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Relationship ended after 8 years - thoughts needed


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Hi everyone!

 

Basically around 4 weeks ago my ex girlfriend told me that she wanted to separate. It came as a real shock and seemed completely out of the blue. I'm 23 (she's 22) and we had been together permanently for 8 years. Around 6 months ago we purchased a house together and everything just seemed perfect.

 

Apparently the catalist was that one evening about a week before we broke up she started talking online and on Skype to a guy that she used to know back home. But when I say talking, they would be speaking for hours... I was pretty unwell at the time and wanted her to come up to bed so I went down after they had been speaking for around 3 - 4 hours and asked if she was coming up. Basically we argued and she then slept in the spare room. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this guy - they haven't had any contact for at least 5 years and when we knew him then he was openly gay. My ex still tells me that he is gay but I don't know what to believe. The weirdest thing though is that after only speaking for a few nights and not having talked for years she was inviting him to visit her (this was before we broke up). I know that she did have a bit of a school girl crush on him back then... plus I've just seen some photos on FaceBook of them in a club with a few of her kissing him on the cheek (her main profile pic is now one of these).

 

She works away most of the week (she is a Doctor) and so we didn't see each other for a few days after that argument, but when we did catch up we went for a meal and at the end she told me that she wanted to split.

 

I was a bit taken aback obviously as she had just been to have her hair done and said on the phone she wanted to show it off to me.

 

She then went off on a holiday that we had booked only a few weeks early (her mum lives abroad and we were going to stay with her) and I went down to visit my parents as I had already booked the time off work.

 

I feel I should add here that trust has been an issue for a couple of years. I got very ill around 5 years ago and started talking to a guy online, just chatting away. This then turned to a sexual conversation, and she found the emails. We did stay together, but trust has always been a problem since then. I have regretted what happened ever since and apologised so many times for it... I didn't even really have feelings for what we were discussing I was just in a bad place at the time.

 

I'm having a really difficult time at the moment. Even though it has been over a month since the separation I just can't stop thinking of anything else. I want to be back with her so badly but at the moment the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. We are trying to be friends... meeting every 10 days or so to grab some food and have a catch up. She has said quite a few times things along the lines of "perhaps in 6 months we could try it again, but it would have to be as the new people we have become not a repeat of the old us" and that she "will always love me, but isn't 'in love' with me at the moment - I just don't know what to make of those sorts of statements, is that her trying to let me down gently or could she perhaps just have itchy feet? I mean, because we were a couple from a young age she/we never had the opportunity to be 'young, free and single'. We may have become a bit 'comfy' with buying the house etc, but she now goes out a lot more than she did before, but I suppose this may have something to do with the fact that she is now not having to divide her time between the two cities.

 

In these sorts of situations, do couples ever get back together? I've tried (and failed) at phoning her, letting her know how I feel etc. I put some songs on her Spotify account and at first she text me to say that I got points for creativity but not to add anymore songs, however she then phoned an hour later and we had an argument because it upset her listening "to those types of songs".

 

I just don't know what to do. She has asked for space and I'm now able to give her this, I let her phone me rather than calling her and try to keep all communication to a minimum (all though my heart is wrenching inside by doing this). The other issue is that we had a lot of 'couple friends' that have fizzled out since we broke up, at least towards me. I'm trying to go to socialising events and get back into sport which is all stuff that I let slide after a few years due to work and us being together etc, plus I work from home so my social life at the moment is pretty shocking.

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

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bernardverh

It sounds to me as if she has made her decision and has probably thought about it some time already. It might be so that you're a bit behind in processing this situation. Living in the same house in this situation sounds horrible to me.

 

I want to be back with her so badly but at the moment the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. We are trying to be friends... meeting every 10 days or so to grab some food and have a catch up. She has said quite a few times things along the lines of "perhaps in 6 months we could try it again, but it would have to be as the new people we have become not a repeat of the old us" and that she "will always love me, but isn't 'in love' with me at the moment - I just don't know what to make of those sorts of statements, is that her trying to let me down gently or could she perhaps just have itchy feet?

 

You want her back so badly, she doesn't want that. In my eyes you cannot be friends, at least not at this moment. Maybe later in your life, at least months or years later. So meeting every 10 days is a bad idea. Every time you will be confronted with her again, it will be very hard or impossible to move on, this way. Putting hope out of her words is dangerous. Women in general don't like to be rude and hurt people, so she probably says this to help you a bit. But it has the opposite effect.

 

In these sorts of situations, do couples ever get back together? I've tried (and failed) at phoning her, letting her know how I feel etc. I put some songs on her Spotify account and at first she text me to say that I got points for creativity but not to add anymore songs, however she then phoned an hour later and we had an argument because it upset her listening "to those types of songs".

 

Couples only get back together if both parties realize that they miss what they had. If she will ever realize this, she first has to miss you, which will never happen if you put any effort in this. She knows how you think about it and that you will be there if she snaps her fingers.

 

As this forum is famous for, you have to go in no contact (NC). Don't initiate any form of contact and ignore 90% of her attempts to make contact. The 10% is only for business talk about the house. No relation talk at all.

 

She has to fight to get you back, not the other way around. The 3-4 hour sessions of talking with another guy are serious not-done. Personally I would blame her for such actions and walk away.

 

This is my personal view, and I know it's easy to say such things while being an outsider.

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Hi Bernardverh, thanks for the reply!

 

Bit of an update:

 

I met up with her last night to have a catch up and initially she was quite cold which is the complete opposite to her usual personality. When we have met up previously since we broke up she was always quite affectionate in that she would kiss me on the cheek when we left and give me a hug. This time she was a bit more distant, at first at least. It turns out that she was still annoyed at me for something I had done the week before where we ended up having an argument on the phone (basically I told her that I had been picking up mixed signals due to her over-affectionate manner, but she insisted that it was only meant in a friendly way and so we ended up having a bit of a sob and a falling out... she insists that if we can manage to be friends that we would be 'special friends', as in we have a large background etc).

 

This did settle down though and she warmed up a bit after I apologised (we were sat in her bedroom at this point discussing house issues). Because I'm very close to her grand parents (basically treated them as my own as I never met my grand dads) we went across to visit him in hospital as he had just had an operation. We bumped into her mum and grand mother and had a good chat before leaving for dinner.

 

In the car on the way I did bring up the subject of no contact. I said that some people had suggested this and she said the same. But I could tell that this isn't what she wanted and obviously my heart keeps telling me the same.

 

At the restaurant we had a good chat about what we'd been up to over the past 2 weeks, basically just normal friend chat. We ate there for a while but as we were sat by the door we both got pretty cold and decided to leave.

 

She invited me in for tea and cakes (which I found odd as surely if she had no/little feelings for me, she could have just ended the night there rather than inviting me back in???) and chatted further for about another hour about anything and everything.

 

She then went to the bathroom, and I did something I think I regret. I checked one of her text messages (SMS's) to this guy she talks to a lot... he is gay, he had visited her last weekend and insisted on taking her to gay bars etc and he was apparently annoyed that he hadn't been hit on by any men where as lesbians had been dancing with her.

 

Basically, she had text him just before I arrived saying something along the lines of "here we go again. not sure I will ever get used to this" which I take to mean us catching up once a fortnight. Also, she had tried to cancel on me the previous evening stating she was busy etc with her grand dad and couldn't come to my city. I offered to go to her as I was pretty near with work that day anyway, however there was another text between her and this gay guy the previous evening saying "my plan worked, he is coming to Preston!!! (the city she lives in)... But he never really did understand my communication" which I have taken to mean that perhaps she was actually trying to cancel on me for the sake of cancelling rather than being busy where as I was simply trying to solve a problem and make it easier for her.

 

When she got back from the bathroom, I didn't mentioned I had seen the texts but basically said to her that, although I loved spending time with her, if it was causing too much upset or if she was just meeting up for me and not because she actually wanted to, that I was happy to go with what she wanted to do (here I was trying to judge whether there would ever be any chance of a 'second chance'). Even though I gave her the option, she said that she had had a good time tonight as well as the last time we met and basically that she was happy to keep meeting every 10 days to 2 weeks or so.

 

The last thing we discussed was the house again before I left. We've sort of decided to rent it out fully rather than me stay in it and find a lodger for one of the other rooms as it works out better financially for the two of us. I asked her how long she wanted to rent it out for, as in short term or longer term, and the first thing she came back with was "well if we did ever get back together we wouldn't be staying in the house anyway (due to our jobs and where their located) so lets rent it out long term"... does this sort of statement suggest that somewhere in her mind there is the possibility of us getting back together some time? It just seemed an odd thing to say if not, especially coupled with the fact that we went back to her for tea and cakes after the meal (she suggested this).

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bernardverh

 

This did settle down though and she warmed up a bit after I apologised (we were sat in her bedroom at this point discussing house issues). Because I'm very close to her grand parents (basically treated them as my own as I never met my grand dads) we went across to visit him in hospital as he had just had an operation. We bumped into her mum and grand mother and had a good chat before leaving for dinner.

 

I'm a bit confused. Did she end the relation? Are you seeing each other as friends now every 10 days? This really sounds like a horrible situation to me. It seems that you are hoping to get her back, while she will never go for that option as long as this situation doesn't change. I know your intentations are good, but maybe you don't get the point.

 

In my opinion she is using you to deal with the pain that the relation is over. It makes it easier for her to cope with her decision. Second is that she is trying to help you because she feels that you are in pain. If you ever want to get back together, you have to totally change this situation right now.

 

 

 

In the car on the way I did bring up the subject of no contact. I said that some people had suggested this and she said the same. But I could tell that this isn't what she wanted and obviously my heart keeps telling me the same.

 

 

Ofcourse this isn't what she wants. She's not completely sure about her decision and she still fears a bit to lose you completely. In the current situation she knows you are still there for her if she changes her mind, but meanwhile she can also move on with her life. That your heart is telling you to make as much contact as possible is normal, but it's the opposite of what you should be doing if you want to get back together.

 

Basically, she had text him just before I arrived saying something along the lines of "here we go again. not sure I will ever get used to this" which I take to mean us catching up once a fortnight. Also, she had tried to cancel on me the previous evening stating she was busy etc with her grand dad and couldn't come to my city. I offered to go to her as I was pretty near with work that day anyway

 

This message seems to indicate that she doesn't look forward to your meetings. Her trying to cancel is another indication. You shouldn't have offered to come to her, it's an unbalanced situation with more of your efforts in it than hers. It weakens your position.

 

I don't understand the 'my plan worked' message fully. Could it be that she really didn't want to put any effort in this meeting and make you come to her to make it really easy for her?

 

Even though I gave her the option, she said that she had had a good time tonight as well as the last time we met and basically that she was happy to keep meeting every 10 days to 2 weeks or so.

 

Words cannot be trusted in this situation. She's not sure about what to do. It's time for you to act and in my opinion you still have a chance to get back together, but not with this behaviour.

 

 

 

The last thing we discussed was the house again before I left. We've sort of decided to rent it out fully rather than me stay in it and find a lodger for one of the other rooms as it works out better financially for the two of us. I asked her how long she wanted to rent it out for, as in short term or longer term, and the first thing she came back with was "well if we did ever get back together we wouldn't be staying in the house anyway (due to our jobs and where their located) so lets rent it out long term"... does this sort of statement suggest that somewhere in her mind there is the possibility of us getting back together some time? It just seemed an odd thing to say if not, especially coupled with the fact that we went back to her for tea and cakes after the meal (she suggested this).

 

You're really looking for any last bit of hope to hold on. The more she realizes this, the more she will push you away.

 

If you really want to fix things, I think this is still possible. How things are going at this moment is very bad for your chances. Her words are not important, actions are.

 

You should be angry on her for ending the relationship. You should be angry on her for chatting for hours with another guy, whether he's gay or not. You cannot tolerate this behaviour.

 

Try to imagine to be in her shoes. She's uncertain about the relationship and you come begging her for attention and spending time together. That's very unattractive.

 

Try to realize the seriousness of this situation. Try to be angry on her. Cancel all the contact untill she begs you to take her back. If that point ever comes, tell her that you think about it and that there's a lot of work to do. In my opinion this is the only solution, continuing the current friendly contact will bring you nowhere and will make you miserable.

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Thanks Bernardverh, another really helpful reply.

 

To answer some of your points, it was her who ended the relationship about 5 weeks ago, and we have met up three times since, so every 10 - 14 days or so. You are correct that I want nothing more than for us to be back together, but I am starting to get very worried that I am going about everything the wrong way. As we have been together for over 8 years and we met at the age of 15, neither of us has broken up from a relationship before in the past.

 

In all fairness, the last time we met she did come to me, so I just assumed it was my turn to go to her. It does however seem that I mis-read this situation.

 

The main tie we have at the moment between us is the house we purchased 6 months ago - unfortunately this isn't going to be going anywhere anytime soon.

 

You've mentioned a few times that you think we could still get back together, but how do I go about this? I'm struggling to get angry at her as she suggest... she was my best friend and lover for so many years and the thought of thinking badly of her, even when she has ended our relationship, really upsets me.

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bernardverh

The main tie we have at the moment between us is the house we purchased 6 months ago - unfortunately this isn't going to be going anywhere anytime soon.

 

You've mentioned a few times that you think we could still get back together, but how do I go about this? I'm struggling to get angry at her as she suggest... she was my best friend and lover for so many years and the thought of thinking badly of her, even when she has ended our relationship, really upsets me.

 

I don't know your situation very well, but she must have liked / loved you to be with you for a long time. Probably, things have changed, things that changed her mind. Try to analyze for yourself why the love has disappeared. Have you changed? Has she? This is one of the first steps to rationalize it for yourself.

 

Another thing that you have to do is to accept this breakup. Your feelings don't want that, but you have no choice. The house is an important thing in this matter. I read that you decided to rent it out fully. Why would you own a house with a woman and rent it out? The best situation would be to sell it and not be dependent on her. There's a chance that she meets another man. Her feelings about you will change completely and owning a house with her at that point is not what you want.

 

You cannot live your life based on your feelings, at this moment. Your feelings tell you that she's a great woman, someone you love. You want to restore that perfect image. But this is not true at this moment. The more you show your feelings to her, the more you drop in status in her eyes. It's a horrible thing.

 

She broke up with you, breaking up is a big thing to do. You can blame her for that, to do such a big thing and to hurt you. It seems that she is controlling this situation and you have to turn things around. If you succeed there's a chance that you will get back together. Showing her your feelings and being honest won't help you at all, so there's no reason to do that. I know it's a horrible 'game' to play, but try to man up. If you see her as the nice sweet loving woman who asks her politely to get back together, she will see you as the weak boring guy.

 

What would she think if she finds out that it doesn't bother you, that you are moving on? There's a chance that she will come back running. Not after a few days, but after at least 3-4 weeks. Ofcourse in the beginning you don't feel like 'playing this game', but pretending is your only shot. People will say that you shouldn't play any games and that you should talk with her, show how you feel and work things out. To my opinion, in this kind of situations, it destroys the small chance of getting back together for sure.

 

Do you still have contact with her?

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Hi again Bernardverh, and thanks for another good reply.

 

I know that she loved me, but unfortunately she says that this dwindled a bit towards the end. She said on the phone a week or so ago that she will always love me, but isn't IN love with me.

 

I have started to change, going out and meeting new friends, starting some sports etc. She has changed a lot since we broke up, she now parties a lot more and is drinking a lot more as well.

 

I have had the house valued today for both sale and rental. The estate agent actually said that we should wait 12 months or so to sell as we will get a lot more for it due to changes that are happening in the area. But I do wonder if I am using the house as one of the few ways to still have something with her.

 

We have been separated for about 5 weeks now, and I can feel that she has moved on a lot more than me, or at least appears to have.

 

At the moment I still have contact with her, we have been meeting up every 10 - 14 days since we broke up for some food and a catch up. But, today I've started to think that maybe a period of NC, perhaps 2 - 3 months, will help us both in our healing process. I've written a NC letter that I intend to get to her to initiate this period of NC which is below:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273694/

 

The problem I have is that it feels like if we aren't meeting up that she will just drift away. I am still finding it hard in my head to understand that NC can help someone drift back...

 

What do you advise my friend?

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After ex lover ended affair I thought I wanted to keep him in my life as a friend. I could tell at first he wasn't comfortable. He'd sometimes respond to emails and sometimes not. So now two years later I have pretty much given up and this summer was well on my way to moving on, when now he emails me periodically wanting to stay in touch. All we do is talk about our kids, work, all very platonic. The thing is I know we can never be as close and sharing as before and all this other talk pales in comparison.

I've gone three mos this summer without writing until he wrote me last. Now its been a month and part of me misses him and wants to stay in his life, the other part wants the power that comes from abstaning from communicating. I think I'm still not completely over him and that's why I both want and don't want to hear from him.

I don't want to lose him forever, but I can't stand my yo-yo feelings.

What to do???

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Just keep this in mind: the whole friend thing make me worry...for the following reason.

 

1) Being friends is this, allow them to let go of you very gradually. Instead of losing you all at once, are they walking away... little by little

 

 

2) By trying to play the role of the happy, platonic friend is going to end in heartache at best. And at worst? It'll explode into a jealous, messy disaster that could wind up hurting “the both of you” or “just you” worse than the breakup.

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bernardverh
I've written a NC letter that I intend to get to her to initiate this period of NC which is below:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273694/

 

The problem I have is that it feels like if we aren't meeting up that she will just drift away. I am still finding it hard in my head to understand that NC can help someone drift back...

 

What do you advise my friend?

 

I've read the letter. If you let her read this letter, she will see you as a weak man and will pity you. She will not come back to you, not even smile. She will think that you really have a hard time and realize that her decision was the right one.

 

This letter says:

- Hi, I don't accept the break up.

- I'm devastated, please take me back.

- I'm willing to do anything that suits you.

 

Please tell me that you are never going to send this letter, it's the worst thing you can do.

 

About your question on drifting away; This is how I see the current state and possible options:

- Your relationship with her is over, at this moment.

- Something was not right, which caused this breakup. (Find out for yourself what it is)

- She thought about it for a while (weeks, at least), and decided to end the relationship.

- She has a little bit of doubts whether it's the right decision or not.

 

This is where you are.

 

Now you can choose to do two things:

1. Keep talking to her. Renting out the house. Stay in contact. Send her the letter. Hope that things will be alright.

Consequence: She will see you more and more as a weak man and will be more and more convinced of her decision to break up. It will be more and more easy for her to move on. She will become happy, party a lot, and eventually meet a new guy. All this time you are there as a backup if she wants. And from time to time she will receive messages from you, boosting her ego, dropping yours.

 

2. Accept that it's over. Sell the house immediately. Forget about the contact. Don't talk to her about NC, just do it. Don't talk to her about anything other than how you are selling the house. Treat her like a business associate, one who you don't like but have to work with. Never send her the letter. Move on.

Consequence: After weeks of doing this you will be happier. After at least a month of doing this she will wonder why you don't send the 'I want you back' messages anymore. There's a (small) chance that she realizes that she made a mistake and wants you back. After weeks of doing this she will test you whether you really moved on or are playing a game. You ignore her so she never finds out.

 

Now I replied three times with this same message. I've been in this situation and read a lot on this forum about similar situations. I know your feelings say other things, but this is often the best way to handle such a situation. If you are going to send that letter or still initiate any contact, the last hope will be gone, and I will also give up replying.

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