out there who should have never divorced, who could have made it if they stuck it out, and who found out what they lost a little too late. For now I'll wait and see if he calls me for sex tonight after he drinks a few beers.

[wildturkey]

When your heart talks listen. You know your situation best. Explore and look to see if any indicators have changed. Specially those which made him your ex. May be new good indicators as well if he has changed. I sense lingering love. It is not a bad thing. I would check it out cautiously and give it a try without too much exposure. WT

[wildturkey]

make sure that your emotional bank is protected. Do not think about the past. Convert it as an experience.

[Megan5P]

Isn't an "ex" an "ex" for a reason? I think it's normal to still feel for someone you were once married to and depending on how things ended - and if the two of you had children together - there's always "feelings" there. It's convenient to go back to whats comfortable and familiar but are you really giving yourself a chance to move on and find a more healthier, stable relationship?

 

We all would rather run back and have sex with an ex instead of deal with the dating scene and new relationships. It's easier. But eventually things go right back to where they were when you called it off with your ex. Old resentments and anger return, you start arguing, etc.

 

Then if your ex starts dating someone else what recourse do you have? You two are divorced - he/she is free to see others.....it opens a whole new can of worms.

 

Have sex with your ex but keep your head clear and realize this is your EX for a reason. It didn't work before - what makes you think it will work now? Don't settle because you're afraid to meet someone new who is more better suited for you.

 

Sometimes it's just best to cut the umbilical cord that's keeping you attached to your ex. Move on and make way for a more healthier relationship. It ain't easy but it's the smarter thing to do. Years from now you'll look back and think how much time you wasted dragging out that separation from your ex.

 

Just my two cents.

[aFighter]

oh no no no no, even 'Using' him for that was a bad idea. You caved in big time, sorry.

You were apart, you were done, why on gods green earth would you even contemplate being intamate again? It boggles the mind.

 

Are you still in love with him and don't want to admit it?

 

If you're not *seriously!* thinking of getting back together then you should just walk away now. You're only toying with his emotions & making yourself look weak.

[mandrews1119]

Hello Liberty,

How are you? As you can see, there are generally two schools of thought (at least) about this subject, those who believe a reconciliation can be possible, and those who do not. We all bring a piece of ourselves to LS, and I think we are all shaded by our individual circumstances. IMHO, as long as you are as clear as you can be about your own motives and feelings, I find it better to follow your heart and instincts, rather than to wonder "if" at a later date. There is no need to "use" each other, but at the same token are you both being up front about what you are doing and why? At some point the air has to be cleared. From your perspective, you are seeing if he has made change enough to try again, and that is honorable. You should also ascertain where he is coming from, and make you decisions wisely. There are the two of you, and the children to consider. No one on LS can make these choices for you, but we sure can sit out here in cyberspace and wind up giving our two cents' worth and lots of people will be cruelly critical of you for not making the choice THEY would have you make (but not necessarily the one they made, or would make themselves). Keep your eyes wide open and follow your heart. hopefully it will all go well. Best of luck.

[liberty66]

Thanks mandrews!! I'm not really concerned about what was said. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but most of those that tell you not to go back are just bitter about their own past relationships that didn't work out. I am not one of those that can hold on to hatred. "aFighter" said that sleeping with my ex was toying with his emotions and making me look weak. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. My X and I are old enough to make our own decisions. We like being intimate with each and and for now we are keeping our emotions in check. In the meantime we are becoming friends again and starting to care what happens to the other. I think that's a great thing since we share a child. I still don't know that I would ever get back together with him, and I don't think he knows either, but if my child can have two parents that are good friends instead of two parents that hate each other and argue all the time, she's a lucky girl. I've seen the way some divorced people treat each other and it's horrible. To aFighter - am I still in love with him and not admitting it??? I never stopped loving him... a part of him. There's a part I hate and a part I love.

 

I saw him again this past Saturday night, and I've come to the conclusion that we keep saying we're "using" each other for sex, only because it's a good excuse about why we like spending time together. No one has to admit any feelings yet, we just "use" each other as a smokescreen for testing the waters. It's obviously more than sex because it's continuing. Whatever happens happens. I'm not pining for him, and neither is he. We have a long future to be involved in each others lives because of our kid, so there is no rush. The air will be cleared when we are both ready. There is a lot of bad past to put behind us and for now it's best if we don't talk about those things. Negativity is not going to solve anything.

 

Thanks for the support mandrews. To Megan5P - and ex is not always an ex for a reason, or rather a good reason. Sometimes people make bad mistakes out of immaturity or life problems. They lose someone they never intended to lose. That doesn't mean it has to be permanent. Love takes many different paths.

[mandrews1119]

You go, liberty!!!

 

You pegged it just about 100% about the nay-sayers. I wish you the best of luck with things for everyone's sake, and I hope my ex one day can give our love the same consideration. Mandrews out.

[liberty66]

So what's the story with your ex, and how long has she been an ex? I'm sure there's posts around here somewhere, but give me a quick version or link me to the background. I'm hoping my ex calls me this weekend. I'd like to see him, but it's his turn to make a move, so I'm not calling him if it kills me.