Jump to content

Over 4 years, ruined, by me.


Recommended Posts

Ultrasonic

So there's no "fourth chances" section, so I'll stick to second chances. :o

 

 

Alright, so I'll start from the beginning, and I'm sure I'll catch a lot of flack over this from older more experienced people in life, but so be it. I'll also advise that this is/was both of our first LTRs. This also may be a long confusing story. (If you don't want all the information skip to the last paragraph) Also, NC is already in affect, I almost never contact her first; I don't really need any of those generic "get your ex back" tips.

 

I met this girl, five years ago while working at Mcdonald's. She was a new hire and I'd have to say I'm was almost immediately interested in her. Unfortunately, I had issues with telling her how I felt about her after I actually became romantically interested in her and had to sit around while she had another boyfriend and basically be her besty. Skip a few months, and she makes a move on me after he current boyfriend moves out of the city.

 

To save space, I'll sum up that the first two years, were awesome, we were happy, playful; trusting. You couldn't get any better of a relationship. Then we move in together; and things are still pretty good, but I believe this about when they started going down hill. (RATHER, I started going down hill).

 

Before moving in together, I quit working at Mcdonald's and "upgraded' to a crummy call center. This is only important because it idiotically put a "Hey I'm better than Mcdonald's" chip on my shoulder.

 

Now, at some point between the second and third year, things go TOTALLY to hell; and not even in the sense of fighting, or her cheating or anything like that. I went from being a nice boyfriend, to an ******* with a stick up my ass and stuck my nose up at all of her friends, and even her. At this point I started becoming SUPER insecure, though at the time I didn't realize that it was insecurity. I also became controlling; brooding, moody, angry, and all other sorts of evil words. I think the main cause of it was my work; and unfortunately I always took it out on her.

 

Before anyone thinks I'm exaggerating about how much this is my fault. I can tell you that I insulted her on a daily basis; whether by answering her questions with "Are you an idiot?" or calling her a b!tch, even telling her that she's just becoming fat and going no where in life. (Essentially telling her that's she dragging me down.)

 

That's not to say she sat there and took it; within our first year living together, she told me I had until the lease was up to fix myself and become better for her. Being an ass, I tried to justify my words and actions, and only temporarily corrected them for that time. Then; I went back to being a complete jackass. She issued the same ultimatum again. And the same thing came to pass.

 

Let's skip forward to this past April 1st. It's my dad's birthday and I'm all for hanging out with family on their Bday. Why I found it important that she spend her day with MY dad is now beyond me, but it was important to me. She humored me and spent an hour or two with my dad. Afterwards though she went over to her friends house to hang out. (New best friend from work; they were really tight) Now to me, this was an insult; basically ditching me and my dad on his bday. Which made me react idiotically again. She was at her friends house still at around 12am. I called her and essentially DEMANDED that she come home immediately. This went on for atleast three hours. I became more threatening with each call back and forth. (No I never physically threatened her, or threatened to hurt her physically, and I don't wish to disclose what I mean by threatened...I'm too ashamed of it).

 

So essentially she comes home, tired of my crap and drops the hammer, in possibly the nicest way possible. Telling me it's time that we were only friends, and that she was going to move out.(Our lease was up) I make a childish attempt to reconcile, but it's clearly far beyond that point. It's over at this point.

 

 

Now, if I haven't given you kind folks even reason to give me flack. (Which by all means, I deserve it.) This is where you really might!

 

So, yes she dumped me, and for the next few days my head is simply spinning inside. So I make a rash snap decision. "Fine screw this I'm going to join the military and give myself a new life". I essentially relay these plans to her and that I'm "okay" with moving out and that I have a place to live.

 

(My confusion begins)

Upon hearing the news, she requests my presence at the apartment; she says she has something to discuss with me. So basically she spent the day crying, about her decision? About us? Who knows. She tells me that she doesn't want to just break contact and not exist to each other; that she still wants to be very close friends that have the possibility of dating again in the future. (Essentially that she for now just wants to be friends with benefits). ALSO; she wants to renew the lease. During this time (about a week) I never do anything beyond friends with her, I'm simply nice and polite, hug, and even gave her a kiss.

 

 

She's also started to hang around this other guy from her work. This guy, she's been telling me about since before the break up. And how she gets a long with him and how (huge red flag here) he too is in a relationship with an overbearing person, so they can relate to each other. Long story short; she starts staying nights with him, and a presto he asks her out! (Sad thing is the day before he asked her out I was going to spill my guts completely and ask her to take me back, but I chickened out at the last second).

 

Now at this point, any "seasoned" dater or older person with more experience, would likely say there is nothing to be confused about, game over dude, move on. Right? Well, that's without considering I'm locked in this lease until February 2012.

 

Also, after the break up; I came to the realization that I really, truly, not only want, but need this woman. She has my heart.

 

 

At this point, I'd like to simply fast forward to present date. They've been dating or whatever for about two months? Little less I guess. The entire time; she's been confusing me nonstop. Ill be honest and say I didn't just sit and wallow and aimlessly try to get her back, I evaluated everything, read some books and other information. (even one of those "Get your ex back" things) So you would think I have a nice strong logical standing right? Ofcourse not. Anyone sane would've moved on, but I gave up on sanity and thinking with my brain and I'm following my heart.

 

 

At this point; TODAY actually. She has told me that she is now actively trying to find a "Safe" way to break our lease. I don't blame her, she spends all of her free time with him, at his place. Why pay rent here? Unfortunately, this essentially screws me over completely; doesn't it? We had a back and forth about what she wanted to try, at which point she even said that if I didn't agree to her little plan that she would simply stop paying any part of rent at all. (She offered to pay 100$ out of the 645+ for this place monthly). After which I essentially said that I could take legal action if she was going to screw me like that. (I kept trying to change the subject so that we wouldn't fight.)

 

However, I also thought of another way to help her. Which was again; joining the service. In which I would be deployed; leaving her and her new guy to take over this apartment! Good deal? Except when I added the stigma that doing that meant, the bridge between would be burned and there would be no more communication at all. She got really quiet and essentially ignored that idea.

 

Now the only reason I told you all of that, is to explain parts of my confusion. Instead of trying to think of a grammatically correct way to make a paragraph about it, I'm just going to make a list of the confusing things. Maybe someone can analyze it beyond what I can and set me straight.

 

When we were boyfriend and girlfriend whenever she showered; she dressed in the restroom. Now whenever she does; she dresses in the bedroom, and simply "trusts" me not to look at her.

 

Whenever I ask her, literally, to let me go and give me complete closure, she folds; and basically refuses to. Today; she told me it would be up to me to decide when I should give up on her.

 

She recently went on a trip to Scotland, and before leaving she gave me a hug, and almost followed it up with a kiss. (This is after being with new guy for a month, and we've hugged plenty between then, so I'm not thinking it was a "routine" thing.)

 

She will ask me about my day alot; and essentially keeps track of me via facebook (I've confirmed by bringing up things that I never told her about, and her having information related to it in some way already)

 

She seems to enjoy physical contact with me, she also seems to slightly linger a lot.

 

The list goes on, and again I'm no simpleton; after nearly five years, breaking up with anyone, there is going to be some feelings still there; so maybe I am over reaching?

 

 

NOW, to the point of all of this. I'm done apologizing, I'm done pointing out my wrongs to her, and I'm done letting her know that I understand it's my fault. My problem now; is that she has given me 3 chances before to change for the better; and it's not until NOW that I've been able to see how childish I've truly been and actually make that change. Not only for her; and not only about that, I'm going as far as to completely improve myself, and my outlook on life. I spend time simply smiling to be happier; I read up on how to enjoy my crummy job and I've taken up a work out schedule!

 

My current problem is getting past that "hurdle" as she called it, of trying to show her that I've changed. She is essentially an active part of me trying to win her back; but that is the last thing in the way. I don't have enough time with her to simply "show" her. I can't do it with words either can I? As she acknowledged today, if she were to tell me ANYTHING not matter I would simply do as she asked to "prove it".

 

Unfortunately this leads me to only one conclusion...and I don't think it will happen unless something goes drastically wrong with her new guy. (Yes, I'm trying to win her back, but NO, I'm not trying to break that up. Some people will understand what I mean by this.) Anyway, basically the only way, to show her I've changed. Is for HER to swallow her fear and take a leap of faith on me....I don't see any other way that I can show her.

 

 

I'm sure people are going to question my logic about just how much it was my fault and think that I'm glorifying this girl and putting her on a pedestal. But trust me when I say I'm not; I'm more than willing to answer any questions or elaborate on any points that anyone would like me to. Also, no; I don't care that she's with another guy, I can't blame her for it; she got tired of my crap and found someone that might not give her any. I can't blame her for that. (It hurts... a lot, but it's my decision to pursue her and I understand the pain that's involved; and the fact that it may simply be a lost cause.)

 

Thanks for reading if you did read it all; and thank you even more for your insights if you wish to share them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
00sports00

There is only so much you CAN show her or say to her or anything in reality. We are humans, our emotions can lash out at any time for whatever reason, but they happen for some reason that you can't beat your self up over, what has happened happened and you need to forget the past and move forward with what is going on now. She has this new guy, you are stuck trying to "win" her back. Don't go over board, don't force it onto her, that will only push her away more. She knows how you were, and she wants you to prove you've changed. So prove it by pulling up your pants and acting like an ADULT. Change is hard, and not many people can adapt, but if this girl REALLY is the one for you, you'd be surprised how much love can change a person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ultrasonic

Thanks for response, and you bring up a point that I left out.

 

 

I am only 24. However; everyone that doesn't know my age right off the bat, seems to think I'm closer to 30 because of my demeanor and mindset. I'm unfortunately extremely aged mentally already. (Due to how I was raised).

 

Because of this; she sometimes won't tell me things because she doesn't want to hear a 'lecture' about it as though I'm her parents. She always heard lectures from her parents, them forcing her to think about the future and stuff. Then she got it from me too. When our relationship first started I was more of "f-it, f-em do what you want" and so forth. But as I grew into our relationship, I really wanted to go places with her; MARRY her. Due to that I started to change in that aspect as well. I became expecting, always bugging her about her job, her schooling, where she would be in a few years. :(

 

Ha, what's funny is I know now know the answer to "Where will you be in a few years" that I should've answered for her, maybe I'll tell her....

Link to post
Share on other sites
00sports00

well we can relate to age b/c i am also that age ... Girls hearing about the future scare the crap out of them, i will tell you that from experience .. their minds start going off into all different areas and "future" talks and other things reallyyyy scare them, try to stay away from that and take it as a day by day type of deal. bugging her too is never a good thing, usually girls like to do things without being told what to do, and when a guy bugs them about it, that can bring up red flags, because what if they do fail at something? will you insult that on her as well? that will make her feel like garbage. You need to support her in whatever decisions she is trying to make, and if you think they aren't the right ones, don't act like a parent figure, but as a friend figure

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ultrasonic

Yeah I know I battered her too much with "wtf are you doing in life" type stuff. After the break up I've been pushing her to take these classes she always talked about to get into phlebotomy, and playfully telling her that I'll force her into them and what not. (We even joked about going to California so she can see the beach, post break up.)

 

I can tell she's still scared that I'm still the same ******* I was before; and that's really what's hurting me. Usually in break ups, both parties can look back and say "Well, she/he did this and that and caused this". But me, I'm stuck looking back and only seeing where I screwed up....really sucks. I know it takes time for people to get past that; but it seems like the more time passes the further away from me she's slipping...

Link to post
Share on other sites
00sports00

Don't look back about how you screwed up, think about how you can fix yourself and don't act like that again because obviously the girl didn't like that .. You need to fix your habits of making her feel like garbage and you need to do this for ALL your future endeavors .. Also, why exactly do you feel she is slipping away from you? In general context, a girl decides what she wants to do at all times, it's really hard to make decisions for a girl, or to change their mind .. So, in essence, what she is choosing to do is her prerogative, and you need to fix yourself up and hopefully she will eventually notice this and see that you have changed for the better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ultrasonic

Oh, I have changed, I was able to get help in seeing everything that I was doing wrong, but consciously and subconsciously. I've seen my insecure behavior and learned to master it. I've come to realize what my faults are or rather, were. The only problem is we don't get enough time together for me to show her. I don't have ties close enough to her friends to show them, and have them relay it.

 

She still seems to take time out of her week to be around me at least a little bit; we're getting together tomorrow; but who knows what will happen there, she is apparently going to tell me about her plan of getting out or around of our lease.

 

 

Well as I stated in the OP, she is currently with another guy. Though she always; hints at or straight up suggests that I can get her back. Most people would say this is a string along; but I've seen more than that.

 

She seems bent on not permanently breaking contact with me; like it hurts her to think about it. But who knows, maybe I'm depending on my heart too much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
guccimane99

Alright bud i know how it feels to lose someone you truly care about. There are a few things you can do A. Go No contact and move on B. you can go No contact for a while and try and change. This meaning die off the earth and when the time comes show her you have changed. C. go back to the guy you were before you dated her show her how much you have changed by doing things she likes and compliment her on how beautiful she looks make her feel special and not like ****. Conterary to what all woman say "yes they do love *******s", but those are the immature ones. Show her how you changed through actions not by saying that is the only way. Good luck buddy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
00sports00

Yea I will agree to that. Proving you are doing well yourself definitely shows maturity and that YOU don't need HER to do everything. That will come off as desperate and needy, and when a girl thinks that they guy needs the girl to help out his life, a woman won't find that attractive.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ultrasonic

Oh, I know all about the laws of attraction. Women don't find the ******* attractive, they find the Alpha Male traits that he displays attractive.

 

We're supposed to have a "talk" today, not a good one, but maybe I can sway it into one. Here's hoping. :love:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ultrasonic

Didn't go bad; no bad exchange at all, we sat around a taco bell talking about her trip to scotland and her work; just kinda joking around and laughing for a few hours. (Like we used to be fore we got together). On the way out I left her with a small piece of my new insight. Not really sure what to make of it. Anything positive would be reaching, and anything negative wouldn't be helpful thinking.

 

 

 

It's so much torture without her; and I'm actually only doing it on purpose now. I could easily stop caring and move on. But having to deal with this pain will help me even if I don't get back with her; it'll help me not make the same mistakes anymore...even today I can still think of new things that I hadn't before that I did to hurt her, or just plain did wrong..... :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Don't like double posting but another update.

 

We hung out again and went to grab some food then watched part of a movie at "our" place and had some laughs before she "had" to leave.

 

I'm still quite confused, and unsure of what I should be doing or not doing. Don't really know when the next time I'll see her is, since right now she's helping her new guy move his stuff into another apartment.

 

I really just wish she'd finish me off randomly one day instead of being.....well I don't know how she's being. (She seems to hang out with me without telling her new guy; and she definitely doesn't want him knowing that she still talks to me....so..wtf?)

Link to post
Share on other sites

HI there,

 

I read your post and I know exactly what you are doing. You do not want to give up what you built over the past 5 years and you think she is the one for you. This is why you are giving you two an ooportunity somehow but having attachment with her still.

 

I think that yes, you love her truly but somehow there's part of the human science involve. We all want something that we cannot have. So the fact that there's a guy now having her meaning you can't have her makes you want her even more. It is normal though. So this is why u r ignoring the guy and just go with your heart to try to win her back.

 

In terms of her, you said you would rather her finish you off once and for all. But by breaking up with you, she did that already. By breaking up, she finished the last relationship with you. So it is not her who is stringing you along, it is yourself being trapped inside this. At the end, if it does not work out to your plan, you cannot blame her for it. You chose to fight for her. She made it clear when she left, she broke up.

 

The things she did or is doing after the breakup may give you confusion. Yes, sometimes the dumper cannot control their feelings either and would did silly things. Hugs are normal so not a big sign there. Hanging out with you is because she does miss you and she does not do well there in terms of self control. Some people are not good at it. She shouldnt have hang out with you thereby giving you wrong signals.

 

You two hang out being happy is ultimately what she wants. She wants you to be happy even though she is not with you as your gf. And it is YOUR assumption that she does not tell her new bf about meeintg with you. Maybe she does tell him and he is a very understanding person. So I dont think you should guess because it will make you drilling in deeper.

 

BY having contact or limited contact, you need to brace yourself with the fact that you will get upset from time to time. For example, you might have a day spending with her and the day went great. On your side, you feel like there's a chance and your mood is high up to the sky. Then then next day, she pulls away and it will bring you back down. It will play with your emotion big time. She will not intentionally does it but the fact of contacting will make your emotion swings.

 

So this is why people suggests NC, it is not for getting an ex back. It is for you to heal. The side effect might lead to ex coming back because they might miss you a lot suddenly. But this might not happen and it is not the main purpose of NC.

 

Finally, having read what you did in the relationship, she seems deeply hurt at the end and very very unhappy. So that s why she left. Well she has a scar deep inside and it will take time to heal. She will find it very hard to overcome that hurdle to have faith in you again. She needs TIME and you need to change. Trust me, she will know how youve changed even though you two are not living together/ not seeing each other day in and out.

 

Only time will bring you two together. She does not want it now and from what youve told us, it seems she is wondering. I do not blame her because she has been with you for 5 years and she does have her moment where she will find it hard and confuse. But those are just red-herring and not because she wants to be back together. Not now, who knows what is down the road.

 

You need time off to heal too. I will suggest NC because you dont want your emotion to go up and down which is very painful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the reply. (I'm gonna reply paragraph by paragraph)

 

As far as wanting something that I can't have. I don't believe I'm being affected by this. I could care less if she with another man right now. I've sat and analyzed everything, I don't want her because she's not mine to have. I want her, simply because I want her. She meets just about every "marker" that I have a for a woman. I love her quirks, her mood, her REAL self.

 

As far as her finishing me off; she hasn't in the way that you think. When we did break up, the following day she basically made us into friends with benefits; and told me flat out that she wanted me to change and to try and win her back. She's never gone back on that statement, and I've asked her directly if she would prefer for me to leave her alone and just move on. (Ofcourse anyone emotional would say no, just because they don't have their bearings).

 

As far as hugs, I know that I shouldn't be "fishing" for anything, almost anything that I think of as a "positive" sign is probably just me looking for it. But it's not that hugs that are making me think that; it's when I DON'T touch her. I'm very good at reading people and she knows this; when I don't hug her, or reach out for her; she has a really long linger; and even a look of wanting, almost every time. When we do hug, she just about always goes full wrap and closes her eyes as though she's not going to see me again. It's weird; and yes maybe I'm reaching, but only realistically.

 

Yes, you're right. I know she doesn't want me sad about the break up; she doesn't want me sad that she's with another guy. She doesn't like the idea of making me sad at all; and she shows is very clearly. Whether she just wants a good friend or not though; isn't really her style. She's had several "Close male friends" from the time I've known her and they all ended up in shambles, and she never does anything like she does with me with them. As far as her not telling her current boyfriend about everything she does with me; I'm not assuming, I know for a fact that she hides it from him sometimes, and maybe even lies to him. (lying is the assumption, but I KNOW she doesn't always tell him). Her current boyfriend doesn't even like the fact that she still texts me a lot; and she has already informed me of this. Also, specific scenarios have already arisen that clearly show that he was in the dark about us going out together. (atleast once).

 

Yes, I've been going through highs and lows sometimes, but most of the lows are superficial and are caused by an emotional response, once I think about them logically, I can see clearly that I'm just being a baby. I practice No Initiation with her, meaning I will never initiate a conversation with her; she has to start it with me and I'll simply reply from there.

 

I don't need to heal; I've already sat and thought both logically and emotionally about what happened and what needs to happen. If we weren't in the situation we are now (where she splits the rent for this apartment) she would already be completely out of my life, because I would've literally left the state. So I'm not in shambles or denial about the break up, it happened; it was my fault. Sitting and just whining won't help me; so I've started down the road for self improvement, and I'm taking it very seriously. (I even started praying, which is something I never do).

 

Now, HER, she still needs to heal I believe. She can't handle talking about our break up; and doesn't like to hear anything involving it really. She tries to stick to talking about happy things and only positives. If a negative is ever brought up she gets into a weird mood and closes off. Whenever we're around each other she's always in pretty high spirits and I can still make her laugh all the time, just like I used to before we got together.

 

Yes, time is the last factor. She has to evaluate her current situation and find what's really important to her; she needs to settle with her own demons and decide what she wants. I ofcourse can make subtle suggestions, but nothing badgering, since that will only drive her away.

 

 

However; I have decided that I love her, and I would like to continue to have a life with her; and by deciding that I've accepted the very painful road of confusion and mixed signals. I understand what I'm going to put myself through, but after 2+ years of making her feel like dirt; I think it's the least I can do, to at least make peace with my own demons and bad decisions from the past.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Another double, but it's been awhile since I updated last.

 

We've talked, and laughed and stuff abit more together since the last times.

 

However, I went in to a more overall NC than before; making days pass before we talked to each other. Then when we did I was always very light. (The full process of getting over her was starting to complete I guess)

 

So then she does something; that I think was on purpose...either to hurt me...or....I don't know; I don't know what I'm going to do about her anymore, but I think after today; when I talk to her, I'm going to ask her very specific questions, and look for very specific responses...and that'll depend on whether I just give up; or if I'll even talk to her ever again...(I asked her to come over so I could talk to her; and she immediately started asking if it was about something bad....which means she must've set bait for me)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...