Says she misses me, whether or not she wants to talk. Does she want me back?

[wingman2]

After nearly 4 weeks of NC my ex finally initiates contact with me and asks me if I've been thinking about her as much as she has been thinking about me.

 

I handled this very well by expressing a calm and confident attitude and telling her that I'm sorry things have been bugging her and that I have been thinking about her however I don't let it absorb my mind for I don't know what plans are in store for me and I want to leave my life open.

 

Well today she wrote me again saying that she misses me very much, incredibly much but is confused whether or not talking with me will make things more or less painful.

 

What is she trying to say? This is very odd because I've been trying to get back together with her, by using NC and focusing on myself. I have several books to help me out and I believed I would be first to contact her and normally when they contact it's just to check up but I honestly don't know what to think of all this.

 

In a way I see it as a really good sign but I just don't know. I feel like I need to be cautious and I do feel like I need a little bit more time to get my thoughts together. She made no mention of reconciliation, just that she misses me to death and is confused if talking to me would be the right thing to do. Could she be pointing towards reconciliation? If I do begin to talk with her how can I do so in a way that she doesn't back off from me again or reconsider? I don't even know how to respond to her message.

 

Could she possibly just be wanting to use me as a cushion to ease the pain of the breakup? I know in our last break up communicating as friends led to our reconciliation but at the same time we were only on a break then. I just don't know what would be the right action, whether I should begin talking to her again or not, but I definitely need a bit more time, how do I get that across to her? I need help.

[hopesndreams]

You don't need to get anything across to her. No need for explanations. NC.

 

If she wants to get back with you, she will let you know just that, otherwise, it's just checking up on you and those other things you mentioned.

 

Being friends with her at this point is not advisable. You are absolutely correct that she will back off from you again if you do. She'll only reconsider when she misses you and wonders about you and realizes she can't live without you. This can only be achieved when there is zero contact. Why worry about things that are bugging her? Why make it easy for her? Focus on you only.

[wingman2]

I know, that's why I feel like I need more time. I'm just scared that if I do give myself more time she might just begin to forget about me and move on. I do want this girl back very much and I honestly don't know what her intentions are, she may be indirectly telling me that she wants to get back together but I don't know. I know I need more time but I have to tell her something, I can't just come across as a jackass, that'll affirm her decision to have left me. I got 4 books, including the magic of making up so I might just tell her I need more time, time to think and I'll get back to her later. How does that sound? I'm just confused.

[hopesndreams]

Falling off the face of the earth is your best bet. Do not get suckered into the games. It's a guarantee that if you respond, she will respond with whatever it takes to keep you on the hook.

 

She has the power and knows it. Yes, she may be feeling some regret and missing you, even dumpers go through those feelings, but not to the same degree as dumpees. If you are in her life for when she feels like a chat, or has a problem, or any number of things, she will be using you to help herself move on.

[carhill]

When I gaze at the bed and all I see is the cat, that's all I need to know. Words are just carbon dioxide. Watch those actions, and stop listening to the words. They're meaningless.

[Ronni_W]

she wrote me again saying that she misses me very much, incredibly much but is confused whether or not talking with me will make things more or less painful.

Respond, "Thanks for letting me know. While you're still confused, pro'ly best for us to not be in contact. Wishing you well."

 

And then go strict NC (again.) That is, send a clear and firm message that you won't let her "confused" and "missing you incredibly much" feelings jerk you around or manipulate you into participating in back-and-forth communications that amount to nothing but meaningless drivel and bullcrap.

 

"I miss you incredibly much" Does she honestly believe you're that easily manipulated?

[wingman2]

Wish you had gotten to me sooner. I just ****ed it all up in my opinion. I wanted to tell her exactly that. I told her it'd be best for both of us that we remain low and to get back to me by Friday and we'll discuss it then.

 

The reason I said Friday was because it gave myself more time to get done with my classes this week and time to think and get my thoughts together. I chose a specific date because a friend of mine suggested that if I don't she might think I have no intention of ever talking to her again.

 

Problem is I feel like it backfired one me. Due to me suggesting friday she ends the session by saying "ok I'll give you time but we'll talk about it later" Notice how she completely changed it from we'll talk about it friday to we'll talk about it later like if she's in charge? Ugh I'm tired, but yeah I feel like I've ****ed it all up.

[Ronni_W]

No, you didn't eff it all up.

Didn't necessarily do the best possible thing...but didn't eff it all up, either.

 

It's fine if she needs to think she's somehow gained the "upper hand" -- lt her play her own silly mind games with herself.

She won't actually have the upper hand unless you let her have it. So, you're good as long as, in your own mind, you know for 100% sure that you're not gonna fall for her drivel-filled sentiments next time.

 

Now, you could have said, "Yes, if by 'later' you mean Friday, then we'll talk later." But it's still fine.

More important is your plan for whenever you do talk again. IMO, your first question wants to be, "Are you still all confused about talking with me?" And if she is, then you want to cut things off right there. You tell her you can't help with that, so she needs to sort it out first.

And then just go NC (again.)

 

Good luck.

[EthanH]

I know, that's why I feel like I need more time. I'm just scared that if I do give myself more time she might just begin to forget about me and move on.

 

Honestly, look at what you wrote. I think it shows something which is wrong with how you see things. I know it is a natural feeling. As soon as I get anything of hope from my ex, I jump on it, I have this feeling that time is ticking and that I need to do something about it before she 'changes her mind'... look at what you wrote... that you need more time... are you scared that if you give yourself more time you will 'forget about her and move on'? Of course you don't, because you know you love her still. Why should you think any differently for her? If she loves you, she loves you, and within reason, no matter of time is not going to change that.

 

I have realised that the one major thing that hampers people who want to get back with someone is the feeling that they HAVE to do something. It's about power. If you want something so much, as you want her, as I want my ex, doing nothing almost seems absurd, but it isn't...why not take an alternative view:

 

if she knows you like her. let he do the panicking. let her be the one thinking, 'oh but he might forget about me'... that is a very powerful feeling, and lets face it, if she broke up with you, she should think that there is a good chance of that. Stop selling yourself too short. As long as she knows you still care about her (which I'm guessing she does) let her make the decision. People will say, 'oh but she could just think it is over and try to accept that'... do you really want to be with someone like that?...she might have doubts, but if she wants you back she will not be able to put you out of her head, she might try, but it won't work...

 

Give yourself more respect, and she will respect you more for that.

[wingman2]

Now she's asking if not talking to her has been bugging me. Wut do I say? Help =[

[hopesndreams]

Say nothing. No response says it all. If you respond, just keep expecting more of the same until eventually she tires of it and no longer contacts you, because you helped her move on.

[Ronni_W]

Now she's asking if not talking to her has been bugging me. Wut do I say? Help =[

Yes, definitely...no response is your best defense.

 

But. You wanna say something to her, dontcha? And you're gonna, aintcha?

So, you say, "No, it doesn't bug me at all. Why would it? You're confused and I get that. Take all the time that you need to unconfuse yourself. Please. I'm gonna be doing what I'm doing regardless."