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LOVE... (warning-- long...)


Leikela

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So, I always thought love was something that took lots of time to develop. That was how I fell in love with my ex-boyfriend when I was 16 years old. We started out as friends and then things progressed to a higher level and I found myself in love with the guy. Of course our love got stronger over time (it ended up to be an 8 year relationship) and I got the impression that was how love worked.

 

Since our relationship ended about a year and 2 months ago, I have met and dated many different guys and even liked a few to the point where I thought love had potential. Then I met HIM... It wasn't instant fireworks, as I met him under a professional setting but once we took it to the personal level, I was hooked. After about a month of dating him and getting to know him a little better I had very strong emotions for him.

 

One weekend we were supposed to get together and he never called me and I didn't hear from him for at least a week and a half. So, I got the hint and wrote him an e-mail saying I at least wanted to be friends. In the meantime I noticed myself engaging in very unhealthy behaviors like going out with friends and getting drunk more often, among other things...

 

This type of acting out is typical of me when I am hurting deeply. Shortly after I began to realize that my emotions went a lot deeper then I had originally thought. I was mouring this guy so much because I loved him. Could it really be? After only a month of dating, there are so many things that remind me of him. We are different in our own ways, but in other ways we are the same. There is just this unspoken connection there I cannot explain. My whole concept of love has been turned around. True, my love for him isn't rock solid but alas it is love. I never believed in that kind of love, but now I know it exists. Have I totally lost it or what? :confused:

 

Well, I heard from him the other day and he basically poured out his soul to me, telling me that he does want to get to know me but has a lot on his plate at the moment. He went on to explain to me all that he is going through. He ended his letter by saying he hoped I realized he did want to get to know me and that now, I can get to know him.

 

That whole e-mail threw me through a loop. I hadn't expected to hear from him again at all, but it was definitely a pleasant surprise. So with him telling me all that stuff about him, he basically needs space, right? I am kinda lost on what my next move is. I did write him back telling him that I appreciated his honesty and that I could relate with him on some things. I also made it clear that I was there to talk to him about anything and that I was a good listener. Then I invited him to a Mets game this weekend (something we were supposed to do before) and haven't heard from him and I sent the e-mail on Wednesday. I have a feeling I rushed things a bit too much, huh? Should I call him or just let it go and invite someone else?

 

Thanks for any comments or feedback.

 

Peace....

 

 

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You extended an invitation to him, which required a timely reply. He hasn't given one. Interpret that as a "no thanks" (without the thanks). Invite someone else, someone you won't "un-ask" if BlunderBoy decides to accept at the last minute.

 

The bottom line is, this guy is being rude to you. It doesn't take very long to write a 3 line email that says, "Dear Leikela, thanks for the invite. I'd love to see the Mets but this is a bad weekend for me. Let's get together sometime in the next week or so." The last line being optional. The first 2 sentences are required. It's called manners. He clearly has none. Unless he's in a hospital somewhere, in a coma, there is no excuse.

 

Here's his underlying message: "I like you and would like to spend time with you at my convenience. I come first, my stuff is way more important to me than any other considerations, including common courtesy. Expect nothing from me, but do feel free to give as much of your time, attention, understanding, and sympathy as possible. I'll be kind to you sometimes, even romantic and seemingly deep, when the mood strikes me, but don't expect it. I'll always have a perfectly valid reason for disappointing you, so you'll never be in a position to get angry with me. Don't call me, I'll call you."

 

Is that someone you want to date?

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I completely agree with Midori!

 

Also, I think it's kind of a trap when relationships end unexpectedly or before we are ready to let them go. We start fantasizing (a tad) about the person, and building them up to be something they aren't. (I do this all the time.) A month isn't very long at all to know someone.

 

He is rude. And let me tell you, (I always say this), if he wanted to date you, he'd find the time. Trust me, he would. I don't care how much is on his plate. He has to eat, right? You could meet him for dinner for an hour or two. He's certainly not busy 24X7. I seriously doubt he's not seeing his friends at all. He could find an hour or two for you two or three times a week if he really, really wanted to. I mean, think about it. You know what it's like to be busy, but you also know that you do have downtime at times as well. He's not inviting you into his downtime, which to me means he's just not there all the way right now.

 

That's not to say that you may never hear from him again. Who knows, you might. But you've made the gallant effort and invited him out, and he didn't even have the courtesy to respond. What a jerk. Don't contact him again. Just leave it up to him. He knows that you forgive him, and he knows where you stand, so the ball is totally in his court now.

 

And...date on! There are too many guys out there not to!

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it's great that you can feel love. it is unfortunate that it is with someone who can't really be there for you. and that's the bottom line, he's not there and you shouldn't wait.

 

i'm sure your phone is ringing with guys calling. go to the game with someone else. maybe you'll get that spark with someone else soon.

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Hi All,

 

Thanks so much for all your feedback. You all are so RIGHT! It took reading your responses to realize the truth. I don't know why I even considered wasting my time with this man. However, I still do feel as though I truly love him. Ugh... :mad:

 

Anyway, there is somewhat of a happy ending to this though. I ended up going to the Mets game with a guy I dated back in March. I always liked this guy but we ended up just being friends for various reasons. Well, we started hanging out again pretty frequently over the past month and last night he put it all out on the table for me. He told me he was crazy about me and that he wanted to go the long haul with me. I told him I needed some time to think about all of this since my head is not in the right place right now to make that kind of decision. I do like him though and who knows what may happen, so things are looking up.

 

Thanks again guys for some great advice!! :)

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Just A Girl2

i know exactly where u are coming from. I come out of a 4 year relationship that ended quite nicely, still great friends with the guy and then went into a month relationship. After it all i felt i truelly LOVED the guy. I know that i hardly know him from only a month but found that what i did know i felt like we were really ment for each other.

 

Anywayz, here's the full story:

 

 

I had made fairly good friends with a guy i was interested in while at the end of a long-term relationship. Once the long term relationship ended i quickly started to date this new guy, Mr X. The new guy had told me that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship because he was in a serious relationship (over a year long) before me and hurt himself and the other person when he ended the relationship. At the time i also wasn't wanting a serious relationship because i had just come out of a much longer relationship. He had also told me that he didnt want anything serious and therefore if anyone else come along for either of us it would be less hurtful to seperate.

 

During the course of time that we dated (which was only a few weeks) i found myself feeling very fond of him and hoping that the relationship would develop into something more. I had told him how attached i was starting to get and he said he felt the same. Not too long after i found out that he was meeting up with another girl (supposely with a group of friends), he was interested in this girl but assured me that nothing was gonna happen while he was with me.

 

I quickly jumped to conclusions and decided to talk it out with him and try and resolve the issue saying that if he was going to continue seeing me, it had to be only me. He said he wasn't going to change his ways and i didn't wanna change my point of view either so the relationship ended that day as us parting as friends.

 

I later found out that he is dating this other girl and has for a few

months now. He tells me that he isn't having a serious relationship with this girl either, however from other statements he makes it sounds like he is planning to pursue it further. They already broke up once and got back together and he said to me at the time that he didn't wanna see anyone else, he really cares for her. Ofcourse over the time that we weren't together i got extremely upset and angry and said alot of nasty things to him, some of which i still believe are truthful.

 

What i wonder is, can a guy that has previously had a committed

relationship have one thats not, then go back to being committed again? Or is it more likely that he will end up cheating on this girl also.

 

Unfortunately i still care for him quite alot, but his feelings for me

surely have disappeared. He claims that because i got nasty towards him after we broke up that he doesn't see me the same way anymore. I know for a fact that i wouldn't be like that again. I find it very hard to move on past this relationship, dispite the small amount of time we spent together. Any advice?

 

By the way, i find it ironic that i wasn't allowed to stop him from

seeing other girls, but his new girlfriend doesn't like me and him

being friends (because i am his ex) and he is abiding by her wishes, to a point. We still talk when we see each other, but i'm the one usually initiation conversation.

 

 

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I know this relationship may differ from yours, however i know i truelly love this guy and find it very hard to move on because i see him atleast once every 2 weeks where i study.

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I can totally relate with your post. Yes, our situations are different but if you look closely enough, they really are the same. We both feel this burning desire (love) for a guy who isn't ready to committ to us, nor treat us right.

 

Upon closer examination, maybe that is why we feel so strongly about these guys. We both came out of a long relationship, which even though they can end nicely, it doesn't mean you come out of it unscathed or unhurt. I think we long for what we know we can't have or what we know we aren't ready for. That might be half of what we feel. Maybe all it takes is a close feeling to someone and the unavailable status which turns on all this appeal.

 

Of course realizing all of this doesn't take away the feelings. I know I still think about him everyday and wonder what he is up to. The mere glimpse of him still makes my heart pound and my breath evaporate. All of time stands still. I just saw him this morning (he works right next to me) and I literally think my heart skipped a beat.

 

I think the way to get over all of this is to just accept that you aren't with him. Know in your heart that if it was meant to be, it will happen. In the meantime, occupy yourself with other things so as not to dwell on your loss. It is hard to mend a broken heart but with enough patience and endurance, freedom from those feeling will be yours.

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Love,

 

I think love does show up when you least expect it, that is why it is nice to have an open mind, and an open heart.

 

Both parties must be emotionally available. I think everyone has "alot on their plate". The world-wide answer to "how are you" is "it's been busy". Truly, who doesn't have multiple things going on? If someone doesn't have time for a relationship due to "things on their plate" - I would take it as them not being emotionally ready for a relationship. Everytime I hear someone say that they are too busy for this or too busy for that, that they simply cannot keep up with all of their tasks, they prove otherwise. Without exception these "busy" people find time for their friends, shopping, trips, watching tv, going to the movies, enjoying hobbies, etc. It doesn't stop them from test-driving the newest motorcycle, or jet-skiing, or visiting friends, or going to the bar. I'd say that these "busy" people have made their choice as to what is important - and they make the time for it, busy or not.

 

That said, some people are just plain scared of a relationship due to past hurts and disappointments. Or, some people honestly do not want to get anyone else tangled up in their matters. Maybe they feel that their choices will be viewed as the matters being more important than people. Or there is an embarrassment in the situation. Or maybe the situation will make these people seem like they have a crazy family/crazy friends/crazy job and they don't feel like getting analyzed.

 

I think this person sharing/pouring their soul out means something. I've had the latter part of my previous paragraph - people that like to "analyze" my situation (as if?!). The choice is to stick to what you believe and your feeling - or listening to those little voices (whether your own doubts or someone elses).

 

The only risk is the one not taken.

 

Lauren

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Hi Lauren,

 

Thanks for your fresh perspective about the whole situation. You are right. He is obviously not emotionally ready to even have a friendship with me so... I have already moved on but won't hesitate to be his friend when he is ready. He really is a great person but just needs this time to himself.

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