Jump to content

New here...aching heart over this one


MsCrazyDaze

Recommended Posts

The man I was with for 3 years and broke up with for 2 years is twisting my heart and i need some feedback...please.

I will do my best to keep this brief, forgive me if i fail at it.

I was with "X" for 3 years. We had our issues, as everyone does, but we loved each other fiercely. I am 39, he is 43, just thought i'd mention that..lol.

Here it goes:It was my choice to 'take a break' so i could get myself together (i had health and extended family issues and i was just a mess) without bringing the whole ship down, so to speak. I started spiraling into a severe depression and when he called me a few times to ask to get together, I told him NO. He was not always the most supportive person, as he had his own issues to deal with, and I loved him, but i knew i needed to focus on myself. The calls stopped after a few months, and then before i knew it, a year and a half had gone by. I always wondered about him, but, as I got stronger, I really missed him. I dated others, I heard he was too, so, I never attempted any contact.

Last September, I heard through a very reliable source that he had told them he was still in love with me and that I broke his heart. I felt so bad about that. I was more than a little happy to hear that he still felt that way about me, but I also heard he was dating someone, so I left it alone. Well, I started wondering, and decided (in nov.) to look him up on FB. There he was, and i sent him a brief message telling him he'd been on my mind lately and i hoped he was doing well. He responded and friend requested me. So, sure, why not? Well, he commented on a few of my posts, and left me his cell number if i ever wanted to get in touch with him.

Last week, I decided to call and say hello. When i called the number, it was out of service, so I dropped him a note on FB and told him i just wanted to talk, and he could call me if he liked. That same day, he replied to my message, said he had a new job and was using their phone and would try me later.

Fast forward to that same day, around 2 and here comes a phone call from him. We talked briefly, found out neither of us was seeing anyone and he said he'd talk to me soon.

He calls me again an hour later and asks if i want to come over and talk on my way home. I told him i'd let him know when i got home, as we were expecting over a foot of snow.

So, i called him, told him i'd be over and wondered if i'd still feel the same when i saw him. I did. We talked and laughed. He apologized for his crap, i apologized for mine. He asked me if i wanted to date him again or just be his 'boytoy' (he can be silly at times). I said, i would like to date him again.

Well, we ended up remeniscing (sp) ourselves right into the bedroom. We went back downstairs to talk some more and check out the 'snow situation' and he asked me to stay. I told him i needed to go b/c the roads were bad and i had to park at my house so i had a spot. He said 'i'm afraid of you now' and i gave him a weird look and he said' i'm afraid you'll hurt me again, i'm afraid to let my guard down'. I didn't know what to say, except that i wouldn't. He cleaned off my car and asked me to call him when i got home.

When i did get home, i called and he asked me if i regretted what we had done, i said 'of course not, do you' and he said no. I asked him if it was just a 'romp' and he said 'that's up to you'. I said, 'no, i told you i wanted us to date again'. He said, 'sounds good, let's take it slow and see what happens."

I didn't know if i was reading too much into that statement, so i pushed it aside and went to bed.

We saw each other again that Sunday (superbowl) and i spent the night. After we had been 'together' i was feeling 'squishy', so i asked him 'what is it that we are doing here' and he said 'baby, the ball's in your court'. Ok, sounds good, right?

In the morning, we get up, he gets ready for work and i leave. I feel weird all day. He had said he'd call me later and i was done work by 9 pm with no call. I leave him a VM telling him i want to stop by to pick up my wine key for work and a bottle of wine i left there (i really did....lol). When i get there, he's playing a video game with his son's friend and we go out to the kitchen to talk and he helps me find my wine key. Something prompted me to ask him 'hey, are we ok, here" and he says ' i feel weird. i don't know how i feel about this. it's been a long time and you really hurt me.I just don't know if i can let my guard down.I need a few days to thing about things". I try not to throw up on the floor as i feel my heart sink to my feet.

I asked him if that is the real issue, and he says, 'yes, that's the only thing holding me back, that i'm afraid you'll crush me again and i just don't know if i can let my guard down again". So, we hug and i leave and burst into tears on the way home.

I sent him a FB message saying i will respect his wishes and give him the time he asked for and that no matter what i love him. Now, i have to sit here and wait and wonder if i made a HUGE mistake after i worked so hard to keep myself 'safe' by staying single for the past ;7 months. I know i can't do anything, i just was hoping for some feedback from someone who might have 'beentheredonethat'. I am dreading the phone call from him, b/c i'm terrified he's going to tell me that 'ill always have feelings for you, but, i just can't do this' and i'm going to want to die on the spot.

Thanks for reading this. Any suggestions or just comments would be appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The Paper Knight

Hi MissCrazyDaze, well I have been there, although quite some time ago. It was my first love so when it ended after a year, I was quietly devastated and spent allot of time pining for her. When the wounds eventually healed I had on a new suit of armor, which allowed me to have relationships without being intimate or becoming emotionally attached.

 

Then after several years (I think around 6 years!), my ex seduced me and we started a relationship again. At first we had fun and it felt good, but then after a few months I realized I had no feelings for her what so ever. I was like the straw man with no heart. So I told her the truth about how she hurt me so badly in the past that I could not find it in myself to trust her and open up ever again. So that was it. I walked away and never look back, we kept in contact, but I new deep down I could never go back to her.

 

 

I am not saying it’s impossible, but you have to help him take off his suit of armor.

 

Good luck

Link to post
Share on other sites

Give him time. Don't rush into this. Let him slowly see that you're not going to break his heart again.....or at least that you're not intending to. He's scared and so are you. Maybe jumping into bed isn't the best idea - start dating - relearn eachother and rebuild his trust in you. Good luck. Sounds like he's a good guy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...