I'm new here, and wondering if you were in his shoes, what would u do?

[mehim]

this is my first time here, and I'm really struggling. me and my ex have been broken up for almost 5months now, NC, but still have seen each other everyonce and a while, by running into each other. i'm feeling really weak right now, i have my ups and downs, but right now its been the hardest for me.

 

here is my story, i will make it really short, we were together for about 15months, broke up in Feb. i have broken up with him before once and then got back together but it was for two months. here is what led to the break up: i put him down, and his ego, in front of his friends, cousin, bestfriend. the reason was revenge, he lied to me, he said he wanted to go home after we hung out together, then 5 minutes later i see him with his friends, and i was so crushed, i felt like he used me that night, although we don't have sex, we are both virgins, but anyway, i was so mad, and i knew i was gonna do something that I'm going to regret. so i did, i called few of my friends (guys) to hang out, so i walk in with few guys infront of my ex into the same place he was at. we acted like we didn't know each other, because i had called him after i saw him there and yelled at him, but he didn't know i knew he was there.

 

so two days later he broke up with me, he is my first love, I'm have a very hard time letting go, i know there is more to the break up than just this, but i know i hurt him very badly, also he has called me twice, and i called him a day later, and he tells me that it was by mistake, someone has dialed my number, which is bs because he doesn't have my number in his phone book, i know it for a fact.

 

now our mutual friend is getting married, and I'm going to see him at the wedding, i want to use that chance to talk to him or at least make an attempt to try be friends at first, and maybe something else will happen later.

 

i hope i didn't make it confusing, i just wanted whoever reads this, to put themselves in his shoes, what would you have done, will u forgive after time passes by, would u give me another chance?

[StartingAgain]

"here is what led to the break up: i put him down, and his ego, in front of his friends, cousin, bestfriend. the reason was revenge"

 

What would I have done? Certainly not humiliate you in front of friends, as you did him. But I would have broken up with you before the end of the evening. I would definitely forgive, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I would have anything further to do with you.

 

You betrayed him, not for anything he did wrong, but because of your own insecurity. Unless you could prove to me that you'd learned how to control your insecurities and proved by your behavior that you would never deliberately try to hurt me again, I'd not give you a second chance.

It's been five months with no contact. I think you better consider this affair over and get on with your life. Maybe you've learned an important lesson here. There's more to love than possession. You must always treat your SO with respect and realize you don't always get things your way.

[HoldOn]

How old are you mehim? This story sounds pretty middle-schoolish. Meaning that I am not sure that either of you are mature enough for a relationship.

 

Also, I agree that 5 months is a long time. I think you should just let it go. If he wanted to be with you, he would have contacted you by now. Just have fun at the wedding with your friends. If you see him just say hello and keep moving. Maybe you'll find a new guy...

[mehim]

well i dont know what u mean by my inscurity, what would it be, i was sick of him lying about this small stuff, i know its an issue between me and him, but i wanted him to learn his lesson for lying so much. and its really hard to let go and im really trying to let it go, but its so hard, five months seems like nothing to me. and he did call me, but maybe becuase i didnt answer him right away he felt rejected already, and when i called him back the next day, he had to make something up about calling me. i would like to let go, but i will always wonder if only asked for another chance, i wanaa see what would happen, if it doenst work, at least i would know that i tried, whats killing me is the fact of knowing that i will always wonder if i could of had another chance with him. if it doesnt happen then for sure ill be to move on faster, maybe step few steps back in my healing process but i think it would be worth it.

 

oh by the way, im 19 and he is 21.

[HoldOn]

This is the part I thought was immature...

but anyway, i was so mad, and i knew i was gonna do something that I'm going to regret. so i did, i called few of my friends (guys) to hang out, so i walk in with few guys infront of my ex into the same place he was at. we acted like we didn't know each other, because i had called him after i saw him there and yelled at him, but he didn't know i knew he was there.

 

Don't mean to insult you or anything, and I hope you don't take it that way. It's pretty immature for him to lie to you and say he was going to bed, then for you to get some guyfriend to make him jealous, then for you guys to ignore each other at the bar.

 

Doesn't sound much like a healthy relationship.

 

But I'll say again, if he were thinking about getting back with you, he would have called you before 5 months. I think that's the only sign you need. Do you want to spend years wondering if your guys likes you enough. If a guy likes you, he'll call you. PERIOD. So I think you should forget him and start again with a new guy. I know it's hard because he's your first, but believe me, the future will be better.

[StartingAgain]

I see nothing in your original post about any lying on his part. What I see is him saying that he was ready to go home and then getting caught up with friends. These things happen. It didn't mean that he didn't mean that he really didn't want to go, but rather that he got caught up. You interpreted this as him lying to you. Sorry, I don't see anything more than him being a 21 year old boy, full of life and having a good time. Face it, you blew it. Not him, you. You are very young and mistakes are what we make when we are young. We've all been there, dear, so don't beat yourself up. But don't lie to yourself or make excuses. Learn and go on. There'll be others. At your age, each new encounter is a learning experience.

[mehim]

right after we broke up, two days later he called me, and then hung up, and then 3months later he calle me again, but i really think it was him playing a game, which was for me to call him instead of admitting that he wants to call me or talk to me. i know its so immature, i wish that he would have grown up from this a little bit, cuz i know i did. but i just want to try, i mean if he doesnt want to, then thats fine with me, at least i wont be wondering. its eating me up inside to realize that it was really more my fault than antying else.

[mehim]

i have dated couple of guys, but it seems to die off right away, i get so interested in them, and so excited for finally meeting someone new, and then i realize that in my head i know that im ready to move on, but my heart is not, its taking a while for it move forward. and i dont want to spend anymore time with these guys. i know there is a lot more for me, i know we probably wont be together for the rest of our lives, but i would like to spend every day that i can with him. but on the other hand, i want him to be happy, if he wont be happy with me, or it wont work out, i wish him happinness.

[clia]

I hope you have considered that he may bring a date with him to the upcoming wedding.

 

I agree with the others -- it's been five months. If he wanted to get back together, you would've heard from him by now. An "accidental" (or whatever) dialing of your phone number means nothing.

[mehim]

well i do know he wont bring a date with him, becasue we come from restrict culture, and dating is not an accepted thing. his brother will be there, so he will be alone, and i know that he is not seeing anyone, from a mutual friend. but oh well, will see how its gonna go. i really just want to start talking to him again as freind more than anything, and i know that we would like that, i just have to step up and ask.

[HoldOn]

right after we broke up, two days later he called me, and then hung up, and then 3months later he calle me again,

 

Woo hoo! If he kept up at this rate, you'd get four calls per year.

 

I see nothing in your original post about any lying on his part.

 

Yes, you are right. Sorry I was wrong in my post. I agree that she messed up by getting so mad for something that is really no big deal at all.

 

mehim, I am sorry to say, but you sound a little obsessive. It's been 5 months. He "accidently" called you once. But you REALLY want to get back together. I know it's hard to let go of your first love. But I think you should hold on to your dignity and forget your ex.

 

i really just want to start talking to him again as freind more than anything, and i know that we would like that,

 

What makes you think this? What has he done to demonstrate that he would like to be your friend or more?

 

well i do know he wont bring a date with him, becasue we come from restrict culture, and dating is not an accepted thing.

 

I thought you said that you had been on a couple dates, why couldn't he bring a date?

[mehim]

i have dated , but doesnt mean that the family must know about it, his family didnt know he was dating, nor mine, its just were we come from. i know he is coming with his brother, and his brothr's wife. by the way, the only reason that i haven't contacted him, or done anything to ask him back, or just be freinds with him, is my dignity, and my pride. im not obsessive, its just that i have my down times, and this is one of them, but sometimes i can careless about talking to him or getting back with him.

 

i think everyone goes through the rollercoaster feelings through a break up. i really hate that fact that i feel like this, i realy want to move on, but then its harder than it sounds.

 

i just dont understand y r u guys so against trying to just talk to him, i have talked to him before and had a conversation, we were sitting cross from each other at the same table, and he was cool, so was i. i really dont want to get into details to y we could be freinds. it doesnt realy matter, whatever is going to happen will happen. i dont see it as u guys see it, which is y im here, and i wanted to thank you for ur replies.

[HoldOn]

i just dont understand y r u guys so against trying to just talk to him, i have talked to him before and had a conversation, we were sitting cross from each other at the same table, and he was cool, so was i.

 

Oh, okay. I'll try to explain why I am against it. I can't speak for others:

 

1.) You guys didn't have a good relationship to begin with.

 

2.) I won't mix words here. I believe that for a relationship to work the man has to pursue. But in this situation, I don't think he is interested at all. He has shown no interest, so I feel you will be putting yourself out there and he'll either reject you or you'll end up struggling to make the relationship work because he wasn't that interested in the first place.

 

3.) Why do you have to be friends with your ex at all. It will just cause problems when one of you moves on to a real relationship with a new person.

 

4.) You've lived without him this long. Why do you need him in particular to be your friend.

 

You came here for advice! Now we are telling you what we think. Thought that's what you wanted...

[StartingAgain]

I think that there may come a time when the two of you might be able to be friends but not right now. It is possible to do, but first you have to go of on your own and get over the relationship and move on. That's what my ex-wife and I have done. We determined to remain friends when we split, even though we were very angry and hurt. We understood that we wouldn't feel this way one day. (Let's not go into the fact that if my ex understood this, she should be able to make the logical leap to understanding that because of this there was no reason to divorce. But there was an OM involved ......) What we found was that by tryuing to maintain regular communication, we were actually defeating our own purpose. All we could do when we talked was throw bitterness at one another. So we backed off. We've had a few phone calls over the last two months. They always are initiated to resolve some unfinished business. But the last two calls turned into friends catching up. The last call lasted 1.5 hours and was actually fun. Do I take this to mean that she wants to get back with me? Absolutely not. We have strict boundries and certain subjects (and people) are off limits. It's very hard to avoid the temptation to step over those boundries.

 

But here's the rub on this, mehim. My ex and I are in our 40s and we have a lot of experience with this love and marriage game. We have the maturity and discipline to make a good go of this. I note that you have skirted the question of your age. I suspect that you are very young. Based on the things you have written, I doubt that you have the marurity or experience to transform a romantic relationship into a platonic one. It's a hard row to hoe and it requires finesse and a high emotional intelligence. You just aren't at that place in your life yet. This is why re recommend that you move on and don't worry about the friendship right now. Besides, it takes two people dedicated to making it work. I don't see that your ex is on board with this.