emotional immaturity - are second chances possible?

[rakasan]

Broke up with my ex not too long ago. We had been fighting too much and really hit rock bottom as of late. We tried taking breaks and getting space but we were just so drawn to each other we would be back together before truly being able to work on the reasons that drove us apart.

 

Looking back on the relationship, I realized I was really emotionally immature. I would get upset over the smallest things. I was selfish. I threw tantrums. He was infinitely more emotionally stable and more mature and forgiving than I was and rather than working on myself, I felt guilt and self-pity and self-loathing. I have come to realize that this a main contributor to what caused our relationship to spiral downwards. It got to a point where our arguments became unhealthy. I knew I had to end things before it got worse.

 

He was really opposed to the break up. He really felt like we could work things out together, but after a huge blow out I finally realized things - I - needed to change. Not for him, for me. To become a better person who could have a fully functional relationship. We both acknowledged after a lot of talking that this was the only option for us. Staying together just wasn't feasible until we truly grew and learned from the mistakes we made.

 

My question is (and this is mostly directed at people who have been with someone like me): is there even a possibility for a second chance? Is there a point where a genuine effort isn't enough to wash away all the crap from our past?

 

Raka

[todreaminblue]

theres a song called anything is possible..and it is truth in lyrical form....forgiveness is huge in my book......i could not be with an unforgiving judgemental person...because to me being unforgiving means that you judge.......you hold a person up to be not worth forgiveness....and to me the only beings who are not on earth btw who can judge a person worthy or not worthy of forgiveness is god and jesus christ...what is really cool is the greatest beings in existence are the most forgiving......

 

everyone can change........anything is possible and forgiveness is divine in nature....yes you are surely worthy of forgiveness when you admit to what went wrong and accept your part then feel remorse which i think you do from your words.............so i wish you well and hope things work out for you....d.eb

[rakasan]

thanks todreaminblue!

 

Just to clarify what you are saying, do you think that so long as we both forgive each other for what has happened then we stand a fighting chance?

 

The fight that triggered the break up was mostly on his part. It was extremely messy and I was left very, very hurt. I have accepted it and forgiven him. It pains me to say, but my close friends feel like there is just no going back after all the things we have been through. I find it incredibly disheartening.

[Polak]

Agreed. Sounds like if he was initially against the break-up, there may be some spark left in him to attempt to get things going again with you guys. Forgiveness is indeed an amazing thing. Just make sure to let him know that not only are you sorry for how you acted (immature, selfish, anything else you were mentioning) but that you are also going to try your hardest to be better. Try to be the best version of yourself.

 

Obviously, many times it isn't until we actually lose what we have, for us to stop taking it for granted and see how wonderful it was. It's a great way to evolve ourselves into more mature individuals.The beginning of the process is realizing your mistakes. And you've already realized many! There is definitely still hope.

[HorseLuck]

Rakasan, I don't have the answer but I can say I'm similar to you and dealing with what sounds like a similar situation. Personal development and growth takes time. Imo years. Do you have self-esteem issues?

 

What were his thoughts on the matter after agreeing to end it?

[todreaminblue]

thanks todreaminblue!

 

Just to clarify what you are saying, do you think that so long as we both forgive each other for what has happened then we stand a fighting chance?

 

The fight that triggered the break up was mostly on his part. It was extremely messy and I was left very, very hurt. I have accepted it and forgiven him. It pains me to say, but my close friends feel like there is just no going back after all the things we have been through. I find it incredibly disheartening.

 

 

you sound like me ...disheartening is a favourite word of mine.... closely followed by woebegone...woe...be...gone/......its funny when you separate the words it has exactly the opposite meaning....strange...anyway sorry tangent.....

 

 

yes you do ...when you fight with someone friends get their back up and defend mode comes in...dont listen to your friends

 

 

 

go by what your own heart says and that of the other person that you care about ...work it out together.....the others can build bridges and get over it if you are happy on resolution.......:bunny: do what you feel is best for your future not what someone else feels is best for you they dont have to live your future do they ....

 

 

if all married couples broke up over fights....you do realize no oen woudl eb married.......forgiveness is divine......that should eb enough said......in cases fo infidelity and physical abuse it i stoo much to get over.....trust me ...i am very forgiving but when infidelity and abuse is involved it scars your heart and it cuts deep........but fights and words....words are just that........words can change you know....ahhh tangent now makes sense..i wish my inspiration spirit would slow down and let my brain catch up.....woebegone.......

 

 

 

means to have woe

woe ....be..... gone.....means to want the word woe gone

 

 

you can decide to base your resolution on the first words or the last words that could banish the first words.......i always go with the last words.......because first words said in the heat of an argument are the words that you wish on hindsight are words that were never said ....and an apology is normally part of the last words .... ...equals forgiveness and new words to build.....i am also one to forgive before an apology is even said i might be hurt but holding a grudge ...not my

style......people are scared to apologise to me......because normally when they have to its for something pretty bad.......and they arent scared because they think i wont accept it people around me know i cannot hold a grudge even when hurt i can only be hurt by peopel i love.....my love doesnt fade ...hurt just blooms......... i always do forgive even from infidelity but thats a deal breaker i dont trust after that and hold little respect for any words said...i have respect for people who admit they were wrong..and i would always give second chances........its because they have extreme guilt they are scared to apologise to me..........there are so many complexities in non forgiveness...so simple to accept one...you will work things out......i really pray you will.....hugs..deb

[rakasan]

hey Polak!

 

Thank you for your kind words. This is my first serious relationship and he and I have been through major ups and downs which is why I can't even blame my friends for supporting a final break up between us. People who don't know the whole story would probably think that it is just another story of first loves who can't let the relationship go because of the pain (and who knows if it is) but (and sorry if this sounds cliche) this time I feel could really be different... so long as I stay true and commit myself to growing as a person.

 

We are truly broken up at this point and have acknowledged that in our time apart if one of us decides to move on and see other people, that we would prove how much we have grown by accepting it gracefully, wishing each other the best and moving on. It is so daunting to feel like there is a chance that it is really over, but at the same time I do just want him to be happy. Despite our problems, he was really great to me until things started to go downhill but everyone has their breaking point. I just hope it isn't too late to salvage things...

[rakasan]

i have respect for people who admit they were wrong..and i would always give second chances........its because they have extreme guilt they are scared to apologise to me

 

I can understand that... He felt like I had problems saying sorry in situations when I was wrong, but in hindsight I had nothing to be afraid of! I feel so silly looking back on the way I acted.

 

Another question I would like to pose is, during this break up.. should we stay in contact? I don't want to be tempted once things have settled down to just get back together again (assuming he wants to) but I also feel like I want him to know I am actively looking back at the mistakes I made and trying to better understand them and see what I can do to be better. When we broke up, we said that we would move on and let things settle and maybe try again if our paths cross. We said that even if we end up not working out that we would find happiness and look back fondly at our time together. I don't want to hinder him from moving on if that is what he wants and reading some posts on this forum makes me wonder if NC is the way to go and just see what happens.

[HorseLuck]

 

We are truly broken up at this point and have acknowledged that in our time apart if one of us decides to move on and see other people, that we would prove how much we have grown by accepting it gracefully, wishing each other the best and moving on. It is so daunting to feel like there is a chance that it is really over, but at the same time I do just want him to be happy. Despite our problems, he was really great to me until things started to go downhill but everyone has their breaking point. I just hope it isn't too late to salvage things...

 

Well. Honestly it's of my opinion you shouldn't hold on to hope because if you do and he does end up meeting someone else, it will be even more detrimental to you. I'm not a fan of having hope, it can set one up for wishful thinking and being lead on. You need to prepare yourself for the worse case scenario. Thinking that it won't work out may even motivate you more.

You can't foresee the future, focus on your present self. Also suggest going no contact. Best of luck

[todreaminblue]

I can understand that... He felt like I had problems saying sorry in situations when I was wrong, but in hindsight I had nothing to be afraid of! I feel so silly looking back on the way I acted.

 

Another question I would like to pose is, during this break up.. should we stay in contact? I don't want to be tempted once things have settled down to just get back together again (assuming he wants to) but I also feel like I want him to know I am actively looking back at the mistakes I made and trying to better understand them and see what I can do to be better. When we broke up, we said that we would move on and let things settle and maybe try again if our paths cross. We said that even if we end up not working out that we would find happiness and look back fondly at our time together. I don't want to hinder him from moving on if that is what he wants and reading some posts on this forum makes me wonder if NC is the way to go and just see what happens.

 

 

unless you are totally sure you are ready to move on and forget him entirely dont go no contact, its not a tool to work out problems....its the opposite......crossing paths eventually isnt no contact to me its a break but not no contact... you contact him and say hey lets chat and do it in person always make an apology in person shows real guts......or by voice......not by text or mail its impersonal and meant to be a barrier to make either one or both feel comfortable, thats why i text people who i feel arent too comfortable with me just calling and saying hey......or i am gradually building up a rapport

 

 

i would suggest see them in person and talk about what happened be honest...and be honest with why you think it went pear shaped...if this relationship is important to you or to them then this is the perfect time to analyse.....analysis helps define what needs to be done to move on together or apart........apologise ....conflict resolution milItary style by the book calmly with thought for the other person and their opinions and ideas.Never deny what they say or debunk what they tell you they feel, never ridicule and use complete honesty

 

 

 

say look what do you feel we should do ....and be honest with what you want to do or feel you want and if it is to move on adn he feels the same...weigh up options and have a really respectful heart, then you part amiably or your relationship moves from strength to strength with positive communication done honestly...complete with understanding and compassion for each other......thats my opinion....and what i would do..... i can and have resolved many fights this way......including fights between others ill mediate smack bang in the middle.... until they talk with calm voices.........i hardly ever lose people i care about for this reason.......compromise forgiveness compassion respect and the ability to admit your mistakes even when the blame is often on one person....there is always blame on the other half.....always...... pure fact.....all positive to reconciliation or an amiable split...good luck...deb

Edited September 30, 2013 by todreaminblue

[rakasan]

Hey Horseluck,

 

I completely agree. I say to myself I am prepared if he moves on, but I know it will be a blow nonetheless. At one point during our talks (before he agreed), he was the most emotional I had ever seen him. He went from pleading with me to just let us be together and try one last time to asking me to tell him I don't forgive him for what he as done because the hope would hurt too much. I told him I wasn't going to lie and that I do forgive him...

 

We both confess that we still love each other. He wants an open line in case either of us needs to get something off our chest and repeatedly tells me he is always here for me. But despite all this, knowing him in order to deal with the pain he is likely functioning on the premise that we are not getting back together. Which is probably the best move to make. All I asked was for him to be completely honest with me and if he ever comes to the realization that he does want to cut it off, I will hopefully have the strength to (not cry ) understand and let him go.

[rakasan]

Also,

You can't foresee the future, focus on your present self. Also suggest going no contact. Best of luck

 

One of the points he brought up when he was against the break up was that if we were to end things, how would we know that progress is being made? I told him that I understood that point, but mentally after all the fighting and hurt that had occurred in the recent weeks (on both ends), I just couldn't risk staying in the relationship without healing and having that baggage carry over again. I don't know if he still feels this way, but I have contacted him since the break-up with some of the realizations I have come to and some things I plan on doing to get myself back on track. He hasn't responded yet (it's been a few hours) and if he doesn't I'll likely back off a bit and just let things fall into place the way they are supposed to.

[rakasan]

Never deny what they say or debunk what they tell you they feel, never ridicule and use complete honesty

 

Great advice. Wish I had realized that months ago.

 

 

say look what do you feel we should do ....and be honest with what you want to do or feel you want and if it is to move on adn he feels the same...weigh up options and have a really respectful heart, then you part amiably or your relationship moves from strength to strength with positive communication done honestly...complete with understanding and compassion for each other......thats my opinion

 

Yeah.. if there was ever a time to redeem myself if it is really over it would be if he feels like he doesn't want to give us another go. I have to find it within myself to be as accepting and respectful of his decision as much as possible. It will be hard, but the last thing I want would be to drag out something he doesn't want any more.

[HorseLuck]

Hey Horseluck,

 

I completely agree. I say to myself I am prepared if he moves on, but I know it will be a blow nonetheless. At one point during our talks (before he agreed), he was the most emotional I had ever seen him. He went from pleading with me to just let us be together and try one last time to asking me to tell him I don't forgive him for what he as done because the hope would hurt too much. I told him I wasn't going to lie and that I do forgive him...

 

We both confess that we still love each other. He wants an open line in case either of us needs to get something off our chest and repeatedly tells me he is always here for me. But despite all this, knowing him in order to deal with the pain he is likely functioning on the premise that we are not getting back together. Which is probably the best move to make. All I asked was for him to be completely honest with me and if he ever comes to the realization that he does want to cut it off, I will hopefully have the strength to (not cry ) understand and let him go.

 

Eh. It's a saddening situation. What he said initially is sweet. Just consider the possibility of him meeting someone while also having you in his life. Win win situation for him. If things didn't work out with her, you might be the other option. It wouldn't be fair if you haven't moved on. A friendship is salvageable usually down the line, as time goes by. I know it sounds nice now, but having him in your life wouldn't postpone the pain of the break-up. It would be considerably worse, for him especially, keeping you both in a prolonged period of pain.

 

Consider my situation. We didn't end on horrid terms and we wanted to stay in each others lives, but I decided I couldn't handle it. It would allow me to stay latched on, needing something from him he can no longer provide. He said there was a possibility of us getting back together in the future and I wanted that, but I couldn't take maybe as an answer. I needed a yes or no. Keeping contact is rarely ever encouraged.

Edited September 30, 2013 by HorseLuck

[rakasan]

I know it sounds nice now, but having him in your life wouldn't postpone the pain of the break-up. It would be considerably worse, for him especially, keeping you both in a prolonged period of pain.

 

The more I think about it, the more I feel so confused. I feel like the only thing I wanted was for us to do whatever it takes to be a better couple. I told him I felt like he was focusing too much on wanting to stay together and not on the reasons why we kept getting pushed apart. Having tried "breaks" and "space" I just felt like this is what needed to be done. I truly don't want it to be over. I just don't want to be in the same situation we found ourselves in when problems were just getting swept under the rug.

 

He said there was a possibility of us getting back together in the future and I wanted that, but I couldn't take maybe as an answer. I needed a yes or no. Keeping contact is rarely ever encouraged.

 

How you felt was understandable. I will never be able to fault him for feeling that way, even if it hurts. I felt like I initiated the break up with only our best intentions at heart. The only thing that really helps me get through this is knowing that what is meant to be will happen. Focusing on being the person who is able to truly accept that is the best thing for me right now.

[HorseLuck]

The more I think about it, the more I feel so confused. I feel like the only thing I wanted was for us to do whatever it takes to be a better couple. I told him I felt like he was focusing too much on wanting to stay together and not on the reasons why we kept getting pushed apart. Having tried "breaks" and "space" I just felt like this is what needed to be done. I truly don't want it to be over. I just don't want to be in the same situation we found ourselves in when problems were just getting swept under the rug.

 

If he has issues he needs to work on as well and breaks/space haven't worked this might be what you both need. Sometimes the hardest decision is the best one.

[rakasan]

Sometimes the hardest decision is the best one.

 

Thank you. He told me that to minimize the pain for both of us, we cannot have expectations. And that was only fair. In the end, I know it will pay off. We will either walk away from this as a more mature, functional couple or more mature, wiser individuals.

[ibezchillin]

Hi rakasan,

I read your posts on here, and comparing to what my friends said about MY situation with MY ex, your situation looks all too close to mine, on the opposite end (I'd like to think).. It gives me chills wondering if this is going on in her head.

 

Coming from the guy's perspective, I'd like to tell you there is definitely a possibility.. Has to be, from what you're telling me.

 

I'd like to believe that this is exactly what's going through my ex's head right now. She broke no contact with me a short while back and, boy, was that an emotional one.. We're back on no contact and I hate the idea of it because I feel like it's not helping the repair of our relationship.

 

I think that so long as you both forgive each other for what has happened then you stand a fighting chance. I'd say, though, that you can't just forgive and forget. The factors that contributed to the deterioration of your relationship need to be talked out and resolved, you don't want to "build a house" on a "poor foundation". Something, most likely within his ability to reach you in your relationship, had to drive him over the edge to "kick you out". My situation was similar, I felt my hand was forced and while I didn't mean to, my ex felt I was kicking her out. She's holding it over my head, and with this no contact going on, I have no way of communicating to her what really happened and so she's out there holding onto the pain of a misunderstanding like a splinter. Your friends will only support what comes out of your mouth, in the name of defense, so I wouldn't listen to them especially if they don't know the play-by-play of your relationship.

 

As you grow, you'll learn that life is all about risks and you can't really get anywhere in life without a little risk, and that includes reconciliation. You both need insight and closure on everything that happened in the relationship. The same way that children can't pass their exams if they can't get the corrections back on their homework to see what they did and where they went wrong, how much can you grow if you don't take the opportunity to see what they saw or how they saw it? You two owe it to yourselves, for however long you two have been together. I like to think that people give up mostly because of looking back on how far they have to go versus how far they've come. So with that, I pray that you don't give up.

 

At some point, send him a text message or something, simply schedule a date to talk. Let him know not to go into conversation mode, you can save the conversation for that date. The idea is not to "catch up", just reach out to him and let him know there's a point where you two can finally begin the talking-- so that you two can either heal as a couple, as friends, or as individuals. At least having this information may help prepare him for the things he's wanted to say to you in all this time, or vice versa. You can put it off further into the future, but having an actual date may help put your minds at ease while you two focus on what you want to say. Be open-minded on continuing the 'discussion' at a later time, like another phone date. This way things won't be as intense as the first conversation. With each day that waits he could be getting crushed by the hope he's holding onto and give up because he feels he has no choice.

 

You can read my situation ("She Left Me"), I've posted on here as well. I'd like to live vicariously through his situation and hope he wins back the princess. Every story deserves a happy ending.

Edited September 30, 2013 by ibezchillin

[rakasan]

She broke no contact with me a short while back and, boy, was that an emotional one.. We're back on no contact and I hate the idea of it because I feel like it's not helping the repair of our relationship.

 

What a coincidence! I broke NC with him today and called him crying trying to understand why he did what he did (there is some post-breakup drama I won't get into, but long story short I am still hurting and today I felt like I NEEDED to talk to him to understand and from there hopefully accept and forgive). Oddly enough, I was thinking about committing more to NC after that talk too... Creepily similar.

 

I think that so long as you both forgive each other for what has happened then you stand a fighting chance. I'd say, though, that you can't just forgive and forget. The factors that contributed to the deterioration of your relationship need to be talked out and resolved, you don't want to "build a house" on a "poor foundation". Something, most likely within his ability to reach you in your relationship, had to drive him over the edge to "kick you out".

 

I am still in the process of fluctuating between feeling SO hopeful about us and how we can grow and be so much better in the future (if that's what we end up wanting) and just feeling stuck and horrid and wondering if it really even is salvageable. Sigh We're in our last year of college together and who knows what the future may hold for us. I know we can't expect the other to say we're waiting for each other as much as it would make us feel so much better. I can't guarantee that when graduation comes creeping up that he or I will feel ready to try again and after that... who knows if we'll even be in a 200 mile radius of each other. Agh. But then I remember how much we love each other/how good things were before the problems started and thus the cycle goes on.

 

 

With each day that waits he could be getting crushed by the hope he's holding onto and give up because he feels he has no choice.

 

At one point he told me that holding onto hope for us would be too painful for him to bear, as it is for me too. Calling him today, crying over how confused and how much I was hurting... I can't help but wonder if he wants to/has given up. He says he doesn't expect me to want to contact him, but that I am still free to talk to him whenever. In some moments, I am just so tempted to call him and say FORGET EVERYTHING LET'S JUST BE TOGETHER. Other times, I feel so hopeless and feel like our relationship has been so damaged that I want to call and say, I just don't know if I can risk us getting back together and it not working out and really having to break up and completely lose each other. Seeing how other people look back on their exes as some distant memory, I can't imagine me feeling that way about him. It scares me.

[ibezchillin]

What a coincidence! I broke NC with him today and called him crying trying to understand why he did what he did (there is some post-breakup drama I won't get into, but long story short I am still hurting and today I felt like I NEEDED to talk to him to understand and from there hopefully accept and forgive). Oddly enough, I was thinking about committing more to NC after that talk too... Creepily similar.

 

If you intend on breaking NC, I'd suggest something less intense than over the phone or face to face especially if you're not entirely ready for it.. Hence the crying, be careful.. If not done right, breaking NC can be more hurtful than helpful..

 

At one point he told me that holding onto hope for us would be too painful for him to bear, as it is for me too. Calling him today, crying over how confused and how much I was hurting... I can't help but wonder if he wants to/has given up. He says he doesn't expect me to want to contact him, but that I am still free to talk to him whenever. In some moments, I am just so tempted to call him and say FORGET EVERYTHING LET'S JUST BE TOGETHER. Other times, I feel so hopeless and feel like our relationship has been so damaged that I want to call and say, I just don't know if I can risk us getting back together and it not working out and really having to break up and completely lose each other. Seeing how other people look back on their exes as some distant memory, I can't imagine me feeling that way about him. It scares me.

 

Would you consider yourself all or nothing with him? Cus if not, then you dont have to break up and completely lose each other. Perhaps that final (potential) "breakup" would be a mutual understanding between the two of you, something that can hold you two together as friends.

 

The relationship can very well be so damaged, but that's why they call it "repair". It's not going to be easy, nor fast. But the two of you have to want it, and the two of you have to be open to each other's feelings and understand that in the midst of your conversation one of you may not effectively say what you wanted to say the way you wanted to say it.. But if anything, start by establishing the conditions by which to re-enter the relationship, like meet once every two weeks, or one call a week and text instead.. This way you two can slowly creep back into the familiarity of each others company.. In your reconciliations, find out exactly what put him over the edge that made him say the things he said out of anger (I've been waiting for my ex to ask me why since Feb [before BU] and we're currently 2wks NC). Ask questions! Not just about him, like "Why did(n't) you.. Why would(n't) you have", but like "What did(n't) I, What about me was it that..".. You two could also prepare a list of questions, maybe limit yourselves to asking 2 questions per conversation/meet-up, so that this way it's not all to intense.. I don't want my ex looking back on me as a distant memory.. Seeing as how our relationship deteriorated by emotional unavailability and situational pressures, topped with me screaming and kicking her out of the apt (none of which I intended for), I'd do anything for the chance to make it right and restore her trust in me that I'm not this uncontrollable monster. But understanding the situation for what it is I know I can't just jump right into it, we have to take baby steps to bring all of that back. You should try and focus on factors and methods to restore trust in each other..

 

But it sounds to me like at this point you two have this shared, yet unspoken understanding that this was all a big mistake blown out of proportion and that there's a chance for recovery if you two in fact choose to commit to recovering together AND helping one another heal, and for that he'll do anything to make it right -- and that includes taking it slow. The not knowing what's on your mind is killing him on the inside and right now, he needs all of you or nothing at all.. But after (and by result of) the mutual agreement to try again, you may share the mutual agreement to split ways having known that you two gave an honest effort to see where and how each other would land in your lives

[rakasan]

But it sounds to me like at this point you two have this shared, yet unspoken understanding that this was all a big mistake blown out of proportion and that there's a chance for recovery if you two in fact choose to commit to recovering together AND helping one another heal, and for that he'll do anything to make it right -- and that includes taking it slow. The not knowing what's on your mind is killing him on the inside and right now, he needs all of you or nothing at all.. But after (and by result of) the mutual agreement to try again, you may share the mutual agreement to split ways having known that you two gave an honest effort to see where and how each other would land in your lives

 

I am not quite sure what "giving him my all" would entail. I have done my best (after hours of rehashing and making sure he understands) to make it clear that we (mostly I) need to grow and mature before thinking about being together again and that I do have an open mind and open heart for reconciliation (just not anytime soon). When we last left off, we acknowledged that we aren't sure where we will end up in each others lives but I feel that after some time apart, if we still love and care about each other and are in a good place in our lives that we have a true chance at trying one last time.

 

I've talked to people close to me about this, and they ask me "why don't you just see if he would be willing to wait for you to get your sh-t together and try again?" and my response is that I don't think it would be fair. We are young and he is a great guy. It wouldn't be right. And I want him to get out there and be single and see if this is really what he wants. If I am really what he wants. That way, if reconciliation is in our future, I know it is because he truly does love me.

 

I am living by the quote: "what is truly yours will eventually be yours. and what is not will never be no matter how hard you try"

[rakasan]

Hey LS,

 

Just wanted to give a quick update and get some things off my chest... The ex and I ran into each other and chatted. Before I left, he pulled me into a hug and told me he still loves me and misses me and kissed me. I reciprocated but sat him down to have a serious talk about what had just happened. I told him to just talk about everything going on in his mind and he said it was simply that he misses me, he still loves me and he wanted to kiss me and that he knows we aren't getting back together anytime soon but feels that we still have a chance. I talked about how we both need to work on things that can only be worked on over time and that if we get back together, our relationship has to be so different from before (communication-wise, maturity wise, etc)

 

I can't help but feel like he is still in the sad, post-break-up missing me phase, as am I. I don't want us to cling so desperately to being together just because of the sad feelings. I want us to take some time to REALLY become the best people we can be and see if this relationship is really what we want. I want to know that if we get back together it is truly because we want it, no doubts no regrets. We are still so young, in college, each others first serious relationship, and our futures hold so many uncertainties. How else will I know that I am the only girl he wants unless he moves on and sees what else is out there first? He claims he is past the sad phase (though I doubt it, it has only been 3 weeks) and truly just misses the fun we used to have together, but acknowledges that at the end of our relationship he was unhappy with certain things.

 

I had a complete moment of weakness and we ended up having sex later that night. Quite frankly, I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know if it was a huge mistake. I'm not trying to string him along, but am I if part of me really does believe if we make the necessary growth that we do have another shot? Am I sabotaging him figuring out what he really wants by keeping minimal contact? Is sex with your ex so bad if you broke up on good terms/not because you didn't want to be together?

 

Just thinking out loud...

 

Raka