Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Some people probably know my break thread but I thought id post in here for alternate perspective. I am trying to get through Christmas. but technically we're not broken up yet. he wanted the break, I gave it to him. I would never have contacted him. he kept texting me and calling me by his nicknames he has for me. he dropped a present off at my office with a card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year in it. The mixed messages are driving me mad and affecting my ability to let go. What would you make of it. Link to post Share on other sites
jags2bowl27 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 explain to him that u need to move on, and if he is not sure of himself, then out of love and respect for YOU, he needs to let YOU go just as much as YOU need to let HIM go. Time tells a lot. With my situation, i broke up with someone that truly cared (we only were dating 2 months) to test if she was being serious. Turns out, she just isnt ready. I showed my commitment one final time, its ends now. New year, new beginning. Move on and let him handle his own problems by himself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 I want to be with him though...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jags2bowl27 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I want to be with him though...... Yeah and i want to be with my ex right now, the fact is, he said he needs space and a break. its time to make him realize what life will be without u in it. If its meant to be, he will come back quick 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 How long has it been? Its been 4 weeks for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I don't think anything has changed since your earlier posts, and you also still seem ready to overlook all the gigantic flapping red flags that are screaming to you that you and this guy are NOT going to have any kind of long term functional relationship. Ever. I know how hard it is to get through Christmas when you feel like you are separated from someone you really care about but you will, as long as YOU do the work of moving on from this. If you keep obsessing, rewriting history, and fantasizing you will remain in this state for a long time. If there was really any hope (disregarding the fact that this guy is not in any way relationship material at this stage of his life - and he shows no sign of growing up) he would not leave you on your own for Christmas. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jags2bowl27 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I don't think anything has changed since your earlier posts, and you also still seem ready to overlook all the gigantic flapping red flags that are screaming to you that you and this guy are NOT going to have any kind of long term functional relationship. Ever. I know how hard it is to get through Christmas when you feel like you are separated from someone you really care about but you will, as long as YOU do the work of moving on from this. If you keep obsessing, rewriting history, and fantasizing you will remain in this state for a long time. If there was really any hope (disregarding the fact that this guy is not in any way relationship material at this stage of his life - and he shows no sign of growing up) he would not leave you on your own for Christmas. amen hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 amen hahaha Glad you find it funny. I'll be equally rude and callous to you in future Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 explain to him that u need to move on, and if he is not sure of himself, then out of love and respect for YOU, he needs to let YOU go just as much as YOU need to let HIM go. Time tells a lot. With my situation, i broke up with someone that truly cared (we only were dating 2 months) to test if she was being serious. Turns out, she just isnt ready. I showed my commitment one final time, its ends now. New year, new beginning. Move on and let him handle his own problems by himself Hey, can you elaborate on this? You broke up to test if she was serious about what? And she wasn't ready for what? How did you know she wasn't ready for whatever it was that she was supposed to be ready for? Link to post Share on other sites
jags2bowl27 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Hey, can you elaborate on this? You broke up to test if she was serious about what? And she wasn't ready for what? How did you know she wasn't ready for whatever it was that she was supposed to be ready for? When she saw me with my new girl, she started to get jealous and make her way bac, second guessing herself. I saw nothing happening with the new girl so i broke things off out off, it wasnt fair to the new girl. Then i presented the fact to my ex that we were done and everything is fixable. She then said she wasnt ready at this time, but hey, she has time for the new guy that is near her in her city Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I don't think anything has changed since your earlier posts, and you also still seem ready to overlook all the gigantic flapping red flags that are screaming to you that you and this guy are NOT going to have any kind of long term functional relationship. Ever. I know how hard it is to get through Christmas when you feel like you are separated from someone you really care about but you will, as long as YOU do the work of moving on from this. If you keep obsessing, rewriting history, and fantasizing you will remain in this state for a long time. If there was really any hope (disregarding the fact that this guy is not in any way relationship material at this stage of his life - and he shows no sign of growing up) he would not leave you on your own for Christmas. I have to Quote this For truth. There is NO SUCH THING AS A "BREAK". He wants you there enough for you to be a 'soft place to fall' but not enough to commit to you and make a go of it. Chances are, he's thinking of other ways to 'let you down gently' - to appease his guilt, and make himself feel better - not you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tori0001 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I don't think that's true. You don't buy a Christmas gift for someone you don't care about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 I'm not allowing my self to read into it as I am trying to let it go. but I find this situation impossible to explain. he also.came to my office to deliver it. I have broken up with people before and that was it, gone, over, nothing more. This is just weirdness all round. I am going through the motions. I have done denial, anger and now I am stuck in depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 I haven't reciprocated: I'm taking his presents back. I sent him a.Christmas card though but I wish I hadn't done that. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I don't think that's true. You don't buy a Christmas gift for someone you don't care about. It's not a question of 'not caring about'. He doesn't care enough about her to go out with her. Gift-buying in this circumstance is making himself feel better, not being nice to her. Sure he 'cares' about her. But only enough to make himself feel slightly less like a heel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 The texts are more painful.......he is still calling me by his put name for me. it is a knife in my heart every time. IDK. But I wouldn't stay in contact with someone I had dumped and leave them presents. On the other hand when I was dating a guy in grad school ibwas coming up to final exams. I was the most miserable, stressed out, had nothing to talk about but study.....it pushed my bf away. I would have loved to say lets take a break from.each other while I sort this.mess out and I can devote my full attention to you when its over. But I know, I know, its not looking remotely positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 Pet name sorry Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 OK: This is what you text him: "Please stop contacting me, unless it's to say you want to make a really good go of our relationship. Don't text me, don't call me pet names, don't phone, don't write. Leave me alone, completely, unless and until you know I am the right person for you, bar none, and you believe you are the right person for me. You're hurting me too much. if you want to stop hurting me - please respect me enough to leave me alone." Send it. PLEASE, PLEASE send it . This is the only way you'll save your sanity. Please. S-E-N-D I-T. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 I've been reading stuff about gaslighting and wondering if there was an element of it in the relationship, deliberate or not. He told me that he didn't know who I was or what I liked. he didn't know anything about me as I.didn't seem.to have any interests. he didn't know what my music and film tastes were. I went away ashamed at what a colourless boring person i was and no wonder he didn't like me. Then I thought about it some more and all these memories came.back. he's crazy ir has the worst memory possible. If he didn't know who I was then he walked through it with his eyes shut. it is not my fault he didn't listen. He is.definitely depressed though and he said it affected his memory. tragic all.round. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 I will if he texts again. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I will if he texts again. Hi Amelie1980 Sorry you are going through this. he is gaslighting you. playing games with your mind. He is a coward at best, a cheating one at worst. Really, even if he texts you, Don`t reply with anything Silence can say so much more than anything you reply back to him. aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 OK: This is what you text him: "Please stop contacting me, unless it's to say you want to make a really good go of our relationship. Don't text me, don't call me pet names, don't phone, don't write. Leave me alone, completely, unless and until you know I am the right person for you, bar none, and you believe you are the right person for me. You're hurting me too much. if you want to stop hurting me - please respect me enough to leave me alone." Send it. PLEASE, PLEASE send it . This is the only way you'll save your sanity. Please. S-E-N-D I-T. hi TaraMaiden With respect, this is not the right way to do it. It`s negative suggestion. Telling someone NOT to do something will have the opposite effect. aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 You know I did some research about gaslighting earlier as I thought I was going mad. When he came up with all the reasons we weren't meant to be together he said he didn't know who I was or what I liked. I thought I was going crazy. I felt terrible & berated myself for being such a dull colourless boring person. He ripped apart my film and music tastes and said I didn't seem to like anything. then after feeling terrible & being the worst girlfriend ever and a boring person. I suddenly began to remember all these things we had discussed. I've lost count of the times I mentioned my interests, I found text messages dated 9 months ago discussing film / music etc. he said in the same breath that id opened his eyes to everything that's out there. I was always taking him somewhere: to my favourite places, parks, historical palaces and monuments, museums and galleries. I felt as if I was going mad. if he doesn't know who I am or what I like, he must be deaf and blind or both. or its gaslighting. my friends say I have very clear tastes and they have never seen me like this. He has been under enormous pressure and it has affected his memory. he couldn't remember conversations from one day to the next. god knows what's going on on there. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 He has been under enormous pressure and it has affected his memory. he couldn't remember conversations from one day to the next. god knows what's going on on there. Amelie1980 No you aren`t going mad. You are making excuses for him for whatever reason thou. Does he repeat himself a lot? Is he over 60? If so it might be the 1st sign of dementia setting in. under 60? well you know what i`m going to say. WHO isn`t " under enormous pressure" ?? Sorry , but you are not only the `backup` plan, but you are the willing `backup` plan. aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 What do you mean I'm a back up plan? Does it sound as of there is gaslighting there? Link to post Share on other sites
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