Will she care?

[CaliforniaSky]

My gf of 6 months put us on a break about two months ago and I was devastated, whats worse was that she wouldn't give me a straight answer, always saying she couldn't say we would get back together, but she couldn't say we wouldn't. Needless to say, I felt totally helpless and scared that she'd realise she didn't want me. About a month after the break up we started talking again but a week later she stopped returning my calls. It was about this point when I just told myself it was over and tried to get over her. Now, my problem is this, during that moment of clarity when I decided to get over her I found a friend of mine who had also just been dumped, and she met me later that week for some casual sex. Nothing became of it and we both knew that we were both on the rebound and it meant nothing, but a couple weeks later my ex started calling me again and said that she wants to give it another shot, I'm scared to tell her of my little rendezvous in case she freaks out and leaves me for good. I love my ex and I have little to no feelings bout the other girl, but I dunno if I can keep it a secret from her.

[butterflyz]

but my philosophy is this:

unless this "friend" of yours is someone that both of you will be socializing with or somehow she impacts your relationship, then it is best not to discuss it. your girlfriend put you on break, so she needs to deal with the consequences.

 

if you are the spiteful type, then you'll tell her just to see her hurt and react. if you are mature, then you won't say anything, unless the "friend" fits into the category mentioned above.

 

will she care? that's a tough question to answer. if you are considering telling her because you want to see if she cares, then you are immature. people that do things to get a reaction are immature little snots. and insecure, i might add. the big boys don't play those games. i wouldn't play those games.

 

does she care for you? only she knows. sometimes people care, but realize that there is no future, so they disconnect. why do they feel there is no future? again, it is relationship-specific.

 

all i know, is that when people have sex with others after a break up it kind of taints any possibility for reconciliation. but, you never know.

 

if i were her, i'd probably care. but, if you told me you really thought it was over, then i really couldn't get angry. it's just that, if i truely loved someone and circumstances put us apart, then i would feel that he never really loved me if he could have sex with someone else so soon. i know sex is sex and doesn't always equal love (for men and women). but i wouldn't do it, but i know that i'm not like most people.

 

i don't know if this helps, but good luck.

[CaliforniaSky]

hey butterflyz, ur online now so i'm gonna keep posting. No, this isn't a mutual friend, its someone I hardly ever talk to or see. And I'd never tell her just to see her get hurt. The only reason I would tell her is if it weighed on my conscience, and I think the only reason I'd feel like that is if I considered it cheating. And I would consider it cheating if I hadn't have felt like it was over, considering she hadn't returned any of my calls and didn't talk to me. I am very aware that sex taints any chance for reconciliation which is why I didn't hook up with anyone when I thought there was still a chance.

However, its very likely that she may have done the same thing, I don't know.

[CaliforniaSky]

"if i truely loved someone and circumstances put us apart, then i would feel that he never really loved me if he could have sex with someone else so soon."

 

I know what u mean, I feel the exact same way. However, it was a long time since we broke up, I'd turned down a couple girls beforehand too because I did think there was a chance that we would get back together and it was only after I'd lost all hope that I even considered it. Ironically, it was after I'd lost all hope that she decided she wanted a second chance.

[HokeyReligions]

I may be a little confused here, but let me see if I have this right.

 

Your girlfriend told you she wanted to take a break, but not break-up so there was no closure to the relationship.

 

You decided to go along with this because you felt she didn't give you any other choice because you love her.

 

After a while you decided that the relationship was over, but did not send her a message saying that so to you the relationship was over, but to her the relationship was on a break.

 

Sometimes relationships do need some time apart, but this does NOT mean its okay to have sex with someone else. If you can't control your sex drive you have a problem. What about disease? Did you think of that? Condoms are not 100% effective against any disease or pregnancy.

 

If you decided the relationship was over then you needed to put your own closure to it even if it means a voice message or email saying "I really love you and I'm hurt, but I can not go on like this so I'm moving on with my life"

 

Now you are feeling guilty because you KNOW that you technically cheated - there was no closure to the relationship. Sometimes love hurts and bad decisions make it worse.

 

I think honesty is always the best policy. If you are carrying around a lump of dishonesty in your heart it's going to block the trust between you two if you do get back together. Be honest about it and if she closes the relationship then you have to deal with it. Your actions have consequences. She might be hurt now, but it's better than finding out later and forever wondering if you are being honest with her.

 

If she keeps taking a break from the relationship I wouldn't keep going back - that sounds very manipulative. She's been hurting you and you continue to enable her to do it by going along. That needs to stop.

[butterflyz]

well, it's not right to keep someone on string, which is what she did with you. But like hokeyreligion said, it does not mean it's time for sex. but...we are not in the thick of it...you are.

 

isn't funny how people want you when you are finally over them. it always happens to me like that. and the funny thing about me, is that i want to be treated well when i'm in it, not when i'm removing myself. i don't like the "too little too late" treatment. just like a job...don't give me a raise when i'm quitting. VALUE ME WHILE I'M HERE.

 

but, people always want what they can't have, so be careful that she doesn't all of a sudden want you because she knows you are not there for her anymore.

[CaliforniaSky]

thanks butterflyz, I admit I was sorta angry cause I came here for advice and most of the posts just seemed to be abuse, if I wanted abuse I could've gone somewhere else, but u seemed to at least be fair. I've decided that I'll wait to see what happens, I don't know 100% that she wants to get back together, and if she does and it comes up then I'll tell her, if she has a problem with it then we'll work it out but I can't change what's happened.

 

The thing is, is that I didn't go looking for it, as I said I'd turned down a few offers before cause I was waiting for her. But after a long period where she didn't call or return my calls and all my friends saying that I should just get over it it sorta had an effect on me and I guess when the oppurtunity was there I took it.

 

I'm not really happy with my decision, I shouldn't have done it but what's done is done and if she really did like me she would see past that, she knows it didn't mean anything otherwise I would have tried to pursue it further. And, as I said before, it's highly likely she has done the same thing, I just don't know.

 

Thanks again, I'll let u know how it goes, or if u have anything to add I'll reply to it.

[Ally Boo]

Well, ya know, she really can't be upset. She broke up with YOU, remember? You weren't cheating on her. I just recently found out that my bf slept with someone I really hate, after we broke up...but I couldn't get mad about it, and didn't.

[butterflyz]

you didn't go looking for it. if you think she did the same, then okay, you are even. but, she still might care, because of her ego being wounded.

 

i guess only you can determine whether or not to tell her. in your situation, knowing that she may have done the same thing, it might be good to clear the air. it's so tricky this thing called love.

 

i would care, for different reasons. but then again, i wouldn't jump in the sack with someone right away after a break up. but, if she didn't return your calls, etc. then she really has no one to blame but herself

 

good luck.