The dumper wants her back

[kirk205]

I am looking for advice on what I should do to get my ex girlfriend back. We were together 8 months and I broke up with her a month ago. We both slowly drifted away for a few weeks before the breakup, I was upset at some minor problems and she was upset because by ex, my wife I left a year ago wouldn't sign the divorce papers. She thought she couldn't plan a future with me, the day before the breakup I found out my wife would sign the papers, and I told her this during the breakup, she said that changed everything, but my mind was already made up. I did the breakup in person and said we weren't right for each other. She begged and cried for me not to do it, and I shouldn't have, but I didn't realize it till 2 weeks ago. We were no contact for a month.

 

I've been thinking about how wrong I was for a few weeks and finally called her 4 days ago. The call lasted an hour and was tear filled for 90% of it by her. I told her how wrong I was and she said she couldn't be with me "Right now". I sent her an email asking if we could at least be friends, and ask if she wanted her stuff back (a pillow and plate). The next day she sent me an email saying she found an old pair of ripped shorts in her closet and asked if I wanted them back. I replied with yes. She replied about her working the next 9 days and that she would let me know when she could switch.

 

I emailed back thanking her that we could at least be civil, and apologizing for making her cry the other night and saying I know how hard it is for her to work that many days in a row. Yesterday, I send her 2 dozen roses to her work with the note saying that I love her, she's awesome, and I'm sorry. She replied back last night with "Thank you for the flowers, they're beautiful." A little while ago she sent an email saying that she has a lot of unanswered questions. That her schedule was crazy for the next week, that she would talk to me, but after next weekend when she is going away with her friends. and "I make no promises about what the outcome will be, but if you really do still love me then I need your patience and understanding. You hurt me so much and you know how hard it has been for me to trust you in the first place, let alone after all this. I just need time."

 

I don't want to mess this up, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. Should I not do anything for the next week, just email nice little letters, do something else? I love her and am scared I messed it up too bad. I'll make sure to update this thread even after everything is resolved to help anyone else in a close situation.

 

Thanks for reading this far if you did.

[CaliGuy]

I am looking for advice on what I should do to get my ex girlfriend back. We were together 8 months and I broke up with her a month ago. We both slowly drifted away for a few weeks before the breakup, I was upset at some minor problems and she was upset because by ex, my wife I left a year ago wouldn't sign the divorce papers. She thought she couldn't plan a future with me

 

Don't blame her. She had every right to be upset about that.

 

, the day before the breakup I found out my wife would sign the papers, and I told her this during the breakup,

 

Odd timing, don't you think?!

 

she said that changed everything, but my mind was already made up.

 

And why was your mind made up?

 

I did the breakup in person and said we weren't right for each other.

 

If a woman said that to me, that'd be all I needed to know. I wouldn't be back, no matter what.

 

She begged and cried for me not to do it, and I shouldn't have, but I didn't realize it till 2 weeks ago.

 

So what you are saying is you made an EMOTIONAL decision to leave, not an educated decision based on incompatibilities, etc?! In other words, you screwed up. So when she begged you to reconsider you decided to ignore her?

 

Oooook.

 

We were no contact for a month.

 

I've been thinking about how wrong I was for a few weeks and finally called her 4 days ago. The call lasted an hour and was tear filled for 90% of it by her. I told her how wrong I was and she said she couldn't be with me "Right now".

 

Do you blame her? I don't.

 

I sent her an email asking if we could at least be friends, and ask if she wanted her stuff back (a pillow and plate). The next day she sent me an email saying she found an old pair of ripped shorts in her closet and asked if I wanted them back. I replied with yes. She replied about her working the next 9 days and that she would let me know when she could switch.

 

I emailed back thanking her that we could at least be civil, and apologizing for making her cry the other night and saying I know how hard it is for her to work that many days in a row. Yesterday, I send her 2 dozen roses to her work with the note saying that I love her, she's awesome, and I'm sorry.

 

This was a mistake.

 

She replied back last night with "Thank you for the flowers, they're beautiful." A little while ago she sent an email saying that she has a lot of unanswered questions. That her schedule was crazy for the next week, that she would talk to me, but after next weekend when she is going away with her friends. and "I make no promises about what the outcome will be, but if you really do still love me then I need your patience and understanding. You hurt me so much and you know how hard it has been for me to trust you in the first place, let alone after all this. I just need time."

 

Leave her alone and give her time. If you PRESSURE her into coming back she will run the other direction. Leave her be.

 

By the way, the roses were a mistake. If you wanted to prove that you are sorry and that you made a mistake, you don't send gifts. You get off you’re a$$, find her and apologize to her face. MAN UP, DUDE!

 

I don't want to mess this up, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

 

If this is the case, why did you walk away? You do not walk away from someone you love.

 

Should I not do anything for the next week, just email nice little letters, do something else?

 

She asked for time and space. Give it to her. Let her wonder what you are up to instead of removing all doubt. Give her time to MISS you. Don't pester her or chase, beg or otherwise pursue until she shows signs of mutual interest. And even then, don't beg. Apologize, tell her you want to work things out. If she feels the same way, she will let you know.

 

I love her and am scared I messed it up too bad.

 

Well duh!

 

I'll make sure to update this thread even after everything is resolved to help anyone else in a close situation.

 

Thanks for reading this far if you did.

 

So lesson learned: Work out your problems before pulling anchor and sailing away. What you've basically shown her is that you have easily taken her for granted. She knows that if you walked away this easily, you can/will do it again. She is taking her time to evaluate if you are the right guy for her.

 

And frankly, don't be surprised if she says no. SHE is in the drivers seat now, not you. There is NOTHING you can do to make her love you or to change her feelings. You have made your intentions clear. Now you just have to wait and see if her heart changes. If it does, it will be on it's own.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT SEND LETTERS, CARDS, GIFTS or otherwise PURSUE her. She is well aware of what you want. Now is the time to let her be free to choose to come to you (which is what you want) or let her be free to find someone who will not take her for granted.

 

Cheers.

[TheLoneSock]

I agree with pretty much everything CaliGuy said. This makes me wonder, are some people just plain thick headed? We've all heard Cinderella's ballad 'Don't Know What You Got', but that seems to be the actual case for many people. Inability to see what's in front of you. Thick headed is the only way to describe it.

[kirk205]

Thanks for your posts, but, I screwed up and went by her house. I was really messed up and couldn't take the NC. It didn't turn out bad, but I will maintain NC until she gets back from vacation. We talked for an hour, about everything, I thought it would be the last time I ever talked to her, so I wanted to get everything said and try to make her feel better.

 

She is 29, a career woman, and I have been her first serious relationship, she lost her virginity to me. I've never been with anyone like her before. She said she was able to put me out of her head a few days after the breakup and focus on work. With her being busy at work, she isn't able to process her feelings right now and she will think about it while her and her friends are on vacation this weekend. She didn't know what to say because she think about it much and didn't understand her feelings.

 

We were joking by the end about her wanting a copy of my divorce papers and since her friends don't like me I would need to send them flowers too, so I'm hoping for the best. I know she still loves me, but with her not able to process her feelings, I worry that she will just move on and focus on her career more.

 

Thanks for reading, I won't screw up again and contact her. I'm not able to move things to the back of my thoughts, I wish I was able to understand that and could figure out what will happen. I will know the answer in 7-8 days.

[kirk205]

It worked! I didn't call and only sent emails replying to hers. We had a great day yesterday, it looks like we are back together, the love is still there. I will work my hardest to make the relationship work, she means the world to me and I wish I would have known how much she means a month ago.

[Limbo21]

Congrats Kirk. Now don't do it again. Revel in your happiness and all the best

 

How much did all the flowers cost to her friends btw?