Regretting letting my ex go - Thoughts?

[quarterlifecrisis]

This is my first time posting to the forums, but I have been reading up on various users' experiences for the past few weeks. I'm not really sure why I'm sharing, as I feel as my situation is quite hopeless at this point (and completely my fault), but perhaps someone can offer some insight that I haven't been able to grasp yet. Much appreciated to people that provide actionable, thought out comments.

 

My Situation:

 

I started dating this girl 2.5 years ago, and our relationship started out really great. About a year in, I hit my quarter-life crisis and started questioning everything. Where did I want my life to go? Where did I want to live? Was she the right one for right now or the future? My own confusion and insecurities led me to rationalize my way out of the relationship.

 

I kept thinking that I was a young, goodlooking, popular, very successful/ambitious guy that had many more "prime" dating years left. I was curious and even though I really really liked this girl, I told her that I wasn't sure I could see us ultimately ending up together. .

 

Eventually, I ignored my feelings and let my mind confuse the hell out of me. We broke up and remained friends, and throughout the next year she always wanted to get back together. I was afraid I would hurt her again, but I also couldn't stay away. She was an awesome girl, hot, fun, funny, compassionate, totally committed, and was willing to wait for me. She told me straight up she would give me a year to get my **** together. We ended up basically dating another year and a half without an official bf/gf title, where we were both "single" but still exclusively saw each other. I was commitment-phobic and always told her that I was afraid I was going to hurt her even though she meant the world to me. We had an otherwise amazing relationship, but I think she was always paranoid that any given day I would leave her. Things were too grey without the titles.

 

I take full responsibility for being commitment-phobic and indecisive. In the end, after she gave me MORE than a year to figure things out, we finally decided to be friends. Immediately after, about 1.5 months ago, she started dating another guy. Of course, I immediately realized what I lost (funny how life works that way), and have been depressed ever since.

 

I tried speaking to her about another chance on multiple occasions but I know I came off as desperate, needy, and unattractive. She told me she was committed to moving on finally and that she had waited way too long. She was over me and the romantic feelings faded. Logically, it all makes sense and I want to be happy for her. I couldn't give her what she wanted, and I was a confused idiot for over a year. This is what I deserve, and there are many lessons from this. Now that I'm ready to commit, she's already with someone else that was ready to commit from the start, so why should she give me another chance?

 

However, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I have always thought of myself as a strong guy, who takes what he wants and has a lot of direction/confidence. This has all imploded and I cannot sleep or eat. I think about her constantly and wish I could have made things right. I feel guilty and cannot forgive myself for taking her for granted and eventually pushing her away. I've thought some pretty perverse thoughts, like if she would even care if I got hurt in a car accident. She was so patient and loving and was almost ready to do anything to stay with me at one point...it's incredibly hard for me to let go at this point.

 

About 3 weeks ago, I told her I needed space and initiated NC. We accidentally ran into each other about 1.5 weeks ago and chatted for a few minutes, so I guess I'm back to 1.5 weeks.

 

Questions:

 

1. Can girls really get over someone that quickly? A week before the new guy we were still affectionate and talked everyday. I've read that many girls begin pulling away for months before the "official" split though. Or do you think she's saying that more to convince herself and/or make me leave her alone?

 

2. What, if any chances, do people think that NC will eventually make her miss me? How long does it normally take, 1-2 months? I've heard that girls start missing their ex's and feel a sense of loss after about a month. When I first told her I was going NC, she seemed sad, and said that she wanted to keep talking and also asked how long I was going to be gone for when I was insistent. Or am I already completely screwed based on previous history and also demonstrating desperation after she told me about the guy? She also has this new guy to satisfy her emotional and physical needs. Also, she does seem to move on fast, as I started dating her 3 weeks after her last ex.

 

3. I've been trying really hard to fix myself and make myself attractive again. Working out, going out and partying, lined up some vacations. How long does NC normally take to heal a broken heart?

 

4. If I was to re-initiate contact, do folks think I should wait it out for a few months? Until I am completely healed and able to be much more attractive and/or have dated other women? Or should I try to make something happen after 1 month of NC. She's likely still going to be with this guy.

 

5. Any recommended books to read? I've read "Getting Your Ex Back", "Ex2 System", and "Magic of Making Up". Not sure if these are just scams that are giving me false hope or if this stuff can actually work.

 

Thanks in advance for people's comments.

[Weezy]

Hey Buddy,

 

Been in your shoes exactly. Dated hot, cool, funny, sweet, loving, cooking, cleaning, encouraging girl and I didn't commit to a relationship for over a year.

 

Then along came Mr. Commitment and I watched her just change and eventually leave. Pushing her to be my GF just made it way worse.

 

So what I've got to say isn't what your gonna want to hear, but if it kills you, I'd follow this advice.

 

1# Your not gonna heal in a month, sorry to say. It's a longer, gradual process.

 

2# You need to give her space. If she contacts you, that's great, but basically your now in a tug of war with this new dude. Obviously since he was in the picture when you still were, she has genuine interest.

 

3# If you've already to her how you feel, no reason to chase her. NC will make her miss you, there is no doubt. But there are other factors you cannot control at this point. The power has shifted, you're no-longer holding the cards

 

4# You need to give at least 1 month if not more of NC to have any chance. Try and not run into her at all if possible, just be a mystery. If you guys had a quality relationship, she will reach out to you, you cannot replace 2.5 years in 1 or 2 months.

[NopeNah]

Been there myself. In essence she had over a year with you to slowly faze those feelings out. Thus why it seems she moved on so quickly. You actually helped her move on. You have to cut all contact now. Wish her well if you must and start living your life. If she comes back, Great! If not, you're ahead of the game in moving on. Good luck!

[quarterlifecrisis]

Thanks Weezy, Praying4Daylight for the advice.

 

Just curious, how did things turn out for you. Was there ever any reconciliation or did you just end up moving on to the point where you eventually no longer cared?

[NopeNah]

I got back together with my ex after 4 months. That lasted only a month before I ended it(2wks ago). When you "lose" that person, you tend to remember only the good things about them(at least I did). Once she wanted to come back, I took some time to think and decided to give it a go..MISTAKE!! She was still the same selfish,controlling, high strung person she was all along. Nothing had changed with her, at all! Funny thing is our 5 yr anniv. is on Saturday. I've got tickets to a show and a $500 dollar necklace setting here on my desk as I type this. No refunds-exchanges only...WOOPS! Guess I'll get myself a new piece of jewelry and hammered at the show.

[Weezy]

Well, I've gotten back with Ex's lots of times, and every time I'd go NC.

 

On this particular case, we also owned a business together so NC wasn't even close to an option, instead I spent the next 7 months working with this girl 40 hours a week in a home office while she was getting texts and stuff from her new guy.. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in life because I knew I could have changed it all by making her my GF.. now that it's all over though we have been in Biz for over 4 years now, and that guy and her are engaged. I finally got my revenge when he cheated on her and she ended up throwing herself at me and I was like nope... not gonna happen.

 

NC is really a blessing in disguise. While it doesn't make it easy, when you have to see someone or when you try and talk to people to get them to take you back, you induce the pain of the initial breakup all over again..

[LisaUk]

Hi, can I suggest you read He's Scared She's Scared by Steven Carter and also get a qualified therapist who has dealt with CP before. My guess here is that you only want this women now b/c of your CP, you want her b/c you can't have her. Perhaps I am being unfair, maybe you have really realised that you made a mistake? But if you are CP, has that suddenly disappered?

 

Having been on the recieving end of a CP (he left me 6 months ago, two weeks after we set the date to marry, after 18 years together), I can't express to you how much it hurts. If you really do love and care for this women and she is happy with another, please let her go. Please also get yourself into therapy so that in the future you can experience the wonder and joy of true intimacy with someone else. If she isn't happy and in the mean time you get yourself better, who knows, you may get back together.

 

Just one more thing and this is so important, please, please, make sure you tell her that this was not her fault, I am still beating myself up 6 months on and I think a part of me will always wonder if this was all my fault, my ex will not even consider the possibility that he is CP he has layed ALL the blame at my feet, that hurts, it really does.

[alexxx]

You are probably not going to like my answers, but I'll try to be as honest as I can.

 

1. Can girls really get over someone that quickly? A week before the new guy we were still affectionate and talked everyday. I've read that many girls begin pulling away for months before the "official" split though. Or do you think she's saying that more to convince herself and/or make me leave her alone?

 

She didn't get over you "that quickly". It took her OVER A YEAR (of you ignoring her) to realize that she's had enough humiliation. I can't even believe she waited that long. It is unreasonable to believe that anybody would wait for us for years while we are ignoring them.

 

And, believe me, she is not playing games. She is just dating another guy; isn't that normal.

 

2. What, if any chances, do people think that NC will eventually make her miss me? How long does it normally take, 1-2 months? I've heard that girls start missing their ex's and feel a sense of loss after about a month. When I first told her I was going NC, she seemed sad, and said that she wanted to keep talking and also asked how long I was going to be gone for when I was insistent.

 

She will miss you as a friend, and she will miss the time you spent together. But she will not want to get back to her. Even if she does at some point, that relationship isn't gonna last.

 

Now, I am basing my opinion on statistics, by reading the stories on this board. It is a puzzle for me how can a girl miss somebody, and not want to get back with him. Women are different in this regard. Once they leave, they are GONE.

 

3. I've been trying really hard to fix myself and make myself attractive again. Working out, going out and partying, lined up some vacations. How long does NC normally take to heal a broken heart?

 

While it's definitely great to work on oneself to become a "better person", this will never get your ex back. There are so many guys out there looking good, working out, partying, etc., but she isn't interested in any of them.

 

The only way to get her back is to reignite the spark, but that cannot be done by building up the muscles. Actually, reigniting the spark is impossible (once is gone).

 

4. If I was to re-initiate contact, do folks think I should wait it out for a few months? Until I am completely healed and able to be much more attractive and/or have dated other women? Or should I try to make something happen after 1 month of NC. She's likely still going to be with this guy.

 

If you are really trying to become a "better person" then respect her new relationship and leave her and her guy alone. If she wants to contact you, she will do so.

 

5. Any recommended books to read? I've read "Getting Your Ex Back", "Ex2 System", and "Magic of Making Up". Not sure if these are just scams that are giving me false hope or if this stuff can actually work.

 

These are just scams.

[quarterlifecrisis]

Weezy, I'd love to hear more about your experiences getting ex's back with NC. You seem to be one of the most successful from reading this forum.

 

My fear is that I already tanked it by not exiting gracefully. I called her several times and talked to her in person about how sad/jealous I was and how I wished that she would give me another shot. This is obviously very beta male and unattractive.

 

With NC, were you actually able to force yourself to give up? Or did you consciously apply NC as a means to getting back. Basically, when your ex's came crawling back, were you hoping for it or was it more of a surprise?

 

LisaUK, rest assured that I never blamed her. I told her both during and after that I created this mess and she had been more patient than anyone I had ever dealt with. Maybe that's also one of the reasons I'm taking this harder than other breakups. I've always been angry or resentful, but this time around, I do accept that I am harvesting what I have sowed. She did nothing wrong, and all the pain I'm feeling is a result of my own stupid actions.

 

Alexxx, thanks for the honest, if brutal response. Can you refer me to some of the statistics you mention? Also, she wanted to stay in contact this whole time, be "best friends", etc. She never asked me for space and wanted to keep hanging out. Does this change anything? I guess it could just be emotional attachment and her using me as training wheels to ease into the next guy.

 

It's just damn hard accepting that it's over, especially after the times she kept asking ME to take HER back...but I guess a man has to live with his own decisions. This is what I "thought" I wanted, but now I'm a complete trainwreck. If only I took her up when I had the chance.

[LisaUk]

Hi, I'm really relieved to hear that you did not do as my ex did and lay it all on her, it's heartbreaking beyond words to experience that. I'm sorry to hear that you have to take the blame for it all quarter, that must hurt a lot. Take what you can from this and seek help for your CP, so that when you meet someone else you want to spend your liife with in the future, you will be able to give yourself fully and enjoy all that true intimacy brings.

[LostLozz]

Hi,

 

I am currently on the receiving end of a CP relationship. Please check out my thread on the breaks, breaking up page. - CP Boyfriend...have i scared him off again...NC part 2.

 

I am willing to give you advice and I hope you can shed some light on my sad state of affairs. My ex boyfriend of 1 and a half years is a CP. He pushed me away, hurt me beyond belief and made me change my mind about him. I saw him as this wonderful man and then it changed to him being cruel in the ways of him pushing me away.

I know that he never hurt me intentionally but he was blind to the pain that he was causing me. He never could express his feelings and this drove me insane.

 

I have to agree with the above posts. It sounds like she has weened herself off of you slowly after the past year. In her mind she probably admitted defeat.

 

Please read "Men who can't love". It opened my eyes to CP behaviour and I have passed this to my ex to hopefully enlighten him.

 

The only way that you can get her back is by showing her that you arre a truly changed man. You need to seek professional help, therapy, counselling etc.

I would have recommended chasing her to the end of the earth and doing all the actions instead of the words, because that is exactly what I want.

 

Chances are she was fighting the feelings to fall out of love with you. I know I am. I am hating the thought that I have to supress my love for him because he has issues and doesn't know what he wants. I know I was great to him and your girl knew that too. You took her for granted and you need to show her by actions that you will do anything to show her that you are a changed man.

 

I wish you the very best of luck. By reading this, I know I will definately not be waiting around for my ex for a bloody year...She must have been a saint!!!

[jb1173]

Please go see a shrink and leave this poor woman alone. I think you've caused quite enough heartache. Just leave her alone.

[001bh]

Therapy and self help books are a waste of time and money. Get over your selfishness. You pushed her away, you made her wait a year. Now she's gone and guess why? You messed up. She figured out how to move on, now you need to do the same. Sorry for being harsh but I'm on the receiving end of this kind of situation. Got pushed further and further away and got the "i want you in my future, but I need time and space" crap. It's a F&*%(%! emotional nightmare to go through this. Now you're getting a taste of your own medicine. It will be a little less painful if you just cut all connections.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

Now, I am basing my opinion on statistics, by reading the stories on this board. It is a puzzle for me how can a girl miss somebody, and not want to get back with him. Women are different in this regard. Once they leave, they are GONE.

 

Lol so not true.

 

 

The only way to get her back is to reignite the spark, but that cannot be done by building up the muscles. Actually, reigniting the spark is impossible (once is gone).

 

Wrong again.

 

Don't speak in absolutes when giving advice to others, especially if they are based on statistics you have no solid link or source for.

 

Giving false info is just as bad as giving false hope (which is what I suspect you were trying to avoid?)

[quarterlifecrisis]

Folks, I appreciate the candid honest assessment but not the disrespectful attitude. My posting here is to ask for advice and I am trying to own up to my mistakes and become a better person. Simply telling me I was a jacka@# points to your own anger/insecurities. Let's play nice and try to help each other heal and grow.

 

I'm now on day 17 of NC and certainly improving. Weezy, Praying, would still love to hear more about how your multiple stories played out. Both NC that got them back and when it didn't, especially when another guy was involved.

 

I know that I shouldn't hope for her back, but I have to say, it helps motivate the NC. Maybe one day I'll wake up and realize that I don't want her back anymore, and everything is for the best. But today, thinking that NC may eventually get me another chance and allow me to rectify my mistakes actually makes me stronger.

[Beyond Broken]

Well you know me. I am living proof that NC works. It took about a month of NC. When I finally got the "Hey" text. I waited a few hours, said hey back, and then more and more contact. until we met and eventually got back together. However, I do believe that this new guy she was with, broke up with her. I don't have any proof to back it up. But thats what I think happened. And what makes my situation different than yours is my ex was a horrible person. Very rude disrespectful angry bad person. But drop dead gorgeous. So I was hoping I could change her. And I cant. I can only change myself. And we stayed together for about 3-4 months before all the horrible stuff came back. So just hang in there and stick to NC. Whether you get her back or not. It's best that you do that.

 

Also, have you put away everything that reminds you of her? everything? Because its bad when your having a good day to be reminded of her...

 

I had to buy new sheets, a new car, etc....

[quarterlifecrisis]

Yeah it's been 3 weeks now since our last accidental contact. 4.5 weeks since the last real conversation. It's certainly getting better - I feel like I've gotten back some of the power because I'm not a sniveling crying idiot anymore.

 

At the same time, heard she was asking mutual friends how I was doing.

 

Gotta stick with the NC.

 

I got rid of everything she gave me. Boxed it all up. I haven't bought a new car or sheets, but coincidentally I was going to upgrade the former. Also thinking about moving to a new pad. Think that will help get rid of the lingering memories...

[bluestraps]

heres some advice

going through this right now

 

Q...1.

Can girls really get over someone that quickly? A week before the new guy we were still affectionate and talked everyday. I've read that many girls begin pulling away for months before the "official" split though. Or do you think she's saying that more to convince herself and/or make me leave her alone?

 

A.... 1.

This is just like me although a lot more complicated. My ex girlfriends new guy is also MY FRIEND. or was.. i know she was pulling away for a while which was confirmed by her and him. Now they are togther. It all depends on your situation. In a way it is a rebound . She is using the new relationship to get over yours, so I dont believe she is totaly over you yet.

 

if the new guy has more to offer her then you may be out of luck. In My case I know all the details on the other guy so I know where I stand better.

_____________________________________________________________

 

Q. 2.

What, if any chances, do people think that NC will eventually make her miss me? How long does it normally take, 1-2 months? I've heard that girls start missing their ex's and feel a sense of loss after about a month. When I first told her I was going NC, she seemed sad, and said that she wanted to keep talking and also asked how long I was going to be gone for when I was insistent. Or am I already completely screwed based on previous history and also demonstrating desperation after she told me about the guy? She also has this new guy to satisfy her emotional and physical needs. Also, she does seem to move on fast, as I started dating her 3 weeks after her last ex.

 

A. 2

The psycology behind NC is that she will become more currious about how you feel and what you are doing. She has the power now. If you have indeed not contacted her, you are building mystery around you . and this should even out the ballance of power.

 

1 or 2 months... thats too long try about 3 weeks

 

No telling how long is too long. I've read 3 months is too long, (she may get over you) its not like shes all alone now. She is like you say getting her needs met.

 

If you can find the guy and scare the guy off somehow.(some guys just want some fun..not looking for serious relationship) Then she may feel very bad and come right back to you . Thats how I did it when my ex girlfriend and I broke up before.

 

________________________________________________________________

 

Q3.

I've been trying really hard to fix myself and make myself attractive again. Working out, going out and partying, lined up some vacations. How long does NC normally take to heal a broken heart?

 

A.3

NC will make it worse ! youll be wondering if you went NC for too long. The length of the relationship may give an indication . try half the time or maybe longer depending on how you handle it. Keep positive, keep fit !!

You need to fully get away and give up ON HER for that healing .

yOU WILL NEVER KNOW UNTILL YOU GET HER BACK

 

_____________________________________________________________

Q4.

If I was to re-initiate contact, do folks think I should wait it out for a

few months? Until I am completely healed and able to be much more attractive and/or have dated other women? Or should I try to make something happen after 1 month of NC. She's likely still going to be with this guy.

 

A.4

a few months is too long. no longer that month and 1/2. Anymore I think let the person know how you feel > I hate all these games call, dont call, text, dont text I guess i would wait one month Usualy if they want you they will contact you

 

 

Look for contact from her first after a few weeks. If she really thinks you are hurting she may call sooner. This is why I am thinking dont let the breakup happen in the first place. You need to keep your love by your side Look for signs they are unhappy and keep good communication. Its so hard to fix any of this

 

___________________________________________________________

 

Q.5

Any recommended books to read? I've read "Getting Your Ex Back", "Ex2 System", and "Magic of Making Up". Not sure if these are just scams that are giving me false hope or if this stuff can actually work.

 

A.5

"Magic of Making up". it is a good guide, but it depends on the relationship situation . IF another person is involved . The other person may get over the old relationship. The books say one month . but how can you get fit , change habbits in one month

You are essentialy improving yourself and starting the stages of attraction all over again once you contact your ex, that is if the ex is free to date.

check the bookstores for real help from real experts

 

For me my relationship was 10 years long .I had more chances than i can count to keep it going but I waited too long . If you get her back keep her happy and comitt or you may lose her again

[alexxx]

Originally Posted by alexxx

Now, I am basing my opinion on statistics, by reading the stories on this board. It is a puzzle for me how can a girl miss somebody, and not want to get back with him. Women are different in this regard. Once they leave, they are GONE.

 

Lol so not true.

 

Nice contra argument "Lol so not true".

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by alexxx

The only way to get her back is to reignite the spark, but that cannot be done by building up the muscles. Actually, reigniting the spark is impossible (once is gone).

 

Wrong again.

 

 

What an excellent argument!

 

 

Giving false info is just as bad as giving false hope (which is what I suspect you were trying to avoid?)

 

How was above false?

 

All I said was: "Reigniting the spark is impossible once is gone".

 

Read it aloud few times, paying special attention to "once is gone" part.

 

If you still think that anyone would be able to "light the same fire after the rain", then I give up. It was all FALSE.

[quarterlifecrisis]

Bluestraps, what's your current status? Are you broken up in NC or did you reconcile with your ex? I can't tell given the post.

 

Just heard from a mutual friend that she was asking about me and misses me (but of course is happy with new boy toy). Not sure if I should have a glimmer of hope or not...missing me could mean so many different things and it doesn't mean it's romantic.

[LostTango]

Hey man, how's your situation? I'm in the exact same crap right now. I've been NC for 2 weeks, almost, she said she has feelings for me still, but she's dating someone else (a dude that's actually leaving in December back to his country, forever, but that doesn't seem to stop her from being with him!!!!!!) Somedays I'm a wreck, somedays I'm ok, but mostly just numb-like. It sucks, I just want to move on and don't care anymore