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Messy...Very Messy


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I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years, and everything has become overwhelmingly messy. I'm so very confused.

The story is a bit long...but I need to vent...

 

 

We were friends in high school, but became very close when I went away to college. He was dating another girl at the time, so I decided I wouldn't pursue him at the time. I did not want to be the cause of a break up. But he steadily pursued me...He told me he wanted to be with me the same night he slept with his girlfriend for the first time. I was hurt. I didn't understand why someone would tell anyone they cared for them so deeply, and then be with someone else. There were a number of messes like these when I decided it would be best if I distanced myself.

 

I came home that summer, and we became close again. He was no longer with his girlfriend. We began to date, although there were major trust issues to get beyond. I was scared that I would end up like his ex-girlfriend. That he would still keep me around, but be in love with another. There were a good deal of arguements stemming from this fear at the begining of our relationship, but eventually this became unimportant.

 

I went off to school that fall, and so began the turmoil of a long distance relationship. I hated not having him around. I cried some nights on the phone and I know it made him feel guilty. It was selfish--but I missed him. We would normally see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. It would be something to look forward too. I was miserable at school, and he was my savior.

 

I started acting out when he'd come up. I suppose it was easier to fight before he left, then to cry. I was terribly mean sometimes. I feel so stupid about it now.The fights continued on the phone. I would get upset when he wouldn't have time to talk. I was just so mean sometimes.

 

Another issue that presented itself besides the stress of long distance: He told me that he would be perfectly happy spending the rest of his life with me. He knew that I was "the one". I freaked out. How did he know that? What if I wasn't the one? I was so scared. I felt so pressured to know whether he was it. I knew that he had had a great deal more relationship experience than I. He had been dating ever since he was 10...I on the other hand had only had one other serious relationship. I didn't understand how he could know anything. He was 21 years old...what do you know at that age?

 

I began to push him away. I felt empty. The more he loved me, the emptier I got. I felt sufficated. I was mean to him...I wanted him to break it off. But he didn't...I kept hurting him, and I couldn't take it anymore. I was a horrible human being around him, and he didn't deserve any of it. So, I broke up with him...hurt him even more.

 

I came crawling back..and rightfully so he threw it back in my face. We didn't talk for about 2 weeks. And then I called him...not to ask him to take me back, but simply to apologize for treating him like crap. Then he started calling me, we talked about things like we used to. I came home one weekend and he told me that he couldn't stand not being with me. He came to visit, but my worries grew as did the emptiness. Now when he treated me nicely, I hated myself for it. I felt guilty that he still cared for me. He would try to pry out of me and "i love you'. He wants so badly to be back together. I felt so miserable and guilty everytime I was around him, that I was making him unhappy. Or that's what I thought. I would bring up the relationship business all the time...it was what consumed my thoughts--day in and out.

 

I told him that he deserved to be happy, and that he shouldn't be with a screw-up like myself. That he should be with a girl that treats him right. I don't know if I love him...I dont know where it went. All the fear and worry has comsumed me...and this hole just keeps getting bigger. I feel miserable, and I feel that any possible chance of fixing anything is ruined. We were so happy together. All I could see was him. I wanted to take care of him...I wanted him to be mine. And I crapped it all up....and my love is gone. I feel like the emptiness will never go away. I just want to do what is best for him. He said that I am what makes him happy. I'm so confused...one minute I want to be his, and the next minute I'm empty and scared. No one wants to deal with that. So, I told him we shouldn't talk for a while. I figured it would give us both time to figure things out.

 

I don't really know what advice I am asking for. I figure a period of self-loathig is normal. I just want to see him happy, even if it isn't with me. It's just so hard to let go...he's so wonderful...I wish he could fill the emptiness. If anything...I'm sad because I treated the best friend I had so poorly.

 

Excuse the ramblings...any comments are more then welcome. I suppose time will tell.

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You are doing absolutely no good to yourself or him by continuing this self loathing behavior. It accomplishes NOTHING. You need to totally get away from him, and him you. You are not in control of what anyone thinks or feels but you! You are responsible for your happiness and he is responsible for his. Therefore, you need to get out of this relationship and work on yourself.

 

I respect you for acknowledging the fact that his saying you are the one freaked you out. Some people pleasers will just go along with it and hide their unhappiness. So give yourself credit for that.

 

Long distance relationships suck...period. Even if there is 100% trust, it doesn't make it any better. A relationship with someone in TOWN that you don't trust sucks. The point is, he kinda messed up his credibility when he said he wanted to be with you and slept with his gf the same night. That was the beginning of your problems in your relationship, and that is HIS fault, not yours.

 

Get away from him and this relationship, and give yourself time to think the whole thing over. There are two people in the relationship, therefore two people at fault. Stop depressing yourself, and learn from this mess. You deserve happiness!!

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So it's been 4 days since I've stopped talking to him. And I'm going nuts...

I feel like I quit. I hate to give up a person that is so important to me. He knows me so well. I thought for the longest time that he was going to be 'it' for me. I can't stand thinking that his part in my life is completely over. He's such a wonderful man.

 

I feel like maybe I should try again...to work things out, instead of running from him.

 

Sigh...

 

J.

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Sometimes the people that we need to get rid of are the ones that are the hardest to let go. Someone else will come into your life and fill that area even better than he did. You don't need to torture yourself.

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Yeah...I suppose you're probably right Ally.

I just can't help but wonder.

He's so special to me.

There are so many things I miss---anything from the way he smells to chattin' about ridiculousness. Sometime I feel like he knows me better than I do. :)

 

It's hard to accept that it will NEVER work out again. It's rough.

 

J.

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I understand sweetie, I've done the same about my ex....we all have. Its hard, and it's just going to take time, but every day will get easier.

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I hate to be so damn repetitive...

But, these things never work out down the line?

I know my chances are slim...and I suppose hearing that things worked out for someone would give me false hope...

Sheesh...I dunno. Just blabbin'...

 

J.

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I feel you all too well. You need time before you consider trying again. Give yourself and your friend a few months at the least.

You need to love yourself and learn the power behind you before you began a healthy fulfilling r/s with anyone.

 

Time is the key. In the mean time to help deal with the emotions after separation, find something that helps you release them. Talk about how your feeling to us, friends and family. This forum has been a good form of therapy for me.

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Originally posted by velvet

Time is the key. In the mean time to help deal with the emotions after separation, find something that helps you release them. Talk about how your feeling to us, friends and family. This forum has been a good form of therapy for me.

 

She is exactly right....your tormenting over this is just making it worse. If it's meant to be, it will happen no matter what. So don't worry or force it.

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velvet & ally are right!

 

 

actually i am asking for their opinions & it help me enlighten my burden. THANKS GIRLS!

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