NC - Bad Terms

[artemisentreri]

Here's the quick version of my story: I'm in college, my ex of 4 years (and best friend of 6 years before that) left me in October. We had been having a lot of fights and I have to say towards the end I had temper control issues and treated her poorly and yelled at her a lot. Anyways, she left me for one of my best friends (ugh). After 6 weeks I went NC and she came back in 3 days. I took her back too soon, she wasn't over the other guy and she left again after a very confused period. She never broke it off with me totally (always in "the future" and "definitely by this summer" and this and that) but now they're living together on campus so I decided to go NC again.

 

The problem is that the last time she tried to get back with me (she had thought she would take the semester off and stay home so she would have been away from the new guy permanently) I told her she was not ready. Then she ended up coming to school and started to ignore me a lot for a bit over a week and we had very limited contact. I didn't know she was with the new guy again but I did know they were talking when she had said they were no longer in contact so I ended up writing her an e-mail telling her I wanted to go NC. I also told her it was either me or the new guy but not the both of us in any sense, not even as friends. She tried to contact me for a few days and she wasn't happy about my decision. I said not to talk to me until at least late March (this was right when Feb. started) and she was convinced we would talk by her birthday in late April.

 

Anyways, after our last talk, which was on AIM, I ran into her on a bus and I realized I needed closure to go full NC. Later that day I called her and she didn't answer. I went to her place (the one she pretended to live in but is empty) and then the guy's place to talk to her face to face. I knew she was at his place so I rang the doorbell and stayed there for like 10 minutes. She didn't answer and later that night IMed me making up a BS story about how I had scared the guy's roommate by banging on the door (I didn't). Anyways, we spoke on the phone and she refused to give me any closure (she said a breakup wasn't what she wanted, she still wanted the same things for us in the future but needed time to take care of herself etc. etc.). I did my best to try to get her to break up with me but she didn't and I didn't really get my closure. I also tried to make it clear that for us it was dating or nothing (and that she had to pick between me and him.) It was a clear ultimatum and I'm not sure if it was the best idea.

 

So then we stop talking. Two days later my ex posts that she is in a relationship with the other guy again on fb and I get a long e-mail from her mother telling me to stop harassing her and the guy or she would get the campus police involved. I got blamed for a phone call the guy's ex made and other such nonsense and I eventually called the mother, who apologized to me about the e-mail. I proposed a 3-way call between her, my ex, and me but supposedly my ex refused because she wasn't ready or whatnot. The last convo with her mom was friendly, she said she loved me (but had to "protect" her daughter, wth) and to keep in touch and "keep her in the loop" and that my ex would eventually call me. I asked if she hated me (since she apparently thinks of me as a violent and abusive guy although she has NO reason to) and she said no. She is still on good terms with my mother and they e-mailed about some plane tickets.

 

So that was it, I've not talked to my ex for 22 days and her mother for 20 days. We see each other in class twice a week and don't even look at each other. The one exception was when I saw her walking with the guy holding hands and she looked me in the eye with a really guilty/bothered look.

 

OK, so...I am open to reconciliation and that is what I hope for but I am not *expecting* it. I am 99% sure the guy is a rebound or mayyyybe GIGS. It fits: glaring incompatibilities, moving wayyy too fast (moving in after a week!), no time between relationships (same for him and his ex of three years) etc. etc. He goes to college with us but he lives across the country from us and is graduating next year (so am I but she is not) so you can add upcoming long-distance to the list. Besides, she already left him once and she said herself she wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship right now.

 

With this in mind, I would like to know if this NC has any chance at helping a reconciliation. I am using the time to heal and do new stuff but I feel that since we ended on such odd terms and now totally ignore each other that the outlook isn't too good. Even though she was so, so upset every time I mentioned NC at this point I don't know that she will ever call. I realize that she has been acting selfishly and in an unstable way but I still want her in my life.

 

Our last "indirect" contact was when I was looking at her fb (I have since stopped). She kept posting happy statuses everrry day and then a pic of them together. Very few people look at her facebook and I think she did it at least in part to get to me.

 

Now I know some of you will say that maybe I should have not fought with her as much. However, I worked on this the first time she left and I have fixed those problems with myself. When she came back, she even admitted that they were "gone but that now there are new ones to deal with." Let me also point out that she came back to me once already despite the fighting because she saw the changes I was making.

 

I don't want to give even more details but suffice it to say there have been many, many times between october and february where she expressed her deep feelings for me and our supposed future together. She said herself she was confused and means everything she says "at the time she says it." I can't help but feel that if she dumps this guy there is a much better chance for her to contact me (and probably attempt to reconcile) but that may not happen until graduation in May.

 

I'm not looking for people to tell me "forget it, too much baggage, move on"....so please don't bother posting that. I am rather looking for opinions on the way NC was initiated and whether or not there is anything I can do to mitigate the tension that is undoubtedly present between us right now.

 

I do realize that, in the end, I need to move on and that if anything happens it will need to be a totally new relationship. However, I want to maximize the chances of having that option.

[CaliGuy]

I do realize that, in the end, I need to move on and that if anything happens it will need to be a totally new relationship. However, I want to maximize the chances of having that option.

 

The funny thing about second chances is this:

 

The MORE you want a second chance, the LEAST likely it is to happen.

The LESS you want a second chance, the MORE likely it is to happen.

 

Sounds odd, right? Makes no sense, right?

 

WRONG.

 

The reason this happens is because exs can smell desperation quite easily. The more you want it, the more they can smell it.

 

The less you want a second chance, the more mysterious, confident and self-assured you appear (whether you are or not).

 

The bottom line is none of this is in your control. If your ex really wants you, she will track you down like a lioness on the hunt. You don't have to do a thing (and it's better if you DON'T).

 

See, everyone thinks "If I go NC my ex will forget about me and move on with their life!"

 

WRONG.

 

The more quiet you are. The more mysterious you are. The more you disappear from an ex's life, the more likely they are to think about you. Now, this in NO WAY means they will want you back. Again, that is out of your control and in most cases, if they have found someone new, they WILL move on and forget about you.

 

So what options do you have? Well, I'll tell you. You have ONE.

 

1) Move on with your life.

 

"But Caliguy, I cant. I won't!" It's your life to live as you want. If you take choice #1, well you WILL heal and be open to new relationships. You WILL be better set for the next woman to come into your life.

 

And should your ex decide she wants you back, it will be YOU who is in charge. You who makes the decision to take her back or not.

 

Odds are, if you have healed fully, you will have found someone you cherish 1000 times more than your ex.

 

And you'll never look back.

[AgentSmith2009]

Don't know if you've ever seen The Secret, but I think there is something to the law of attraction. I can't explain it, but I think there is something to the idea that ex's can pick up on your emotional state. If you are still pining away for them, somehow they can detect that, even in NC. And, if you are over them, the can pick up on that too, even in NC.

 

BTW, I think all of the men on this board should read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida ASAP. Great book for dealing with and understanding women.

[CaliGuy]

Don't know if you've ever seen The Secret, but I think there is something to the law of attraction. I can't explain it, but I think there is something to the idea that ex's can pick up on your emotional state. If you are still pining away for them, somehow they can detect that, even in NC. And, if you are over them, the can pick up on that too, even in NC.

 

BTW, I think all of the men on this board should read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida ASAP. Great book for dealing with and understanding women.

 

I haven't read that book. I think the required reading for most men here should be "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). I think learning one's self and how to be a MAN is more important than understanding women. Being comfortable with who you are as a man will correct most of the relationship issues men are complaining about here on LS.

[BCCA]

I haven't read that book. I think the required reading for most men here should be "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). I think learning one's self and how to be a MAN is more important than understanding women. Being comfortable with who you are as a man will correct most of the relationship issues men are complaining about here on LS.

 

Glover's book is a great asset to every guy out there who falls into the trap of feeling sorry for themselves because they are a 'nice guy'. Real eye opener.

 

Caliguy knows what he's talking about, and I totally agree with everything he said. Second chaces rarely ever work out, anyway.

 

Honestly, most of us end a relationship and never look back. I've been thinking about the last girl I dumped, which was a long time ago (maybe 8 years, I've always been the one dumped since), and I never even tried to contact her again, ever. When its over, its usually over.

[artemisentreri]

OK so I understand what all of you are saying and although I haven't read the books you mention I agree with everything. I have been finding myself moving on litttttle by little. I have increasingly frequent and long periods of not caring and/or feeling happy despite all this.

 

However, as far as a potential reconciliation goes, I'm just really concerned because our last communication(s) before NC was so negative. Now we ignore each other in class and I see either her or the both of them around the campus almost every day (like today). Seeing them bothers me some but a lot less each time it happens, so again that's good progress. It's just that I cant's shake the idea that our current "NC on bad terms" makes ANY chance of reconciliation laughable. Any thoughts on that?

[BCCA]

the idea that our current "NC on bad terms" makes ANY chance of reconciliation laughable

 

The idea of reconciliation is laughable, PERIOD. Honestly, if you look at cold hard facts, youre hoping to be in the less than 5% of people that have success with a second chance. Would you go gamble at a casino where you only had a 5% chance to win? Probably not.

 

Add to that, this girl seems to have 0% interest in you at all. Trust me, she just wants you to go away, and probably is happier that you dont want to talk to her vs. long, tear filled conversations. And its not like shes making a hell of an effort to make things right, so dont take all the blame for where things are at right now.

 

she said herself she wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship right now

 

My friend, that is 100% pure and utter bulls**t. Anyone who says that is just blowing you off, dont believe it for one second. I know a lot of girls that talk to me about their relationship, and that is a complete lie. Let me finish what she's really saying for you here:

 

She isn't ready to be in a serious relationship WITH YOU.

 

I am 99% sure the guy is a rebound

 

I'm 100% sure you dont know that, and 100% sure it makes no differnce. She chose him over you, thats the way it is. I know how crappy that sounds, but thats really all you need to know.

 

Please, just let this one go.

[artemisentreri]

Wow, thanks for that. You know, why don't you guys just go ahead and delete the second chances forum altogether?

[BCCA]

Wow, thanks for that. You know, why don't you guys just go ahead and delete the second chances forum altogether?

 

 

I'm sorry if I made you upset, that truly wasnt my intent. For me personally, I want to hear the truth straight up. I dont like wasting time with trying to make a crappy situation look like roses.

 

There are times in life when a second chance presents itself and you need help making a decision. Thats what this is for. What this is not for is handing out hope to those who deserve the truth, so that they can move on. Its not for empty promises and just saying what sounds nice at the time. Im sure you have enough people to do that, and you coming here tells me that isnt working, either.

 

Just accept things for what they are, and focus on moving on. Thats really the best advice anyone can give you, and trust me, Ive gotten so pissed off when people said it to me - but one day, youll appreciate it a lot more than the people who BS'd you and gave you false hopes.

[artemisentreri]

I know that in the end, you're right. Sorry to have gotten upset, this is obviously pretty sensitive for me. Even if she and I don't reconcile, I would hate for us never to speak again, we have been best friends for 10 years and that's pretty much half our lives right now. I guess that upsets me the most so I was upset at your 0% interest comment.

 

The thing is she HAD shown a lot of interest and given me a huge number of mixed messages, which would take too long to detail here. I know that it was mostly or all BS but it prevented me from getting closure. She even refused to break up with me right at the end.

 

She's being very dumb... come May this guy will be totally gone and she doesn't have many friends back home. I would at least want us to remain friends, once I am over it enough that her dating others will not bother me.

 

Do you think it would help me to start dating other people casually right now? It's my last semester of college but I haven't chased after a girl in 4 years so I feel very very out of practice ...

[BCCA]

Trust me man, I know how you feel. I'm 6 months out of a 5 year relationship, where we lived together and I thought we wer going to get married. When she broke up with me, she gave me this mixed message business for MONTHS. When it was all said and done, not only were we not getting back together, but the very thought of being in the same room as her makes my skin crawl. There is no shot at ever being her friend, period.

 

You're doing another thing I did. You feel sorry for her because she doesnt have a lot of people but you. You have to think about it like this, though, it was her choice to put you on waivers. Any relationship involves a mutual benefit. I doubt anyone would go to work if they didn't pay you. Being her friend under these circumstances is going to be the most one way friendship you've ever seen. Trust me, as soon as she starts dating someone else, she's going to have no time for you. I've been through it, and man, you dont want to stay on the ship until it goes down all the way.

 

The zero interest remark was harsh, sorry. Sometimes when I read these stories it reminds me of my ex, and it pisses me off to no end when people act like this. It's really so selfish, and most people dont even realize, or admit, that they're doing it. When you break up with someone, let them be. Don't drag them along until youre good and done with them, its just cruel.

 

Hang in there man. Just think of your own best interests first, then about others.

[colosseum]

BCCA & CaliGuy both preach the truth: break-ups suck but it's best to leave it as what it was. I've been getting out of a similar situation myself recently, and it's a pain in the as* but it's the best outcome.

 

Besides, all relationships--and I mean all--end up in 2 things and 2 things only: break-up, or marriage (or some life-long relationship). Right? Puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

 

Move on--you're better than she and this situation.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

...When she broke up with me, she gave me this mixed message business for MONTHS. When it was all said and done, not only were we not getting back together, but the very thought of being in the same room as her makes my skin crawl. There is no shot at ever being her friend, period.

 

You're doing another thing I did. You feel sorry for her because she doesnt have a lot of people but you. You have to think about it like this, though, it was her choice to put you on waivers. Any relationship involves a mutual benefit. I doubt anyone would go to work if they didn't pay you. Being her friend under these circumstances is going to be the most one way friendship you've ever seen. Trust me, as soon as she starts dating someone else, she's going to have no time for you. I've been through it, and man, you dont want to stay on the ship until it goes down all the way...

 

Quoted for truth.

 

Hang in there man. Just think of your own best interests first, then about others.

 

artemisentreri, it's a rough time. Take care of you, or you won't be any good for anyone.

 

It'll be okay.

 

*hugs*