I treat him bad, now i want him back!!!

[Elsie]

I met Ian on 19th September 1998 at the local 'wine bar'. It was a bit of a dump to be honest but the only place to go in the small Norfolk town where i lived. He had just turned 18 and I was 18 in a few weeks. We were inseparable from then onwards. Even when he worked away in the week he would spend all his money on phoning me. I loved him and he loved me. I was sweet back then!!!! The first time we slept together was unplanned although we should have seen it coming. We'd been together for 3 months. It was the first time for both of us. We took no precautions and a few weeks later i guessed that I was expecting his baby though didnt say cause i thought he'd leave me.

We were getting on so well that we decided to move in together but my parents were strict so we decided to go without telling them so we had to move way so they wouldnt find us!!! During this time Ian guessed about the baby and it was confirmed by a home test. He wanted to keep the baby and be a family.

Unfortunately we lost the baby but tried again and now have a little boy who's nearly 3. We are also expecting another next month.

We hated where we moved to so moved back to where we grew up. I started to get bossy and contolling but only cause Ian let me. It became a habit and i treat him badly cause i THOUGHT

he wouldnt leave me but 6 weeks ago he moved back to his mums. I've realised how wrong i was and if he came back i would be so good to him but how can i get his trust back? I even proposed to him on the radio but he turned me down!!!!

[badz2801]

Hey Elsie

 

I read your post and saw that your boy had my name so I thought I would comment on what you are dealing with.

 

My gf of 11 months left me and she treated me very badly the last few months. I promised that I would never leave her and I kept my promise even during the bad times.

 

What he is dealing with is probably something close to what I am dealing with. I loved Rachel because I thought she would never hurt me and would always be there for me. Come to find out she did the exact opposite of that. I thought we were very close and talked about marriage and kids. I am still healing, but what I know now is that I wont take her back.

 

You see he might be like me. Once you hurt him, he does not view you in the same way anymore. Now when he lays next to you in bed he probably remembers the bad things and not the good. I know where he is coming from, because it is the same reason I will not take Rachel back. He probably still loves you, but does not want to risk you hurting him again.

 

The only suggestion that I can give you is to go to his place, do something special and beg for his forgiveness. Tell him what you want and then show him you have changed. You could show him by starting out by being his friend. It sounds like you need to rebuild things and show him you would be willing to take a bullet for him. I hope this helps and this is just my opinion, as I am only 20 and still new to this game.

 

Good luck and next time when you have a man that treats you well dont treat him like ****.

 

Sincerely

Ian

[Ally Boo]

Just because he may look at her different doesn't mean he can't look past it one day.

 

The first thing that struck me in your post, was the fact that you said you got controlling only bc HE let you. He isn't in control of your actions, he can't make or not make you do ANYTHING....only YOU can. Until you accept that, you'll never get anywhere.

 

You are the mother of his 2 children...of course he loves you. He probably feels very betrayed and hurt. Although your "mean" actions are very vague, they must have been pretty bad...bad enough for him to feel like he needed to get out.

 

What I would suggest you do, is look at what has happened these last few months (or longer) and accept responsibility for what is YOUR fault, and get some respect for him. You are a team...but you'll never go anywhere if you don't love and respect each other. You sound a little "relationship immature" but hey, who isn't? Just talk to him and find out what you CAN do to prove to him that you are safe for him to come back to. Then you talk to him and find out what you need from him so that you won't walk all over him. And then DO IT! Sounds like you have a great man here.

 

Also...you don't just go from being "so sweet" to a total bitch overnight. Find out what it is that caused your personality change....hormones? The thought that you could treat him like **** and he'd never leave? Only you know....find out and fix it.

[beaker]

how can i get his trust back

There is no magic bullet that will allow you to get his trust back right away, assuming trust is the problem. It may be possible, but it's going to be a gradual process that will take some time.

 

I'll be honest and tell you a situation like this -- involving young children -- is beyond my immediate experience. Therefore I'm going to conveniently ignore the real meaty important issues here, like "Is a guy who runs and hides in his mommy's house right before you have his baby going to be a good father?" and so forth.

 

If in a sane, rational manner you decide that yes, you want this guy back in your life (and I doubt rational describes your decision-making process right now, if it ever did), then the only thing you can do is demonstrate that your bad behaviour was an "aberration" by apologizing and acting normally the rest of the way. Assuming that's possible, of course. If your behaviour was really the only problem, then he'll gradually come around if and when he sees you behaving normally. Desperate pleadings and beggings that you MUST have him back, that you NEED him, marriage proposals over the radio... this pathetic repetition is all pointless, because I'm sure he understood it the first time. It also makes you seem totally unstable, going from treating him badly to teary-eyed pleading, and he won't find that the slightest bit reassuring. Never, ever tell him that you NEED to get back together with him, only tell him that you WANT to. There's a big difference.

 

I can't write any more, this is too messed up for me and I'm getting pissed off at mistakes that have already been made and can't be changed.

 

I will leave you with this: contrary to what was said in a previous post, the fact he's the father of your two children does not automatically mean he loves you. Given the childish nature of this whole situation, it might not mean anything more than that the two of you don't know how to use a condom properly.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by beaker

it might not mean anything more than that the two of you don't know how to use a condom properly.

 

I didn't mean that he was giving her children because he loved her. But he has to love his kids, and most men love the person that gave them the children...but that doesn't mean that they are IN love with them. Sorry for the confusion.

[butterflyz]

like badz2801 said above, when you hurt someone deep down, to the bone, they don't look at you the same way anymore. it doesn't matter that he LET you do it. no decent human being would do that.

 

it doesn't matter if it is not intentional. the problem is knowing that the person that hurt you has the potential to do it again. if they did it once, how likely is it that they'll do it again?

 

and if the hurt was humiliating, it is that much worse.

 

my suggestion, is to look elsewhere for love. sometimes, too much bad has happened to ever make it good again. he'll always have his armor on around you, maybe with someone else, he wouldn't. so maybe he would be happier without you - so don't be selfish - let him go. you may have done enough damage.

[Elsie]

I've read all your replies and would like to make some things clearer!!!

*Whoever said we didnt know how to use a condom properly was out of order!!! Using one when trying to conceive a child is pointless!!!!! Both of our children were planned. We were trying for this baby for 14 months before it worked!!!

 

*Ally Boo- Yes, it was my hormones that made me change. Coz i wouldnt admit it at the time and seek help it got out of hand. But, when u meet someone and they make you their world,dont want to see their mates anymore coz they want to see you every waking moment you get spoilt and this is what i ment by saying he let me- he spoilt me!!!! What do you do when they stop the attention they once gave you? I caused arguements to get his attention again. Luckily, my hormones have calmed down now and i am able to think rationally again! I knew what you ment first time you said of course he loved me. Loving someone and being IN love with someone are different arent they? I'm just trying to be there for him at the moment!! He's going through a lot at the moment and i'm trying to prove myself by being there for him without expecting anything in return!!!

Cheers!!!!!!!

 

*I am not the only guilty one in all of this!! I hurt him coz he was neglecting me and wanting the single life!!! I didnt think i could hurt him coz i didnt think he cared. You can only get hurt by someone if you love them. If you didnt you wouldnt care!!!

 

Elsie.

[butterflyz]

you can get hurt by someone, and not love them, because what they did sucked - from one human being to another. caring and hurting are two different things.

[Just A Girl2]

i kind of know where u are coming from Elsie, i was in a very short relationship with a guy where he basically dumped me for another girl (however he claims still to this day that it didn't happen that way). Weeks after we broke up i was feeling quite hurt and upset about how i thought he really cared for me but then seemed like he didn't because he left me so easily, i got very angry and said alot of nasty things to him which at the time i very much felt.

 

We are now on talking terms again as friends, but things aren't the same as before and probably never will be. I wanted to get back with him because i loved how great we were together, but he keeps saying to me that 'you got nasty once, who's to say you wont do it again!'. I know for a fact that i wouldn't do it again, but i have no idea how to convince him. :-S

 

He is still dating the girl he started seeing while with me and claims he is happy with her. But some things make me wonder.

 

In this situation there are no kids involved and the relationship was only one month. But i definately know how u feel about wanting someone back after you were nasty or mean to them and them no trusting you.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]Elise,[/color]

 

"I am not the only guilty one in all of this!! I hurt him coz he was neglecting me and wanting the single life!!!"

 

[color=indigo]That quote right there is key... Didn't you say you guys met at age 18 and then had kids shortly afterwards? No wonder he started wanting the single life. You guys were kids having kids. There was no time for both of you to develop on your own, find who you are, and basically grow up. I can totally relate because I was in an 8 year relationship since I was 16 and my ex was my whole life. While I did go to college, he was still the center of my world. When you are with someone in a relationship, it is really hard to find out who you are, which is so important to live a healthy adult life.

 

We only broke up a year and two months ago and since then I have been living a free, happy life, finding out who I am and becoming more and more healthy every day. I really needed that time to just be on my own, having to answer to noone, no worrying how my actions might affect my significant other. We need that freedom to develop in order to be able to settle down later in life. While people who engage in such type relationships at a young age, can stay together and live a happy life, they will always tell you they have sacrificed a part of themselves to do so. It is their choice however.

 

It seems as though your boyfriend is getting that single itch, which is so normal and healthy! My advice to you is that if you want to stay with this guy in the future, let him go and live the single life for awhile. Otherwise he will just feel trapped and resent you in the future. All of your behaviors exhibit the classic signs of the transition into young adulthood. You might be better off living the single life for awhile yourself. See what else is out there. See what life exists outside your world with your boyfriend. It just might shock you, in a good way.[/color]

[Elsie]

Leikela,

He's a bit of a dreamer. Always going through different phases where he really wants to do something and then it wears off!!! Could it be that this is just another of those phases?

The thing is, he is living the single life and seems to be enjoying it and while i want him to get it out of his system and grow up he's neglecting his responsibilities. Why should i be the one who has to pay for the decissions we made together? I cant go out and enjoy myself at the mo coz i'm expecting his baby in less than 2 weeks, but he can!!!

Take last night for example, he was out out with his mates at a night club. If i'd have needed him i wouldnt have known how to find him!!! These mates are 2-3 years younger than him and are arrogant pigs!!! He'd just come in to a bit of money and goes out and blows it on them when he's got nearly 2 kids with hardly anything!!

Also, we were each others FIRST!! I worry that these boys will lead him astray and he'll end up having a one night stand with some little girl he meets through them at a club. Then if he comes back we wont be exclusive to each other as we once were, just coz he needed some time out!!

Other than that he confuses me. We spoke yesterday and he said that he'd never been happier than when he lived with me and that he wants to be able to get on with me so we can get sorted but when we SEE each other he has to upset me to get a reaction from me!!!

HELP-ANYONE!!! I love him so much that i REALLY cant live without him. He left 8 weeks ago and i still feel as upset now as i did then!!!

 

Elsie.xx

[butterflyz]

this is what happens with "firsts" - the innate curiousity for others may kick in for some people.

 

he obviously does not make you or his kids a priority.

 

if he cheats, he cheats - you can't control it. if he cheats then it's best that you know now. some people are not monogomous. it's amazing how many people can't have sex with one person and be happy.

 

he tries to get a reaction from you because he is insecure and the only way he understands that you care, is when you react. don't react any more. he's not worth the trouble, people who try to push buttons rarely are worth the trouble...they just breed trouble.

[Ally Boo]

OK you are like VERY pregnant, and you are stressing. You can't blame him totally for having children. When a woman agrees to have children....she should always remember that nothing is guarenteed, and keep in mind that he could very well leave her alone with the child. You can't worry about what he is doing...no, its not fair. But you know, you aren't the only thing out there and he's proving it to you. Let him get this out of his system, and he very well may come back. Just CHILL, you dont need your blood pressure going up!!