GoldfingerCymru Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Dudes and dudettes, Well I aplied the no contact rule for 6 weeks (been gone 3.5 months). I gave in about 3 weeks ago with a single page letter apologising and then up tempo stuff about getting on with my life, but would be better with her in it. I also just sent a Vday card. Anyway had no responses from either Don't know if this is a good sign or not?? When we split I e-mailed her about once a week and always got cold/hurtful responses - so left it there for a while. With my recent contact and no responses, I am wondering if this means :- 1 - Doesn't care, thus easy to ignore. 2 - Thinking about things. Personally, I like number 2, but realistically I am not sure. Yes, I know I probably should give up, but I do care a lot. The other trouble with today is that the six nations begin today and she is a massive rugby fan and I may not even figure in her thoughts while Wales are playing Scotland!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 So you personally like number 2, do you? Do you want to live in fantasy land the rest of your life? There comes a time in our lives when we have to embrace reality. When a lady sends you cold, hurtful replies to Email, she's NOT doing so because you're the love of her life. She's a rotten bxtch who doesn't like you and doesn't want you in her life. The sooner you understand that the sooner you will get on with your life. So tell me, what is it about a lady who doesn't want anything to do with you that attracts you so much...that makes you want to screw up months and years of your life waiting??? Yeah, you remember the good times but they are the past. The past is an illusion. It doesn't exist anymore. It's G-O-N-E. Start living with the reality of the present. Don't rob yourself of golden opportunities to be with ladies who really want you around and who will send you sweet, loving Emails. This girl doesn't deserve another thought from you. Stop wasting your time and soak in the messages she has tried so hard to send you. Move on. Embrace reality. You'll be a better man for it and you'll get over your pain a whole lot sooner. So the answer to your multiple choice question above is # 1, although you worded it far too nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 As pointed out so well by Tony, the answer to your question is behind Door No. 1 - Doesn't care, thus easy to ignore. The waiting game is over. Let go, move on, become bewitched by other women--ones who find you desirable. This chapter is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldfingerCymru Posted February 14, 2004 Author Share Posted February 14, 2004 Tony, I see your point (and obviously you were hurt badly yourself). While seeing my SO, I was going through a bad divorce and was not the friendliest of people when things got on top of me. So I understand that I was not there for her when she needed me and it was I who pushed her away from me. Thus, the hurtful replies was probably due to all these factors and leaving probably hurt her as much as it did me. She does deserve my thoughts as we were to be engaged and she is a very special person to me. Divorce aside, we had no other problems with each other. It was I who let my divorce get in the way, not her. She had never been married or had children, so I understand that it was difficult for her to relate to my problems. My problem now is that the divorce is finalised and all the external factors have been solved. I want to show her this, but cannot force/make her do this. Regards Alan Link to post Share on other sites
rich_1517 Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 hang in there, yeah i know.. we second guess how behaved and how we would have behaved differently if only.... the point is thats regret and trying to envsion a past that has come and gone. while its useful to learn what not to do next time, you cannot rewrite history. move on, heal up. you are correct we cannot make them love us and in trying to do so we only push them further away and make ourselves feel miserable. time will let this one heal, let no contact for her turn into your no contact for you and hang on if you need to, but willing to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldfingerCymru Posted February 14, 2004 Author Share Posted February 14, 2004 I'm really trying to let go and move on. It just seems the more I try, the more I think about her. It's nearly 4 months and I feel stupid about the fact that I still care for her as much now as I did then. I would really like to know how people do move on so quickly. On days I'm fine and feel like I am moving on , then on other days I just feel really down. Trouble is, even with all the advice there are no right and wrong answers. By the way, today is one of my down days and I miss her like mad!!! Link to post Share on other sites
rich_1517 Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 how do you do it? you have to act as if for a long as you can: get the hell out of the house work out go to coffee look up old freinds (do not talk about her, if they ask say you know im not ready to talk about it, but when i am ill tell you) go to the movies go on a date go for walks actively want to let go start behaving like you are single (talk to women, hang out around women, watch women) write the negative list (all the things that you didnt like) and its ok you arent betraying you feelings you are getting balance back, she isnt perfect shes human and there are other human females out there i know its tough i am in the same boat i love her and i feel i want another chance but i think in both our cases it aint gonna happen, so dont give all your power to her, take it back! im sure you are a great guy, become that guy again and you will be happier. we both will. keep me posted we'll get through this Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 nicely said Rich15_17 act AS IF AS IF you are over this, AS IF you are confident and will meet women, AS IF this NEVER happened. AS IF you don't need ANYONE, b/c you really don't, all you have is yourself.... Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Al, tell me about it, good & bad days. The truth is no-one knows the future. My s/o always said be positive & never say never, like, does this not count in this case. I've read the book, seems quite common sense, but you have to read it a couple of times to make it sink in, its the no contacting thing i haven't been doing, but she instigated the 1 a week but i had a bad week the other week & sent more than i should. Yeh, i think Tony's scared for life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldfingerCymru Posted February 16, 2004 Author Share Posted February 16, 2004 I know the AS IF's, but what about the WHAT IF's. I know that we as a couple never had any problems with each other - My problem was my ex-wife using my son as a pawn. Thus me wanting to be with my girlfriend and also trying to make up to my son when his Mum let him down (which she did a lot ). The ex-wife using my son as a pawn has now been sorted out by me - So I have made differences in my life. It is hard to move on when I would like to show my ex-gf the changes made. It's like a mindfield of problems with no right or wrong answers. Love is probably the single most powerful emotion a human can encounter - I wish I could just go out and grab another girl, but will not while I still love the ex. It wouldn't be fair to them or me. I have been out a lot and had chances, I just can't go through with seeing them as it would be a rebound and that is not right. I know that I will get over it, but for now I think she is worth a little more of my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Gold, Your story is like looking in a mirror. I was married for 14 years with 2 kids. She left and after 7 months i found the most beautiful woman (she was previously married with a daughter). At the time we met i was also going through the painful divorce / settlement process which consumed me and made into a person i was not. Anyway this affected my new relationship by not being there for my lady, not supporting her and at times taking her for granted. After 11 months of her being very loving it got 'too much to try anymore' and she ended our relationship. we also had no issues between ourselves but the affect of the external factors wore her down till she loved me no more. it was too hard for her. now i have also fixed the divorce and settlement and it has all gone away but i cannot show this to my ex lady. i have not contacted her for 6 weeks and she has not contacted me either. i am desperate to initiate some contact but cannot find a good enough reason that would not be seen as invasion of her space. my guess is that she has moved on also but i cannot seem to let her go, despite knowing i should. Our stories highlight the affect of external factors to relationships especially ex-wives and divorce. I feel and know your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
rich_1517 Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 well everyone seems to be telling their story heres mine, advice welcome 3 years, she left a month ago to be alone "deciding period" i do not call except first week to own i had been honery, selfish, uncommital and not accepting. i had allowed my business failure to overwhelm me, and it hurt the relationship. she called, and called, and pushed to help on something i said i had covered. well we hang out for five hours ending up at dinner. i had been having a good time but this was a little too unclear so i asked "whats up?" she said she is still deciding. then sends email next day saying "have to be freinds right now" and "i dont want to get your hopes up" it hurt enough that i said basically i cant be freinds yet, too emotionally entangled, dont call unless you want more. then i changed it to give me a week of no contact to find work, not wanting to kill all contact. so to the hour almost she calls today, she has a blocked number and she is the only one with blocked number who calls. i am afraid and excited both. my fear is that she realises shes done or is being unfair and wants it clearly ended for both our sakes. or she is still missing me and wants contact, or.. or... you get the idea, monkey mind. I am getting close to telling her its not a break, its a break up just so thats its clearer. IDEAS? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebird Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Originally posted by GoldfingerCymru I'm really trying to let go and move on. It just seems the more I try, the more I think about her. It's nearly 4 months and I feel stupid about the fact that I still care for her as much now as I did then. I would really like to know how people do move on so quickly. On days I'm fine and feel like I am moving on , then on other days I just feel really down. Trouble is, even with all the advice there are no right and wrong answers. By the way, today is one of my down days and I miss her like mad!!! You should attend a "Letting Go" seminar. You should also consider getting help for your depression. I know it is hard to let go of someone you love, but life is short. You need to move on. I attended a Rebuilding after divorce seminar and found that some of the people who needed the most help were never married, they just couldn't heal from a failed relationship. You are only giving yourself pain. No person is worth it. You have to start liking yourself better and realizing you deserve more. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 What Rich said is true about things you should do, it's very hard & your own mind & body will tell you with each day what you can & can't do. Not moving on just doing things for mental sanity, but everyone to their own. This in no way means you give up, only our own situation tells us if it's realistic or not, i get so down in a morning when i wake up. Some of us including me are emotional sensitive & things like this hurt to the core , others can just get up & move on. In my situation it was through an illness that we broke up, i'm just givin space & i know i'll get my day. Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Hey monkey....good to hear that you're Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Hey monkey (email cut for some reason!) good to hear that you're staying positive in the right sort of way. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Well you know, it's nothing to do with the fact i've lately had a little female interest, i mean it gives you a lift, but, if there's any way your going to get your ex back, it's by being attractive again & getting your head out of that obsession that i agree was there, but it don't work that way, i wish it did, but it don't. But then again, it's all about showing your ex, mine is in Texas & i'm in UK, but my weekly mail will be more + from now on. Can't do any bad. Link to post Share on other sites
rich_1517 Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Hey Monkey why dont you try sending no message for one week? and when she asked just say, i dont know i didnt have anything to say. just a thought, if she is controlling this by limiting your messages to her, take some control back and show you getting more grounded by not needing to connect with her. just a thought Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 What about just asking? I love you and miss, do you feel the same? If they do, great. If they don't, great, you are released. Otherwise, you are always wondering about those mixed signals. Does this work? Has anyone tried being forward and honest? I too, sometimes dwell in the land of fantasy, but it seems strangely odd to wonder if that other person is still "stuck" on you as you are them. What if they are? Does that mean it was really love? Perhaps even true love? It makes me wonder if two people lose the contact, but still wish for the opposite, that they shouldn't put their pride or ego or bitterness or resentments or baggage away and own their feelings. Unfortunately, as it seems, most people can't handle their feelings. Therein lies the greatest problem of mankind. And it sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
ldybg51 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color] thats good about just being honest: ...What about just asking? I love you and miss, do you feel the same? If they do, great. If they don't, great, you are released. Otherwise, you are always wondering about those mixed signals...l. Well, I guess if they do miss you and you get back together then that takes out alot of the mind games and waiting on the person you want back in your life so much. But How do you know when you should ask? Does anyone know how long it may take before they will (if theyre going to) start to miss you or realize they are missing you? Should you wait a week or month and then ask them? Its only been 3 days for me and we have had a little contact during this time. Link to post Share on other sites
abc Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Why are so many guys (in general) so adverse to being friends... for awhile... while you work out your feelings? Wouldn't it be better to have less pressure on yourself in order to make an important decisions??? Many women use the "friendship" word as a way of saying "let's take it slow and really think about this situation". But guys seem to have such a HUGE problem with this word. Nothing wrong with taking it slowly when you have important decisions to make about your life, heart, and emotions... not to mention the effect you will have on someone else if you rush it and make the wrong move. Just curious...? Link to post Share on other sites
shesaid Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Honesty... hmmmmmmm... I like that. Main reason we can't just spill it, is fear. Fear of rejection. But yeah, wouldn't it be nice to just lay the cards on the table and see who was bluffing...or not? I think there would be a lot more happiness in this love "game". Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 I think that the word/saying 'let's be friends' is one that doesn't imply relationship and it can hurt. It doesn't give a sense of hope...rather, inmost cases, a sense that the relationship is over and perhaps friendship can exist. Breaking up with someone is a major blow - the relationship is removed...becoming friends and nothaving that relationship can be the hardest thing in the world for one who is dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 "let's be friends" after a breakup actually means "stick around and make me feel better about what I'm doing to you" Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Could the "let's be friends" thing mean that they haven't totally ruled out anything, like an open end ? I'm finding not contacting her easier than i thought as time goes by. She has said 1 email a week, but mabe if i leave it a while longer, it could leave her wondering why i've not mailed & be curious, or she may be thinking "thank god he's off my case". Tricky decision, because it was always a content problem, not a no contact thing. Good thought Rich, i thought something along those lines too, but as i said, there's many ways she could take it & it could blow up in my face! Link to post Share on other sites
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