Will I ever trust again? (LONG & COMPLEX)

[Girl - age 25]

Okay, this is very long and far from simple, so here it goes:

 

I ended a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend August of 2001. The reason being was because he was partying too much and never wanting to spend time with me. I felt I was putting too much energy into the relationship, and decided to call it quits. (From this point on I will refer to him as Taurus.)

 

2 weeks later I ran into a different man at wedding. A blend of alcohol, and being on the rebound, we certainly hit it off. (He will be known as Aquarius.) The absolute strangest thing happened...I fell in "love" with Aquarius. However, he was moving 8 hours away from me. After spending our last weeks together before his move, I was having fleeting thoughts about Taurus. However, Aquarius and I were planning my move up there after 4 intense weeks of our new relationship.

 

Fast forwarding to January of 2002. I was living with Aquarius, and the charming, intellectual man who I met 4 months earlier, turned into a possessive, dominating, and ignorant jerk. We were constantly fighting everyday, and the true fun-loving identity I once had was now a mere memory.

 

The most unfortunate event occurred that month. My father passed away.

 

Taurus tried to contact me at my parents house several times through out the 4 months when living with Aquarius. When Taurus arrived to pay his respects at my father's wake, I wasn't quite surprised. I realized right then and there how much I truly loved him. God, it was horrible and very awkward. I wanted Taurus to be the one by my side and providing me support, however, that was not the case. Aquarius and I had gotten into constant heated discussions during the week of the funeral. That was the last thing in the whole world that I needed. My family was not fond of Aquarius because the cowardly shadow of a girl I turned into, was Aquarius's doing.

 

The moment I had a free solitary moment, I called Taurus to thank him for his respects. Taurus said warmly to me on the phone, that I was not happy living in [City] with Aquarius, he would be more than happy to take me back into his life. I knew what I had to do from that point on.

 

My family and Taurus planned a sting operation to get me back to my hometown. I told Aquarius I had to take another trip down to see my mother for a week. After arriving: my brother, Taurus and myself rented a moving van and drove 8 hours to the apartment. When he was at work, we cleared the place of my stuff. Unfortunately, I felt that was the only safe way I could get out of there. (Aquarius is now completely out of the picture.)

 

This is where it gets really complicated:

 

After my father passed away, my mother wanted to move back and settle in her hometown, and I will name it T-Town. This is 22 hours away from my hometown which I will now call W-City. Mom suggested I move with her to T-Town, but I was back in a relationship with Taurus and didn't want to leave W-City until...

 

I was at a party with Taurus, and we ran into a few friends. One of them, was surprised seeing us back together. She explained why, in full detail:

 

During the time he and I were having troubles approximately a year ago, he was in his best friend's hot tub with four naked girls. They were playing a game. A necklace that I bought Taurus for Christmas one year was involved and the objective was hanging the necklace on one of the girls breast's. Another story was during a time of our relationship he had passionately kissed his best friends' mother's friend at a party.

 

After hearing all of this, I felt physically sick. The man who I loved so much had a shattered image now too. Taurus apparently didn't have sexual relations with any women (that I absolutely know of) during our relationship of 3 years, but how could I possibly find out? I can't.

 

I casted Taurus out of my life again for his betrayal. I informed my mother that I was definitely moving to T-Town with her. She bought a house big enough for the both of us, and the moving date was set 2 months ahead. After a month being Taurus-free. I discovered I only had one month left in W-City and wanted to be friends with him. I truly didn't want to leave and never say another word to him in my life, so I contacted Taurus. We became involved with each other again after only one week and when the day came where I said my goodbye, my heart ached.

 

Fast forward again to now. I have been talking to Taurus and we are in a long distance relationship. I love my mom, but I don't care much for T-Town. I miss my family and friends back in W-City and will be moving once again next spring. It is extremely hard being in a long-distance relationship, especially after what Taurus has done. Although I don't quite forgive him for his past, I do believe he is remaining faithful to me. He was up for a visit just last week, and he truly does love me. We are planning on getting a house together, for when I move back.

 

Now after hearing this long story, here are my questions...finally.

 

What, in your opinion, would be best for Taurus and/or I to do? I am so worried that this will occur again, am I being paranoid? I have beliefs, however, that he is faithful to me right now, am I being naive? Taurus and I have known each other now for 5 years, and we never had any problems whatsoever, until he began to seclude me in April 2001. Anyone share a similar experience of a cheating other? What did you do, and are you still together?

[butterflyz]

it's nice that "taurus" is there for you now and has helped you escape "aquarius". but the fact of the matter remains this:

 

he violated your trust when there was trouble. he desecrated (?) a necklace you gave him in an orgy. just because 2 people have trouble in a relationship doesn't give someone the right to do what he did. it was wrong.

 

i know the world is full of grey. but there is black and there is white, and there is right and there is wrong.

 

the real question is: will he violate your trust again if the chips are down? would he betray you again? no one knows.

 

i would feel hesitant to rekindle a relationship with this person. i'm not a trusting person by nature, and after the year i've had, i'm even less trusting. but, it's not my heart on the line, it's yours.

 

if you go into a relationship waiting for him to expose an untrusting behavior, then it won't work. if you get back into it, waiting for an opportunity to get him back, it won't work. the only way to go is to get back into it with your heart wide open again. and that is something I am unable to do with people who have betrayed me. so that is why i know, that once i'm finished, i'm finished - i would only screw it up. i know my faults and limitations.

 

good luck.

[Female - age 25]

if you go into a relationship waiting for him to expose an untrusting behavior, then it won't work. if you get back into it, waiting for an opportunity to get him back, it won't work. the only way to go is to get back into it with your heart wide open again. and that is something I am unable to do with people who have betrayed me. so that is why i know, that once i'm finished, i'm finished - i would only screw it up. i know my faults and limitations.[/Quote]

I do truly love Taurus, and it will be extremely difficult to forgive him, however I believe that our future relationship together means more to me than a few blackened scuff marks on my heart. I myself, am not the most trusting person also, and I am not the type to even the score with somebody who has done me wrong. I will give our relationship another fair shot, however, this will be the last one.

[butterflyz]

obviously he has not turned you completely off. that's good.

 

a few scuff marks is a few scuff marks. be glad they weren't tire treads.

[Ally Boo]

The only thing I can tell you is....if you love him enough to give him another chance....you have to forget it. I mean, if this is what you want, you have to look past it, not live in fear, and not remind him of what a sh*tty thing he did. You have to foget it as if it never happened...and realize you two are different people...

[HokeyReligions]

First let me tell you how sorry I am that your father passed away. I lost my dad when I was 15 and I know that it hurts.

 

I'm a little confused about the time line of your relationship with Taurus. He was faithful to you when you were together, but after you split up is when he had some sexual encounters of his own -- is that right? If I am correct here, then there should not be a problem. You were living with someone else so why shouldn't he also "sow some wild oats" ?

 

He must have been very hurt to find out that you were involved with Acquarius, and it sounds like he must love you if he wants to make things work out now.

 

Perhaps you both just needed your freedom from each other for a while so that you can approach a future together now.

 

As for what you should do? No one can give you an answer on that. There is no rule book or reciepe for relationships. You have to think about it all and make your own decision.

 

I think to help you sort it all out you should see a counselor for yourself and possibly couples counseling for both of you.

 

Someone outside of the situation can listen to you and help you find your answers, but even they can't tell you step-by-step what to do or make decisions for you. But it does help to have someone help you sort things out so that you are confident and comfortable with your decisions.

[Girl - 25]

The only thing I can tell you is....if you love him enough to give him another chance....you have to forget it. I mean, if this is what you want, you have to look past it, not live in fear, and not remind him of what a sh*tty thing he did. You have to foget it as if it never happened...and realize you two are different people...[/Quote] I admit I have been guilty of throwing it in his face a number of times and have said many hurtful words in retaliation. However, after moving to T-Town and being alone with my thoughts, I discovered that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Although I have always remained faithful to him, I have caused him much grief over the last year.

 

 

First let me tell you how sorry I am that your father passed away. I lost my dad when I was 15 and I know that it hurts.[/Quote]My condolences go out to you as well.

 

 

I'm a little confused about the time line of your relationship with Taurus. He was faithful to you when you were together, but after you split up is when he had some sexual encounters of his own -- is that right? If I am correct here, then there should not be a problem. You were living with someone else so why shouldn't he also "sow some wild oats" ?

These events occurred when Taurus and I were still officially involved in our relationship together.

 

 

I think to help you sort it all out you should see a counselor for yourself and possibly couples counseling for both of you. [/Quote]I personally feel we can get past this setback without counseling. However, I do keep that option open for both of us in case we have difficulties coping. This past year and a half has been a strenuous test regarding our love for each other, and unfortunately, we will continue to be tested until we are finally together again. (not in a long-distance relationship). The worst is over and the best is yet to come, we are both willing to wipe the slate clean and begin our new lives together next spring.

 

 

Again, thank you all for your advice, I sincerely appreciate it!