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Having seen an ex with good and bad ending


Bryant528

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This is my first post so this story is kind of long. Those who know the longer version always thought it was a story book fairy tale and would culminate to a happy ending...

 

We met in NY when we started dating. We considered ourselves blessed because we brought out the best in each other and were great together. Most importantly we both wanted to move to SF eventually. We were only together briefly when he got a job offer and had to SF. I let him go with a happy face though it hurt terribly to lose someone I cared about, by doing that I thought he wouldn't feel guilty for leaving me behind. He ended up calling me every day for a month after even though we weren't in a ldr. A month later we fought intensely, I asked to get in touch less - he interpreted it as a break up so it ended.

 

I didn't tell him I decided I would move to SF because I felt I needed to do it for myself more than solely for the possibility of reuniting.

 

Four months later in July I made it. I emailed him to see if he wanted to get together as I've just moved to the city but he only congratulates me and says no to meeting up and doesn't even inquire how I am doing. I'm devastated but realize he's moved on so I must do the same.

 

Nov/December

Thanksgiving he emails me out of the blue and asks how I'm doing. We exchange a few emails back and forth eventually he asks to catch up. At this point, I've had some kind of closure and feel I can handle it. We catch up and it's great I tell him about my experiences excitedly but he drops a bomb and apologizes to me for being a jerk, acting like a coward when I moved because he knew I didn't know anybody in town, I was unfamiliar with the city and he could have been welcoming. I asked him why he didn't contact me, he said it was because he still had feelings for me, couldn't deal with it and when he found out I was in town he would drink himself to sleep at night. He recently put himself in my shoes and realized what I felt. I forgave him, thanked him for the apology.

He asked me to dinner four nights later he apologizes for being a jerk again, then he tells me how he's changed, how he's more compassionate, and ways he's grown. Later he kisses me. I was so afraid he kissed me I couldn't kiss back, I was afraid because my defenses were up I couldn't open up right away.

I didn't know what he was after?

 

I had him come over for dinner a few days later because I wanted to thank him for the previous dinners but the moment he walked in he was cold, and a bit rude. During dinner he opened up to me about memories of his mom, how she would be proud of him now and how he's gotten to be more independent, how he's broadening his perspective being here and his relationships with people. Later on the conversation turned to Sunday evening and I wanted to know why he kissed me. He said he felt like it. I asked him if he liked me he said, "I told you before that you're beautiful and the first night I saw you again I wanted to kiss you." I asked him what he wanted and he tells me he wants to do all these things in life so he can grow. He asked me how I felt. I told him what I feel v. what I think are not the same, I feel I care about him, like him and would like to be with him eventually but my head says I want to get reacquainted slowly (it's been 7 mo.) and see where things go, because at this point in my life I'm still creating a foundation of friends in a new city. He said he was still working on things himself and keeps wanting to move forward. He's not sure if we can be friends because we would be an obstacle to each other moving forward. At this point I was in his arms, my defenses down, feeling good and weird at the same time I said, "please,don't tell me I have to let you go a second time. You just came back." He asked why I would, and I responded "because I don't want to get in your way if I'm an obstacle to your progress in life."

He asked how I would feel if he was dating someone, I said probably a little hurt, he said this is why we can't be around each other as friends because he doesn't want to hide that he's on a date if he goes on one. I said, it didn't make sense if he had feelings for me to date other people it's unfair to the parties involved. Eventually he concluded he's removing himself from the situation he's never seeing me again because when we're around each other we want to be together and he thinks it's for the best. He says if I need somebody to talk to I can call him but he will not call me, nor will he be friends with me he doesn't need that. The more I opened up the more he was taking jabs at me. Exhausted at the end, I said my peace I put my defenses down completely and told him the things I felt before, thankful we met all those months ago because otherwise I'd still be in NY and wouldn't be living this happy life in SF. I felt it was ridiculous not to ever be friends eventually or see each other again.

Of all the last words he could have said to me, he chose to say twice "Get your sh-t together, I mean it."

 

I feel like he's an incredible jerk for saying that.

 

I'm confused at the events that happened, and whether he ever really had feelings for me with the intention of getting back together or just wanted to mess with me?

 

My faith in the possibility of happy endings is squashed. I tried to handle it maturely and communicated but in the end I still got kicked in the face. More than anything I'm dumbfounded by receiving an apology then to act like a jerk again? IDK. Perhaps we saw each other too soon or perhaps too late.

Edited by Bryant528
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Sounds to me like he has been pretty immature and that whatever feelings you both have for each other are still a bit raw.

 

I'd also suggest that since he asked you how you'd feel about him dating someone else...he probably is dating someone right now and that's why he can't make any kind of commitment to you.

 

Sounds like a bit of a roller coaster but until things settle down it's going to be tough to make any kind of sense of it all

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What part of that reads like a fairytale?

 

How long did you guys actually date before he moved?

 

Your story is confusing. So this guy is saying what...that he is not ready to date YOU but is able to date others? Why is it that you guys can't be together again? I don't understand the situation. He moved, you moved a few months later, he never wanted to talk to you when you got there, he talked to you in Nov only to tell you he can't talk to you?

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It is confusing! 3 mo. The beginning when we first dated seemed fairy tale, how we tried to make it work, then the move cross country. But I suppose I just watched too many Hollywood movies..

 

I asked why come into my life again just to say goodbye another time? He said he wanted to see me happy and we're in the same city. But when we see each other it's too much bc of all the feelings we would get back into it.

 

I asked him if he was dating other people and he said no but feels like he should be able to if he wanted.

 

We cant date because I wanted to take things slow and explained I couldn't fully commit to dating that moment. I have a feeling like he thought we'd date right away after seeing each other the first night, and when I couldn't kiss him back he took it as a rejection. Why contact me out of the blue, tell me he's changed, open up and kiss me...if his intentions were not there to try again? Ya know.

 

Thanks for your input!

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You got your answers from him, Bryant. You sound like you're in pain from disappointment, but you tried. Sometimes it's the kick in the butt to get on with moving forward that we need.

 

Things could have been handled better on his end too. He could've just said that he wanted to date other people while dating you, which isn't the ideal situation for you because you want something exclusive with him. If you know that you haven't said and done anything to warrant his "Get your sh-t together" remark towards you, he's miffed about something. That he decided that he can't be friends with you ever, out of what sounds like spite "...because when we're around each other we want to be together and he thinks it's for the best" and because he doesn't want to have to hide when he's dating around from you. He wants you around and he wants the option to get to know other girls too.

 

veggirl - I think the fairytale part is in the longer details that OP didn't share. The OP and her ex brought the best out of each other and with him moving away, the romance was put on hold, miscommunication happened, they ended it and she moved to where he's at, whether or not she'll be able to see him again. Sounds like this guy wants to have a dating relationship with her but not exclusively - he wants to date her and other girls at the same time to explore his options, which is normal. It sucks for OP when she wants to be the only girl.

 

I'm confused too, especially with what was shared about the dude, and just going by what she shared with us.

 

Bryant, thanks so much for sharing. I may be moving closer to where my ex is currently too, and he told me to let him know if I'm ever in his area. We're not in regular communication, but I will definitely think twice about reaching out to him. E-mail and other forms of distant reaching out is fine with me, but your situation is one possible outcome that awaits me (out of many possible outcomes, of course) and if I decide that this is most likely to happen, I won't bother contacting him at all when I'm in his city. He*l no, f*ck that sh-t. :laugh:

Edited by 0hpenelope
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Thanks for kind words 0hPenelope. I'm realizing that perhaps he's served his purpose, and in this way I have a complete closure to that chapter in my life. I don't want my experience to be a bad example to others bc I think if two people really want to make it work, and feel they should be together they'll find a way. I wish you the best of luck in your move :) and it works out for the best.

 

@moveON - hahaha, thanks for the offer!! NY is too cold.

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Thanks for kind words 0hPenelope. I'm realizing that perhaps he's served his purpose, and in this way I have a complete closure to that chapter in my life. I don't want my experience to be a bad example to others bc I think if two people really want to make it work, and feel they should be together they'll find a way. I wish you the best of luck in your move :) and it works out for the best.

 

Thanks, Bryant. :) We'll see if I'll have anything to report back on that since, I've said before, communication is very sporadic with us (as in, he doesn't initiate contact, which isn't unfamiliar to me as he's bad with e-mails even when we were together, and I only contact him when I feel like it, without planning it) and I am not sure if I will contact him once I'm there. As positive a person as I am, I am also pretty afraid and sensitive - no one likes to be rejected or to place themselves in the direct position of receiving a rejection, even though I eventually understood and accepted that breaking up was the best decision for both of us.

 

I'm really not sure what the deal with your ex is that he had to say what he wants in that manner, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that it hurt his feelings that you were unwilling to accommodate his desires and he took it out on you by saying hurtful things. Don't take his words personally; it's probably not you. I'm relieved that you didn't budge on what you really want, just so you can keep him in your life. That's no way to live. But you can't force yourself on him and from what you've shared, you haven't. Stay classy, don't be spiteful if he contacts you, and maintain your composure. Good things will come your way and enjoy the city that I consider one of my true homes! Ah, what I wouldn't give for an In-N-Out right now! :D

 

I've gathered much stories about reconciled couples both in real life and hearsay (a simple Google search will help with that endeavor too, if you're curious and you have lots of free time - though I'd say you're better off out and about in San Francisco, a city VERY dear and near to my heart :love:) and the commonality has been to move on, just being open to any possibility, and making no assumptions about what's around the corner. You are a courageous girl: you contacted him regardless, even though the outcome has been pain. But you've gained valuable insight on what kind of person he is right now and if his "journey" (whatever he called it) will change that, only time will tell. This is me being positive as I do believe that everyone can change: it's just too hard for real change and it's easier to settle in old ways, which is fine also. Not all relationships will work out, not all will come back, and not all will stay away forever. As sucky as this sounds, he may come around too - but it sounds like you will be long gone by then. Who really knows?

 

Good luck!

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You date a guy.

You both want to move to SF, CA.

He gets to move you could of made your move then but don't. Which does not make sense. You had nothing holding you back to keep you apart.

 

He is into you, calls you everyday.

You tell him back off.

He stops calling.

You get pissed because he backed off.

 

Then you move out SF but don't tell him till your there.

Why the need to move without a heads up?

 

You don't really want to be with him.

Though you can't help play power games that is why.

 

You dumped him.

Show up in SF.

Expect him to be waiting at not have a new GF.

But don't want to kiss him.

 

You need IC.

 

He has moved on and has a new GF so has has no need for IC or anything else.

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@road. What's an IC?

 

I didn't leave in March because I was in school. I left in July as I finished the semester, during this time I saved up money for a new city as I had no job lined up, no contacts, sold all my possessions, and tied up loose ends before leaving.

I didn't expect him to be single and to automatically be his gf, I just thought we could catch up, or he would show me the city - like you would anybody else you knew previously.

It wouldn't have been fair for him to wait for me until I could get here.. If I said I was moving months ahead that would have held him back. His purpose in moving was to learn about himself, this was important to him - so even if his happiness meant I wasn't part of it, eventually, I accepted that.

I did really want to be with him, but the him that I remember not the one that I saw that night or the one that lashed out at me.

Thanks for your input tho

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