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Will staying best friends get them back?


Farsight

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Hi everyone,

 

I am quite new on this site. It helps me a lot. Sometimes to give hope other times to make it a little easier. I tried not to make it to long.

 

So I BU with my ex girlfriend about 2 weeks ago i am 28 she is 21 and we dated/lived together for 8 months. And it was my first relationship. It was very intense and very close. We both needed love very bad.

A month ago she already wanted to break up. But I confinced her to take a break. But soon this break got more like a BU. 2 weeks ago she said well maybe if I am feeling better in a month we will get back together. But last week she said this is not going to happen.

 

Her reasons where all over the place. But most of all it was that she got depressed and anxious and she was afraid that if she didt BU she could.t concentrate on her future. She has a lot of issieus. She has inflated self-esteem that seems ok on the outside but is fragile and takes alot of energy to maintain.and she feels guilty fast. And is afraid of doing something wrong. Also she has angry outburst.

This in turn made me more anxious. And our relationship got a little toxic. Real fights we never had. Because she couldn't take the stress of a normal fight.Even the arguments got way out of hand on her part getting afwul tantrums.

 

Am i perfect?No, this was my first relationship. So I did the standard dum things. Like trying to change her. NOt much I might ad. But some things I found important. Also because she was very stubborn these things got out of hand very fast. Also on my part because I didn't liked not to be heard or not taken seriously. And I think she had trouble with my future as well.

 

But 90 procent of the time it was great. We really connected and did everything together.

 

There where some additional things she didnt like. Like she couldn't get along with my parents at all. My parents suck by the way and because of me being ill for many years I still live with them but we were trying to get a place for are own.

And I guess she didn't like that I had sometimes a bit of depression. We would have a argument or she would have a tantrum. And I would get upset and take some anxeity pills and drink before going to bed.

This was my way of saying I wasn't happy I guess. Stupid I know. This in turn made her more anxious and feeling guilty.

 

So she dumped me (wel the break thing)she was upset and it wa s in the heat of the moment. I got very upset and started crying a begging and pleading. This didnt help so after 3 minutes I told her just take a break. We called some days later. She said we would get back together sooner or later.

She was getting upset these 2 weeks and sending me crazed out texts. That she missed me and was very unhappy. But I thought giving her space was best for now and replyed but didn't try to win her back.

Than after 2 weeks she ended it very casual over the phone. She said that she wanted to stay friends. evn best friends. I guess she soften the blow for herself thinking she would keep me somehow without the serious anxiety invoking relationship part.

 

I said I' ll think about it. Since the first day she needed a break I was searching online.Thats how I found out that giving her space is a good idear.

 

But here is the thing I WANT HER BACK! She has some problems but those will go away and aren't specifically with me. I have some flaws but also these I can correct.

 

The thing is I am switching between things to do. Sometimes I think NC is the way to go. But a lot of times I hear good outcomes from people who stay in touch.

 

Somehow my guess is that she just needs some time on her own. The love didn't just dissapear. She was so confused the first 2 weeks. Also she started at a new uni (evening classes). It obvious that she needs time on her own.

 

But what shall I do? She isn't avoiding me at all.If I call she calls back. Not like before though when we talked everyday. Until I said I wanted space (thinkig Nc was good) she stopped iniating contact. The last week I got so weak I thought it was a good thing to stay freinds. So texted her that I would like to stay friends. And she called me right back and said yes and we had a nice conversation for 30 minutes. This was 6 o clock in the morning by the way. Also 2 weeks ago when she ended it she still called me sweety and stuff. Since I tryed NC that disappeared.

 

I still have to return her stuff. And we have presents for eachother (things we already got before this all happened)

 

I am thinking of staying friends and let her iniate contact and then increase the contact very slow untill we get closer again. And then maybe ask her out to do something as friends.

 

So good LS people enlighten me with your wisdom.

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I doubt it - personally, I'd just go no contact, work on yourself, have a good time recovering, keeping your mind off of things for the time being.

 

If she truly acted foolishly, broke up for the wrong reasons [which does happen] and she's in a honeymoon phase so to speak in regards to having left a relationship, and she buried her feelings, tried to avoid them - and avoid confronting the situation appropriately on all fronts, there is a chance it will catch up to bite her eventually.

Edited by travelonic
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i dont think so to be honest my friend, they chose to give you up so make them feel the consequences of their decisions, you will not heal without no contact in my opinion.

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i am sad to say staying friends especially Best friend with an ex is a bad decision... because they already see u as a normal friend while you still have that hope clinging on to you for miracles to happen.. this clinging may cause you to sometimes be over concern on her life which may cause her to freak out considering you are now just a normal friend.. the only way to be friends is when both party had already give up, find someone else, and no longer have any hope of getting back together than only will they be able to be just Normal friends..

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Yeah maybe you guys are right.

Maybe I just put her stuff in front of her door and leave it at that.

I guess she is doing the same thing. Thinking about a life without me and living it. She wants me to be a part of that. It would be good thing to NC form my own sake and let her come to me. Would I reply is the question.

So stupid I am switching again. Also when I was typing the whole story part of me reading it back was giving up on a reconcilation. If you read al her problems.

I am afraid to be on my own again.

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Well I still live with my parents but we don't get along. And there is no emotional support from them.

I have 1 friend living in my town. But he is talking about leaving next year. Also we don't really connect. 1 good friend but he lives 2 hours away and is busy. We connect but I only see him once every 3 weeks. Then 1 accountance thats busy all the time. We do connect. But he is busy a lot.

I study at home so no day job or day study. And my sister lives away an hour. But I miss having someone to talk to on my level> i can only do that with that accountance and a bit with that good friend

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Hi everyone,

 

For an intro to my BU story

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/422943-will-staying-best-friends-get-them-back

 

So I thought today I would return her stuff to her house(well her parents she lives there). And I was a bit emotional. I thought now its enough. Lets just get this over with.

 

So she is not home and her dads answers the door. And I say I just want to return her stuff. And he wants me to come in. BUt I refuse and I walk to my car and start crying. So he again really wants me to come inside. My ex GF wasn't at home.

 

And I was emotional so I wasn't thinking clearly. So I go inside. And we talk like for an hour. He was very very nice to me. Trying to comfert me. And the first time in a month I am feeling I can realy talk with someone about this. Me and her dad got along great even where friends. Mind you I was still talking with full respect for the privacy of my ex gf. I am not an *******. And also she and I decided to stay friends

 

So I leave and he promises me not to tell my ex gf that we talked for that long.

 

Now I am not an idiot I know my ex gf would hate this. Not because she hates me but she wants control. And not like beeing played (or whatever she can think of) tru her familie.

 

So I don't know how she found out. I guess her sister told her. (call me naive but the father is a very cool guy)

 

She emails me completely furious. What the **** was I thinking. And treatens me if I ever to this again she wil make me pay. IN red ink none the less.

 

So I am thinking NICE finally some real emotional contact!:laugh:

So we email back and forth and 3 emails long she still pissed. And in the last email she still doesn't like it but she says its alright and she just ha a tantrum and she still want to be friends.

 

But now get this. She never ever in her whole outburst (she gets those on a regular basis btw) said she never wanted to see me again or that I should **** off or whatever.

 

And the last email was even considered. Now I am thinking she really isnt finished with me she really wants to stay friends.

 

Also this is a big f up on my part ofcourse. But I am only human. I wasn't thinking her dad would be so kind to me.

 

So what do you guys think?

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I agree with everybody but also "friends" means loyalty, not sure where this can go, but the wish to remain friends must mean something, a hold on you, good or bad, only time will tell, meanwhile, there's plenty of smiley girls out there to see

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It sounds to me that you both have a lot of growing up to do.

 

You should go NC and start working on the other areas of your life. Maybe she will too & you both will have a shot together LATER in life. You shouldn't bank on that now though.

 

Forge an emotional support network WAY THE HE11 AWAY from anyone who's part of hers.

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Yeah I know.

I wanted to go NC but for that the happen I had to return her stuff.

So it completely backfired and I got hope again.

 

But I agree with Darkmoon. That she wants to stay friends is sincere. What it means I don't know.

 

I also agree with everyone that I shouldn't wait around for her. It could take a long time and I have to focus on other aspects of my life to get stronger on my own.

 

I am already putting myself on the market talking with girls. But it seems that I am just comparasion them with my ex gf. So I am not over my ex gf obviously

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You know what.

 

I realized something today.

I've been thinking for 9 months about her. And all her tantrums and angry outburst trying to keep her happy.

 

And now even post break-up I am crawling to make her ok again.

Sending email that I am sorry and stuff. But she treatend me WTF?

Ok see she is not all there and i understand a lot where it comes from.

But when am I going to think about how I feel. What the hell.

she doens't care she hurts me how can she be so inconsidered.

 

What the **** is wrong with her. And why did I put up with this **** for so long.

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