amanda25 Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 [font=courier new][/font][color=darkblue][/color] Well, here I am, been giving my thoughts to everyone else, stating my opinion, and even saying things I probably shouldn't have..And then today, It all hit me...I hope this is being posted in the right place this time, but If not, I apologyze...Its basically just my thoughts, and what I realized throughout being a member of this group, but also what has been a long time coming, but I just finally realized today..I thought my life was great, when in all reality, its terrible...My friends,druggies,drunks,unemployed,welfare,basically everything but a "hard working citizen"..I've stood beside them, through the good and the bad..Got high with them a couple times here and there, gave them money (and let our bills get behind) when they needed it, rather it be for dope or whatever, not thinking of what I should have been (my daughter,my man, and myself),but thinking about them, my "friends"...What they would think,what they would do,how much fun we could have,etc..Thinking they actually cared about me and would do the same for me, but realized, NO they don't care, and NO they wouldnt... My live in bf and I have been together 2 yrs..We are in the process of buying a house together (with plans of getting married eventually)..He cheated at the beginning of our relationship and lied to me about it, and then when I asked he told me he wanted to be friends with the girl he cheated with..I came here for advice, got it, in most ways, stood to the advice, and we are still together, but this time, its not him....Its ME....He works at a local "government" business, and of course, he can't and won't tolerate drugs,excessive drinking, trouble with the law, any of that...Hes been working overtime, to pay for the bills that I (he helped, but me for the most part) made...I sit here at home, and do nothing all day... Hes made up for what he did...He has tried very hard I think, to prove to me, he wants me and only me...That he loves me and doesn't want anyone else...And no matter what, hes stuck by me..Through the good, the bad, and the ugly...( I was used to dating the "druggies","drunks","women beaters","career criminals" before,up until him...He is totally opposite...)...And hes still with me....Now I keep wondering, "why?" All along I was bringing up what "he" has done to me, which yes,, WAS wrong..And hurt...But I am no better....I never cheated..Never even thought about it, but I was denying him the person that I really am..The person that he first met...Ive turned into a cold hearted bi*ch to him, and hes stuck with me anyway...Its crazy... Why does it seem that we hurt the ones we love the most?? Why does he put up with it?? August 1st is the date for us to take possesion of the house we are buying..I am so anxious, because I want a "new" start for us, something of OURS, that we can build together...Make a home of, anyway we want...Not live in this lil 2 bedroom apt that we are right now...I want eveyrthing to change...And before, I kept saying "August 1st everything changes!"...No, TODAY, everything changes...I am going out to get a job today, and I am not going to stop looking each and every day until I have one...I am going to work 40 hours a week, just as he does, and am telling him this morning when he gets home, that I don't want him working anymore overtime...Let me take on some responsibility for once...To help US make it through and make a good life for my daughter, whom I love as well with ALL of my heart...Parenting is very hard, but I can say, I give my daughter love and care... I am sorry this is long, but I didn't know where to type this, or who to say this to, so I put it here..I welcome and hope people's thoughts will come along with this..The good ones and the bad ones... I just wanted to get this out, off my chest...Today is my new day..Today is OUR new start...For a home, a family, AND a future....I'm going to stop hanging around them same "friends", I am done with them..I am going to put my life into my daughter, OUR relationship, OUR home, and OUR future together, as one.... Thanks to anyone who reads this..Please, leave me with your thoughts.... Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 I hope your new start is really a new start. I can only be reminded of what occurs in my life...of the realities that get reflected in many lives. Many times people say they start anew, trying to go for the better and they do try but then what they ran away from seems to be their natural calling as they inevitably gravitate back to those same toxic people. I hope that when you find a new job that you will stay true...that is not look to some new start in another guy as well...that too seems to be something that occurs in many relationships like this. I'm sorry I can't be all blindly positive but I'm more of a realist. It is often my thoughts that people can't realy change, but I say so out of generalization...playing the numbers game. Very few can become better people, but your guy seems to have changed for the better as it shows in your words. I hope he is that lucky as well when his eyes turn to you. I hope you 2 and your daughter can go down a new path, together. I think he's changed for you as it sounds, and I hope you'll change for him and your daughter and that you remember those who inspired you to become better and not forget them for something else. it's a little downer I know but also good right? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 What prompted this revelation? And please don't say, "I was sitting on the couch, making out with my other boyfriend, eating bon-bons and smoking weed, when Jerry Springer said...." Link to post Share on other sites
jimtash Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 Originally posted by lost_in_chgo What prompted this revelation? And please don't say, "I was sitting on the couch, making out with my other boyfriend, eating bon-bons and smoking weed, when Jerry Springer said...." Maybe because she found the only thing that is there for her day in and day out is this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 What prompted this revelation? And please don't say (...) I s'ppose a good fight has its ways of opening your eyes! Amanda, hope for the better and be prepared for the worst! "Getting a job" isn't the answer to all of your problems. Keeping a job is even more difficult. Now, if you want to do this - change your lifestyle - not for him, but for you and for your daughter, you'll make it. Be sure you've got the right motivation, for it is a war of nerves in the end. But at the end ofthe day, nothing feels better! Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 What prompted this revelation? sometimes things just click into place and you suddenly 'get it' - for whatever reason prompted it. In my experience its usually from a huge event in your life, and buying a house/your friends letting you down etc are a huge events so maybe its that, i am glad for you that it wasnt losing your bf that prompted the change, as so often is the case, and if youd carried on that way maybe you would have lost him. Why does it seem that we hurt the ones we love the most?? it really doesnt have to be that way. its not an easy way of getting through life, and its most certainly not the only way. its understandable that you reacted like that to his cheating, but now you have things clear, go for it. It is often my thoughts that people can't realy change, but I say so out of generalization...playing the numbers game anyone can change, they just dont know how to. because people say its hard to change, those who want to find it hard to do so, when you realise all you have to do is stop doing whats making you unhappy, its easy. Many times people say they start anew, trying to go for the better and they do try you dont 'try', you just do it. am pleased for you amanda BB Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts