Long-Term Relationship, Long-Distance, Relationship Pause, Still wanting her back...

[pat4k]

Hi, my name is Patrick and this is my story:

So my ex-girlfriend and me first met almost 6 years ago, considering me being 22 years old now. Back then we were both still in high school and good friends. It was about five years ago when we first started dating and we slowly became best friends during that process. She was my first love, as well as me being hers. One year later, I left to go and study at a university abroad, but we both agreed that we would want to try long-distance, and not give up on the thing we had. The relationship went well considering that, we were in for a 4 year run. We talked on Skype almost every day and made the days count, when we were able to see each other off the webcam (meaning trying new things and plus we always had great sex). We talked about everything, shared and supported each other. I remember that she was having a rough time during her gap year, when she was all depressed and did not know what to do, I stood by her during that time, giving her all the support I could and we managed to find a solution to the problem and she thanked me for standing by her side and supporting through that huge depression she had about her life and the future, considering her studies and past living arrangements. She ended up moving to a different city, still doing the same course, but not living at home anymore.

So I was in my final year of study (this year actually), the last semester abroad, when my ex first told me that she was at that party the other day and she really wanted to make out with this one guy, but had to remind herself that she had a boyfriend. When she told me that the next day, we ended up talking for hours and eventually she broke up with me and we sort of went on a relationship pause. So I was dumped, not because I was a bad boyfriend, but because of her wanting to be single and figuring herself out, outside of the relationship(freedom). She told me she still loves me and that there is a small chance of us being back together in the future, but I don’t wanna be “on the hook” and waiting for the day when, she would be back in my arms. She also told me that maybe she should’ve said that there would not be a chance of us being back together, because I would not be able to let go and move on.

We agreed to meet up in a few months and see how thing were then. I was trying no contact, and only replying when, it was her initiating the contact.

So we met for a few days, when she was visiting her parents back home (I was staying at my parents’ house too, because I was just moving back from university) and things were awesome, we were holding hands, etc. and it was just like when we first met. We had a lot of sex during those few days too. I brought her to the train station and kissed her goodbye, and she was asking me if we were back together now, I answered, that I wasn’t sure and we left it at that for the time being. But eventually she went back to where she was studying and about 2 weeks later (we’ve been talking more frequently over Skype by then, as well as talking about me coming to visit her soon) she told me that she wanted to end the relationship pause and break up completely.

Now we are still in contact, chatting from time to time ( about 1-2 times a week), and she will be back home in a month time or so, asking me if I want to meet up for a concert and a party the night before with a couple of old friends.

I don’t know what to do at that point (I do still want her back)

Is it wise to stay in contact, I mean if we have a shot in the future?

 

 

Thanks for any of your suggestions in advance

 

 

Patrick

[esstea]

It seems like a line of communication had been lost while you two were apart that you need to rebuild again.

 

I think it's really simple what you have to do. You just have to ask yourself if she's worth taking the risk on. There's a chance she could break up with you for reasons you won't understand. Is it going to be worth the try?

From your answer it seems like you would take this shot. Which I'm happy for. Love is a gamble in any given relationship, so why not take a chance on something especially if you've been together for quite some time. It's good she told you about the other guy while she was at a party, it means she could be honest around you to tell you that kind of stuff. Even I feel like saying something like that to my boyfriend would be kind of detrimental....

 

But IN SUM, yes. I would stay in contact IF you're willing to take a shot in the dark. You really also need to talk to her about how she feels with everything, that's where you're really going to find your answer. Good luck

[pat4k]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Got some news about the whole situation...

She seems to be on the rebound or she has a new boyfriend right now. We still chat from time to time, but I still felt like my heart cracked the moment I realized, that she could be having sex with this guy and stuff. Since I still feel so strongly about her, I don't think I could be around her in a few weeks time, when she invited me to a party and a concert.

 

I don't want to have these feelings for her anymore, but then again I don't want to cut her out of my life completely. This makes me sound so pathetic, which is the last thing I want to be. I feel like I'm back in the situation, when she mentioned to take a break the first time...

 

What do you think I should do now?

[Kyp]

You need to distance yourself from her as much as possible.

She is in an emotional limbo and she's dragging you into one with her.

Give her time and space, go NC, and after a long time has passed, see how she's doing then.

If she is doing fine without you and is moving on with her life, great. It sucks, but at least she's happy,and you can then start to move on with your life as well.

If after a long NC she wants to come back, make sure it is unequivocal. Don't let her hedge her bets again. I've played the limbo game before, and you lose them in the end every single time, and it hurts even worse than if you had just cut them loose to begin with.

[pat4k]

hey, thanks for the fast reply

yeah I think you are right... Right now I can't chat/talk to her without me feeling weird. I thought I was moving on with my life, not thinking about her all the time anymore, but then his thing about her having a boyfriend just shocked me and I felt like I was broken up all over again. I will give NC a shot.

[umirano]

My guess is, if you do not go NC, you will get hurt again. Do you want to get hurt? How much clearer can she let you know you're out than by taking another guy?

 

Would you want to form a life with her? Have kids with her?

[pat4k]

Hey guys I've got another update for you

 

So my ex and I met just a couple of days ago. She was back in the city to see her parents and her brother, who just flew in from the UK.

At first I wasn't sure if I really wanted to follow the invitation, since this could be weird and maybe re-awaken my feelings toward her.

However I had some stuff to take care of in the city center, so I thought I might just pop in for an hour, maybe two hours tops to catch up.

So I went to her house and we hugged, and just couldn't stop talking (we haven't really talked/chatted much in the last few months). My plan of staying only two hours, didn't really work out... in the end I stayed there over night and the next night too. During this time we did a lot of stuff we used to do when we were back together, e.g.

cuddling, kissing, sex etc. but we also talked a lot about what happened to us over the last weeks. Since she and I both have had sex with other people since we broke up,

it was actually less weird, when discussed that stuff (she was really curious about the girl I was seeing and even said things, like if we ever get back together you gotta tell me about her ).

She said she still loves me and she knows I love her, but right now she does not want a relationship, at least not

a serious one. She's got a casual thing going with another guy back where she's studying, while I have the same thing going on with a girl over here. I came to terms with the situation,

after some time of no contact and the breakup somehow did us both some good. We had been growing kind of dependent of each other, while we still loved one another, this was

not really a healthy relationship, considering this factor.

 

We're gonna meet up again in about two months and see how things are then.

 

Do you guys think I'm making the right decision staying in contact, I mean she's my best friend. Right now, I don't feel any jealousy, when I think about her and the other guy. We both still love each other and think that

there is a chance we will be back together, just not at the moment.

 

 

I'll keep you updated on any significant changes.

 

 

Patrick

[umirano]

Not sure I could do it with the girl I'm with right now... But your gut would tell you if it were really bad. See where it goes. If things go south, you can always go NC and start healing. It's not like break ups kill. They just feel really bad for some time.

 

Let us know how it goes.