Ex contacts me out of the blue. What do I do?

[baralan]

Hi there,

 

I'm so confused...and panicking a bit. My ex-bf sent me a LONG email after several months of NC. Most of it was a long list of the things he loves about me, plus a surprising statement about how he often felt that he didn't deserve me (as if he was trying to explain why things didn't work out). He apologized for being selfish and wasting my time. Then he gave me an update of what he had been up to since the split. He also said he bought me a gift and I will get it shortly.

 

I should mention that we're on our 2nd split. He pulled away earlier this year, and basically told me that he didn't see a future. I moved out that week - which shocked him. I was so hurt - we had been together for 3 years, and we were still lovey dovey until he dumped me. He totally blind sided me - I thought I was going to die.

 

Then we ran into each other 3 months later, and he pursued me and I gave him a 2nd chance because I loved him. That lasted only about six weeks, and he started to pull away again. I realized then that he's got serious commitment issues, and even though he's one of the most loving and caring person I know when he's committed, that phase doesn't last, and he would just run when things get serious. I was so devastated - the second time was actually worse than the first because I felt like a fool.

 

So I've been in strict NC for the last 3 months. I think about him all the time, but I'd force myself to think of something else. I'm still in pain, but it's getting better day by day (thanks to the this forum). But that email really just messed with my head. I want to respond, but I wonder what's the point? I still love him, but he really hurt me and I feel like I should protect myself by ignoring his email. But there's a part of me that wonders what's the harm in replying?

 

What should I do? Why do you think he's writing me?

[Fufu]

The thing that you ponder why he writes to you = you are still not over him completely.

 

I think the best is not to reply him at all... I know there's urge to reply.

 

Maybe, you can reply,

 

"Don't contact me anymore."

[Fern]

You've enough sense to know that probably nothing has changed about him. What would you need to change to make you trust that this relationship has a chance? Would couples counselling help? Would he be willing to do that to repair the relationship with you? Only you know what it would take to make you trust him again - or if that's even an option. Think long and carefully. Good luck.

[Livelovelearn]

Hi there,

 

Then we ran into each other 3 months later, and he pursued me and I gave him a 2nd chance because I loved him. That lasted only about six weeks, and he started to pull away again. I realized then that he's got serious commitment issues, and even though he's one of the most loving and caring person I know when he's committed, that phase doesn't last, and he would just run when things get serious. I was so devastated - the second time was actually worse than the first because I felt like a fool.

 

 

This has happened to me before, ex broke up with me, wasnt sure what he wanted ,felt suffocated (we broke up for couple months with contanct)then when i finally decided to let go, 2 weeks later he sent me an email saying he loved me and missed me. We got back together couple weeks after that email. Things were great for 3 months then the same problems came back (i was insecure because of things he did). Anyway point is, dont go back if you think you cannot solve the problem. You said he pursued you, let him work a little harder this time. If you do respond maybe keep it short and casual say thanks or something like that and how are you doing, nothing expressing you still love him as yet. If you feel he would be willing to work out the problems that broke you both up in the first place, then sure go ahead and try again, but dont make it too easy for him. You really do have to address your issues before you get back into a happy and healthy relationship with him.

[AlisaMarie]

You have been so strong. The on and off again cycle will probably continue. Just let it go. I don't know... I probably wouldn't be able to either... I would be curious, esp if you still love him. You have me stumped on what to do!

[Gt.ooh]

You've enough sense to know that probably nothing has changed about him. What would you need to change to make you trust that this relationship has a chance? Would couples counselling help? Would he be willing to do that to repair the relationship with you? Only you know what it would take to make you trust him again - or if that's even an option. Think long and carefully. Good luck.

 

I believe this would be the best answer...as YOU only know what it will take.

 

Make sure whatever you do it isn't rushed, and everything must be sincere on his part..like he really means what he says.

[baralan]

Thanks everyone.

 

Fern - the last time we got back together, he said he'd do whatever it took to earn my trust back. He did put in consistent effort for about 6 weeks, then overnight, he started to pull away. He's commitment phobic, and I think he needs therapy to get past that (he once asked me - "how do I get rid of this fear so I can commit"?) I don't know that I can wait around for that - therapy can take a long time.

 

So I emailed back after 3 days. It's a thank-you and a quick update about me (since he asked). Now I wish I didn't give any information. Why should he know anything about me? Yeah, his email read almost like a love letter, but then he did dump me. Arrrggh, why do my emotions see-saw back and forth like this? I don't like it.

 

We all want the dumper to reach out to us, but it ain't so fun when they do!