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something_to_ponder

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something_to_ponder

ok so trying to understand my ex's (or soon to be girlfriend again) actions, but as ever understanding signs is hard. any women in particular, but even guys be able to shine some light on this?

 

so after 4 years we broke up a year ago. I have had an extremely hard time since, my ex's doing that it finished. She got together with a guy soon after, so i get the feeling she may have cheated but have no evidence.

 

Fast forward a year she and I have started seeing each other again. But it transpires that the other guy, who she has dumped, is madly in love with her. In her words 'he did everything right, if i could have just turned off my feelings for you i admit it could have gone somewhere, but i couldn't love him. I couldnt get over you.'

 

This was after me prodding it out of her she was keeping a stern silence over him. Things have been going pretty well between us, but he is lurking in the background and it is making me insecure. I think she had strong feelings for him, and i think guilt over me may have played a part in it not working out with him.

 

She definitely still loves me. But a few things I have noticed since we have been seeing each other again.

 

1. she constantly texts people in my company. Nothing sinister, but still she never used to do it. On FB on her phone a lot as well. She seems to have made a LOT of new friends in my absence.

 

2. She gets close with me, but dosen't kiss me much, i am the one who makes the effort. I brought this up to her and she denied it was even true.

 

Nothing major, but irritating nonetheless. I said to her recently that I didn't think she felt 100% the same as she did before and I thought it best we quit. She was crushed, begged me not to do it, said things were going well etc. her attitude tends to be a bit up and down like this. always nice, but sometimes intimate and sometimes a bit distant

 

Can anybody help? I love her to bits, but i dont want to spend my life with somebody who sees me as the comfortable option or something...

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jacksonBrown
ok so trying to understand my ex's (or soon to be girlfriend again) actions, but as ever understanding signs is hard. any women in particular, but even guys be able to shine some light on this?

 

so after 4 years we broke up a year ago. I have had an extremely hard time since, my ex's doing that it finished. She got together with a guy soon after, so i get the feeling she may have cheated but have no evidence.

 

Fast forward a year she and I have started seeing each other again. But it transpires that the other guy, who she has dumped, is madly in love with her. In her words 'he did everything right, if i could have just turned off my feelings for you i admit it could have gone somewhere, but i couldn't love him. I couldnt get over you.'

 

This was after me prodding it out of her she was keeping a stern silence over him. Things have been going pretty well between us, but he is lurking in the background and it is making me insecure. I think she had strong feelings for him, and i think guilt over me may have played a part in it not working out with him.

 

She definitely still loves me. But a few things I have noticed since we have been seeing each other again.

 

1. she constantly texts people in my company. Nothing sinister, but still she never used to do it. On FB on her phone a lot as well. She seems to have made a LOT of new friends in my absence.

 

2. She gets close with me, but dosen't kiss me much, i am the one who makes the effort. I brought this up to her and she denied it was even true.

 

Nothing major, but irritating nonetheless. I said to her recently that I didn't think she felt 100% the same as she did before and I thought it best we quit. She was crushed, begged me not to do it, said things were going well etc. her attitude tends to be a bit up and down like this. always nice, but sometimes intimate and sometimes a bit distant

 

Can anybody help? I love her to bits, but i dont want to spend my life with somebody who sees me as the comfortable option or something...

 

if you really love this girl forget about all that other stuff man she's with you she wants you GO with it dont worry bout that other guy just be the best U u can be and enjoy your time together try not to be insecure it drives girls away

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something_to_ponder

Thanks man. I feel trapped. I am too scared to let go in case I regret it forever, and it would mean pushing her away because she is adamant she wants to be with me.

 

But at the same time I am alienating myself from everybody, she is becoming the centre of my world and I know that's not healthy. I am paranoid about losing her again, paranoid about this guy who bought her loads of things and took her nice places that I cant afford right now. Worried that if we get back together I'll be on edge all the time.

 

She has a whole new circle of friends and has a lot going on elsewhere. My friends are great but they are all moving away or getting on with their lives.

 

Part of me feels as though I want her to finish with me so it's out of my hands. I am pretty depressed about the whole thing. It feels so unfair that even though I have a real shot at a second chance I dont think I can trust myself not to mess it up.

 

To think I was carefree and happy for most of my life, i feel like i am in a nightmare now. these second chances arent all theyre cracked up to be

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Fear is controlling you and that is the LAST emotion that needs to be governing your decision to be in a relationship or not; but you're not alone as many people decide to get into relationships based on fear of being alone, fear of not finding someone else, fear of regret and so on.

 

You pretty much have stated ALL the reasons why this is not the best relationship in the world for you and your apprehension to move forward. That is all you need. You don't need strangers to tell you something you know more than we do. ;)

 

"Loving someone to bits" is hardly enough to form a relationship, no matter what people say. Been there, done that, thought I was sooo inlove and it was meant to be and blah blah and here I am today, with it NOT working out and me being as happy as ever and realizing NOBODY is your last chance. You can be happy with someone else and live to love again. I will NEVER allow that fear to control me again as I realize it simply is not true.

 

Define what you want for a relationship, set standards about your VALUES and what are dealbreakers. Things that have nothing to do with simply having interests in common, attraction and stuff that really can't sustain a relationship and match your ex up to this as well as any other person you plan to date. That helps a lot in knowing what's real versus going off of emotions and fears and committing yourself to someone for inane reasons.

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1. Don't go back to a woman who may have (probably) cheated, and anyway left you.

 

2. Don't prod women about their feelings, sexual past, etc.

 

3. Don't keep around a woman who does not return 150% your affection.

 

4. Don't be afraid to jettison her and risk being alone for a while.

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jacksonBrown
Thanks man. I feel trapped. I am too scared to let go in case I regret it forever, and it would mean pushing her away because she is adamant she wants to be with me.

 

But at the same time I am alienating myself from everybody, she is becoming the centre of my world and I know that's not healthy. I am paranoid about losing her again, paranoid about this guy who bought her loads of things and took her nice places that I cant afford right now. Worried that if we get back together I'll be on edge all the time.

 

She has a whole new circle of friends and has a lot going on elsewhere. My friends are great but they are all moving away or getting on with their lives.

 

Part of me feels as though I want her to finish with me so it's out of my hands. I am pretty depressed about the whole thing. It feels so unfair that even though I have a real shot at a second chance I dont think I can trust myself not to mess it up.

 

To think I was carefree and happy for most of my life, i feel like i am in a nightmare now. these second chances arent all theyre cracked up to be

 

you've got a girl who loves u and want to be with you stop worrying, if you think she's becoming your world get active again get into your hobbies go out with your friends or go to the gym just get busy it'l be a turn on in her eyes and it will keep your mind off her.

 

its sounds like you've broken up in your head already just focuss on you abit dude do what makes you happy. at the moment you've still got a loving girlfriend to go home to embrace that but try not to make her your world she should get the feeling that you love her but if you break up you'll

be fine and you will be!!

 

your the most important person in your life man girlfriends are great but having her in your life shouldn't govern weather your happy or not thats up to you!! you cant rely on someone else to make you happy thats just selfish. at the moment you guys are together make the most of it Be Happpy together just try keep your self occupied at the same time so your not thinking about loosing her all the time, hope this helps dude all the best you'll be fine :)

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How long have you been back together with her? If it's still early, I would give it time, both of you are still feeling vulnerable. When you get back together....it's VERY important to take it slow (which it sounds like you didn't do) because you pretty much have to leave what you had in the past and start a brand new relationship...building a new foundation. If you try to get back what you had before it will NEVER feel right because that is gone. Especially since you have been apart for a year.

 

Try to have open communication with her and just be patient....

 

That being said, at the end you want someone who you can have an easy life with, so if it feels like you're being trapped, then I would obviously take note of that, but don't just let it go completely. If you can focus on YOU and HER instead of this guy...it will be better for the both of you.

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something_to_ponder

Thanks for the great advice guys, I really appreciate it. Call me a hopeless romantic but I wanted the relationship with the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with to be perfect (of sorts).

 

I know this guy shouldn't really matter, especially if she's chosen me. But a large part of me doesn't want to be a 'choice'. I just feel like I'm worth more than that. It's really hard because I love this person so much, and we spent some very happy years together. I could never have predicted that it would have come to this. The love hurts and stresses me, it used to make me feel alive and safe.

 

I think I know inside that I need to finish it, and it's going to be hard because she will be distraught. She's dead set that this time is for good.

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