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Why does an Ex Call?


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Old 20th July 2009, 3:48 AM   #1
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Why does an Ex Call?

My ex broke up with me harshly and finally 3 months ago. I have been laying low and working out, ran into him at a party a couple weeks back looking all hot and fierce. He was there with the woman he left me for. I still want him back but am no dummy at the challenge it is. But at any rate,

To my surprise, the following Friday after seeing him I wake up to find two early morning missed calls from him on my cell...one minute apart...no message. He knows i work late night and would not be up at that time, and at that time of morning he would be at work. I waited a couple days not to play games but really didnt know what to do. I was worried it was a mistake and all but then decided that a) it is a miracle he still has my number and B) it could have been the new chick in his life if he left his cell at her house but finally C) one call could have been a mistake, but two>?

So I texted and said I saw his number on my phone and wasnt sure if it was a pocket or butt dial. I never heard back from him. I have ran into him again Sat night at a party. Held my cool, spoke, stayed on the other side of the room and had a blast.

I know not to read too much into this, but he dumped ME. Why do men call when they threw someone out of their life? I am hoping he is missing me or testing the water. I dont think it was a bootie call being so early in the morning.

Thank you for your help!
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Old 21st July 2009, 8:06 PM   #2
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I'd like to know, too!!!

I'm in the same boat. My ex didn't want our relationship anymore, but now, he keeps texting, emailing, showing up at my house... . Yet, I challenged him on that and he still doesn't want a relationship. I just gave up and don't respond at all anymore, but if there's a guy out there that can tell us why you all do that, please feel free! It is so frustrating. I am about to go crazy.
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Old 22nd July 2009, 2:08 AM   #3
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ladies,believe me when i say,calling,emailin,texting,unless it is to say "i missed you,i made a big mistake," is nothing,nada,zilch,its what they call Fishing,or phishing,really,they just want to know that youre still there pining over them.hope that answers your question
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Old 22nd July 2009, 2:12 AM   #4
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Quote:
I dont think it was a bootie call being so early in the morning.
Honestly, this would actually be my first guess. He could have been up and half drunk, etc. If he had anything important to say, I have to think he could have called again or left a message. Not only didn't he do either, he didnt respond when you tried to text him. Seems to me he wasnt really trying to reach out for any meaningful reasons.

Times like this, its important to look past the mask of emotions, and see things for what they are on the core. We all try and rationalize things that are trivial, and make them out to be the reason why your breakup is different. "Well, she said she still liked the shoes I got her, so..." We overanalyze every word, hold onto false hopes, magnify the positives, and ignore the negatives.

Here is the bottom line for ANY relationship. People just DO NOT end a relationship with someone that they see as a valuable long term partner. You wouldn't leave any person for someone else if you were at all concerned with the way that person thought about you. These actions are not part of some misunderstanding, accident, or brief lapse of emotional conciousness. These were thought decisions: they wanted to end your relationship. They thought they could do at least as good, if not better, on the open market, and they were ready to roll the dice. Anyone dumping someone knows good and well youre going to probably hate them, and they do it anyway.

What you need to do is not continue to let this guy's actions affect your life. You said it yourself, he was with the woman he left you for when you saw him, yet he calls you twice in a row early in the morning after a Friday night party. It seems kind of obvious to me that his agenda does not include whats good for you. I know its hard to imagine, but dumpers will try and use you as a booty call, because youll be so caught up in being close with them that you're all but certain to go along with it without asking any questions. Any 'where is this going' stuff will probably be after the fact, and youll be fed breadcrumbs about how the person 'doesnt know what they want' until you get fed up and walk away, or meet someone else.

If someone isnt willing to make the effort to come out and say they made a mistake in breaking up with you, and will do anything they can to make it up to you, they arent really interested in YOU. More likely, its what you have to offer, i.e. sex. By just casting a line out there, you either take it or you dont, but its a low downside/high upside kind of thing. Ignoring him is best, but very few people can resist the temptation all together, so you either respond how he wants, or he goes back into oblivion for a while, tries again later.

Only when people get the idea that you can and will live your life just fine without them, will not stand to for breadcrumbs and minimal efforts, and have boundries that must be met for your love will they appreciate it enough to consider a second chance. Easy come, easy go - its really so true. Just realize that youre worth much more than someone who cant stick it out with you. Anyone who dumps you isnt the one you were meant to love. They're still out there, you just have to find them.
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Old 23rd July 2009, 3:30 AM   #5
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Thank you all for your comments!

BCCA, just to clarify...he would have been at work that time of morning and I know he was at work that day. So it couldnt have been a bootie call, and hopefully he wasnt drunk at work lol

Thanks for your words and I know you are right, not arguing there! It is just he made things seem so final and harsh, it surprised me he called. In fact I am surprised he still had my number!

I am hoping he will come back someday, but I have been working on me mentally where I can handle it better and not let my self worth get trampled on ever again. You words are true my friend. I wish I could totally walk away but I cant just yet. Bu if I cant I am going to atleast find a way to let go, not obsess, move on my focusing on me.

I still wish I knew for sure why he called.
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Old 23rd July 2009, 3:32 AM   #6
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Found this link. What do you all think? It is one of very few insights I found on the net about the mysterious ex calls.

http://www.isnare.com/?aid=193191&ca=Relationships
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Old 23rd July 2009, 5:46 PM   #7
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You are all right! I know I'm worth a helluva lot more than the random texts. If he wanted me, he has to work a whole lot harder than that to get me.
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Old 23rd July 2009, 5:49 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BCCA View Post
Honestly, this would actually be my first guess. He could have been up and half drunk, etc. If he had anything important to say, I have to think he could have called again or left a message. Not only didn't he do either, he didnt respond when you tried to text him. Seems to me he wasnt really trying to reach out for any meaningful reasons.

Times like this, its important to look past the mask of emotions, and see things for what they are on the core. We all try and rationalize things that are trivial, and make them out to be the reason why your breakup is different. "Well, she said she still liked the shoes I got her, so..." We overanalyze every word, hold onto false hopes, magnify the positives, and ignore the negatives.

Here is the bottom line for ANY relationship. People just DO NOT end a relationship with someone that they see as a valuable long term partner. You wouldn't leave any person for someone else if you were at all concerned with the way that person thought about you. These actions are not part of some misunderstanding, accident, or brief lapse of emotional conciousness. These were thought decisions: they wanted to end your relationship. They thought they could do at least as good, if not better, on the open market, and they were ready to roll the dice. Anyone dumping someone knows good and well youre going to probably hate them, and they do it anyway.

What you need to do is not continue to let this guy's actions affect your life. You said it yourself, he was with the woman he left you for when you saw him, yet he calls you twice in a row early in the morning after a Friday night party. It seems kind of obvious to me that his agenda does not include whats good for you. I know its hard to imagine, but dumpers will try and use you as a booty call, because youll be so caught up in being close with them that you're all but certain to go along with it without asking any questions. Any 'where is this going' stuff will probably be after the fact, and youll be fed breadcrumbs about how the person 'doesnt know what they want' until you get fed up and walk away, or meet someone else.

If someone isnt willing to make the effort to come out and say they made a mistake in breaking up with you, and will do anything they can to make it up to you, they arent really interested in YOU. More likely, its what you have to offer, i.e. sex. By just casting a line out there, you either take it or you dont, but its a low downside/high upside kind of thing. Ignoring him is best, but very few people can resist the temptation all together, so you either respond how he wants, or he goes back into oblivion for a while, tries again later.

Only when people get the idea that you can and will live your life just fine without them, will not stand to for breadcrumbs and minimal efforts, and have boundries that must be met for your love will they appreciate it enough to consider a second chance. Easy come, easy go - its really so true. Just realize that youre worth much more than someone who cant stick it out with you. Anyone who dumps you isnt the one you were meant to love. They're still out there, you just have to find them.
That was a B-E-A-UTIFUL post Bcca. I am seriously about to print that out.
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Old 26th July 2009, 4:20 AM   #9
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Could there be, a slight chance he was too chicken to talk to me and he did the 8am calls just to let me know he was still around?

I still have not heard back from him. BUt still I wonder about it. If it was one, I would dismiss it. But two? Has me wondering. Not falsehoped, but a little hopeful.
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Old 27th July 2009, 3:51 AM   #10
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Very sad.

Basically this is how it works. When a man leaves his woman, regardless of the reason, he feels that it is the right thing to and he finally gets the nerve to say, " I'm outta here !" That can be a very hard thing to do even if he has fallen out of love with you. As time goes by he will start to miss you and he will start to text, call, run into etc. Guilt has a lot to do with it as well, many men feel guilty for hurting someone that loved them, even if that someone wasn't who they wanted to be with. When men contact you it is part of the male healing process. By seeing you and talking to you they will try to somehow rationalise their decision to leave you. The more time you spend with an ex the more apt you are to having sex with them. This can lead to the dreaded "friends with benefits" scenario. Some women let this happen because they feel they may get their man back. While this does happen, it is the exception to the rule. Most men will be content to have a casual relationship with the ex because it requires no emotional investment on their part. " It's just sex, right ? " Those 4 words couldn't be further from the truth. The longer this goes on the more likely that one of you will become emotionally invested and then someone is gonna get hurt big time. Unless a man comes back and declares his undying love for you to the universe, he does not want you back as his girlfriend, wife or whatever you want to call it. The best thing you can do is cut him out completely and don't give him the time of day. This will make you look strong in his eyes and give you the emotional advantage.

Remember, he left you. It's his loss, not yours !
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Old 27th July 2009, 4:53 PM   #11
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Panzer, you rock! Everything you said I needed to hear. My ex contacted me again today (he sends friendly random text messages like we're buddies) and I nearly caved thinkin that I was being mean. Hearing from a guy's perspective, I'll just ignore it again. In fact, some friends want to go out in their boat to this little bar for dinner and drinks. I think I'll do that instead - and leave my phone home.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. The guy's perspective was what I really needed. However, just one more question. We had both volunteered to do the same activity last Friday night. I told the organizer that I didn't want to work in the same area (he had deliberately set us up to do that) and when he came over at the end of my shift, I just packed up and left without saying a word to him. So, did that make me look weak? Like he could still get to me? Or did it send the message I wanted to send: not hanging out like buddies with you. I'm outta here. Be honest, Pancher. I need the advice for the future.
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Old 27th July 2009, 7:38 PM   #12
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well done !

You did the right thing not talking to him. In a matter of only a few seconds you turned the tables on him and now he's not sure what to do. He expected you to stop and talk with him and you didn't ! Nice blow to his ego ! I guarantee right now that he is thinking, " what the **** !?!? " Now you are in control and he is the one that will have to persue you. Depending on what you want from him you are now able to deal with him in a direct and positive manner. Remember you are the prize, not him ! Don't take any crap from him. If he gives you any bull**** tell him to get lost !
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Old 28th July 2009, 4:29 PM   #13
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Thanks... again! I don't meant to be wishy/washy but I don't know what I want from him anymore. When this first happened, I just wanted our relationship and his feelings for me back. Now, I don't know. I still miss everything, but there's a part of me that wonders if I could ever truly trust in his feelings again. It seems like an awful amount of work for me to do to get back with someone who hurt me. Isn't it a whole lot less effort (and risk of pain) to just find someone new? I guess, though, I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't somehow want him back, either... .

If he came back, I would truly have to learn to trust him again and that would take a long time. I certainly wouldn't be so accommodating to him. He would have to work a whole lot harder to keep me. While I can certainly forgive and forget, there's things that can't be undone. He let me down.

Panzer, another question. How would a guy act if he really wanted you back? I think my ex would be all about the fun, flirty pursuit of me if he wanted me back, but not sure. How do guys react? How could you really tell if it was genuine or a momentary whim? What should a girl do?
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Old 29th July 2009, 4:00 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by panzer6 View Post
Basically this is how it works. When a man leaves his woman, regardless of the reason, he feels that it is the right thing to and he finally gets the nerve to say, " I'm outta here !" That can be a very hard thing to do even if he has fallen out of love with you. As time goes by he will start to miss you and he will start to text, call, run into etc. Guilt has a lot to do with it as well, many men feel guilty for hurting someone that loved them, even if that someone wasn't who they wanted to be with. When men contact you it is part of the male healing process. By seeing you and talking to you they will try to somehow rationalise their decision to leave you. The more time you spend with an ex the more apt you are to having sex with them. This can lead to the dreaded "friends with benefits" scenario. Some women let this happen because they feel they may get their man back. While this does happen, it is the exception to the rule. Most men will be content to have a casual relationship with the ex because it requires no emotional investment on their part. " It's just sex, right ? " Those 4 words couldn't be further from the truth. The longer this goes on the more likely that one of you will become emotionally invested and then someone is gonna get hurt big time. Unless a man comes back and declares his undying love for you to the universe, he does not want you back as his girlfriend, wife or whatever you want to call it. The best thing you can do is cut him out completely and don't give him the time of day. This will make you look strong in his eyes and give you the emotional advantage.

Remember, he left you. It's his loss, not yours !
SO a guy calls to see how you are doing and if you hate him? Or? How about maybe he is nostaglic, confused, or maybe is thinking a lot about you? How come it cant ever be anything good? LOL

I think one probablity is my ex is shamed for the way he did me in the end, and is scared to talk to me. Maybe he is trying to initiate something but wasnt sure what it was, and either talked himself out of it or chickened out?
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