contemplating contact ..

[Dblock10]

my ex has been travelling for about a month and a half. in total will be gone for 6 months

 

so anyway, i basically havent been able to forget her or move on as much as i have tried (without deleting her from my life entirely i.e facebook)

 

basically i dont know what to do. do i tell her my feelings and see if she has any too... and then see what is said

 

or try and struggle to continue knowing i have these feelings for her but suppressing them to try and do all that is "best" on paper to get her back once she actually comes back...

 

at the same time, she doesnt know what she will be doing once back hence one of the reasons for breaking up with me

 

 

help me please this seems to be getting worse and i cannot let it go. i hate that we broke up because of the traveling and i feel like crap that she hasnt once initiated contact since breaking up.

 

as time has gone on and we have been apart i have fallen in love with her more so than when we were together

[intheEvent]

Hey Dblock,

 

I've read your story before and see that you are still having trouble. I'm sorry to see that you are in pain, but just get a grip at life alright. I know right now everything seems like a whirlwind of mess and you feel desperate and emotional and unstable, but you've got to pull yourself together man.

 

Don't call her. And I'm not saying that to mimic the people on these forums. I'm saying that with utmost respect to your situation. This is the only way man, cause she has the ball in her court. Whatever you try to do will be useless to get her back. The only thing you can do is to keep it together and remember that you have a life outside of your ex girlfriend.

 

I can promise you one thing. She will call you back. Do not hold fast to hope about a rekindling ... but I guarantee she will want a reconnection. And if you are looking for that second chance, and want to really give a new relationship a go ... then you have to let go for now, and play the reconnection (when it happens) into a rekindling. You have to show her that you are capable of letting her make her own decisions and trust her. You have to show that you trust yourself enough to not be some emotional drama monster.

 

All in all, your situation is about patience and grace. Do not make it harder than it is, please.

 

and FYI, i am going through something similar to you, and I feel all the same emotions ... I am only speaking to you how I want someone to speak to me. I am not saying that I do not feel the same things as you.

 

Best Regards.

[Rorschach64]

Going to copy and paste this from one of your posts that I replied to.

 

Let's see....if I can remember this correctly.....your ex totally blew off the fact that your nan was sick and passed correct? She didn't say jack nothing to you? Right?

 

If that is correct Dblock, what does that indicate to you? It would indicate she cares nothing about you or your family.

 

 

Further more, she hasn't said anything to you in a long while right? Hrmm...why do you suppose she would do that? Oh I know...SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! SHE IS TOTALLY HAPPY WITH THE SITUATION AND HER DECISION NOT TO WORK STUFF OUT WITH YOU!

 

Sorry to be harsh man but I am doing you a favor, I know someone had to do this to me to snap me outta my funk with simple logic. Think about it, would you do any of the things I listed above to someone you loved with all your heart? I know I wouldn't.

[intheEvent]

Going to copy and paste this from one of your posts that I replied to.

 

Let's see....if I can remember this correctly.....your ex totally blew off the fact that your nan was sick and passed correct? She didn't say jack nothing to you? Right?

 

If that is correct Dblock, what does that indicate to you? It would indicate she cares nothing about you or your family.

 

 

Further more, she hasn't said anything to you in a long while right? Hrmm...why do you suppose she would do that? Oh I know...SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! SHE IS TOTALLY HAPPY WITH THE SITUATION AND HER DECISION NOT TO WORK STUFF OUT WITH YOU!

 

Sorry to be harsh man but I am doing you a favor, I know someone had to do this to me to snap me outta my funk with simple logic. Think about it, would you do any of the things I listed above to someone you loved with all your heart? I know I wouldn't.

 

 

I agree with this logic, but not fully. Tough love is great but not in all situations.

 

Simply put, your ex is trying to show you that you have to move on man. She is trying to show you that she cannot be the same woman for you anymore. Not that she hates you or doesn't give a sh*t about your problems, but that she has her life that she needs to focus on, and she just can't have you in it right now. You have to accept that or lose your confidence and pride.

 

She will not come back to you crying, and she will not come back to you with sorry's. You will do all the missing, and all the crying, and that my good sir is just very unattractive. Take care of yourself buddy. She seems to be doing fine.

[Rorschach64]

My apologies, I didn't intend to make it seem like she hates him. I intended to create the logic of someone that cares and loves you with any part of their being vs. someone ....well the opposite of that, but not to the point of hatred.

 

But yes, she clearly has other things that are taking up her time than you. It sucks but it is a the bitter coldness that needs to sober you up to move on man.

[betterdeal]

basically i dont know what to do.

 

Have a look into eye patch therapy. http://nzhypnotherapy.co.nz/carolines-articles/eye-patching/

 

Whatever you decide to do, being able to calm your mind will make your life more enjoyable.

 

Whilst your ex is unavailable / on the other side of the world, why not have some fun? You can go and have a fling or hook-up or just even flirt and play with other women. You don't need to jump into a long term relationship with anyone straight away. And maybe a bit of female company is what you're looking for. There's plenty of women who would like a cuddle, to make love, share a coffee and say "thanks for the good times", so why not take advantage of the situation?

 

No point wasting your limited time on this planet being miserable, is there?

 

Now go outside and take a brisk walk. Enjoy the weather (even if it's raining!) and soak up the fresh air. Take some long deep breaths in and let them out real fast, with a loud "haaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh" sound. You're going to be fine.

[Dblock10]

intheevent, thanks for the reply man. puts things into perspective a bit better for me.

 

i can't call her, she didn't take a phone, only way to talk is through fb chat. i am glad you are not mimicking anyone and i appreciate your individual words. So all i can do is keep it together now and do what in terms of being in contact with her? don't bother anymore? or keep it light and maybe speak once a month or so? just to catch up? still be in each others lives?

 

so basically when you say she will want a re-connection, this has to come from her, and in the mean time no contact from me to her? or have i already ruined this reconnection by talking to her whilst she is on this travels? i was thinking tbh life is too short and maybe i should tell her i have been thinking about her and hoped she was doing ok. no omg i miss you so much etc, just let her know i still think about her

 

yeah i let her make her own decisions and she knew i trusted her, she knew id never let her down. but its been hard living with some regrets that i could have influenced her in a more positive way, but ultimately she must have wanted to do this alone and be totally free, otherwise she would have said so, i gave her the chance to say so. but she was set on doing it alone. plus even if we had said yeah lets stick as a couple who's to say it would have worked for that long anyway or who knows how it would have turned out.

[intheEvent]

intheevent, thanks for the reply man. puts things into perspective a bit better for me.

 

i can't call her, she didn't take a phone, only way to talk is through fb chat. i am glad you are not mimicking anyone and i appreciate your individual words. So all i can do is keep it together now and do what in terms of being in contact with her? don't bother anymore? or keep it light and maybe speak once a month or so? just to catch up? still be in each others lives?

 

so basically when you say she will want a re-connection, this has to come from her, and in the mean time no contact from me to her? or have i already ruined this reconnection by talking to her whilst she is on this travels? i was thinking tbh life is too short and maybe i should tell her i have been thinking about her and hoped she was doing ok. no omg i miss you so much etc, just let her know i still think about her

 

yeah i let her make her own decisions and she knew i trusted her, she knew id never let her down. but its been hard living with some regrets that i could have influenced her in a more positive way, but ultimately she must have wanted to do this alone and be totally free, otherwise she would have said so, i gave her the chance to say so. but she was set on doing it alone. plus even if we had said yeah lets stick as a couple who's to say it would have worked for that long anyway or who knows how it would have turned out.

 

 

You sound very confused, so my advice to you would be to stay away from any contact right now. It just won't be healthy. I understand that if you contact her, you just want to see how she is and if everything is okay. But what does that accomplish for you? Isn't your end goal to actually get a kiss from this girl? Will you be getting that while she is in her travels? No, of course not ... and chances are you will be getting nothing romantic from her ... or at least nothing with substance.

 

I'm not trying to tell you what to do to get her back. I'm trying to let you know that everything is going to be okay. Usually in these moments we don't think clearly and we over-dramatize everything. Don't think in finality. The world isn't black and white. Just because you messed up once or twice, doesn't mean that she will never ever talk to you again. You contacted her, that's all you did. It's human, so don't let her judgements override your actions. You are your own man. Start acting like you've got confidence in the movements you make.

 

Also, life is not too short. You're taking it for granted if you say this. Think of how much energy you are wasting just pining for this girl, and now think how this could go to something more productive. If you find a way to focus on something and work towards a goal, six months will go by like nothing, yet you would have at least accomplished something.

 

Anyway, just stay away from chatting with her. She knows all too well how you feel about her. So if you disappear, she will begin to think about what happened to that. And most likely she will contact you (maybe during her travels or maybe after), but you have to be patient, and again you have to be realistic. There is a good possibility that she will contact you for your companionship, but not a relationship. This happened to me recently, and I had to just go back to NC because she was giving me mixed signals.

 

Oh and I know how hard the waiting game is. My ex broke up with me after she moved about 1400 miles away. Her plan was to move back within a year, but some curveballs happened. She never could deal with the distance and by month 6 she began to sway towards staying in her current city, so she ended it with me ... even stating that I was not meant for her. After a month and a half of no contact, she chats me that she is now thinking about coming back home within 6 months. So I'm in the same square as you are buddy. Welcome to my world.

[jordjones]

Feelings/attraction is not a choice. Since she lost feelings for you, will not win her back by professing your love for her.

 

At the same time, I think it might be alright to contact her. But only if you feel that you can be calm, cool, collected. As soon as you put pressure on her or get all emotional, you may be done for good.

 

If you want her back, you will eventually have to get some one-on-one time. But you should approach this more as a first date than a rekindling expedition. Women are keen at picking up desperation. You will have to let her arrive at the impression that you are fine, with or without her.

[intheEvent]

Feelings/attraction is not a choice. Since she lost feelings for you, will not win her back by professing your love for her.

 

At the same time, I think it might be alright to contact her. But only if you feel that you can be calm, cool, collected. As soon as you put pressure on her or get all emotional, you may be done for good.

 

If you want her back, you will eventually have to get some one-on-one time. But you should approach this more as a first date than a rekindling expedition. Women are keen at picking up desperation. You will have to let her arrive at the impression that you are fine, with or without her.

 

thanks jordjones, this is key advice for dblock and myself. I'm almost at that cool collected point, so i may fall back into LC, but I think dblock should wait it out a bit more.

[Dblock10]

sorry i wrote that when i was on a downward spiral thinking about her and not knowing what to do. so yeah i am very confused, as i miss her, love her etc.

 

I have already been sucked into the waiting game now its clear to see... and so am trying my best to stay as sane as possible just knowing we aren't together and she could be meeting anyone and since she is single its not like she has to say no to anything, and that i don't or can't predict the future.

 

obviously i don't want to jeopardise anything from not happening in the not too distant future or happening etc through my actions i.e if i told her i still think about her or asked her if she still thinks about me. but then if i wait and then reach out down the line it sets me up for more disappointment doesn't it. really don't know what to do. very powerless.

 

my goal is just to have her back in my life, i want us to be together, i wish we still were.

 

i wouldn't say i messed up once or twice in terms of contacting her if thats what you refer to, and every occasion i have been cool calm and collected. I assume she must know how i feel about her :S but its an assumption rather than a known fact. no one knows if she will contact me or not during or after the travelling, and from here on out it feels like the only thing i can do is treat her as a friend whom is my ex.

 

and like you say "You have to show her that you are capable of letting her make her own decisions and trust her. You have to show that you trust yourself enough to not be some emotional drama monster".

 

but... does all that really matter? since she broke up with me, is it important to show her i trust her and that i can trust myself enough to do x y and z, at the end of the day we are broken up.

 

sounds like you are in the same boat, and you feel lc is best. however in my situation you say avoid the chatting you say "So if you disappear, she will begin to think about what happened to that. And most likely she will contact you (maybe during her travels or maybe after), but you have to be patient, and again you have to be realistic"

 

so basically a test? i guess its true that people want what they can't have and maybe if i disappear it might make her think, instead of me constantly being there etc. although its not like I've bombarded her with contact, literally twice since she has been gone.

 

its the 15th nov today and so if i can get till the 28th thats a full month of nothing from me.

 

did i mention she donated some money to the charity event I'm participating in...

 

i don't think ill personally thank her for it, although its a good opportunity to have some contact should i wish.

[flitzanu]

so anyway, i basically havent been able to forget her or move on as much as i have tried (without deleting her from my life entirely i.e facebook)

 

so what's the f'kng question??? dude, DELETE AND BLOCK HER AND QUIT STALKING HER ON FACEBOOK. we've told you this a hundred times and you won't do it.

 

which means you're never going to move on because you won't LET HER GO.

[ijdk]

The only thing I can see working for you to get her back is to move on. Women are attracted to men that can take care of themselves and are strong. Work on yourself. Start working out or something. Improve yourself. Have fun again. Be a happy guy that people want to be around. Keep her as a FB friend so she can check in on you once in a while. She will look at your pics, read some of your posts and see who your friends are. Just start working on yourself and she will either show interest or not. There really isn't much else to do.

[Dblock10]

i dont fb stalk her. and i don't want to delete her from my life just to be able to get over her. i feel i am slowly getting there, i will miss her wether i delete her from fb or not..

 

ok so if only way is by moving on, does the rule not apply that if i stop talking to her she will fully move on to? or is it a case of she if she misses me will miss me, she won't forget if i meant something, so just let it be and see what may happen once she is back, or in the future etc?

[fallenheart]

You don't want to be forgotten. None of us do. But you have ZERO control over that. It's her life, it's her choice. There is NOTHING you can do man!!

 

You could start a facebook page dedicated to your undying love for her, and it isn't gonna change a damn thing. Unfortunately, it sounds like she moved on a long long time ago. Your grasping at straws that aren't even there!

 

You can't give someone a second chance if she doesn't want it. The evidence you've given to us paints a very different picture of the relationship than the one you want to believe in. You only dated seven months. Not that long in college terms. And she ended things with you...what...5 or 6 months ago now? And she's been on this trip well over a month now. She moved on so long ago and you're still clinging to this memory of what you think you had.

 

You even said yourself....it's getting worse and you're thinking about her MORE. That's obsessive compulsive thinking man. I'm starting to think you simply can't control the obsessive thoughts. You KNOW if you delete her and end ALL contact you'll start to heal and move on eventually. But you refuse to do it. Cause you are in love with feeling like $#!t.

 

You might be suffering from some form of depression or OCD. It's not a bad idea to see a doctor or counselor and give medication a try. It doesn't all work, but I was taking something several years ago that really knocked the obsessive repetitive thoughts outta my head and I loved finally being free of it.

 

I've been following your posts for over a month now and it seems to me you are indeed getting worse. You have all the evidence you need to logically and rationally understand that this girl is over you, but you refuse to accept it.

 

She ALREADY deleted you from her life. She's never coming back. It's time to do the same. Are you just going to keep posting here forever repeating the same stuff like a broken record? Your choice of course....but it's not healing or moving on.

 

Delete her already.

[flitzanu]

i dont fb stalk her. and i don't want to delete her from my life just to be able to get over her. i feel i am slowly getting there, i will miss her wether i delete her from fb or not..

 

ok so if only way is by moving on, does the rule not apply that if i stop talking to her she will fully move on to? or is it a case of she if she misses me will miss me, she won't forget if i meant something, so just let it be and see what may happen once she is back, or in the future etc?

 

 

she's already deleted you from her life.

 

she's already fully moved on.

 

being logged into a social networking site has no bearing on reality. you're not friends with her, she isn't into you, and she's done with that part of her life.

 

nothing you do on FACEBOOK is going to change any of that. ever.

 

trust me. we've been in your shoes, and we are telling you what you need to do to help YOU.

[Dblock10]

She deleted me from her life already and she is never coming back. Delete her from my life because what I thought I had never existed.

 

Wow. Hard.

 

Seems like I'll always regret my words prior to breaking up then.

 

Still can't accept she isn't coming back. Probably is OCD. Not sure how tablets would remove that though

Edited November 17, 2011 by Dblock10

[flitzanu]

She deleted me from her life already and she is never coming back. Delete her from my life because what I thought I had never existed.

 

Wow. Hard.

 

Seems like I'll always regret my words prior to breaking up then.

 

Still can't accept she isn't coming back. Probably is OCD. Not sure how tablets would remove that though

 

no, i never said what you had never existed.

 

what you HAD, does NOT EXIST NOW. it existed then.

 

look man, we are probably very much alike with this feeling. i pined for months over my ex. i dreamt of her literally every single night for 3 months straight. i kept thinking the exact same nonsense you are right now that it has to mean something and she will come around.

 

you know what? maybe she will.

 

chances are not in favor of that happening though. it should be very clear that she's not making an attempt to talk to you in ANY fashion, therefore you need to kick her ass off of the pedestal you've placed her upon and find a new obsession.

[Dblock10]

no, i never said what you had never existed.

 

what you HAD, does NOT EXIST NOW. it existed then.

 

look man, we are probably very much alike with this feeling. i pined for months over my ex. i dreamt of her literally every single night for 3 months straight. i kept thinking the exact same nonsense you are right now that it has to mean something and she will come around.

 

you know what? maybe she will.

 

chances are not in favor of that happening though. it should be very clear that she's not making an attempt to talk to you in ANY fashion, therefore you need to kick her ass off of the pedestal you've placed her upon and find a new obsession.

 

Yeah bud I understand, I have the odd dream here or there but no dreams of missing her, more that sometimes she is just in the dream. Worst thing is having nestalgia when I walk around uni.

 

I guess the fact that she didn't keep in touch is what bothered me the most. Could just be her way of dealing with it and moving on. Either way in sad she hasn't spoke to me on one occasion from her free will.

 

Yeah taking her off the pedestal as you say is going to take some doing. Just something about her and this situation that stops me wanting to fully move on even though it's pretty much the only option.

[Dblock10]

Yeah bud I understand, I have the odd dream here or there but no dreams of missing her, more that sometimes she is just in the dream. Worst thing is having nestalgia when I walk around uni.

 

I guess the fact that she didn't keep in touch is what bothered me the most. Could just be her way of dealing with it and moving on. Either way in sad she hasn't spoke to me on one occasion from her free will.

 

Yeah taking her off the pedestal as you say is going to take some doing. Just something about her and this situation that stops me wanting to fully move on even though it's pretty much the only option.

 

I guess the question as to wondering why she hasn't attempted to make contact in any fashion is what hurts me now

[Sugarkane]

I agree with Betterdeal. I would flirt and have fun with others instead. I can guarantee that she is.

[flitzanu]

I guess the question as to wondering why she hasn't attempted to make contact in any fashion is what hurts me now

 

because that part of her life is over. she has no obligation or reason to speak to you now.