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1st time break, not my choice. Are possibilities of getting back together?


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Hi everyone. I had been dating the my first girlfriend for the past 3 years in college. It was all fine until about 6 months ago and then we started to have some tension. It was our last semester, she had been stressing over grad school applications, honors thesis, and a newly developed fear of air travel. My last 2 semesters were not spectacular as I had to repeat an upper level course and take another upper level course right after graduation to get my degree mailed to me. I also happened to start and am almost finishing my private pilot's license.

 

Anyway she got into grad school and will be going in the fall. I only just decided that I want to go to grad school shortly before graduating. And am in the midst of trying to at least find a job in a geographically close location. We broke up over her feeling that she needed to start something new (we've been talking about this for a while) in grad school and that she didn't know if we could still date with all her coursework. She says it's not my fault but she feels that she needed to stop and she never really knew if it would last this long. She says that she was very happy that it did and wants to stay in touch. She says she needs to know what it's like to try other people (I was her first too).

 

She's not your typical girl, (not saying anyone is typical) but she is rather different from other girls I know. She's introverted, an insomniac along with food allergies. She's a math major, sometimes thinks very mathematically and can be cold sometimes without knowing it, a bit geeky but then again so am I albeit being an environmental studies and econ major. We met in a Japanese class and I took her to Japan once over summer and had a blast.

 

I never wanted to forcer to do anything she never wanted to do and decided to let her go out of if that's what she wants then I should let her even though I wasn't in favor of it. But what happened has happened and I suppose I'm going through withdrawal. Thought she was the one (although how I can make that decision based on little experience at the young age of 22 is weird) I'm trying to stay calm and rational about it but it's difficult (normally I'm very calm and relaxed even in crisis.) But for the first time in my life emotions are really getting to me.

 

What really gets me is that she says she wants me in her future, e-mail, skype, be friends, stay in touch....that sort of thing and I don't know how I can do that. I want to let her be free but at the same time go from love of my life to just friends seems strange.

 

I've read a lot online about rekindling relationships with ex's in the future but have no idea about what I should do.

 

I want to give her, her space, but a part of me wants her back.

 

any suggestions are appreciated.

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You'll want her back for a while, but cut her off completely. IF she wants to try other people, let her go, but dont let her have your friendship as well.

 

she wants you to keep in contact with her to help her relieve her guilt and makes the breakup easier on her, but not you. Its for her benefit only, and its selfish.

 

Cut her off right now, let her be hurt so she knows what shes missing. If you dont, she will never know what shes missing.

 

People in this situation usually dont reconnect until years later, but even that rarely happens, so dont count on it. You will be in pilot school, that alone will score you a good new woman.

 

Dont stay attached to a cruel beyotch that tells you that you arent good enough in her mind to stay the long haul with. Move on and screw her.

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well the break was pretty peaceful, i mean i dunno, she kept saying that she needs time and has no idea about what lies in the future. My original plan was to drop all contact. But what about hypothetical "hey, what's up?" I don't want to be a dick. I also think it will be a rather long time before I start looking for something else if I ever do.

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well the break was pretty peaceful, i mean i dunno, she kept saying that she needs time and has no idea about what lies in the future. My original plan was to drop all contact. But what about hypothetical "hey, what's up?" I don't want to be a dick. I also think it will be a rather long time before I start looking for something else if I ever do.

 

DOnt believe her. She knows you will believe anything she says now, believe me my ex said the same exact shyte.

 

She knows exactly what lies in the future, and she knows it aint you. She just is letting you down easy so she doesnt have to deal with her own guilt.

 

"hey whats up" will do nothing for either of you. After a while neitherof you will have anything to say to each other because you want to get back with her, and she wont want to tell you about the great new life she has with her new guy.

 

If you let her keep in contact with you, she will wind up playing head games with you. She will text you "hey whats up" "what r u up to?" then she will have nothing else to say, because she only wants to see if you will pick up the phone or reply at her whim. Its a control thing, she wants to know that you havent hooked up with anyone new. It serves her ego. So you cannot stay friends. Go with your original plan to cut off all contact. It will help you heal faster. trust me. You have to be a dick, youre not getting back with her again, so it doesnt matter what she thinks.

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You can't think to even understand what she is thinking, she is just as confused as you.

 

She's trying to contact you because, she's thinking about you. Not necessarily to get back, but because she's used to it. You are going to have to be the one to break that habit.

 

You don't have to be a dick, just don't reply back. It's not being a dick to want to take a step back and gather your own thoughts. Be selfish, think about yourself. As hard as it is, leave it alone for a while.

 

I've had no contact with my ex for a couple of weeks until I decided I wanted my stuff back. Occasionally in a drunken emo fit, I'll want to call (glad I removed the number from my phone) When I'm sober I can think more clearly.

 

Advice a friend gave me, you can choose to be a wreck or you can choose to want to make things better for yourself. It's up to you.

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Ok, well for one thing neither of us really drinks to the point were we get to drunk dialing or anything like that. I've been told that I should take a step back, act normal, calm, coolheaded and do things I didn't really have time for and not act needy. So if she contacts, I should just reply with I'm fine, tell her i'm about to go out or go to work and ttyl?

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From what I've been reading on this forum. It seems that the heartbroken (myself) should not do anything at all. NC. She broke my heart, it's me that got hurt, therefore if she wants me back, she needs to prove in a really big way, actions, not just words that she messed up. Otherwise forget it. I'm not the type that will emotionally support anyone with no positive feedback loop.

 

I don't want to ruin her life though. I'm a pretty caring dude but perhaps I need to draw my own lines, play on my terms.

thanks for the advice so far.

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I don't want to ruin her life though. I'm a pretty caring dude but perhaps I need to draw my own lines, play on my terms.

thanks for the advice so far.

 

You dont have to ruin her life, or be vindictive, but you absolutely need to stay out of her life, and keep her out of yours. You really cant play on your terms, because she isnt playing the same game, if that makes sense. Shes calling her shots, and you either follow along, or do the smart thing and tell her to pound sand.

 

 

She knows exactly what lies in the future, and she knows it aint you

 

Post of the day, 100% true. Anytime you hear 'I dont know', it really means 'I dont want to tell you'

 

Stay NC, and just focus on getting over this.

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NC it is then. I'm pretty sure I can do this. I've moved to a different country every 4 years of my life since birth. Friends have come and gone, only this time it's love but what the hell. I really wish there was no such thing as online social networking, really makes the whole communication thing a little too easy.

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Post of the day, 100% true. Anytime you hear 'I dont know', it really means 'I dont want to tell you'

 

Stay NC, and just focus on getting over this.

 

I disagree, I have been asked and my answer to I don't know, was really I don't know. It wasn't some I know but I dont' wanna tell you.

 

I needed the NC to help figure out so I could know.

 

Most people seem to forget they can only help themselves. I've been in the situation where it worked out after a break up. we would have been together still had she not died years ago.

 

Probably why I'm not as broken up over this one.

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I disagree, I have been asked and my answer to I don't know, was really I don't know. It wasn't some I know but I dont' wanna tell you.

 

I needed the NC to help figure out so I could know.

 

Most people seem to forget they can only help themselves. I've been in the situation where it worked out after a break up. we would have been together still had she not died years ago.

 

Probably why I'm not as broken up over this one.

 

If you asked 1,000 women who said 'I dont know' in this context what they really meant, I would wager that 900+ would say they just didnt want to hurt the persons feelings. Seriously, how do you now know how you feel about someone or if you want to be with them? You know full well, the only thing you 'dont know' is what you want to say.

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do the smart thing and tell her to pound sand.

 

Pound sand? POUND SAND??? Im gonna giggle about this all night. I cant wait to use it on someone.

 

Thats almost as good as "Go sh*t in your hat!"

 

Dont worry BH, you wont ruin her life, she ruined yours if anything. She moved on to someone else and her life is fine.

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Pound sand? POUND SAND??? Im gonna giggle about this all night. I cant wait to use it on someone.

 

Thats almost as good as "Go sh*t in your hat!"

 

Dont worry BH, you wont ruin her life, she ruined yours if anything. She moved on to someone else and her life is fine.

 

haha Some people say kick rocks, take a hike, etc...I like pound sand :)

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If you asked 1,000 women who said 'I dont know' in this context what they really meant, I would wager that 900+ would say they just didnt want to hurt the persons feelings. Seriously, how do you now know how you feel about someone or if you want to be with them? You know full well, the only thing you 'dont know' is what you want to say.

 

I see your point. This most recent one I got we were incompatible. I didn't get I don't know.

 

Myself on the other hand, I don't know. As in I don't know if I would want to try again or just let it go. So that NC is what I needed to figure out the answer.

 

My advice would be to do your own thing and you will find your own answers in time.

 

I'm not one to ever give up hope, but the thing is if you do for yourself then it just may come to the point where you are the one saying no.

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I don't want to go NC but if I should just go back to the same level of contact we had before we dated that would be nice. A part of me says yes she's making this hurt a lot but then she needs to know for herself what life is like without me in the equation then that's ok. I have hope and maybe she'll realize what she's missing? I never want to resort to jealousy. I guess I'll just be me, I'll finish my PPL, try to get a job as soon as I finish my summer course, and make the best of it. Have fun and then submit my grad school apps in the fall to see where Istand next spring.

 

Thanks Battlewax, and my apologies for your loss.

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I don't want to go NC but if I should just go back to the same level of contact we had before we dated that would be nice. A part of me says yes she's making this hurt a lot but then she needs to know for herself what life is like without me in the equation then that's ok. I have hope and maybe she'll realize what she's missing? I never want to resort to jealousy. I guess I'll just be me, I'll finish my PPL, try to get a job as soon as I finish my summer course, and make the best of it. Have fun and then submit my grad school apps in the fall to see where Istand next spring.

 

Thanks Battlewax, and my apologies for your loss.

 

She wont know what shes missing if you continue to contact her. 2nd of all, she isnt missing you if she left you. So get that out of your head.

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well I will keep posting as time goes by and hopefully will learn something here.

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I keep asking myself why? But I can't figure it out. This may sound silly, but I'm compiling all the photos that have been taken of me and her in the last 3 years and remembering what the occasions were, where we were and how we felt. It brings me to tears but also makes me feel hopeful. This is so weird. I wish I could know, I wish it didn't happen but that's silly I suppose.

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I keep asking myself why? But I can't figure it out. This may sound silly, but I'm compiling all the photos that have been taken of me and her in the last 3 years and remembering what the occasions were, where we were and how we felt. It brings me to tears but also makes me feel hopeful. This is so weird. I wish I could know, I wish it didn't happen but that's silly I suppose.

 

Dont torture yourself like that. Take all the photos and lock them away somewhere. Do not hold out hope. The feelings will pass, but you will go though about a month of mental torture. Dont make it worse by reminiscing.

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I talked to her today, and we both agreed that we would be alright. She's gonna try new things, I'm gonna try new things, and we agreed that we would stay in touch. This would be good for both of us. She mentioned that the option of getting back together in the future is not off the table, but the only way to find out is to give it a try.

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nittanylion

She is playing head game with you by leaving you an option to get back in the future. In her meaning, she is trying to keep you on a leash. Dont you get it? she wants to be able to date someone, and at the same time, keep you in check. She is a future cake eater.

 

I know its hard to leave a long term relationship but you got to do it for your heart sake. You got no choice but to move On. Dont ever force someone to love you if they dont want to. Fk them! Let them be like that. You got to move ON cause I think she is moving ON without you. Keep your NC ON and stop bothering her. Let her pounds sand up her azz by herself without you helping her.

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I'm in a similar position to you and was told many of the same things you were. Someone on the internet looked at things objectively when I stripped down the detail and they came to the conclusion that my ex was confused and doesn't really know what she wants which are the words she said to me.

 

She hurt me a great deal but I also allowed her to hurt me. Build your strength and your life and stay NC. This is one of the hardest things I have EVER had to do and never thought I would feel this way. It is worse than a berevement in some ways. This is the only thing we can do at this point.

 

I still feel time is the enemy...it shouldn't...it should be your ally. Keep calm and don't cede control. Let me know if I can help.

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I talked to her today, and we both agreed that we would be alright. She's gonna try new things, I'm gonna try new things, and we agreed that we would stay in touch. This would be good for both of us. She mentioned that the option of getting back together in the future is not off the table, but the only way to find out is to give it a try.

 

Im going to give you some advice that may sound harsh, but you need to hear this.

 

What I think actually happened is that she talked you into going along with what she wants (doing your own thing, but 'staying in touch') by giving you false hopes.

 

First, let me make one thing clear, shes only going to be in touch when she feels like it, and everything will be 100% on her terms. Shes not going to be there for you, and realistically, all you did by agreeing to her terms is let her know that she can come back anytime she wants. Shes going to go out looking for new men to date, and chances are, she will never think of you romantically again.

 

You need to go NC, and forget about getting back together. Almost every woman Ive been dumped by has given me the same 'who knows what tomorrow will bring' crap, and its just that - crap. She has no intentions of getting back together with you, the very idea is nonsensical. If she doesnt want to be with you today, why would tomorrow, next month, or next year be any different? It wont. She just wanted to relieve some guilt.

 

Stay as far away from her as possible, stop talking to her all together, and focus on moving on.

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