She left, but she loves me?

[HJZ]

Hi everyone,

 

this is my first post, I'd really appreciate some input. Never in my life thought I'd find myself on a website like this, but here I am! My gf left me 2 months ago after we were experiencing some issues in our relationship, nothing major, but according to her she needed some space. I felt like my whole world just collapsed, I couldn't work, couldn't focus on anything. I still feel this way in a sense...what else would I be doing here on this site

 

We've been together for nearly 3 years. I'm 30, she's 25. Lived together for the bigger part of it all. We've had our differences in the past, but nothing unhealthy, just the standard stuff that all couples go through after the 'honeymoon period' wears off. Things may have gotten a little serious towards the end, so I'm rather sure it's a case of G.I.G.S, I even told her this and sent her an email after our breakup with a definition of G.I.G.S, to which she replied (by phoning me) to with: "Well, I can't argue with that, it seems to be the case". For the most part of our 3 years, we were happy and figured that we would get married eventually. I've always been more of the solid one in our relationship, but I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a little older than her. I wouldn't want to change anything about her, but she is probably the less mature one of us, but I can see a younger version of myself in her. I used to move from one girl to the other without any real attachment, but as I got older I realized this wasn't going to make me happy in the long run.

 

I went NC 3 weeks after our breakup for about a month. In the first 3 weeks I did all those wonderful things that we tend to do after being dumped...begged, pleaded, cried like a baby, sent flowers, bought a I'm sorry card...obviously it didn't really swing things in my favor. So I figured NC was my last resort and stuck to it. In the first 3 weeks before NC she was very cold, I felt like I didn't know this person anymore, but then after a month of NC, she seemed to have warmed up a bit, BUT now she has left to go work abroad for a couple of months...how many I'm not sure and I think she may even be less sure, but definitely not longer than 6-8 months, it may be less.

 

Here's the catch, a week or so before she left, another guy entered the picture. She must have met him somewhere within the month or so that we were NC. She's been partying more in the last 2 months than she ever did. I don't know what happened between them, but I'm not too worried about it. I have been with a few girls after the breakup myself, just to try and get over her...IMO dumbest advice anyone could give you. Dating / hooking up with other girls will not make you get over the one you love..it just made me feel empty.

 

She also has this way of not really dealing with her emotions, I think she tried to party all her problems away without actually thinking too much about it. She met all these new friends in these 2 months.

 

A day or 2 before she left for overseas, she came by my (our old) home and I could just see she was so confused, she looked at me in the same way she used to look at me. We only spent 10 minutes together. This was the first time we had seen each other in a little over a month. When I hugged her goodbye, she cried quite a bit, luckily I didn't (well, after she left maybe..just maybe) The following day she also told me by text that, yes, she still loves me, she's just confused, but she can't guarantee that we'll get back together. At this stage all the arrangements for her new job had been completed, tickets booked, so I wasn't going to try and change her mind. I also know her very well, so I knew she wouldn't change her mind.

 

Now back to the other fella, I know he's been keeping in touch with her and he's trying to convince her to come on holiday with him after her first 3 months of working abroad (their holiday would be abroad also). They won't be seeing each other in these 3 months before the 'holiday'. They are definitely not in a relationship of any sorts (yet), but if I had to guess, I'd say they kissed and may have spent a night together during the last weekend before she left. (this was before she came round to my house)

 

This is where I'd like some advice. I love this woman with all my heart and still intend on marrying her. It just doesn't seem to me that NC would really make sense in this situation. She's dealing with a new exciting environment (she's an outdoor water sports instructor in a tropical area) so she won't have any shortage of guys hitting on her - this is not my biggest concern though. We are both adults and for the time being, we are broken up, so I'm in no position to tell her what to do. However, what do you guys reckon would be the best way to go about this situation?? I don't want to bombard her with messages and emails all the time, I know this will annoy her and push her away, but if I go NC I fear that this other guy may fill her needs...tricky situation, isn't it.

 

I may be leaving out some really important details without knowing, feel free to ask if I forgot to mention anything important.

 

Thanks

Edited May 5, 2013 by HJZ

[swiftly333]

Everything can change while she's abroad. Many in your favor, maybe not. I believe she is confused, and maybe her living abroad and being by her self out there will be good for her. I'm glad she's doing it. If you really think you want to marry her, a few months apart doesn't seem so long. I would keep in contact with her as a friend. She's probably going to need a lot of emotional support. Living in another country is really crazy and since she's already jumbled up emotionally it's probably going to be a bit of a rough transition. I wouldn't worry to much about the things not within your control. Just focus on bettering yourself and leave the door open by being in contact with her. Don't ask her about the other guy or question her about her dating/social life. She's not your GF anymore and bugging her about it might push her away or set her off. Don't act jealous or needy. Tell her you still care and that you're sorry things didn't work out but you're here if an when she needs you. Hopefully she'll get clarity and realize it you she wants and maybe you guys can patch things up when she returns. But don't bank on it an in the meantime live your own life and do things for yourself! It's all about you now. Keep the door open, but also work on moving on. Don't just wait around to her. Be open go five possibilities as well.

 

Maybe that's not the answer you want, but that's what i suggest.

 

Best of luck!

[HJZ]

Thanks for the reply, really appreciate it. Yes, I've been focusing on myself, as I know all too well that waiting around won't do me any good. She has worked abroad before while we were dating, but only for 2 months, which was fine, but this time we're broken up. She did mention though, that she may be interested in getting together again sometime in the future, but she can't say how long it would take...could be years I guess. She's a rather strong person, don't know if this will count in my favor or not! It's weird, but it has actually made things easier for me knowing she's in another country...

 

Thanks again

[TearyEyedPride]

If you really love her... letting her go and moving on with your life will be the only real way for her to ever return freely.

 

You said she left, you're sure she meant what she said about how she feels... Respect that and don't continue to hold on to hope because it only delays your personal healing. I know it's hard... but you guys have already failed in that previous relationship. All bets are off. All future promises made are null and void. All old loving words, memories, phrases that you keep repeating in your head... all expired. You love her... she loves you that's it. She no longer wants to work at staying or being "in love" with you. Time and distance will heal the pain and eventually tire out the emotional bonds between you two. If it's meant to be, life will bring you two back together down the road, but that's only if you travel your own path. She's already started. Follow suit.

[HJZ]

Thanks TearyEyedPride. I get the part of not holding on to hope, but I guess its hard at the beginning, I was doing alright until she came around my place and cried, didn't help that she said she still loves me either. But I'm sure you're right, time will heal and what will be, will be. The only thing I was/am having a difficult time with, is whether to completely break contact again or send the odd msg every other week or month.

[aisuru]

I think you should remain no contact for now. Don't set some timeline of reaching out to her. Let her explore her world and you explore your world.

 

Don't worry about the other guy. This shouldn't be a competition.

[HJZ]

Thanks, I was also thinking of staying no contact for at least the next 2 months, and then I'll see how I feel and decide on my next move (if any)

[Pisces13]

Thanks TearyEyedPride. I get the part of not holding on to hope, but I guess its hard at the beginning, I was doing alright until she came around my place and cried, didn't help that she said she still loves me either. But I'm sure you're right, time will heal and what will be, will be. The only thing I was/am having a difficult time with, is whether to completely break contact again or send the odd msg every other week or month.

 

I think it's up to you. Most people on here will sing the praises of NC and that's all you'll ever hear from them, but IMO it depends on the type of person you are, and how you're dealing with the whole situation. I believe that you can maintain a friendship post breakup, so long as you go about it the right way.

 

If you're a complete emotional wreck who simply can't bare the sight of your ex without a whole rush of emotions overcoming you, then yes, NC is probably the best thing for you to do. But you seem to be coping alright. You're still sad and emotional of course (that's to be expected), but it doesn't sound like you're letting it rule your life. You've been out seeing other girls, doing your own thing etc. and that is the best thing you can do moving forward.

[SimonSerenade]

That sounds like a real heart wrenching situation man, it's hard to tell you what do, I'm in the same situation right now and she too seems to be at that stage of her life where she feels the grass might be greener, we were together for year and a half, got engaged just before Christmas, right before a little argument we had things were great then out of nowhere she tells me she's not in love with me anymore and isn't sexually attracted to me, the rest of what she said is a little fuzzy as I can't make any sense out of it what so ever.

 

For all I know there could be another guy or she could just very well not want me anymore, the reasons don't really matter, what's happening does matter, I don't think there's really a plan when things like this happen, i love my ex and I would do anything to see her happy and if walking away is the only thing that's going to make her happy then that's just what I have to do.

 

My advice to you is to take a step back, you probably shouldn't of had a few one nighters, I've never tried it but thinking of myself with someone else right now would just kill me, let alone actually doing it, I always thought that advice was rather insensitive and disgusting, doing that will probably mess your head up more, I think you should tell her how you feel and be fair with her, no crying begging or any of that, you seem like a nice genuine guy so I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem telling her something special.

 

Right now I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, all I know is I care deeply for my ex and she knows how I feel and where I stand, she knows at this moment I'm always going to want her and want that future with her but I have to let her decide if she wants that too and right now it's out of my hands jut like it is with your girl, don't beat yourself up about it or even wonder how you got in this mess, these sort of things just happen.

 

Honesty the thought of my ex with another guy destroys me so your a bigger guy than I am for getting on so well with it, even with that in end shes a wonderful person and deserves all the happiness in the world, if it isn't in the form of being married to me in the future then so be it, some other guy will be the Lucky one, that's a there is to it, you have to let her make her own decisions and experience the parts of life she feels she's missing out on, she might have made a mistake but only she will know that and only then you know that, don't wait for her though, that will only prolong your suffering.

[thefooloftheyear]

Thanks, I was also thinking of staying no contact for at least the next 2 months, and then I'll see how I feel and decide on my next move (if any)

 

Eh, by that time you probably wont give a crap much anymore...I know it hurts and it sucks.

 

People put too much stock in what people say..Its easy as hell to asy I love you. Its just three words. Aside from what people think, its not some form of a binding contract.

 

Its only "good" the moment the person says it. The expiration date is a second later.

 

Good luck and hang in there...

 

TFY

[HJZ]

Simon Serenade - Thank you man, appreciate the long post. I agree with you 100%. At the moment it seems like your world is ending...but time will sort things out. I agree that the best thing to do is just to let her know how I feel (which I did, she knows exactly where I stand) and then to take a step back. It won't be a healthy relationship if she doesn't come back on her own, without any convincing on my part. Same with your girl. Don't get me wrong, the thought of her with other guys kills me just as much, but unfortunately its not something I can control at this stage. It may even help her realize that the grass isn't greener - something she won't know unless she sees other guys...not a thought I enjoy, but there's probably some truth in it. Best of luck to you, hope it all works out in the end.

 

thefooloftheyear - Thank you, I don't think I won't give a crap in 2 months time, I may have a clearer view on the whole situation, but I'll still give a crap. I've known her for 7 years, dated for 3...she won't just disappear from my thoughts. But I can understand what you mean with this.

[SimonSerenade]

This isn't my first time in a situation like this, about a year and a Half before me and my current ex got together my ex of 3-4 years who I had a child with dumped my ass, very similar age and circumstance, I did everything wrong after that break up, like you begged pleaded wrote he long emails and would randomly ring her in tears, that made it so much easier for her to move on, looking back I made it so hard on myself, I should of accepted the situation and stared down the desperation at hand, it was simply out of my hands, like you I blamed myself and found it hard to move on, after a few months I got back on my feet and started living life again, I was happy being single and didn't need anyone in that way, I was happy to be alone with myself for once, an opportunity for a second chance always stuck in the back of my mind and I alway hoped for that and just before I got with my current ex she came back wanting to make another go of it, so it does happen but hardly ever when you want it too, you just got to make yourself unavailable to her and focus on yourself, she may snap out of it but you got I leave her to it and don't even think about it, by the time my ex came back I had fallen head over heels and couldn't see myself without my current ex, so life goes on and if your not going to wind up with her in the end you just nice know who's around that corner I can honestly say my recent ex was the one for me all along, I might be the one for her but only she will find that out, hope this gives you some encouragement if nothing else, hope it works out for you, your a good dude.

[SimonSerenade]

Sorry for the errors by the way, been writing these posts on my iPod touch lol.

[HJZ]

Hi guys, thanks to everyone for their input & advice. Its now been about 3 weeks since I last posted. If anyone's got some advice as to how to continue or if anyone's been in a similar situation...I'd appreciate some advice.

 

I decided not to go full no contact after all & just kept in touch very casually, probably only about 1 or 2 text msg's in total, but last night she reached out to me and initiated contact for the first time in quite some time by adding me on Skype.

 

I asked her how she feels & she told me she can't predict the future or really say what will happen, but she can tell me that she is not over me, still misses me and gets very sad when she thinks of me / us. I told her the same on my side. She says that she feels that if she doesn't try to get over me and be okay by herself, that she'll 'lose herself'. Now I kinda get what she's saying, but it scares me that she is actively 'trying' to get over me.

 

I guess this sounds like a pointless post, like things are going rather well for me, what am I complaining about?! But I'm really a little confused as to what my next step should be...it's been about 3 months since the breakup & she's saying that she's still not over me, which obviously makes me happy, but I can't help thinking that my next move ( / no move at all) or way of contact would be critical? Maybe I should just chill and let things run their course...not sure.

[moneyneversleeps]

Im in a similar situation also.

I believe that a woman would only get GIGS if she feels like she is missing out on something...

The only way this would happen is if you were controlling her, or not questioning and encouraging her to follow her dreams..

This like encouraging and respecting their opinions etc etc.

This may or may not be the case, i may be totally off the mark but in me over analysing the relationship that i was in, i truly believe this is the case and something i will definitely take out of my failed relationship.

[avelonia2013]

This is a tough situation to be in and it's hard to say, but I will say this; love shouldn't be about what the next "move" should be. It's not a game and it shouldn't be viewed as such. From what I see in your posts it looks like she is finding comfort knowing you're still there as a safety net if she needs you. She doesn't have to miss you because she knows you are there. Also, it must hurt when she tells you how uncertain she is about a relationship with you. Who needs that pain? Breaking up is hard enough without hearing their thoughts on the matter. Sheeesh. It's like putting your hand in the flame and wondering why it burned you. Stop burning yourself!

 

In my experience, if a person has a safety net, it makes it easier for them to not commit to a decision one way or the other. They will keep you in limbo while they are out living. Is that how you want to be treated? Stop being her safety net. In this case, I would go complete NC from this point forward and start living your life as if she's not coming back. She needs to feel what life is like without you. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It means she will need to grow and figure out on her own what she really wants. If the love you have is real; she will find her way back to you. But, to be honest, getting her back before that point will only create problems.

 

In the meantime, get out there and starting doing some growing on your own without her as a safety net and see where it takes you.

 

I hope this helps.

Edited May 27, 2013 by avelonia2013

[HJZ]

Moneyneversleeps - Thanks, yes I agree with you, although she's 25, she has that type of personality, where she always thinks better things are around the corner, never really happy & content with the way things are. Only time and experience will teach her that sometimes you should be happy with what you have (not necessarily only relationship wise). I never controlled her and always told her that I never want to be the one that stands in the way of her dreams.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

avelonia2013 - Thank you for your time and advice. Yes, this is quite a tough situation! I think you are saying what I've known deep down all along. Unfortunately, we're all human and sometimes its hard to just let go, but I think you are right. Yes, its hard to hear how uncertain she is, but 'luckily' its not so much how uncertain she is about a relationship with me, but about a relationship with anybody at the time. She says she doesn't think she'll ever be able to have the same love for anybody again...at least not for a very long time. I've given what you said some thought, and think that it would actually be a good time to go NC, as the last contact we had, ended on a good note. Yes, right now I am her safety net, (and the other way around I guess) which sucks, but truth be told, if this wasn't the girl I wanted to marry, I would never have been on some 'love advice website'. I agree that love is not game and shouldn't be viewed as such, but I also think folding our arms and sitting back waiting for things to unfold isn't ALWAYS the best option. Thanks again!

Edited May 28, 2013 by HJZ

[HJZ]

It has now been 2 years since I started this topic - I thought it would be a good idea to tell everyone how it turned out...I know 2 years ago when I was still going through these forums, I saw a lot of stories, where people didn't go through the trouble of logging back in after years have gone by..so often I found myself wondering whether there's still hope etc...

 

Unfortunately if you're reading this, hoping for a happy ending where I got her back, I'm going to have to disappoint you. However, there's hope!! Not for us, but in general

 

A few months after our break-up we met up again, just a quick hello. We kissed, but she felt guilty (she was already with her new bf) and left. Once again, I was a broken man...went through everything all over again!

 

But TIME DOES HEAL! Time went by and less than a year ago I again bumped into her. She was and still is with her new bf. We talked, had a few laughs, but her attitude was different this time, I could see she wanted me back, her body language, everything...and then she even went as far as to tell me that she wishes things could have worked out differently and asked whether I think there could maybe still be a chance for us. She sat right next to me and put her hand on my leg, but at this point something inside me had changed already. My eyes were open and I could honestly say that I did not want to be with this person anymore.

 

I know this is a long, boring (and somewhat confusing) story, but the point I want to bring across is that time REALLY REALLY does heal. Sometimes a breakup causes all kinds of smoke and mirrors in our heads. 2 years ago this woman was without any doubt, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but only now am I able to realize that I wasn't seeing as clear as I possibly could.

 

Today I can honestly say that I wish the 2 of them all the luck and happiness in the world. I still think of her once in a while, but the thoughts are different today. All I'm saying is, that right after a breakup, you're whole world seems to fall apart, I know how it hurts and I remember how often I cried, every day for a long long time, but eventually the sun will break through again and you'll be able to live a happy life again.

 

Currently I'm single, but I'm as happy as I ever was! Hope this story didn't do more harm than good. Just thought I'd share my experience.

 

Best of luck to everyone

[HJZ]

Oh, and another thing - I guess if you think about it, this would be a 'no contact' success story. Eventually she wanted me back, but only after I had moved on.

[kacper]

That's cool that you checked back in. You only ever hear from people on here when they are at their worst and struggling with perspective. Good to hear you got to see the bigger picture.

 

It's so weird how the universe seems to wait until you are actually over it, before offering the chance to reconcile. And being "over it" does usually mean NC. I'm still on the fence about wanting my girl back, but with each passing month I feel more and more apathetic about it.