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What are her intentions?


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Old 2nd March 2009, 4:32 PM   #1
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What are her intentions?

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago, because of my jealousy issues and often getting mad when she went out with friends. I have now realized that doing that was completely wrong, I regret acting that way and I wish I could have changed things before everything went bad.

We are both 26 and were together for 4 yrs, we still love each other very much, have great communication and great chemistry between us.

After the break up we were NC for 1 month and once day I called her regarding some pending issues and the 2 min conversation became a 2 hr conversation. Since then we have been talking about once a week, always for 1 hr +, she has started to flirt with me and we talk like if we just met each other, we joke a lot and have lots of fun talking to each other. Since the breakup none of us have been with anyone else, we haven't met anyone and are not planning to do so. She described the possibility of her meeting someone else as "remote".

What I'm wondering is what are her intentions? She insists on her contacting me (and not the other way around). We have been doing this for the past 3 weeks. I'm expecting a call from her in the next 2 days, however every day I wonder if what I'm doing is the right thing to do, I was really hurt when we broke up, I got better, but after starting contact with her, I been feeling a little down lately, however I wonder is this is her possibly wanting to get back together with me and taking things slow. Is this a normal path for a girl to take if she's trying to get back together with you?

Thanks

Last edited by ca97; 2nd March 2009 at 4:38 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2009, 4:42 PM   #2
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I do find it weird that she wants to be the one initiating contact, and not the other way around. In other words, she only wants to talk to you when SHE wants, not you. You should atleast tread carefully on this one, or else you might get hurt again, hoping (if that is what you are) for something that perhaps isn't there.
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Old 2nd March 2009, 4:53 PM   #3
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I do find it weird that she wants to be the one initiating contact, and not the other way around. In other words, she only wants to talk to you when SHE wants, not you. You should atleast tread carefully on this one, or else you might get hurt again, hoping (if that is what you are) for something that perhaps isn't there.

That's what I'm afraid of, I wonder if its best to call her and speak clearly to her on what are my intentions and for her to tell me what are hers. I just don't want to pressure her and possibly push her away when she might want to take things slow.
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Old 2nd March 2009, 5:10 PM   #4
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The best way to test this is to just ask her out for coffee or something, on your terms. You set the date and time, not her. If she truly is interested she probably will accept. If not, she'll find some excuse.

Telling her your intentions is not a good idea imo, then she will know that she still has power over you, and she will keep doing what she is doing now.

Thats my opinion anyway.
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Old 2nd March 2009, 5:40 PM   #5
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The best way to test this is to just ask her out for coffee or something, on your terms. You set the date and time, not her. If she truly is interested she probably will accept. If not, she'll find some excuse.

Telling her your intentions is not a good idea imo, then she will know that she still has power over you, and she will keep doing what she is doing now.

Thats my opinion anyway.
I concur. The risks/rewards of telling her your intentions without any input from her are difficult to plan for. On the one hand, as you said, you're affraid of putting undue pressure on her by telling her what you want. The other side is that you wont know whether or not youre wasting your time otherwise.

I like this suggestion, call her, say you have time X day to get coffee at X time, and see what she says. If she says 'sure', then take that for what it is. If she starts being wishy washy and not really giving you an answer, well, then you know whats up.

Please do yourself a huge favor and dont read into any of this too much unless she comes out and tells you what she wants. I know, youre thinking 'well she wouldnt do X unless Y was true', but unfortunately, thats not correct.

Quote:
she might want to take things slow
Or she might not want to take things with you at all. Trust me, thats probably the most reaslistic outcome, and you would do yourself a favor to prepare for it now.
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Old 2nd March 2009, 6:47 PM   #6
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I concur. The risks/rewards of telling her your intentions without any input from her are difficult to plan for. On the one hand, as you said, you're affraid of putting undue pressure on her by telling her what you want. The other side is that you wont know whether or not youre wasting your time otherwise.

I like this suggestion, call her, say you have time X day to get coffee at X time, and see what she says. If she says 'sure', then take that for what it is. If she starts being wishy washy and not really giving you an answer, well, then you know whats up.

Please do yourself a huge favor and dont read into any of this too much unless she comes out and tells you what she wants. I know, youre thinking 'well she wouldnt do X unless Y was true', but unfortunately, thats not correct.




Or she might not want to take things with you at all. Trust me, thats probably the most reaslistic outcome, and you would do yourself a favor to prepare for it now.

She just called, we spoke for about 45 min, the conversation started casual and smooth, unfortunately we ended up speaking about us and she basically told me she doesn't want to get back together with me, that she wants to be alone. That she genuinely wants to be my friend but if I decide to be her friend that I should not have any expectations about us getting back together. I think she couldn't have been any clearer.

At least I know where I'm standing.
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Old 2nd March 2009, 8:49 PM   #7
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Just go your own way. Dont spend any time or effort on a one sided friendship, it does you no good.

At least now you know for sure. Sorry man, I've had the same conversation before, and I know it stings.
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Old 2nd March 2009, 9:27 PM   #8
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Just go your own way. Dont spend any time or effort on a one sided friendship, it does you no good.

At least now you know for sure. Sorry man, I've had the same conversation before, and I know it stings.

Yes, you're right, I think that even if she insists on having a friendship with me, it is the worst thing I can do. I genuinely believe that she really intends on having a true friendship and is not telling me that to make me feel better, but I know that if I continue to talk to her I will never be able to move on, and that is not good for me.

She told me that she believes I can control my jealousy issue, and I truly believe I can as well, however she says that our relationship is "tainted" (because we used to have sporadical fights that sometimes got really bad, we said some harmful things to each other, however this has stopped over the past 6 months) I thought we had overcome that problem, but obviously she doesn't.
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Old 3rd March 2009, 2:45 AM   #9
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Similar issue I've been having, but I'm realizing it's just all in my mind. Got to move on. Does no one any good. Still sucks, but in the end we'll come out better human beings.

Best of luck to you.
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