Does This Sound Promising?

[jesha]

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I have had a relationship full of ups and downs. He found out his parents were separating about a year and half in - and that's when everything changed. It seemed we broke up maybe 4 times in the course of a year. He would go through these phases where we would be really happy and then start feeling 'removed' and 'disconnected' from me and other people in his life.

 

We were both horrible about communicating our feelings - instead of talking through things we would keep it bottled up until it came out and it often resulted in us breaking up for a short time. Being close to someone and sharing his feelings "scared" him because he grew up in a family that never even said "I love you" to each other - hence why he would never say it to me. A month ago, he texted me saying he felt disconnected again and through a lack of communication he figured I was done with him and broke up with him and I assumed that he didn't think we could work through it and he broke up with me.

 

This past week he desperately tried contacting me and I decided to get to together with him. We actually talked through things and we talked about his fear of love and commitment. He said that I had no idea how much he cared about me because he never worked up the courage to tell me how he felt and etc... We've reconciled and it's been a week and things are really great. This is the happiest we've ever been. He's starting to take classes and got his dream job, and we've gotten more serious in the sense that we are actually talking about having a future together and making plans for it.

 

The problem is that there is always this anxiety and voice in the back of my head saying "what if". What if we can't work through his issues and what if he changes his mind? What if things fall apart? Will I be able to handle it?

 

Does it sound genuine and like things will work out? Does it sound promising?Has anyone else gone through a situation like this and give me some insight? Whether the outcome was good or bad

Edited July 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[catcher]

I have never seen a situation where things are perfect. I think we all have ups and downs and grow as people in the process. His isolating tendencies might come and go for a long while, but that doesn't mean he would love you any less.

 

It sounds to me like he really wants to be with you and does love you but sometimes cant help how he feels/deals with things.

 

Right now it seems like both of you are hoping for the best, and you are considering logically but asking what if.

 

If you decided you love this person, and are sure he loves you, and if you can cope with the potential ups and downs then I think the outcome could be good, but would require a lot of patience.

 

My brother gets like what you described, and has been on and off with his partner a few times over the years. He has told me that he loves her more than anything but really struggles to deal with things sometimes. Every time things ended she would take it so personally, but now she doesn't. She lets him be, and they both love each other even when they have space.

 

I think it helps to look at the situation for what it is rather than what you want it to be, and let go of a lot of the ideals about relationships ie having to always live together etc.

 

First and foremost I think you need to decide if you would be happy and ok through the ups and downs, or if it would take a big toll on you. If it would take a big toll then maybe it is best to walk away. But if you truly love him, and you can accept the way it will be and stay happy then I'd say just keep your chin up and let it be. I think for the anxiety to go away then you have to leave or accept.

Edited July 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[justletgo07]

Hey there. Congrats on being able to reconcile. I know that must be a relief!

 

As an adult (I'm in my late 20s) who's parents are currently divorcing after over 30 years of marriage, I can tell you that is a pretty overwhelming experience. I believe it is actually much harder than dealing with your parents divorcing as a kid. I can relate to your bf's feelings of feeling disconnected and especially the uncertainty around romantic relationships. I know I was the same way with my girlfriend before we broke up (she broke up with me). It's hard, and its a lot of emotions to deal with, and its realizing that the way that your family has been for your whole life is about to fundamentally change forever. It's super heavy stuff.

 

Sounds like part of your issues have been around communication of feelings, and it sounds like you're making some progress with that. I think it will be important to take things slowly, and to be prepared for more ups and downs. Try not to see his parents divorce as something that you have to compete with for his emotions, but an opportunity for you to create a safe, loving environment for him to feel what he needs to feel. It also doesn't mean taking on that burden for yourself, because only he can do that, but I think just letting him know that you're there and aren't looking to go anywhere is important.

 

As in all of these situations, guard your heart. Good luck!

Edited July 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LinkWorshiper]

The fact of the matter is that everybody deals with things differently. Everybody has stuff, and everybody expresses it in their own way based on where they are in life and their past experiences. I think if you and your boyfriend both really love each other and have a basic understanding of what I just said, things should be okay. It's when you start getting to a place where you are not empathetic of the other one's needs, even if you think they are trite and lame, that things start to break down.

[jesha]

Thanks for all the supportive replies.

 

It's especially hard because none of my friends are supportive and they all think our relationship will ultimately fail. But I genuinely feel like things are different now and I see a change in him and in us, and they don't really understand that.

[BC1980]

Ultimately, it is your life, and you are the one who has to live it. People can have their opinions, and it's good to listen to them. Some are valid; some are not. Only you know your relationship. You have to be able to live with your decisions.

[AllTooWell]

What are you doing to make sure it won't end this time?

 

What changes have both of you made to ensure it'll work out?

 

A week is not much time. Real self-reflection and change will take much longer than that.

 

I would say that the issues he has with communication, he needs to seek help and actively tries to change that and be more open. It has only been a week, so take it slow as other posters have said and look out for the red flags that things are falling into the way they were before.