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Ex texted me earlier today.. Unsure of intentions


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After going strong in NC for just two weeks, my ex text me yesterday and earlier today. We broke up roughly 8 months ago, but there's been some sort of communication throughout until NC. She text me yesterday and just said "you destroyed us," then shortly after said sorry and disregard - I never replied. Then, today she emails me and again apologizes for texting me yesterday and asked how I'm doing. About 25 minutes later, she sends another email saying she hasn't gone a day without thinking about me and would really like to know if I'm receiving these emails.

 

I'm REALLY unsure of her intentions. She's done this several times to me before where we start talking again only for her to slam me with rejection.. Is she just having a "weak" moment and wants comfort, or can this somehow be genuine?

 

EDIT: Forgot to mention, I also received three restricted calls (2 back to back) all at the same time of the emails. I can almost guarantee it was her.

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justletgo07
After going strong in NC for just two weeks, my ex text me yesterday and earlier today. We broke up roughly 8 months ago, but there's been some sort of communication throughout until NC. She text me yesterday and just said "you destroyed us," then shortly after said sorry and disregard - I never replied. Then, today she emails me and again apologizes for texting me yesterday and asked how I'm doing. About 25 minutes later, she sends another email saying she hasn't gone a day without thinking about me and would really like to know if I'm receiving these emails.

 

I'm REALLY unsure of her intentions. She's done this several times to me before where we start talking again only for her to slam me with rejection.. Is she just having a "weak" moment and wants comfort, or can this somehow be genuine?

 

EDIT: Forgot to mention, I also received three restricted calls (2 back to back) all at the same time of the emails. I can almost guarantee it was her.

 

After 8 months, I'm guessing you finally went NC because you were tired of the uncertainty and the disappointment and wanted to start moving on with your life. I think that was a very good reason to do so.

 

It sounds like her emotions are all over the place. I don't think it would be a bad idea to respond, necessarily. All depends on where you are with things and what you want. If you really are done and want to move on with your life (seems advisable at this point) then either continue to ignore her and block her, or respond back and tell her that you accept her apology for the text, but you believe it would be best if you didn't speak anymore and just went your separate ways.

 

If you are wanting to see what she wants (less advisable), then email her back, tell her you received her email, and just say "I'm doing well. How are you?" That's it. Then see what she does from there.

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damn, i applaud you for going that long with all of the uncertainty. I'm only a month into my break up with my ex-gf and the uncertainty of whether or not we will ever get back together and she will be able to look past my drug problem is eating me up bad. But i figure, since i took her for granted during the relationship with the drug problem that she is worth fighting for now. We still see each other almost every day to hang out and act as if we are a couple but the uncertainty of what's going to happen in the future is what brings doubts in my mind and eats me alive now. I figure if it doesn't work out, i gave my absolute all to try and make it work and will at least have peace in knowing that. Good luck to you and your situation my friend, i know it's hard and i feel your pain.

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Sounds like she might still want you around, but she's using unhealthy and manipulative techniques to do this.

 

What do you want? Do you want to be together? Do you think you can establish healthy communication? Do you want to move on?

 

You need to know exactly what you want before you respond to her contact.

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Thank you guys for the input. I *DO* want to be with her and I do believe we can have a healthy relationship, but I've been dealing with uncertainty on her end for MONTHS. She has literally done this to me before where one day she is pretty much all go for our relationship, then change her mind the very next day and say she "needs time by herself." Problem is, I know for a fact she is and has been seeing someone else throughout the time we've been broken up, which is basically what the majority of her "uncertainty" is. I won't go into all the details since I actually already did in another thread (Classic Case of False Hope?). It's also in the Second Chances forum, but I think it should've gone to Coping or Break Ups instead.

 

I want to respond to her in a second, but I'm VERY scared of her intentions, and honestly I'm kind of proud of myself for NOT replying right away. I'm terrified of going thru the same feeling of waiting on her every response, and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure/rejection again. I finally started NC two weeks ago because she really put it in MY head that there was no more us. I've been trying hard to force myself to accept it, and now outta the blue she does this..

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It sounds like you're not ready to contact her. Just ignore her for now.

 

You can always respond in a week.

 

Right now, take a breath and regain your balanced state of mind.

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Also, to add to what I would LIKE to tell her if I do respond, I want to basically say that I'm no longer going to accept/believe anymore words. If she truly wants to be with me, then she needs to show action (long story short - I currently live east coast, she's back home west coast, so I need more than just words...). Otherwise, I don't want to continue going through this uncertainty.

 

I hate to make it an ultimatum, but at this point I don't think I have anymore options :(

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Same thing for my my friend, although all of this has only been going on over a month, i try to put it in my head that it's over and will never happen again but she texts all of the time, comes over all of the time, spends the night all of the time and it's just so hard when you get you to that point of being so uncertain if you even want them doing thsese things with you. But in my situation, i feel like it is my only hope at reconciliation with her. she still gets upset when i don't play into her little pity party games and that makes her want me to cuddle, make out, have sex with me even more. All of this is just mind blowing to me because during this one month break she stated talking to a guy who lives 3 hours away and now he hardly texts her at all when shes at my house. it seems as if she knows deep down that won't work but doesn't want to fully commit to me because of fear the drug problem may come back. So i'm stuck in trying to decide if she just wants to take things slow or i am her comfort blanket until she finds somebody new.

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Same thing for my my friend, although all of this has only been going on over a month, i try to put it in my head that it's over and will never happen again but she texts all of the time, comes over all of the time, spends the night all of the time and it's just so hard when you get you to that point of being so uncertain if you even want them doing thsese things with you. But in my situation, i feel like it is my only hope at reconciliation with her. she still gets upset when i don't play into her little pity party games and that makes her want me to cuddle, make out, have sex with me even more. All of this is just mind blowing to me because during this one month break she stated talking to a guy who lives 3 hours away and now he hardly texts her at all when shes at my house. it seems as if she knows deep down that won't work but doesn't want to fully commit to me because of fear the drug problem may come back. So i'm stuck in trying to decide if she just wants to take things slow or i am her comfort blanket until she finds somebody new.

 

That is basically how I feel too man, a comfort blanket. Once she feels better, it'll go back to being confused. Plus, how do I know she just didn't hit a rocky moment with this new guy? All these thoughts and no answers..which is why I WANT to respond but at the same time I'm stopping myself from doing it.

 

FWIW, I wish she and I could have that closeness that you and your ex have, but I definitely understand where you're coming from about being that comfort blanket. I hope it all works out for you in the end

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it's a terible feeling i know man, and even at one point a week ago she tells me "I don't think we can be together anymore, the drug has done too much damage". And then she coninues to come over, inittiates cuddling, kissing, and sex. I told here i am aways here for her no matter what, but i mean what are her intentions with doing all of this. We need TaraMaiden to come in here and clear this all up for us. I am putting my absolute all into this and taking it seriously. A lot of people here would advise no contact, but then she wouldn't be able to see allof the progress i've been making and probably find somebody else thinking i was doing it out of spite. And she has admitted she still has feelings for me and those won't just go away. But damn, it hurts kowing she is still single and someday somebody else could grab her attention and take away a girl i truly loved

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and also look man, be there for her even if it is just a rocky moment her and her bf are going through, it could also be regrets about leaving you eating her up making her think she made the wrong decision, you never know

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justletgo07
Also, to add to what I would LIKE to tell her if I do respond, I want to basically say that I'm no longer going to accept/believe anymore words. If she truly wants to be with me, then she needs to show action (long story short - I currently live east coast, she's back home west coast, so I need more than just words...). Otherwise, I don't want to continue going through this uncertainty.

 

I hate to make it an ultimatum, but at this point I don't think I have anymore options :(

 

If you're going to give her an ultimatum, why respond at all? Not responding will say the same thing, without you having to make it 100% clear that you still have feelings for her and that she is making you feel uncertain/uncomfortable.

 

It sounds like being together is logistically difficult right now. Short of a major move on one of your parts, is being in a relationship even feasible right now? What sort of action would be sufficient for you, and is it realistic that you'd get that action, even if she did want to get back together?

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If you're going to give her an ultimatum, why respond at all? Not responding will say the same thing, without you having to make it 100% clear that you still have feelings for her and that she is making you feel uncertain/uncomfortable.

 

It sounds like being together is logistically difficult right now. Short of a major move on one of your parts, is being in a relationship even feasible right now? What sort of action would be sufficient for you, and is it realistic that you'd get that action, even if she did want to get back together?

Hey, just letgo07 would oyu have any advice or insight about my situation i've posted in this same thread? if you do it would be appreciated

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If you're going to give her an ultimatum, why respond at all? Not responding will say the same thing, without you having to make it 100% clear that you still have feelings for her and that she is making you feel uncertain/uncomfortable.

 

It sounds like being together is logistically difficult right now. Short of a major move on one of your parts, is being in a relationship even feasible right now? What sort of action would be sufficient for you, and is it realistic that you'd get that action, even if she did want to get back together?

 

That's what I want though. I want to make sure that she KNOWS how I feel, especially because she's mentioned in the past that I never really communicated my feelings well. In terms of the "physically" being together, she's talked time and time again about coming over here to live with me after she graduates (this coming week). I've been holding onto that since the day I moved here.. and she knows this. When I started the NC, I did it because she took away the hope I had. She was very adamant that her life is better without me, and it crushed any hopes or dreams of her being here with me. It was a cold bucket of reality.

 

So, she knows what the action is, and it isn't something I would be randomly throwing at her..It's something that essentially she created. If she can't commit to her own words, I just don't see any reason to speak to her and continue with NC.

 

Thoughts?

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LadyAnglerTx

These people who dump us then days or weeks later have panic attacks and start texting us or calling us in desperation really screw with our emotions.

 

My ex was doing this recently - he texted me wanting to take me to dinner, then decides after dinner he's not sure of his feelings, then days/weeks go by and I hear nothing. Then he resurfaces wanting another dinner date....I go like a fool.

 

Then he says "I wanted to see if there were still feelings but I think too much has been said and done in the past..".

 

WTF? Because these idiots can't make up their mind and want to toy with us I say keep up the NC (NO CONTACT!!!!). Don't respond in weak moments - it's not worth it!!! You broke up for a reason and because they suddenly want to come back - forget about it. It's hard but so worth it in the end not to be left crying with your head spinning (like me).

 

If someone dumped you - don't let them back in. Recipe for trouble and you'll be calling the doctor saying "My heart is shattered in to millions of pieces can you operate and put it all back together?".

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justletgo07
That's what I want though. I want to make sure that she KNOWS how I feel, especially because she's mentioned in the past that I never really communicated my feelings well. In terms of the "physically" being together, she's talked time and time again about coming over here to live with me after she graduates (this coming week). I've been holding onto that since the day I moved here.. and she knows this. When I started the NC, I did it because she took away the hope I had. She was very adamant that her life is better without me, and it crushed any hopes or dreams of her being here with me. It was a cold bucket of reality.

 

So, she knows what the action is, and it isn't something I would be randomly throwing at her..It's something that essentially she created. If she can't commit to her own words, I just don't see any reason to speak to her and continue with NC.

 

Thoughts?

 

Wait for a few days and see if she reaches out. If she does, answer and see what she wants. If she doesn't text her back and ask what's up.

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These people who dump us then days or weeks later have panic attacks and start texting us or calling us in desperation really screw with our emotions.

 

Only because you let it. Once you learn to let go, and realize that until they're actually knocking down your door to give it another shot, it's over and anything else in between is just what it is, talk.

 

My ex broke up with me 9 weeks ago today, and we've been in fairly regular contact since (see/speak to each other about 2-3 times per week). I've gotten a lot of mixed feelings and messages from her during that time, stuff that is probably all actually true (her missing me, still loving me etc.), but I've sort of just grown tired of reading too much in to it, it gets you nowhere except feeling confused and miserable.

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It sounds like you're not ready to contact her. Just ignore her for now.

 

You can always respond in a week.

 

Right now, take a breath and regain your balanced state of mind.

 

Thanks for this.. And pisces13 as well. I was so tempted to reply right away and answer that call, but your guys' support really helped me keep cool and "breathe."

 

I just replied to her. I know it wasn't a week like you suggested, but I feel better knowing I did it with a clear and sound mind. I made sure not to throw out any accusations and just tell her clearly how I feel.

 

I'll update this thread when/if I get a reply. Thanks again

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Got her reply not too much later after I sent the email yesterday. Pretty much was the usual.. Says thanks for understanding "her" and the moment of weakness contacting me. She finished it off implying yet again that our current situation is my fault rather than both of us. Obviously she didn't just say it, but that's what I took from what she wrote. I want to be sad, but I'm so much more upset because she just seems SO selfish!! She said nothing at all about what I said or felt, and only cared to reply how MY actions ruined us. Maybe it's just me, but it really just disgusted me because I truly thought this girl was different.. I'm no angel, I've made plenty of mistakes and I admit my wrong, but she STILL can't acknowledge that we both played our part in this. It pisses me off so damn bad. Does it make sense to feel this way??

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It's so true. My ex asked me to go to lunch with him recently, and I actually said no. I just kept thinking why would I want to subject myself to this torture when I have come so far. I know how it will likely end, and I will be upset and thinking about old times. That's a terrible road to go down.

 

Also, it gives your ex power over you. They see that you are ready to jump when they want to get back into the relationship. I think some people like that power, to see if they can get someone back.

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