She left me..

[ibezchillin]

The love of my life has left me.

 

We've been together for 4 years up until now. She broke up and left the state.

 

Details:

We're from NY. We left everything/everyone we know and moved to Delaware from NY for career opportunities and personal growth. She landed a job in Maryland and I moved with her to support her career, and grabbed me a job of equal distance in the opposite direction (Pennsylvania). We meet in DE.

 

The transition (life-style) has been a bit rough, we've been into 2 vehicle accidents in 1 year so far since we've been down here. Since the accidents our sexual activity withered to dust (partially due to injury)..

 

Right before Valentines we had a huge fight at our no-communication since the accidents. I was hostile and self-destructive, but I never put my hands on her and tried not to be any verbally abusive to her during our argument. But we seemed to have had an ok time on Valentine's so I thought it was behind us but she's been holding on to that fight and our frustrations from the accident ever since.

 

From poor work conditions and pay from the job she moved for, she told me she wanted to move out back to NY by August.. Now we signed a lease until next April.. I felt as though she also wanted space between us, mainly out of the fact that she hasn't opened up to me since the car accidents.. And out of anger and frustration (like the man I am), I made the mistake of telling her that I wanted to break up with her, that I am breaking up with her. I said it because I don't know what to do anymore, I can't get her to open up and tell me the things that are wrong: with me, with her, with us.

 

She moved out at the beginning of August. I took on the payments of this apartment voluntarily.. As of the 19th, we initiated 3 wks no contact. She JUST broke the seal, and told me she missed talking to me. I, like a poor sap, started flooding her with the 3wks of catchup, activities that keep me busy (from thinking about her). But now that she's with all her friends, I'm sure they'll support any choices she proposes to them that she makes (like a REBOUND).. I feel as though she could be initiating a rebound now, but at the same time she's told some of my friends how bad she feels about everything, and she's told me she wants to see me when I come up to NY in two weeks..

 

I myself haven't entertained the idea of rebounding because I'm wondering if we still have a chance. I'm not into the idea of 'spoiling' myself out of desperation; I feel she would be repulsed if I slept around just to get over her. I think I would be too, if I found out she's doing that. I don't think I can handle the idea of someone else in my place, making her happy as I once did-- after she stopped letting me make her happy.

 

Now, I'm trying not to flood her with all this communication if we're meeting up in 2 weeks, I want to make sure that we have stuff to talk about, besides "us" and where "we" went wrong. But I can't get the idea out of my head that she's playing the field again. We do have a shared circle of friends so the ones that are cool with me do tell me she's scoring a couple of phone numbers, meeting new people, etc.. She hasn't been there in 4 years and she's mentioned that she hasn't been single in so long so she forgot "what it's like", and that at some point she might try men completely different than me, from looks to size to persona.

 

She says she needs to figure out what she wants out of life and the whole situation in DE was toxic to her, and that she'll eventually tell me how she feels.. "It's a mangled mess right now and I'm enjoying letting it lie so I can get back to a place I'm happy being in before I dig up **** that's gonna upset me again", says she..

 

What do I do? I told her this morning that re-initiating this contact is messing with my head.. and that I need more time and space otherwise my self-progress could stop out of desperation (not word for word), and cancelled our meet-up.. I don't want to end up waiting like a puppy at the door for her to contact me.. I'm love sick

 

I figured I'd let myself to assume the worse with my suspicions of her rebounding, and do it myself. I don't want to do it, really, but then again.. kids don't wanna eat their veggies..

 

I just don't like how freedom of choice, and the reactions it brings, can so easily affect the outcome of me having her back, her choices and my own..

 

What do I do about a girl trying to maintain limited contact while she's entertaining new ideas with new fellas?? We've invested 4 years, I don't want it thrown away because I gave her the cold shoulder during our separation. Out of sight, out of mind, ya know? I don't want her thinkin, "ya know what... wtf was I thinking?" Help!

[ibezchillin]

Ugh!I want her to quit this pouting over the nonsense we BOTH created for this relationship, look past it just as I am doing, and try again-- at a slower pace. I know we can't undo the 300 miles we've created for ourselves right now, I'd like to start where we are, use what we have and do what we can. Her sister is in almost the same position, having moved 300 miles from her own boyfriend-- been together the same amount of time, and fought just as much as we did, BUT they're still together, still trying to make it work. So I can't understand how we can't work it out, why she won't try.

 

She's in rebound phase and I have to respect that. But during this time, I don't know what her intentions are: to let off some "physical" steam before she gets back to me, or to forget me entirely and start anew.. I'm currently left with "...", waiting for a response that she won't readily give, or give at all.

 

Right now I'm accepting the situation for what it is, and am taking the steps to bring myself to rebound phase as well, moving out of the attachment.

 

I feel like I have to draw the line between determination and desperation, and I'm not trying to look pathetic in her eyes. But it's hard to not do that and still be able to let her know how I feel. I'm trying to accept that what's to be truly meant to be mine will be, and what isn't -- no matter how hard I try, never will. Only to some degree can I affect change, and a fraction of that degree is in the direction I hoped, the rest is in the direction of circumstance, and all of it is coincidence. If I continue to look at this with hope and wishful thinking, I could be reeling for huge disappointment. However, if I look at it with the worst assumption, the result won't be as disappointing if I'm right, and will be a great surprise if I'm wrong..

 

It'll be virtually improbable for me to be able to cross paths with her now that we're separated by 300 miles, and technically broken up. If we do in fact happen to cross paths, that will have to be intentionally influenced--either by me or her. But she's makin' off like a bandit with me "out of sight, out of mind".. I feel like no contact is actually helping her in that regard.. And I fear that she could simply be moving on instead of considering what she has going on now as a rebound. But she could also be using this rebound as a way to rehearse herself back into the real dating game and meet someone else completely different than me or Mr. Rebound. Either way, I'm not in the picture. That, I can't handle.

 

So I've begun writing a farewell letter and trying to detox myself from the relationship, preparing myself for the possibility that she may never come back. 4 pages turned to 8.. I'm still rewriting and rewriting.. I wanted to leave it at her door when I'm in NY this weekend, but I think driving to her place may be create issues for me regardless of whether or not she'll be there (she's on her way to Michigan now)..

 

Like, if she is there then she lied to me to get out of meeting with me. If she isn't, I'll feel weird going by her place when she's not there, like some stalker dude.. If someone else is there I don't want them reading my letter, or just throwing it out because they think "that's best for her" or something.. I'm exploring the option of emailing it, or mailing it..

 

If I can't have her in my life the way I wanted her, then I can't have her in my life at all. This is too toxic for me.

Edited September 30, 2013 by ibezchillin

[HorseLuck]

 

Now, I'm trying not to flood her with all this communication if we're meeting up in 2 weeks, I want to make sure that we have stuff to talk about, besides "us" and where "we" went wrong. But I can't get the idea out of my head that she's playing the field again. We do have a shared circle of friends so the ones that are cool with me do tell me she's scoring a couple of phone numbers, meeting new people, etc.. She hasn't been there in 4 years and she's mentioned that she hasn't been single in so long so she forgot "what it's like", and that at some point she might try men completely different than me, from looks to size to persona.

 

She says she needs to figure out what she wants out of life and the whole situation in DE was toxic to her, and that she'll eventually tell me how she feels.. "It's a mangled mess right now and I'm enjoying letting it lie so I can get back to a place I'm happy being in before I dig up **** that's gonna upset me again", says she..

 

 

I'm not sure I understand her reasoning. You said you started having communication issues stemming around the car accidents? and that she got upset about something you did but hadn't let you know? she was holding on to her feelings, sounds passive-aggressive. Not healthy nor a very good sign.

 

Have you had communication problems prior to this in your relationship? I was going to assume she distances herself from you and has potential emotional unavailability issues, or wanting to be in control..until you mentioned what she said about trying to figure life out and taking men's numbers.

 

It sounds like she's pulling you along as a back-up option. She wants to talk about the issues on her own terms when she feels good and ready. That sounds like she's playing a game with you and maybe even wants to let you stew in confusion for awhile. If there were problems, they need to be spoken about and addressed immediately like a mature adult would do. This happiness she is looking for will dwindle. When it happens, she will come to you and use you to make her feel better, or support her. None of which means she's showing interest in wanting to get back with you.

 

You need to go NO CONTACT. Staying in her life won't help your chances. No contact isn't meant as a blue print to try and win somebody back either. If you even want to consider that remotely possible, she needs time to miss you and consider that she's missing a good thing. Reminder: It may not happen. Let go of the hope now.

Edited September 30, 2013 by HorseLuck

[ibezchillin]

Hi HorseLuck,

and thank you for chiming in.. That's what I've been doing: accepting the situation for what it is, assume the worse, and let go. That's what the farewell letter was for. It sucks because I feel like she'll concede to any chance of trying to talk things out once she reads this letter, instead of trying for once. She's definitely been holding onto her feelings.. It's been no-contact so far since that last conversation two weeks ago. Now in that conversation, She said she was pissed that I came out with how I felt after she left 300 miles (good point)..

 

I told her I held all of this stuff back because she wouldn't open up and talk to me at the time, so I couldn't tell what she truly wanted from me. She didn't ask questions, so I couldn't just push out an answer. She already made up her mind to leave the apartment, and whether we broke up or attempted a long-distance relationship was never brought to question. I felt like I never had the opportunity to communicate how I felt; the forum was never opened with her being so emotionally absent.

 

So I said nothing.. But I couldn't hold that in anymore, and so I told her a month after she left. She's "furious" that I waited so long to say something. But ****, if someone you know is getting married and while you wish the best for their happiness and you don't necessarily want them marrying that particular person, it's not like you stand up and say something and interfere with their plans -- all the effort they put into planning the wedding, reception, honeymoon, future, etc.. People generally keep their mouth shut, and that's what I did, up to a point where my body couldn't take it anymore.. When she broke contact with me, I couldn't take it.

 

We have had communication issues throughout the relationship.. Emotionally unavailable is a great way to put it. Thank you. Now I myself am guilty of shutting down, when I'm under immense frustration, and I've told her that. I let her know the warning signs so that she can act on it accordingly. She knew, generally, to let me stew a bit and blow off my steam until my mind stops racing and I can formulate sentences (I stammer, until I get mad about my embarrassment).

 

Now she's emotionally unavailable almost all-year 'round. I've always been direct with her when I noticed it, and she falls into a dark place and shuts me out each time I make an attempt to confront her.. And while love is patient, my emotional breakdown stemmed in escalation of a last attempt to get her to open up to me.. I tried to blow off steam, settle down and unwind with alcohol, until she came out of the room. I broke when she finally opened, WORSE TIMING EVER!

 

long story short, she effectively took what I said as kicking her out of the apartment. And it was only for the night. I just wanted her out of the room, but the nastiness behind it all.. She backed me into a corner in the room when I was breaking down under the influence... That was in Feb, and since then I stopped bringing liquor into the house.. But she's holding onto that for dear life.. I told her I was a work in progress.. She told me she would try and look past it, but she never tried that and left 2 months later, basically.. Now I feel like she's trying to rationalize my temper, or something, as a deal-breaker for our relationship (I can't get her to talk, and now we're on no contact); But not once in the 4 years that we've been together have I blown up like this, and its all stemmed from the work stress (that I don't burden her with), the accidents that keep us in bad moods, and her inability to open up to me..

 

I don't know if she's actively looking for numbers herself or if its the defensive influence of friends trying to be supportive.. It's hard for her to find work as a fine artist, and she's got bills to pay like the rest of America's college grads. I was hoping that 'figuring out her life' was stopping at that and wasn't factoring me into the figuring out part..

Edited September 30, 2013 by ibezchillin

[rakasan]

Hey ibezchillin,

 

Thought I would drop by and see how similar our situations were and boy you were right!

 

A few things (being in a similar situation, but as the counterpart disclaimer: my thoughts/feelings may be completely opposite than hers)

 

She hasn't been there in 4 years and she's mentioned that she hasn't been single in so long so she forgot "what it's like", and that at some point she might try men completely different than me, from looks to size to persona.

 

I told my ex that during our breakup, I didn't want him to feel like the thought of a potential future us was holding him back. And not because I wanted to get back out there, just because I feel like being young and in a relationship when things go bad, sometimes you really wonder if maybe there is someone better out there for you. And because we are not together and we are unsure if we can/will get back together, might as well see what else is out there. Not to say sleeping around is encouraged. But if I want to go out and be the social butterfly I was before I was (willingly) spending all my time with him, of course I am going to. I look at it as, better to know now. If you guys got back together and she felt like she was missing out on other opportunities, it would only make her more emotionally unavailable. But if she comes back from going out, chatting up some fellas and realizes at the end of the day that that isn't what she wants and what she wants is you -- good to be sure, no?

 

She says she needs to figure out what she wants out of life and the whole situation in DE was toxic to her, and that she'll eventually tell me how she feels.. "It's a mangled mess right now and I'm enjoying letting it lie so I can get back to a place I'm happy being in before I dig up **** that's gonna upset me again", says she..

 

Realizing you are/were in a toxic situation does things to you, man. No one wants to feel like their relationship is toxic (TRUST ME). I personally am taking the space to really see what is/was the issues that are keeping us from being together and happy. Maybe in her own way she is doing the same. Either way, if she needs time to cope, process, and deal with it -- let her.

 

What do I do? I told her this morning that re-initiating this contact is messing with my head.. and that I need more time and space otherwise my self-progress could stop out of desperation (not word for word), and cancelled our meet-up.. I don't want to end up waiting like a puppy at the door for her to contact me.. I'm love sick

 

Agh. I really hope my ex isn't feeling this way... I don't know if I should go NC because me wanting to still talk to him might be making him feel this way. And I can't help but wonder if him "saying" I always have an open line is what he really means and he is okay with it (he says so, but oh man if he is feeling this... it would be so hard to hear).

[ibezchillin]

Thanks for your response Rakasan,

 

Agh. I really hope my ex isn't feeling this way... I don't know if I should go NC because me wanting to still talk to him might be making him feel this way. And I can't help but wonder if him "saying" I always have an open line is what he really means and he is okay with it (he says so, but oh man if he is feeling this... it would be so hard to hear).

 

Don't get me wrong. The re-initiating contact was messing with my head because we started talking without talking about our problems or any potential of moving on. Since my outburst in February, I tried to progress and be better than I was, be the man that attracted her in the first place. She didn't want to acknowledge it when she left, but that literally IS all I'm left with -- self-progression -- with or without her. Re-initiating contact without addressing our problems was what was messing with me. I feel like I'm waiting on the edge of my seat for a callback from a job interview, only for them to call and ask "so how's the weather?.. ttyl!" No closure! I think him saying you have an open line is his way of letting you know that when you're ready to start talking, just to "start" and begin the steps, not go all-in (that could be too intense for the both of you)

[ibezchillin]

And so.. I made a public stink starting after New Years about my friend hooking his boys up with my ex (didn't ruin any celebrations).. and now the 3 found themselves in a nasty mess.. I maintained NC since then.. She tried to dish out an email about how she was happy with her decision (though I didn't read it) immediately after but that was all in NC zone..

 

This public stink ended up ruining my friend's relationship with his gf as well.. But its all stemmed from their connected actions. Misery loves company, and I pointed out an undeniable trend between the 4 of them that essentially repulsed each one of another.. So 1 year later stepping into that city, everyone's telling me of the deterioration around them :-(

 

So we're Fast-fowarding Jan--> July, right? lol

 

Between that time I healed and got my life in order, better goals, all the positives.. She breaks silence by wishing my happy birthday.. I tried to keep it minimal, but she was prying and prying about how I was, how my family was, etc.. June. So I rattled off enough to give her enough of a rundown, but more so the idea of "leave me alone, you're bothering me".. A month later would be the anniversary of the day we broke up.. July. I was able to muster up enough funds to dig myself out the debt I went into to buy her half of the apt and remove her, and a little then some.. Of course she didn't let a day slip by without reminding me of the breakup. But I was able to buy a new car within that time. It was part of a 5 year plan I had set before the breakup, and I was set back only 1 year... Well, since the breakup anniversary she's been going all in with texting me, inviting me to snapchat, etc.. She's already given me an episode of crying through text, about how she screwed up and the latter.. She had a 2012 truck, and talked as much **** as she could about my '95 coupe.. Now I'm riding in a 2014 on my own, and she had to trade in for a much older vehicle, old enough she's too ashamed to disclose the year (its just a car, jeez!)

 

I'll admit it still a bit overwhelming, yet wierd that the shoes on the 'other foot' now, all by a matter of acceptance, honesty and closure..

 

She found out I was in her area at one point and was upset I didn't reach out to her (as if I'm supposed to know she "wants to see me".. ?)..

 

I feel like continuing as I've been doing.. It's not like I came to her town to see HER, it was anyone/everyone else that I was concerned with..

 

What I do know is out-of-sight = out-of-mind and ignorance is bliss..

Edited September 9, 2014 by ibezchillin