Jump to content

Surprise, surprise.. 2 months later, ex comes back.


Recommended Posts

So I've been reading up behavior after a breakup, and agree with no contact for a variety of reasons - healing, clarity, rejuvenation... time to see the situation as it is.

 

I was with my boyfriend for a year - we are both in our late 20s. Fantastic relationship - we'd stay up late watching flicks, talking about world issues, cooking together, and so on. We have very similar family dynamics, which was an instant bond along with our own personal beliefs in regards to politics, community interaction, and so on. It was very laid back, but with a serious tone - we were making plans for the future, but also quite independent while still being best friends.

 

We very rarely fought (though would get into debates, but not in regards to our relationship)... but there was one night early on where things got heated. He had been in two prior relationships where both girls had left him when he was physically gone. He had made a comment about how he cared about me a lot but that he couldn't handle that kind of stress - which at the time I really didn't understand.

 

Fast forward to the few weeks before our breakup. We are both at very different points in our career - I have been working for several years and he just finished grad school and is figuring it all out. I knew that he was incredibly stressed out (and frequently is; he pushes himself too hard with work) and I knew he was also stressed/worried about how it would impact our relationship so I was trying to be understanding, though he wasn't directly communicating that to me. Later that week he just snapped and we broke up. He snapped when he found out I had left a party to meet up with him but he was still at work; it wasn't a big deal to me at all, but he freaked that he couldn't be there for me and it wasn't fair to me. It was an emotional, rash decision. Started crying that he couldn't hurt me (though I hadn't complained at all.. I have a busy job too) and we ended up talking a lot about how good our relationship was. He wavered a lot in it - when I spoke to him about how stress happens, he started crying that it had to be a breakup because he didn't think he could ever get over having brought it up to me when we talked about just taking space while we were stressed out. Two weeks prior to that, we had a discussion about relocating together for (mostly his) financial reasons but then things changed in my job and I wasn't able to leave our city for a year.

 

I was shocked. My friends were shocked. I think he was pretty shocked too. We both cried a lot about it and talked about how good our relationship was and how we both had not experienced something like that before. At the end, I did get upset and yell... told him that I wouldn't get back together with him as a hope that maybe he'd snap out of what was going on.

 

I didn't speak to him for a couple of days, and then sent him a short email saying that I should have left that way, that I still cared for him deeply regardless of circumstance, and that I hope we can hang out later when things are calmer. He sent back pretty much the same email, asking to meet up when we aren't worked up.

 

So then a few weeks later (and extremely limited contact), I find out that he had filtered me from his facebook (from a friend of his that I know casually, but he wasn't aware that I knew her)... because he had a new girlfriend that he met the week afterwards. I know for a fact that she wasn't someone he knew before, so an emotional/physical thing isn't an underlying reason. I, of course, told him when I found this out. I feel all's fair game after a breakup in terms of technicalities - rebounds, dating, whatever... though I do personally feel that regardless of who initiates or the quality of a relationship, that one must take time to themselves. While I was very hurt, I wasn't directly angry at him... just that he had purposely hid it. His reason? "It didn't feel right to hurt you more..." Oh and by the way - the new girlfriend has no idea that he had broken up with me literally days before. It's pretty sad to think that when he got that fb relationship request that the first thing he did was make sure I couldn't see it.

 

I went no contact after that because I needed time.. and likewise. I visited friends, went out, started dating casually, spent more time hiking and practicing yoga and so on. Of course right when I'm at a place where I didn't feel like I'd scream if I ran into him... that's when he popped up.

 

Two months after our breakup and one month after no-contact. Not a "hey, how are you", but he launched full into this story that supposedly I'd "love" via text. Very eager and trying to get on my good side. I was friendly but kept it short. Same thing the next day. Told him I would call him later.. and ended up contacting him a week later. We ended up texting for about two hours during the work day - very fast responses from him, something he never did at work when we were dating. There was a little talk about still having strong feelings and how many fond memories we have. We talked about getting together soon to catch up more in person.

 

I've been the dumper before. I jumped into a rebound relationship pretty much immediately afterwards and stayed in it for awhile with hopes that it could be as good as the one I had left. I was the dumper that eventually went back... it was so hard to approach the person because I knew I had hurt them. Which is why I did let my guards down a bit and wanted to listen openly to whatever it was that was causing him to get in touch, because I do love him in a very organic sense and it was such a strong relationship.

 

Anyways, I found out - he is still with that girl. I have no idea how it is going (if it's rocky, whatever)... or what's going on with him in terms of how it ended. The little that I do know of her shocks me that he would even date someone like her, let alone get alone with her. I don't know what to think at all or his motivation to be so eager to get in touch with me. Though I recognize it is quite common, it disgusts me to think that he could be "feeling me out" while still dating her. It feels like such a game.. and all of my friends have reacted with, "It's all so shocking that this happened... and now it's some game, which is so weird to hear about because that was never you guys".

 

So summary? Boyfriend snaps... jumps into another relationship that is hidden from me... and then starts contacting me again while he's still dating her?

 

I don't plan to contact him on my own, but know he will be back in touch soon. I know how I am going to handle it, but am really struggling with why he's doing this now? Please advise.

Edited by lvm
Link to post
Share on other sites

Im sorry you had to learn about this but Im pretty sure that he ended your relationship because he was interested in her in the first place. If you read all the posts here on the board, its the same behavior from both men and women.

 

Right now hes not trying to feel you out. He's trying to get rid of the guilt from the breakup. Thats why hes being friendly with you even more friendly then while you 2 were together. He probably feels like crap for what he did. Not the breakup itself but the reason for the breakup.

 

My best advice is to go NC and move forward from the relationship. NC also means blocking him on facebook and not running into him anymore. No more texts no more phone calls. Don't be his doormat or safety net.

 

I'm 2 months out from my last breakup and I will let you know it gets easier. Even knowing that your ex broke up with you for someone else makes it that much easier to let them go. It will make you extremely angry at times but keep doing what you are doing to move forward =)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Im sorry you had to learn about this but Im pretty sure that he ended your relationship because he was interested in her in the first place. If you read all the posts here on the board, its the same behavior from both men and women.)

 

Thanks! I can't say how much I wish I could cling to that. It has been easier, but I think if that was the case - yes, I'd be furious... but it would make it easier for me (that actually did happen to me in the past in a 3 year relationship and I moved on so freakin' quick).

 

However, the girl is an old friend of one of our mutual friends who just moved back to town. Complicated I know, but not someone he met before :/ The girl was invited to a get together to reconnect with the said mutual friend, which occurred a few days after our breakup.

 

When I did find out, that was my first thought. I told him that I wish he had just told me the truth (another girl) and that I thought he had more respect for me than that (as in, not telling me if that was the real reason). His response, "I know how bad it looks, but please don't think that", etc, etc. I simply told him I didn't know what to think and went NC.

 

Though we live really close to each other, I've done a good job of being able to avoid him. I haven't blocked him on anything, because I think that is a bit immature... but have hid him from my sight and newsfeeds.

 

I have no desire to "ease his guilt", hence being as neutral as I can so he can't have any reason to put guilt on me such as "oh my god, I can't believe she blocked me or told me off". When he contacts me again, I simply am going to tell him that I do wish we could be friends, but it doesn't feel right for us to talk while he is dating that girl given how things ended with us.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey I do agree with wilson on a lot of things but it really does seem like the stress got to him and he made some decisions that he normally wouldn't have. I don't know how much you loved him but if he is the love of your life then what could it hurt to give it a second chance i mean big deal if you end up hurt a little more then so be it but you don't wanna lose a potential lifelong partner over a stressful few months. I wish someone would tell my ex to give me a second chance. From what I gather everyone tells her to just move on it will get easier but ya ever talk to older women they all seem to have that same story that one guy that they will never forget and no one will ever measure up to. Good luck!

 

Ps. I have been seeing another girl since my ex broke up with me but I will tell ya my ex still has my heart even tho this new girl is prettier smarter more successful. My ex was the love of my life! So if he had deep feelings for you the new girl means nothing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Though we live really close to each other, I've done a good job of being able to avoid him. I haven't blocked him on anything, because I think that is a bit immature... but have hid him from my sight and newsfeeds.

 

I have no desire to "ease his guilt", hence being as neutral as I can so he can't have any reason to put guilt on me such as "oh my god, I can't believe she blocked me or told me off". When he contacts me again, I simply am going to tell him that I do wish we could be friends, but it doesn't feel right for us to talk while he is dating that girl given how things ended with us.

 

How is blocking on facebook immature. Im 29 years old, the night my ex that was living with me broke up with me, I walked into my room and blocked her instantly. Its not about what your ex thinks. Its about you moving forward. The reason you dont want to block him is you want him to look at your page and start to miss you and reminisce on all the old times you had together. Not only that but not blocking him allows you to see whats going on in his life. Dont lie and say, I haven't looked at his page either because then you are lying to yourself. The more your ex has access to you, the less he will actually ever miss you.

 

You can choose to be friends with him but why? Really why? Its because you have this deep down desire that he will come back to you. If you were to be a true friend of his, you would stay his friend while hes dating this girl. True friendship is unconditional. Why not go out and make new friends? Maybe you will meet someone thats better then your ex was!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd agree with wilsonx. I blocked my ex on FB/Skype/GoogleTalk, not because I don't want to hear from her (I'd like to contact her every single day), but because I don't want to find out new info about her that would hurt me and set me back.

 

I didn't erased her right after the BU. I tried to rekindle the relationship with her 2 months later, but apparently she lost her romantic feelings for me earlier this year so I failed. I couldn't stop myself from checking up on her and also the guy she likes on FB, so I took the leap and erased her. I'm just trying to protect myself and I don't think it's immature. I can't be friends with my ex because I'll always expect more. I've tried and I saw where it got me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
How is blocking on facebook immature. Im 29 years old, the night my ex that was living with me broke up with me, I walked into my room and blocked her instantly. Its not about what your ex thinks. Its about you moving forward.

 

I agree with that it is about you moving forward... and additionally with what Arlia said with blocking to avoid finding out new information that could set one back. If that's the reason, more power! Hence, why I have him hidden so it's not in my face every time I turn on my computer.

 

However, I personally chose not to block/delete because of the above mentioned reasons and also because the people I know always end up re-adding the people... and only did it in the first place to get a reaction from the dumper/dumpee. Do I think that's the case for everyone who makes the decision to do so? No. I most certainly don't think it is for the two of you based on the manner of how you expressed why you did it.

 

As for friendship, I am not choosing to be friends right now with him because of how he has treated me. "Friends" on Facebook? Meh, whatever. I do believe that exes can start a new friendship... after a significant amount of time has passed. I've had exes that I've known that I could never be friends with again because of their character. This is one where someday.. we could be. Just not now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...