Jump to content

I am my own worst enemy


i made a mess

Recommended Posts

i made a mess

No really. I think I am. It's been a bit since I posted but as per usual, I let my lack of patience and control freak self get in my way again.

 

You can read my original posts here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255379/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256577/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272850/

 

So the first month of him being back in my life was going smoothly. He called a few times a week and then we finally had our first time seeing eachother in so long and being alone. He ended up staying over, we did sleep together and that right there I believe was mistake #1. I should not have done that. Then with in the next week or 2, he ends up quitting his job, moving back in with his old roomate and just starts flaking out on plans, not returning texts or phone calls, just complete 180. So i give him his space, there for him if he needs me, etc. We tried to make actual plans a few times but the first time he needed a raincheck because he was helping his mom. The 2nd time I just didn't hear from him at all the day we were supposed to see one another and the 3rd time, this weekend he texts me three hours before we are supposed to go out to tell me he can't make it because he went to the beach.

 

During this time, we haven't spoken anything about the 5 month hiatus, or why he came back. I just figured, fresh start, the past is the past. Well the flakiness and basically general lack of respect finally caused me to flip my lid. #1, if you're going to cancel plans....call, a text is so impersonal and kind of rude. So, I went on a little rampage that I strongly suspect was caused in part by my female anatomy. I started out with the issue at hand. Why make plans in the first place, if you're just going to blow them off so non-chalantly. Rude much? Then I moved into the next topic. "You disappear for months with no explanation, come back 2 months ago with no explanation other than to acknowledge that you received my letter and sleep with me, you've been rude and flakey. just tell me what gives". Now, if life were a movie...I'd freeze frame that very moment and insert a small clip of a giant bomb going off. So my little text assualt set the wheels in motion. I backed him into a corner. Well there was mistake #2. He apologized for making me feel bad, that he was sorry and he would just leave me alone. So I tell him it's not what I want, I'm just trying to understand him since he won't just talk to me. So he uses my card that I used on him in the first couple of months when we dated back in 09. "I've just got a lot going on in my life right now. Maybe we should just be friends?". Oh boy, there it is. So I didnt want to get too emotional. I replied "if that's what you want. It's not what i want, so although you are posing it as a question, I don't think it's something I'm getting a say in". He asks me not to be mad, he's so sorry, etc. This little exchance goes on sporadically over the next few hours. Finally I had to cut him off to assuage the situation. I'm in a theme park with my friend, getting all emotional. I don't cry in front of anyone, let alone people I don't know or in public. I just said, "It's done. I can't talk about it anymore right now. It hurts too much. You want to be friends. That's what you're getting". (I had a couple drinks at this point). So he then asks "what are you doing tonight?" really?! So my girl friend and I were going to a bar near the park we'd been at. I told him and he asked where his invite was...are you kidding me right now? He said , well we are friend and so I thought we could sit and talk like a nice family over drinks. He ends up showing up and I thought my friend was going to flip her lid. The first thing out of his mouth was "Alright, so let me have it". I don't do confrontation or talk about private things such as a relationship just openly in public and certainly not in a bar. So I ask them to please not get into it, just leave it be, it's something for he and I to discuss privately. I start knocking back drinks, shots? Yes please. And just end up getting stupid drunk. I start crying because I just don't know how he thought that coming there was a great idea. But during my frequent trips to the restroom, my friend starts talking to my ex, just trying to mediate and make sense of anything. They talk, he holds me and kisses my head everytime I start crying, and I just keep drinking because at this point it was all I could do to keep from just running out of there. I guess during all of this at one point I told him I loved him as I was getting up to use the ladies room and was crying (go figure) and he asked my friend if I really did love him that much. I just don't show emotion like that and I think he was really taken back that I'm not as strong and tough as I try to sell my self as.

 

Well, given my intoxicated state, he won't let me drive all the way home. He has me follow him and I can sleep on the couch. Well we get there and he walks me to lay down on the bed. Uh, hit the brakes, we're just friends? I sleep on the couch. So I walk out to the living room and he gives me attitude about sleeping on the couch. So to avoid drama, I just go lay down with him and pass out within a matter of minutes. The next morning he had to work early, so he woke me up and told me he was leaving and what not so I got up, put my shoes on, grabbed my purse and walked right past him, out the door without saying anything. There was a good chance I was still drunk, but more over, I was embarassed at my drunkness from the night before, crying in front of him, and just the general situation. Well, not even 5 minutes later I get a call getting chewed out for not saying goodbye, or even a thank you for making sure I was safe. I apologized but then asked him to also try to put himself in my shoes for a second. I also asked that he and I sit down, in private and just talk, soberly.

 

So this is what I know:

- He disappeared 5 months ago because he felt it was all he could do to try to get over me. He was so hurt by everything that he was just trying to protect himself.

- He was in love with me when we dated the first time but when I started only calling him late after being out with my friend, he felt like he was just a booty call and while other guys may want that, he doesn't want to just have sex with someone. it means something to him and he wanted so much more with me.

- After 5 months of NC, he realized that he still had feelings for me so he called but he's still feeling hurt and so he just doesn't know what he's doing but he doesn't want to hurt me.

- I shouldn't drink when I'm emotional

- I shouldn't have slept with him so quickly and/or expected things to just be picked up right where we left off

- I need more patience and to understand how hurt he probably still is, he probably doesn't trust me at all still, and I need to work on being his friend first and not just assume that everything was kosher beef and there wasn't things in the past that we needed to deal with and heal up first.

- We need to communicate. The lack of communication between the 2 of us is what is causing a lot of this heart ache and I don't think that anything so bad has happened that we can't grow together from it and get what I think we both want.

 

So this is where I need you fellow LS-er's to give me your input. I just feel like there's a lot of mixed messages going on and I am treading very lightly. I cannot afford to make anymore mistakes and I really need some good, solid advice. Please and thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
00sports00

Honestly, to me It seems as though he doesn't even know what he wants. And, he is spinning you around while he tries to decide. You on the other hand have a grasp on what you want but he is making irrational decisions on one day doing something and then turning a complete 180 the next day. All in all, he does know who you are and obviously is trying to take care of you because he does have feelings for you, but at the same time, he clearly doesn't have his head on straight at the current moment and it is driving you to drink (pun intended). You need to relax, and not think that this is all your fault.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
i made a mess
Honestly, to me It seems as though he doesn't even know what he wants. And, he is spinning you around while he tries to decide. You on the other hand have a grasp on what you want but he is making irrational decisions on one day doing something and then turning a complete 180 the next day. All in all, he does know who you are and obviously is trying to take care of you because he does have feelings for you, but at the same time, he clearly doesn't have his head on straight at the current moment and it is driving you to drink (pun intended). You need to relax, and not think that this is all your fault.

 

I am trying. Truly, trying to relax and just let the cards fall where they may. I know it's not all my fault, that he and I have both played a role in getting things where they are at now, it is just so mind boggling. I'm younger than he is (I'm 28, he's 32) and went through my party girl phase a little later in life than some, unfortunately it was while he and I dated the first time, but I've been seeing a therapist for 6 months now and for the first time I really feel like I have my head on straight, know myself, and what I want/deserve. I care about him, but I care about myself more. I have definitely never felt for anyone, what I feel for him. And part of me feels like the tables have turned and I'm now feeling how I made him feel. It's just really interesting and intriguing to see the way individuals change, relationships change, and the outcome of all of these dynamics. He's not someone I want to disappear from my life again. I am willing to just be friends even if it never develops into more. He's truly a beautiful human being that inspires me to be better, we've been through so much. But I certainly don't want to give up on this right now if there is an possibility of overcoming this bump in the road. I guess that's why I am here asking. :)

Edited by i made a mess
Link to post
Share on other sites
00sports00

Well, right off the bat, you seeing a therapist is great news. That means you are trying to find YOURSELF again, and helping yourself become the person you always were. You also have these feelings because what you two have been together, and all those memories and how you were treated will definitely be in your mind for quite sometime, but that is where the therapist comes in and tries to diminish yourself from feeling overwhelmed and they will try and get you back to a state of happiness, constantly .. HE is 32, usually around 32 you want to start your life with somebody, or are willing to try and start your life with somebody; opening up your heart more ... He still is making decisions that show he is confused, although with what you two have been through he can't just throw away what he feels for you, hence the looking out for you when you were drunk and coming to see you .. What you need to do right now is focus on YOU, and do not let HIM run YOUR life right now ... Once he knows what he wants (and if it is you) he will do anything and everything to try and get you back, and to show you that he truly wants to start a life with you, but for right now, you need to seriously focus on you, keep your self on your own pedestal, and not him over yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
i made a mess

Greenpolicy? Anyone else? I'd really like some additional feedback

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...