Messy Rebound, possible reconciliation situation

[AngersLove]

Hi all!

 

I'm new here, so you know, be gentle : )

 

My situation is a little complicated, but hopefully I can sum it up in under 50 pages for you, ha.

 

I was seeing this guy, let's call him, "Bruce," for about 7 months. It was a long-distance relationship and always had been. It moved really quickly, but intensely. We eventually broke up because he was going through a bunch of family problems, we both had school and work, and it was getting to the point where the distance on top of everything else was just too much, and we could barely see each other. We still loved each other, and neither of us really wanted to break up, but the timing wasn't right, and it just wasn't working out logistically.

 

A few weeks later I met a guy named, let's say, "Joe." I knew I wasn't over Bruce completely, but I was feeling better about the situation, and I figured, what could be the harm in casually seeing this guy? About two weeks into hanging out with Joe, Bruce comes into town (for unrelated reasons) and says he'd like to see me. I agree, we have a friendly lunch, and I feel good about the whole situation. Cut to the next night, Bruce is still in town, we'd both been out drinking some, he calls, we meet up and end up hooking up. The chemistry is still there in massive amounts, and we clearly both have feelings for each other still.

 

Cut to the morning after, recovering from the night before, we go to breakfast. Bruce mentions he's been thinking of moving here (though for other reasons that just me), that he's never gotten over me and he's not pursuing anything else.

 

Now here's where I'm having some trouble. I have decided that, for the sake of full disclosure, I need to tell Joe that I'm not looking for anything serious from him given that I just got out of this intense relationship (which he knows about, but we haven't discussed). But at the same time, I don't want to end things with Joe, just because there's a POSSIBILITY that Bruce might move into town. I've always said, if Bruce and I were ever in the same town at the same time that I'd like to give the relationship a real shot, sans long-distance, but he's not here yet, and he's only really considering the option.

 

I'm feeling conflicted and guilty (guilty I think because I kind of feel like I'm leading Joe on, but once I let him know the situation, I think some of that will be assuaged), and I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I'm considering the "wait-and-see" approach but that seems so passive. What should I do?

Edited November 1, 2010 by AngersLove
grammar

[iamawesome]

How about not rebounding? It sounds like you are looking for a quick fix.

 

I'll tell you what you need to do. Break things off with Joe and don't worry about the Bruce situation yet. Focus on yourself and have several people who can help keep you centered during your healing process.

 

When you invest in "Joe" instead of investing in yourself to heal, you are robbing yourself of important self-development and you are leading Joe on.

 

Once you properly heal then you can see where the Bruce situation is at.

 

Remember, only fools rush in.

[AngersLove]

Thanks for your reply, Awesome. I think in my heart of hearts I know that's what I should do, but I have the absolute hardest time cutting people loose.

 

I really do enjoy spending time with Joe, and I guess if I thought I let him know that I didn't want anything serious, and he wasn't looking for anything more either, it might work out. Anyway, Joe and I will have a nice long conversation soon, and I guess we'll see where that puts us.

 

Thanks again, I appreciate it : )

[iamawesome]

Even if its not "serious" you should still focus on friendship. Avoid relationship stuff like sex, holding each other, etc. You may not think you really want "Joe" now, but when you throw sex into the mix it will complicate your emotions and you may find yourself in a situation where you get hurt again. For example, you're not serious with "Joe" but would you get jealous if he was sleeping with another girl at the same time? Hurt can perpetuate hurt when you rush things.

 

Also you guys are sleeping together you are already in a relationship with him. A relationship is defined by the nature of interactions, not by consensus of labels. Try to transition into a more innocent date/flirty type friendship with him without crossing the line.

 

Good luck!

[AngersLove]

Actually, an "innocent date/flirty type friendship" sounds like exactly what I want with him right now! Now, to go about making the transition....

 

Thanks a lot, Awesome. Quality advice : )

[freeshrink]

Actually, an "innocent date/flirty type friendship" sounds like exactly what I want with him right now! Now, to go about making the transition

 

Sorry, Joe will lose interest and go find someone else. A woman can not keep a man on a hook indefinitely. I don't care what she has to offer.

[AngersLove]

Sorry, Joe will lose interest and go find someone else.

 

Alright, if he's not interested in having any kind of friendship, then that's his decision and I'll respect that. But it's not about "keeping him on a hook," it's about being friends instead of lovers.