What a mess....

[lovelymess]

I'm just going to start this one from the beginning and I would love all the input I can get. Please leave negativity out of this. 2 years ago I started dating this guy; we will call him "Jim". He was awesome at first. He made me laugh and smile. That was ultimately what was needed after dropping all contact with my parents for personal reasons. Jim and I had fun and enjoyed each other. We decided to get an apartment together and just go along being happy. Months passed and Jim started to become really aggressive, rude, and controlling. He was starting to think this relationship was all about him.

 

It didn't help that money was starting to get extremely tight. He had just lost his job and I was a waitress making not even $1000 a month. He had this great idea that I should go work for his friend who owns a Body Rub parlor( which we all know is giving hand jobs and naked massages). It sounded awful. I got mad and shut the idea out of my head. I told him he had to find another job and that I cannot put my body into that situation. Weeks passed and still, he didn't have a job. The bills were piling up and up. Normally, I would have just left the guy at this point, but unfortunately my name was under all the bills also. So them not being paid affected me just as much as it affected him. There was no where to turn to. I couldn't ask my parents for money and no matter how many places I applied to, no one called me back for a second interview.

 

It was also clear that Jim wasn't looking for a job anytime soon. He was too caught up in partying and drugs at this point. So I turned to the idea of giving body rubs(still to this day I don't know why). I started working there and it was awful. The more awful part, that I wasn't made aware of until the very last minute is that Jim owed the Body Parlor guy(pimp) money from a previous deal. So great I was Thrown into this by Jim so he could pay off debt. What a scumbag. I had finally had it. I could not work here anymore. I told Jim to go screw himself and moved back in with my parents, who I was now on good terms with. The problem was, was I still had bills to pay.

 

Jim and my lease wasn't up yet, and I had a car payment along with insurance to pay for. I continued working there until the lease was up and when I could sell the car. I told the "pimp" that I quit but he said no. It got scary. He said since I was his "best girl" that I couldn't leave without paying a price to cover his losses. I don't know anything about this industry so I didn't want to go to the police. I didn't know if I would get into trouble doing this. So I agreed that I would pay his "leaving costs". It was all going smoothly in my mind until my dad set me up on a date with a family friend that I have known since I was five; we will call him John.( Keep in mind that John and i have known each other for awhile, my dad works for his dads company, and our families have been close friends over the years.)John and I hadn't seen each other in probably 10 years, but I agreed to go on this date. I didn't think anything would happen.

 

I thought we would go on this date and that would be the end of it. That was not the case! We hit it off great. We got dinner at 6pm and hung out till 3am. Then we started seeing each other every weekend. I was screwed. I could not tell him what was going on because it is not an easy situation to understand. I knew I just had to get out of the Body Parlor ASAP. He started questioning where I worked and I would just say as a receptionist at a massage parlor and move on. I thought all was well until we went on a weekend vacation up to the mountains. It was so far a fabulous trip. He told me he loved me and I said I loved him to. It was adorable. What was to come next would ruin everything. He sat me down and said so what do you really do? Where do you really work? ****. Well here it goes. I told him everything!

 

I mean everything! And he reacted horribly. He was screaming and cussing at me. He said he couldn't believe I had been cheating on him this whole time and that I was a prostitute. I didn't know what to say. He didn't seem to understand the part of where it wasn't my choice and that I was trying to get out of it without letting anybody know because it was embarrassing! The next day came around and we left the mountains. He reassured me everything would be ok and that we would figure this out. Soon to come of this, my parents founds out. They had met my ex, Jim, and knew completely it wasn't a choice I had made willingly. So John and my dad took me to work with them out of town that week. I sat in a hotel room all week with my thoughts. John had called the "pimp" and my ex, Jim. And that did not go lightly.

 

Lives were being threatened, violence intended, and yelling back in forth. John at one point yelled at me for being a whore and a scumbag then yelled at my dad for putting him in this situation. Then John told his parents about everything(whom I have known for awhile). He would then get drunk and get more mad. That weekend came along and I went home to my parents. John and I didn't talk. I gave him his space and tried to think on other things. Then Sunday night he called me and asked if we could talk and if he could take me to dinner. We did and we agreed that we were dating and that we would get through this together. That following week proved differently. He hardly contacted me and I heard from one of his friends that he thought we were not dating. So I called John in a mess because I didn't understand why he was saying one thing to me but something different to other people. He took this as a "freak out" and said that he didn't want to hang out this weekend because he needed space.

 

He said, "we just need time to figure stuff out, I still care about you and think the world of you, I hope we can work out more than anything, I know who you really are and who you will become, I love everything about you, we just need time". He said these things this on Sunday, the 8th. I then sent him a picture of my outfit on Thursday the 12th and said I was thinking about him. He said he was thinking about me to and that he would call when he gets off work. He never called so that following Sunday, the 15th, I sent him a text wishing him the best and that I was sorry. He hasn't contacted me since then. When we were able to talk about things he would just say I can't believe you cheated on me, or you lied to me, or why didn't you just tell me? He said he knew something was up since day one and he can't believe he put himself in this situation.

 

But he would also say things like I think the world of you, I still love you and I want everything to work out. So what's up? What's going through his mind? Is he trying to leave this relationship the easy way or does he really want it to work? Do you think it's something he can move past? Was it considered cheating under the circumstances? How much time is acceptable to give him before just calling it quits? Is it even worth it on both ends? Why would he just ignore me like that? Please read and share your thoughts openly.

 

Refrain from negativity. I know I made a poor choice and I should have told John from the beginning; but I didn't. I really fell for him and I want to make amends with him.

Edited September 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mariposa10]

First of all, use paragraphs, it was so painful to read your post...

 

You should've told the new guy as soon as things started getting serious... You should give him space, so he can make up his mind... Would you want him to come back just to break up with you when he starts having doubts again? Give it time!! I hope other people with more experience can help you.

 

Good luck!

[lylat333]

The most important thing is you realized your mistakes and you will learn from them. That is more important than what becomes of you and John.

 

So what's up? What's going through his mind? Is he trying to leave this relationship the easy way or does he really want it to work? Do you think it's something he can move past? Was it considered cheating under the circumstances? How much time is acceptable to give him before just calling it quits? Is it even worth it on both ends? Why would he just ignore me like that? Please read and share your thoughts openly. Refrain from negativity. I know I made a poor choice and I should have told John from the beginning; but I didn't. I really fell for him and I want to make amends with him.

 

What's going through his mind? He is probably very hurt and angry. He probably did want to and may sometimes still try to picture a way things could work out but he probably hits a brick wall every time he remembers you lied to him and how betrayed he feels. Was it considered cheating? imo yes. Though they were very shallow relations, the lies and what was really taking place qualifies as cheating.

 

The biggest red flag I see that does not bode well for reconciliation is the name-calling. Him yelling at you, saying what he said, and how he felt about you is unfortunately not something that will be soon forgotten. My personal opinion is I don't know it's worth it on both ends... despite the positive experiences, you 2 never had an honest, real relationship.

 

I also don't think you should have sent him a picture of you in your outfit. He was probably flattered but I doubt it's what he wanted to see from you and probably explains why didn't call.

 

I do believe John cares for you on some level and wants to see you build a better life for yourself. Even though it's probably the only thing you want to do right now, don't stay in contact with him. If he ever does contact you again or ask what's up I would tell him you messed up and are focusing on being a better person. If there is any hope for reconciliation whatsoever he needs to see that you slowed down, are pointing your life in a new direction, and truly changing. He's also going to need total space away from you for the negative feelings to die down, but understand he may not desire to be in contact with you after he cools down.

 

I am really sorry to hear. Take it day by day, be good to yourself. I haven't heard from my ex in 62 days, hard to believe as I can't believe communication shut down so quickly. My advice is don't think of it as waiting... and think bigger picture. I used to obsess over, "maybe tonight's the night" or "maybe this week will be the week" Maybe I had to hit some magic number... now I am doing better letting go of those thoughts and thinking, "I'm not going to stress over what does or doesn't happen this week. I'm going to give myself the next x months to improve and then take it from there and see how I feel." Don't beat yourself up too much... you won't make the same mistake again and while I don't think you should shift the blame to others you were surrounded by very bad influences which you will hopefully stay removed from.

 

I too hope someone with more experience offers their advice too and hope for the best for your situation.

Edited September 26, 2013 by lylat333

[readynow]

Firstly, don't make the mistake of thinking all will be well with John. He cares about you but he cant move on from it - the whole family knows too, it will always come up no matter how many times he says he loves you.

Work on fixing your life, getting out of the horrendous job and distancing yourself from Jim. You'll soon meet a man you can tell about your life before things get too serious.

All the best.