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Where do we go from here?


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My "bf" and I are in limbo now. Its come down to it that we do want to be together, but at the same time...its not going to be as it was before. Its going to take quite a bit of time before we reach that level of trust and devotion we were at before... Basically, we are starting over again, to the point where that will need to be built between us again.

 

Obviously, that huge growing desire I had to marry him have dwindled down considerably. I realized that Ive been so focused on "I want to marry him!" that I wasnt looking at our relationship realistically. His main focus right now is his work...his main focus may always be on his work. I cant even hope that will change one day..it may never. Our sex life is frustrating... I always want it, and hes never in the mood.

 

Many a night he has said...Im so sorry but I have this on my mind and that on my mind and then he'll go into a whole thing with everything thats worrying him or what have you...all work of course, and it leaves him just not in the mood.

 

Other than those two things...he really has been a wonderful bf. Anyway, whether right or wrong, whether I should trust him or not at this point, I want to continue this relationship, but my head is now in a completely different place.

 

I told him this...and I guess it freaked him out a bit..he immediately told me that we do have a future, that he will let up on work as soon as "this project is done" (been hearing that for 2 years now so...Ill take that with a grain of salt) and that he does want to marry me, and he wants to buy a house and live with me and be with me...that I am incredibly important to him. He doesnt want me to give up on feeling that is in our future. Its nice to hear but...I cant keep living for what might be...I only have what we have now to contend with.

 

Anyway, I think that while he is so concentrated on his work, we can still continue to have what weve had all along, and I can go on to concentrate more on my own work, on my own self, to do more for me instead of always thinking of "us" In a way, I guess it would be like living separate lives together.

 

That I can deal with...what Im concerned about though is the sexual aspect. I cant keep being frustrated. Im not going to cheat on him. I dont know how to handle this. My toy collection is freaking massive right now...I thought it would be enough, but its not. Anyway...I kinow theres no real question in here...just my not really knowing where to go from here. Sex isnt everything but...it does have its effects.

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I agree, I was in a 3 year long relationship with the woman of my dreams in college and around our last year she just got really uptight and only cared about herself getting into graduate school and pursuing a Ph.D. The sex got to the point where I couldn't even mention it for days or else I wouldn't get any at all during the week. I still still did things for her despite my workload being tough right before graduation. Eventually she just dumped me and said that she wanted me in her future but not as her lover. After all I put in and never got nearly as much out of it I felt strung out. Sex isn't everything but when you can't hang out much because work is too much or she's got a headache (which seemed to occur every week) or it was past 9pm or she was just too tired or it would interfere with a show she wanted to watch it starts becoming all you have to look forward too. Sex is supposed to be good for us and a great way to de-stress. If you can't get it when you need it then I say what's the point? Work isn't everything, money ins't everything (they're both important) but at the end of the day it comes down to us as people that's what counts :)

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Thanks for responding. I was beginning to feel like I was being rediculous or lame about this.

 

I feel like a fish out of water..flip flopping all over the place... Seems his idea of "trying" and showing me I really am important is to be so busy he had no time to call me at all yesterday..save for a txt saying he would call...which he did..at 1am when I was already asleep...and another full day today, no call, and hey, no text either.

 

Yeah, I feel special, I feel thought of, I really feel like hes trying and wants to make this work. <--you can make that as snide and sarcastic as humanly possible.

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Yeah I dunno. I kept at it to the point where the ex just got fed up and felt as if she was guilty for not wanting to be "us." and then she took the easy way out and ended it. You could try to get his attention, maybe give him an ultimatum like: "if you want a future, you better want me, literally...." If he can string you out now, what makes you think he won't string you out further down the road and get stuck in a sexless marriage. You'll pull through either way.

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Yeah, you are right about that... Ive got over the other men who cheated on me (all of them so far) I was ready to give up last time...didnt date for 3 years. No ups and downs, no uncertainty..none of this drama. I hate that and all these ridiculous games.

 

im ready to just give up and this time stand my ground and stay single...this whole thing just isnt for me.

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I know it's hard, and it may seem hopeless at the moment, but communication is key. Don't say I'm giving up and just going to accept being single, instead say I'm not going to settle and one way or another we're going to talk about it and fix it. Even though you guys spoke about it briefly and freaked him out a bit, it's not enough. After the freak out conversation a couple of other ones needed to follow to make sure change actually starts happening. If you really love him and want it to work it's going to take a lot of work on both of your parts, but it can happen. A lot of couples actually schedule sex into their weekly calendars and it's perfectly alright to do that if that will make the relationship stronger. Before giving up try communicating a bit more, because it sounds like its lacking a bit now, but of course your not going to wait around forever so make sure he understands that and the possibilities of losing you are real, so that he puts on those batteries and get down to work.

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Its funny you say puts on those batteries...he wont even buy fresh batteries for the vibes he got so that I at least get something. Theyve been dormant in his bathroom drawer for ohhh...almost a year now? After a couple months of asking abotu it everytime I went over, I gave up.

 

Scheduling in sex..no dice. If I try to initiate, it turns into an hour long dissertation of everything thats on his mind and how tough work is and how hes too tired and stressed and and and...by the time hes done, I feel like Ive taken a cold shower. Ugh.

 

I honestly dont know how much more work I can put into this...Im always totally straight up with him about how I feel about everything...Over the past year, Ive talked with him, written long letters, everything...Im not entirely sure how I can communicate with him even more! lol but Ive still been really patient and understanding and everything inbetween. I really do think its time for me to back off and see how much hes willing to put into it..if anything at all.

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Yup, I know exactly how you feel....."oh I'm too tired, too stressed, too many things to think about, my head hurts, no we can't do that style, only this style, no don't want foreplay, oh forget about it you just finish....blah blah blah....." I was like WFT mate? It's only really a 30-40min thing, is that too much to ask for every few days? It's also meant to be enjoyable. It's supposed to get you to forget about all the stressful things in life and just let you release literally. But from a guys perspective it's considered to be pushing it upon the women. I'm surprised you're in the exact opposite situation.

 

At some point you need to draw the line, don't do what I did and let the other person dictate everything. I feel like I lost everything because I was trying so hard to make her happy, when in the end I just frustrated her more. Take it from me you're probably better off if you make the decision to stay or go.

 

On the flip side if you're looking for a young adventurous male who's been repressed for too long, you know where to find me :) Of course I'm kidding, or maybe not. Hey it's the internet so no worries!

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Lmfao!! I think if I were to mention this problem of mine to any guy I know, theyd make the same offer. I know how rare my situation is...I just want to scream when I hear any of my female friends talk about how they wish their bf would let up and not want sex all the time. Not just now...Ive always been that way!

 

I know Im overboard and learned to temper myself over the years, but somehow I ended up with a guy who really has a low drive, and Im sure he genuinely cant understand why its a problem...Ill bet most girls may have loved that he preferred to talk and cuddle and wasnt always trying to get them in bed so thats normal to him, that sex isnt a big deal. That would be my luck...

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yeah that is odd. maybe you should check his diet? is he exercising much? could also start sleeping in another room, use yourself as leverage. make it a game?

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Please ask yourself if you would want this type of relationship for an endearing friend, relative or even an offspring...Chances are you'd say no.

Follow your signals. They are before you.

 

This isnt a phase for this gent, He is reflecting upon you what is ahead.

 

Take heart I think you already know what is right for you.

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Im sure a lot of it has to do with stress...he does work a lot and it is the top of his mind all the time. Hes a vegetarian and eats pretty well..save for the occasional french fry/tater tot binge :) Rarely drinks, no drugs... He had a physical and checked out as perfectly healthy. *sigh*

 

Im sure that Im not going to leave him because he has a low sex drive though...thats not enough reason for me to decide being with him is not worth it. Hopefully this is something that can be resolved somehow, that we'll figure something out that works for both of us...no idea how but...one thing at a time I guess.

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Ray of Sunshine

There are men who at a particular time in their life focus heavily on work and a career. Think of this as a plus because he will be a good provider. This may be a strong part of his character. And you may not be geared up for someone who is this career minded. Takes alot of patience and work to be a partner to someone who is all work and no play.

 

I was married to a workaholic...and for 21 years I had to reeeeeally use my imagination to drag him from his work. But I was successful for the most part! We are divorced but not because of that.

 

On a lighter note...

 

Now as for the intimate issues...um...Victoria's Secret has a sale going on and maybe something enticing from there might open his eyes a bit...;)

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Lmfao!! I think if I were to mention this problem of mine to any guy I know, theyd make the same offer. I know how rare my situation is...I just want to scream when I hear any of my female friends talk about how they wish their bf would let up and not want sex all the time. Not just now...Ive always been that way!

 

I know Im overboard and learned to temper myself over the years, but somehow I ended up with a guy who really has a low drive, and Im sure he genuinely cant understand why its a problem...Ill bet most girls may have loved that he preferred to talk and cuddle and wasnt always trying to get them in bed so thats normal to him, that sex isnt a big deal. That would be my luck...

 

Lmfao!! I think if I were to mention this problem of mine to any guy I know, theyd make the same offer. I know how rare my situation is...I just want to scream when I hear any of my female friends talk about how they wish their bf would let up and not want sex all the time. Not just now...Ive always been that way!

 

I know Im overboard and learned to temper myself over the years, but somehow I ended up with a guy who really has a low drive, and Im sure he genuinely cant understand why its a problem...Ill bet most girls may have loved that he preferred to talk and cuddle and wasnt always trying to get them in bed so thats normal to him, that sex isnt a big deal. That would be my luck...

 

 

Hi:)

 

i totally understand where you are coming from. It's almost humiliating after a while when you are the one always initiating, or getting turned down. Yes, stress can be a factor, indeed and people have different libidos. My hubby and i have different libidos - i have a very high drive and he can - but not as much as me....so we comprimise.

I told him that i felt really unwanted and that was hurting me. He understood. Every girl wants to feel wanted by their man!!! I beilieved porn was having an effect also. It was having an effect, i digress. If i was not giving him his needs, then i would understand, but if i am left out in the cold because of it, then we have a problem. He has a libido for porn - why not me? lol - well, i believe he has warped his sensitivity to intimacy. IMO.

No one likes to be turned down all the time and no one should be turned down all the time either! It's funny, i have read many articles dealing with "happy relationships how-to's" and one of the ongoing key points is " never say no to your man" unless, of course there is ligitiment reasoning (sick, exhaustion - not just tired - unfavorable circumstances) i mean, everybody has a right to say no and not feel harrassed about it - but i have noticed that the woman has to always be ready to go! what about the man though? It think it's fair to have that afforded back to us, no?

As i said, everyone should have the option to say no to their spouse and feel respected doing so. But when you are constantly having to be the one to initiate, then is gets really hard on your self worth, to this person.

 

If stress and work are the problems...offer a massage. See if you can help set the mood for him. Also, my hubby says that's it's hard to want to when you are feeling like you aren't satisfying your spouse and they are always left wanting - kind of makes the person retreat a little. I get this too.

I would tell him how you feel and start bringing romance back - encourage him to do the same, relationships can't be one sided.

If after a long while of patience and understanding with little progress, then you might have to think about finding someone who is more compatible with you in these areas. NO one person can satisfy ALL your needs - but this is an important area.

I totally hear ya;)

 

Take care xo

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You hit a lot of things there Lucky! Especially that with him knowing Im not getting satisfied. Ive thought of sexing it up with lingerie or something hot like you mentioned Ray...oh man my mind goes crazy with those thoughts...lol! But then, I know hes already feeling the pressure. Hes told me that the worst thing a man can feel is knowing hes leaving his woman unsatisfied...its like a catch 22. He wants to, but he cant, and since he cant, he doesnt even want to put himself in the position where he will fail yet again.

 

Blaaaah!

 

I do think though that something like giving him a massage...something liek that which involves touching him and is intimate, but without obvious sexual pressure..maybe that will help. Thats a really good idea actually! Hrmmm...

 

I have to admit...over the past few months, Ive thought about bringing up swinging...I dont want to be with another guy, and Im pretty sure hed hate that idea anyway. But a few years back, I had a friend who I swang with...the couples we met were usually married, and usually the husband worked a lot, was out of town a lot, and was totally cool with it that his wife/gf had a gf to do things with. My partner was basically there for me to meet up for dinner or drinks, to get to know the couple and make sure everything was on the up and up...but then we did meet this one couple who she and I totally hit it off...whenever he was in town wed have dinner or hang out, and other than that, she and I did our thing. It was great for about a year until right when I met my bf and I ended the relationship with her. She was totally cool about it and understood.

 

But anyway...yeah, thats something Ive been thinking of bringing up to him...

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You hit a lot of things there Lucky! Especially that with him knowing Im not getting satisfied. Ive thought of sexing it up with lingerie or something hot like you mentioned Ray...oh man my mind goes crazy with those thoughts...lol! But then, I know hes already feeling the pressure. Hes told me that the worst thing a man can feel is knowing hes leaving his woman unsatisfied...its like a catch 22. He wants to, but he cant, and since he cant, he doesnt even want to put himself in the position where he will fail yet again.

 

Blaaaah!

 

I do think though that something like giving him a massage...something liek that which involves touching him and is intimate, but without obvious sexual pressure..maybe that will help. Thats a really good idea actually! Hrmmm...

 

I have to admit...over the past few months, Ive thought about bringing up swinging...I dont want to be with another guy, and Im pretty sure hed hate that idea anyway. But a few years back, I had a friend who I swang with...the couples we met were usually married, and usually the husband worked a lot, was out of town a lot, and was totally cool with it that his wife/gf had a gf to do things with. My partner was basically there for me to meet up for dinner or drinks, to get to know the couple and make sure everything was on the up and up...but then we did meet this one couple who she and I totally hit it off...whenever he was in town wed have dinner or hang out, and other than that, she and I did our thing. It was great for about a year until right when I met my bf and I ended the relationship with her. She was totally cool about it and understood.

 

But anyway...yeah, thats something Ive been thinking of bringing up to him...

well, i would hold off on that. He may take it as another blow to his ego that he can't satisfy you. Perhaps it's time to teach him hoW! i would sart doing things that don't have the invitation for sex attatched but are sensual. Let hi know he is wanted and appriciated. Talk to each other! talk about fantasies! If he is uncomfortable, then ok. But let him know what is important. Us girls like to think men can read our minds. If you want an intimate relationship - then start there.

For the swinging? Well, to each there own - i have usually heard and have seen it not work for the long run. again - not my thing. It introduces a third element to the relationship. What if the guy could please you more? could he handle that ego blow? be careful in that aspect. But even after trying and he still isn't responsive...then you have other things to think about:)

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well, i would hold off on that. He may take it as another blow to his ego that he can't satisfy you. Perhaps it's time to teach him hoW! i would sart doing things that don't have the invitation for sex attatched but are sensual. Let hi know he is wanted and appriciated. Talk to each other! talk about fantasies! If he is uncomfortable, then ok. But let him know what is important. Us girls like to think men can read our minds. If you want an intimate relationship - then start there.

For the swinging? Well, to each there own - i have usually heard and have seen it not work for the long run. again - not my thing. It introduces a third element to the relationship. What if the guy could please you more? could he handle that ego blow? be careful in that aspect. But even after trying and he still isn't responsive...then you have other things to think about:)

 

Oooh yeah, like I said, not interested in being with another guy...even when I was single, its always been the wife I was interested in lol! Hes a pretty open minded guy...he knows I did some swinging before we met and has said if its ever something I want to do just let him know. Im just wary about it at this point cause of the problems hes having....it would be different if this wasnt the sitution. I dont wanna kick him while hes down, yannow.

 

Yeah, Im going to hold off on that. Its my frustration talking more than anything right now...I honestly cant even remember the last time we had sex..its been weeks now. When Im not so desperate, I might be able to think a lil clearer :o

 

BTW..thanks so much for being open about it...I was a bit nervous of what the response to that might be. The one thing I know for *sure* is Im not going to cheat or go behind his back...Id sooner be honest and open with him about everything.

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i am just wondering what long term plans you two have made? It sounds lie he has wishy washy committment issues here. Like, he is just sitting back and letting things fall where they may, without much effort.

again, i can totally empathize with your plight right now. Instead of focusing on the sex it's self, work on the intimacy. Get him to give you a massage too!! be complimentary!! tell him how good he is with his hands ect....if he thinks he will have to perform, then it may make him nervous about your agenda.

Just talk to him about what you have said here. You shuldn't have to go outside your relationship to be sexually satisfied if you want an monogomus one anyways.

Good luck and keep us updated!

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Yeah..no long term plans made. The only thing he says for sure is that he wants me to be a part of his life, but his work is on the top of his mind. Hes told me, hes not sure how he can afford to support himself moreless a family long term...to give him time to get that taken care of. And then he commences to work himself half to death...

 

His idea of this whole thing is...until he has the money to put down on a house and can take care of a family, then hes in no position to even think about it. My thing is..we could work towards a goal like that together, its not all on his shoulders. He thinks thats sweet and romantic of me, but in the real world, a man has to be able to provide for his woman, not live off of her. And I think..well hello! Im doing it all by myself right now! LoL..but were not ready to marry right now anyway. Would be nice to live together, but to be honest, I dont want to do that until we make plans to marry.

 

And so...thats where we are at the moment. And yeah, I would prefer to be monogamous, but..right now thats synonymous with celibate, and Im not handling that too well right about now. All I know is...I must *really* love this guy, cause I still have no desire to be with some other man..I still only want him. hah!

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Yeah..no long term plans made. The only thing he says for sure is that he wants me to be a part of his life, but his work is on the top of his mind. Hes told me, hes not sure how he can afford to support himself moreless a family long term...to give him time to get that taken care of. And then he commences to work himself half to death...

 

His idea of this whole thing is...until he has the money to put down on a house and can take care of a family, then hes in no position to even think about it. My thing is..we could work towards a goal like that together, its not all on his shoulders. He thinks thats sweet and romantic of me, but in the real world, a man has to be able to provide for his woman, not live off of her. And I think..well hello! Im doing it all by myself right now! LoL..but were not ready to marry right now anyway. Would be nice to live together, but to be honest, I dont want to do that until we make plans to marry.

 

And so...thats where we are at the moment. And yeah, I would prefer to be monogamous, but..right now thats synonymous with celibate, and Im not handling that too well right about now. All I know is...I must *really* love this guy, cause I still have no desire to be with some other man..I still only want him. hah!

well, i must say that i admire your dedication. As most people know, sex is no the only thing to maintain a relationship, but it is definatly a vital ingredient. When being "denied" it feels as if we aren't allowed to express our deeper love and desires with that person. Well....that sucks! I had a talk with my S/O last night about this very thing and it comes back to him saying that he isn't wanting to be with me if he is feeling pressured, not liking me at the moment, or feeling inadequate. I understand this.BUT i had to relate that being the one that usually initiates and tries different approaches makes me feel unwanted when it's not recieved either. I am sexual - i want to be wanted by my partner!!!! Women like to feel sexy, period. I guess, it takes work on both parts to find a balance.

Again, if the drives are on complete opposite sides of the scale, then that can definatly cause a problem. Incompatibility with sexual needs/preferences will remain an issue.

By what you are saying, it sounds as if you two have good things going on in your relationship. That's great, keep working. I would suggest that you both be clear on what your goals are in the relationship. If you are going to be putting that much time and effort into someone, you are hoping that you will end up with them for the long run!!!!

leep in touch!

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LoL @ leep in touch....not gonna let that one go for awhile :D

 

Last night was really great actually. We went out with his parents and family visiting from out of town...his stepmom invited us to come out to their condo for after dinner drinks, but unbeknownst to everyone at the table, we were fiddling around with each others fingers and had our hands on each others knee through the whole dinner. We were like teenagers...lol

 

He declined the offer, and then we went back to his place and well...it was pretty clear neither of us had been touched in a verrry long time. It really was great. Reminded me of when we first met, barely able to wait to be alone together...it was so hard to leave his arms when it was time to go.

 

I was really so nervous too...over how it would be, I mean you know...like what thoughts would be going through my head, after knowing he cheated. But when I looked at him, he was looking directly at me, there was nothing and no one else in that room but us (metaphorically speaking) I really think we're going to be alright.

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I just wanted to say...we went on a date tonight :) And we ended up taking a walk and talking about things... The sexual issue is a huge thing on his mind. He said that in reality, he wants me as much as I want him..the feelings are there 100%, but his body just isnt cooperating. Even the other night, he wasnt entirely happy with his performance (goodness knows, I was just so happy to be with him..hah!) but he wanted to do so much more...but physically couldnt.

 

He asked me to research some thigns for him online, and hes been taking all sorts of natural remedies and such...he admitted that his work and stress and etc really have nothing to do with whats happening...hes dying for the sexual stress relief, and it really afraid cause this, how he is with me, is totally new to him. He thanked me for being so patient, and for not making him feel more humiliated than he already feels. He said its a huge relief to even be able to talk to me about this, knowing Id be open and not make him feel worse...and he promised me that this is something that is important to him, that hes working on it.

 

I feel so bad for him...Im not going to bring up swinging and getting involved with another woman or anything like that. That definitely was just me talking crazy talk and bouncing off the walls with sexual frustration hah! Im thinking way clearer now, and I know..as absolutely rediculous as it may seem, he is the only person I want to be with...and I dont want to be with anyone else even if its like this for awhile.

 

I know Ill keep bouncing back and forth...that after a few weeks of no sex Ill be back in knots, but in the end...nothing could tempt me from what I have with him..from our relationship as a whole. If this is some sort of cosmic test...Ive got to be passing with flying colours...lol! This has to pay off in the end somehow... I really must love that man. Well...I know I do.

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I just wanted to say...we went on a date tonight :) And we ended up taking a walk and talking about things... The sexual issue is a huge thing on his mind. He said that in reality, he wants me as much as I want him..the feelings are there 100%, but his body just isnt cooperating. Even the other night, he wasnt entirely happy with his performance (goodness knows, I was just so happy to be with him..hah!) but he wanted to do so much more...but physically couldnt.

 

He asked me to research some thigns for him online, and hes been taking all sorts of natural remedies and such...he admitted that his work and stress and etc really have nothing to do with whats happening...hes dying for the sexual stress relief, and it really afraid cause this, how he is with me, is totally new to him. He thanked me for being so patient, and for not making him feel more humiliated than he already feels. He said its a huge relief to even be able to talk to me about this, knowing Id be open and not make him feel worse...and he promised me that this is something that is important to him, that hes working on it.

 

I feel so bad for him...Im not going to bring up swinging and getting involved with another woman or anything like that. That definitely was just me talking crazy talk and bouncing off the walls with sexual frustration hah! Im thinking way clearer now, and I know..as absolutely rediculous as it may seem, he is the only person I want to be with...and I dont want to be with anyone else even if its like this for awhile.

 

I know Ill keep bouncing back and forth...that after a few weeks of no sex Ill be back in knots, but in the end...nothing could tempt me from what I have with him..from our relationship as a whole. If this is some sort of cosmic test...Ive got to be passing with flying colours...lol! This has to pay off in the end somehow... I really must love that man. Well...I know I do.

it's ok to go back and forth - that's how we figure things out!!! I am really happy that you two have talked about the issue. You must both feel relieved. You know what, the best thing is, he is wanting to find out how he can remedy the situation - that is awesome!! really it is. Alot of guys (not all) don't want to face that they might have problems, so turn to excessive masterbation or they do what your man has done, not engaged. Which, obviously doesn't solve anything.

In the mean time, why not try mutual masterbation or some other sexy stuff that doesn't involve penetration? You could also ask him to "use" certain falic objects with you;) By no means should your sex life take a complete dive.

IT sounds like he is wanting to make things work - that is great, i am am happy for you two. Give massages!!! best stress reliever ever!!!

 

Glad to hear things are turned around - i have enjoyed chatting with you here. Nice to know i am not the only one out there that has encountered similar relationship probs;)

 

Take care xo

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Oh you have been a HUGE help! My friends (bless their cheating hearts) have tried to tell me I should just "get mine" elsewhere and consider that problem solved. For the most part, they think Im sweet but nuts.

 

I really am happy too that he and I were able to talk...it feels great that hes able to open up to me about something that I know is a really sensitive subject for a guy. Im totally going to take your suggestion though about that massage. Im going to some almond oil...and I have a bunch of essential oils around here...and mix something up...and treat him to a nice evening.

 

I just have to try and restrain myself...just thinking about all that glistening skin is throwing my hormones into the atmosphere....LoL! I can be a good girl....I can do it, yes I can! :p

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