Getting Back My Fiancee

[Jef Costello]

Hello all,

 

I posted on the breaking up forum but I thought this would be the more appropriate place since I want a second chance.

 

My fiancee and I hade been engaged for three months. Thnigs have happened pretty quickly. We started dating around this time last year and I proposed to her last March. Things were going perfect until the engagement.

 

Now please bear in mind that I am not living in U.S. and the engagement process in where I live is a pretty traditional one. The families get to know each other etc.

 

During the engagement period my hands on approach (taking care of everything, constantly asking and minding how she feels) suffered a little bit because of the things I have witnessed on her and her family's part. But because of my passive aggresive approach (which I regret now) i didn't share this with her and instead of trying to find the reasons for her behaviour together, I began to act exactly like her (very childish, i know) and distanced her from me as each day went by. One time she even said "I don't know why I am acting this way even though I love you." and instead of saying "I don't know either. Let's figure it out." I said "It's OK. No problem for me, I love you". During this perioud I also overlooked some my familiy's actions which could disturb my fiancee and her family.

 

I was a bit slow on the wedding preperations (because of my family's financial situation) as well and she and her family - I should add she is very comitted to them and gets easily influenced by them - got offended by that and because they clearly thought we should've sticked to the original plan.

 

Then one day while we were arguing about something that we would never argue about normally and she just said something like "I don't feel like we are a couple anymore, we are acting like we are in a war with each other, your family's taking it very slowly and I don't think they want us to be married either" and gave me the ring back.

 

At first I insisted that this was a very valuable relationship, we have waited to find each other for along time (we are 31) and we shouldn't waste this for these little things, but she was determined.

 

Then I thought I should act instead of trying to convince her. I booked a wedding date, signed the contract and called her. During this time a mutual friend told me that my fiancee was very worried about me and was wondering why I wasn't calling her anymore. She waas probably wondering how I was doing. After my preperations finished I called her. Surprisingly she refused to meet me in person reason being we were seperated and there was no point. The phone conversation lasted 45 mins. Me telling her that I booked somewhere and that I was really determined to make this work lasted about 5 mins. For the other 40 mins. I told her about my fears, my wishes, my goals in life and how they all included her. She began crying at some point and said "We would have to start all over. You know this, don't you?" which makes me believe she is still not sure about her decision to this day. Then she said she had to hang up and she would call me.

 

Three days later she calls and says she appreciates my effort and she believes my sincerety but she thinks she wouldn't be able to trust me after seeing me neglecting her feelings all that time and it wouldn't work out.

 

At this point I must point out that she likes to think of herself as an emotionally very disciplined person and I know for a fact that although she is very sad, she is proud of her decision and trying to convince herself that it's time to move on.

 

If I wasn't aware of her fears or if I thought there was even a slightest chance that I couldn't fulfil her needs I wouldn't be this sad. Sometimes I wish I couldn't understand her at all. Then it would be easier for me.

 

I am aware that I should give her space as any kind of effort on my part will push her even further but seeing her this determined hurts. She writes a blog which I checked out - I will never do this again - 10 days after our last contact and she has written things such as "life's great, we just have to be brave, our decisions make us who we are, etc." Most of my female friends say she's only trying to motivate herself as no one could get over a relationship this quick but still...

 

I would talk to her mother who loves me very much and very sorry about my situation but I wouldn't count on her being discreet about our talk. I fear that the minute my fiancee hears that I talked to her mother she would be even more determined to stay away from me.

 

From my point of view, secret to a successful marrige is mostly about taking steps towards each other caharacter-wise, to be able to tolerate your loved ones small habits. She was very strict about what kind of lifestyle we would lead. Everything had to be on her terms.

 

However all this personality of her surfaced after I proposed to her so instead of addressing the issue I just thought- or wished? - it was down to the pressure of getting married and leaving your familiy's house after all those years and it would all go back to normal once we got married as I saw examples like these in the past.

 

What I was wondering is: Is there anything more I can do? It's been 20 days since she refused me and I haven't tried to contact her. I would talk to her mother who loves me very much and very sorry about my situation but I wouldn't count on her being discreet about our talk. I fear that the minute my fiancee hears that I talked to her mother she would be even more determined to stay away from me and the blog entry didn't help me either.

 

Thanks in advance for reading this and sharing your thoughts. I am especially looking forward to reading ladies' thoughts on this. Because in these kinds of situations women are determined to stay away than men are.

[Jef Costello]

I know it's a long post but I could use some help here. By the way during the break-up talk she said "if we had an ordinary relationship we would be able to turn things around easily but since we are engaged she doesn't believe we wouldn't be happy if we got married then there's no point in carrying this on."

[Boynextdoor]

[quote=Jef Costello;

 

Because in these kinds of situations women are determined to stay away than men are.

 

I hear you bro. This theory rammed me head on! They do this because they are so clouded by their emotions in conjunction with the belief that they could find someone better than what you can offer. But basically they'll find none.

[hinatticus]

Don't talk to her family or friends. It will piss her off even more.

[Boynextdoor]

Don't talk to her family or friends. It will piss her off even more.

 

I must agree to this as well. Regardless of your intentions good or bad. If I knew these things earlier during my "break up" shouldnt have dont those things that are clouding my mind and emotions. (Needy,clingy,etc). This will validate her idea further that she did the right decision.

[Jef Costello]

So i am thinking about calling her and telling her that we don't have to get married and we can work on our relationship first. Would it sound too desperate given that it has only been four weeks since our last contact?