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do i have a chance?


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so here's the dilly--

 

a couple months ago, i posted a message about my boyfriend (of about 4 months) who, although i knew he cared for me etc., had begun to pull away and put in less effort. i got some great advice (from clia especially!) that told me to get busy living my life and not get mad at him but, rather, let him subtly realize what he was missing out on. unfortunately, i didn't take that advice. i was hurt and frustrated and we weren't communicating well-- i think i ended up boxing him in and he didn't know at all how to tell me how he was feeling-- so we ended up splitting.

 

here are the deets-- we didn't really discuss the breakup when it was happening (this was about 3 weeks ago) it weirdly just involved a lot of us just staring at each other, unable to deal with what the other was doing/handling the situation, until i just ended up leaving. really, i have never heard of a breakup with so little talking. needless to say, there wasn't a lot of closure.

 

we are part of the same circle of friends and we still see each other quite a bit-- a couple times a week at least, sometimes alone. he seems to be making an effort-- he called me on my birthday. we went out alone yesterday and he asked me again to hang out alone this thursday. also, i happened to mention to him i had made plans with some other friends of mine-- people he had become friendly with while we were together. well, turns out he contacted them behind my back and guess who was there when i showed up to meet up with them-- HIM. this was last week. i thought that was really odd- unfair of him to overstep his boundaries and crowd me like that, but of course part of me was glad because i like to be around him.

 

i still have feelings for him. i feel like we are really compatible. we have loads in common and had a great time together-- and still do, except our relating to each other is WAY more superficial than it used to be and that really frustrates me. it's like we can't get to a deeper level of communication because all the yuckiness surrounding our breakup is still underneath.

 

i feel like our breakup was out of stress/frustration than anything else due to hard circumstances in his life that are now over. i can acknowledge each of our parts in messing things up-- i should have been more independent and not expected so much from him, he should have told me he was frustrated and smothered. see, minor changes...

 

basically, i want to know if it's unrealistic to think he might still have feelings for me and want to try again. i am thinking maybe he's just comfortable being friends and that's why he's making this much effort. i, on the other hand, am not at the point yet where i can JUST be friends with him-- i admit ulterior motives!! i feel like i should stop seeing him if my object is to get over him. i'm not sure i want to, though, since i am hangingon to the idea we'll get back together. if i cut him off, i may miss a chance to have him back. if i don't, i could really get even more hurt.

 

any advice? whew, i feel a little better after getting all that out!

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There is simply no way of knowing how he feels....and he may not even know himself.

 

People behave according to their personalities and the personal history. They communicate according to the style they have developed over the years.

 

I think it's not a good idea to obsess about this. Every Sunday morning I wonder exactly why I picked the wrong numbers in the lottery and came out with nothing instead of the millions in jackpot money. But all the speculation and all the thought is for naught. It's over and that's the way it is.

 

You didn't relate to each other in a healthy way because the relationship wasn't meant to be. Don't try to mold it in your mind into what you want or wanted it to be.

 

You can talk to him again and see if you can get into his head, but I don't think it'll do you much good. But go in with a positive attitude and see if you can revive some quality relationship. Given the fact that he is not a very effective communicator on an intimate level, as you would like him to be, I don't give it much of a chance. But you have to try.

 

You may eventually have to make a decision to let this one go, as difficult as that may be for you.

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It is not unrealistic to think he has feelings for you. What kind of feelings they are is a whole different story. I guess if he asks you to spend one-on-one time with him, he must like being around you to some extent. Whether he wants to have the same kind of relationship you want to have is something only he knows and you'll have to ask him.

 

If you are ever going to have any kind of meaningful relationship with this guy, you are going to have to talk about your feelings (both of you). You just as well see if it is possible now instead of waiting and dating for many more months without knowing where anybody stands.

 

Loosing a guy that won't talk to you about things that are important to you is really no loss at all. In fact, you would be better off single than being with a guy like that.

 

Ya'll do some talking and see where it leads.

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thanks, ed & tony.

 

so what you're saying is it's legit for me to say "look, i like spending time with you and all. sometimes it's really hard for me to see you as just a friend because i still have these feelings. i want to know where you stand. if you only want to be friends, that's okay and i won't be mad, but i might need to back off for a while until i'm ready." that's pretty honest, but pretty risky, too...?

 

i want to avoid putting pressure on him, but i don't want to get hurt either. i guess i just have to face the fact that i might lose him completely in order to save myself some hurt...?

 

about the communication thing, i get so confused-- i am not sure if it was all him or not. i started to get hurt and frustrated and i wasn't as open with him as i shoul dhave been. i guess i justified it to myself by saying that it's hard to be honest when you're feeling wounded... but that's a cop out, i think. there's this nagging voice in my head saying "it's me... it's me... if i had not put quite so much pressure on him, he woul dhave been able to open up to me." i have learned a lot from the way this all went and i could potentially apply it to a future relationship-- thing is, i want to apply it to a future relationship with HIM.

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Eventually, all couples have to talk about their relationship....where it is now and where it's heading....and those that have ongoing relationships should securely revisit this subject from time to time as well.

 

If you start trying to get too serious too soon, someone may get scared off or start feeling too much pressure to move forward when they are not ready. You just have to use your best judgment on what to say, what to ask, and when to say it or ask it. It's all in the timing.

 

Of course, I can't tell you what to say, what to ask or when. It's different with every person and every relationship. The two individuals have work through this themselves. All I can tell you is if the timing is right, things will move forward and, hopefully, progress. If the timing is wrong, well, anything could happen.

 

Knowing that relationships are all about timing does not make things work either. It's just one way of understanding that life happens. No one will always have the right timing in everything they do or say. Make the best choices you can at any given time, learn from your mistakes, appreciate those who will accept you as you are and enjoy the journey. You only go around once.

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Timing is critical when discussing your r/s. Even if you feel you could feel so much better if you spill all your guts and lay right out on the table. I have made that mistake a couple times.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from, I'm starting to feel wrapped myself. Scared out of mind! The person I'm seeing is someone I've known for too long. We've been friends longer than we've dated. When we've dated he would back down when he felt us getting closer.

 

Now, hes grabbing my hand telling me he loves me in front of him friends! That was a big NO NO the first couple of times we tried to date. All kinds of unexpected things that I wanted from him in the past are popping up. But I'm so afraid for him to get wishy washy on me.

 

So I suppose the only thing we could possibly do is take it slow, go with the flow, not try to move fast into anything more. So in other words go at his pace and when the moment is right I'm sure the words to say will come out allot more easier and pleasant.

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so you've tried to date more than once? how did you transition from dating to not dating to dating again? what was the timeline? were there bad feelings? how did you know getting back together was an option?

 

so your advice is to enjoy being friends (or try, anyway) and we get to the point where we can discuss the future of "us", do it, and if not then forget it and move on?

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Our friendship bloomed first, back in 1993 while in high school. From that point on we spent a whole lot of time together like best friends do during teenage years. To me he was as close as a best friend. If I had spent ten minutes without him I would have given him a whole field report about what happened during the ten min. we we're apart.

 

He became close with my parents after spending so much time with me. We both worked for my fathers company for many years. Than in 1996 I moved to Florida and found my own life. During that time I had no contact with him other than hearing how he was doing through talking to my family. During the four years I lived in Florida allot of growing and changing happened. He got married had a baby girl. I was living a dream life in Florida.

 

I moved back home in 2000 and met him again. Looking into his eyes for the first time after almost five years was exciting. He had been separated from his wife for only a few months. We admitted to each other that we had an attraction for each other way back in the day when we first met. I can remember the day I met him just like yesterday.

 

So even though we spent many years apart, the years that we did have together we built allot of memories and emotions. Coming back into each others lives was very emotional for us both. It was intense because we knew we had something indescribable for each other. We feel like family to each other on one level, friends on another and lovers too.

 

We went through some serious stages of fighting. He was mostly fighting me, his feelings for me. We first dated for about a month and he backed off full force causing me emotional scars. During that month things were fast and serious. Over all we would date average, a few months than he would pull himself away for a few months. That went on for about two years. Each time we pulled apart and went back to each other the r/s seemed to get a little better. He would show me more of his feelings than start the whole rubber band effect all over again. Each time hurting me.

 

After those cycles, I said that I have had enough and he agreed. We decided to be friends from that point on. We agreed on that around the holidays last year. So we've spent the last six months as friends and co-workers. We didn't spend our friendship hanging out or doing things together. We went to on to find our on lives again.

 

One day I was sick and could not take care of myself. I needed someone someones help. He came to my house and took care of me. I laid in his arms for hours and when I came woke at one point we started talking and he said that he just cant pretend to be friends. I disagreed and told him thats all I wanted. We laid talking about it for a couple hours and I gave into my feelings.

 

Now things are going well. Like they should have been over the last few years. Now I'm being more cautious and he knows it. He has changed emotionally since the last time we dated. I don't see any anger in him like I had seen before. He had allot of anger I couldn't deal with over the last couple years. To me he has proved himself these last couple months that hes not the monster he was once.

 

Still, I cant allow myself to give him my whole heart freely. In fear of the past repeating itself.

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My $.02...

 

I think signs are very good (from what you've posted anyway) that he is still interested, at least on some level. He could be one of those rare men who really do like to expend effort to pursue friendship with an ex, but his calling on your birthday, asking you to hang out alone, and showing up somewhere that you did not specifically invite him indicate pursuit to me. It seems that if he wanted to just be friends he wouldn't be trying so hard.

 

Men are weird! (No offense to all the guys out there!)

 

So here's what I would do...feel free to take or leave what you want!

 

1. Don't ever call him. If he leaves a message and tells you specifically to call him back, call him back. If he doesn't tell you to call him back, don't call him. If you must, wait a couple/few days.

2. Continue to be busy, make plans with other people, be busy with your life. You are much too busy to wait around by the phone for him!!! He will hate to think how happy you are without him around. This will drive him nuts. If he shows up somewhere else again without an invite from you, talk to him, but not too much. Be sure to mingle a lot.

3. Don't ever break plans to hang out with him, but if you have nothing else going on, go out with him. Make sure you look stunning!

4. Don't bring up the relationship. Be casual, fun, light, and breezy when you see him. Talk about fun stuff. Don't get serious on him. Don't crowd him. Wait for him to bring it up. He will!

5. Basically, don't cut him off, but don't make a whole lot of effort. Let him make the effort. That will indicate to you his interest level. If you smile, laugh, and are receptive when you see him, he will not think you are blowing him off. (Not that you are! You're just busy! LOL) Remember that old saying about always wanting what you can't have? It's true!

 

Of course, this is difficult if you have feelings for him. But I don't think it's out of line to hide your ulterior motive, at least for the short term, in order to see where the chips fall. You are probably already hurting from the breakup, so the worst this will do is extend it for a little while. If you don't want to deal with that and/or don't think he's worth it, your best bet is to cut him off entirely. But if you do want to see what's on his mind and if there is any future potential, try doing what I said. His actions will indicate his interest level. Men generally don't do a lot of pursuing or make a lot of effort if they don't really like a gal.

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thanks clia! i'm afraid to not take your advice! kidding, but i should have done so the first time around. then maybe i wouldn't be here.

 

so i guess i've been inadvertently been taking oyur advice all along. when we hung out last, the conversation was really cheery, entertaining, and funny. we laughed LOTS. it kind of weirded me out because it was so superficial but i realize now that's how it should be. if he wants to pursue the relationship, he will and he has to remember just how great i am to be around and know what he's missing... i was psyched the way i handled his little surprise appearance... i talked happily to him when he talked to me and paid attention to the friends i'd made the plans with-- and had a BLAST!

 

2 quick related questions:

 

1) we have plans for today and i'm terrified he's gonna bail. but they were to do something outside and it's FREEZING out and we're trying to squeeze it in between a couple other important events-- so the situation isn't optimal anyway. so my question is, if he bails, is it personal? does it depend on his demeanor and if he wants to reschedlue, etc? does this question make sense or is it too specific to answer?

 

2) other guys have hit on me in front of him-- i saw him watching. i'm not a big flirt, really. i sometimes don't notice for a while (i have brothers, talking to guys is natural. plus, i don't want attention from anyone but him.) what should i do? milk it? i don't like jealousy games, but realistically, if i am going to move on, i need to talk to other men...

 

what go you think?

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thanks clia! i'm afraid to not take your advice! kidding, but i should have done so the first time around. then maybe i wouldn't be here.

 

so i guess i've been inadvertently been taking oyur advice all along. when we hung out last, the conversation was really cheery, entertaining, and funny. we laughed LOTS. it kind of weirded me out because it was so superficial but i realize now that's how it should be. if he wants to pursue the relationship, he will and he has to remember just how great i am to be around and know what he's missing... i was psyched the way i handled his little surprise appearance... i talked happily to him when he talked to me and paid attention to the friends i'd made the plans with-- and had a BLAST!

 

2 quick related questions:

 

1) we have plans for today and i'm terrified he's gonna bail. but they were to do something outside and it's FREEZING out and we're trying to squeeze it in between a couple other important events-- so the situation isn't optimal anyway. so my question is, if he bails, is it personal? does it depend on his demeanor and if he wants to reschedlue, etc? does this question make sense or is it too specific to answer?

 

2) other guys have hit on me in front of him-- i saw him watching. i'm not a big flirt, really. i sometimes don't notice for a while (i have brothers, talking to guys is natural. plus, i don't want attention from anyone but him.) what should i do? milk it? i don't like jealousy games, but realistically, if i am going to move on, i need to talk to other men...

 

what go you think?

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I'll do my best without knowing the whole situation...LOL...but it sounds like you are handling things well. Good for you!

 

1) I doubt it's personal if he bails, since the weather isn't on your side, along with other things. Definitely pay attention to both his actions and words. If he wants to do something else today, great! If he quickly tries to book your time for another day, great! But even if he doesn't, just pay attention to his demeanor.

 

2) I think you should work on your flirting and milk it for all it's worth! Be nice and friendly to these other guys. I don't think it's playing jealousy games, and you don't have to go out with them or give them your number (he doesn't have to know that!).

 

It's great to have other guys hitting on you in front of him, because that shows your desirability to other men. This is very important to guys! They love to think they are getting something (i.e. YOU) that other guys want. It makes them feel like they "won the game" so to speak. There's nothing wrong with being nice and friendly to other guys. He can't expect you to not speak to anyone else now that you are a single gal, can he?

 

It would be great to go out with other guys, but if you aren't ready, then don't. But then again, you might go out and have a great time. Who knows? As long as you set boundaries with these guys, it'll be fine. Just keep an open mind. Your ex certainly isn't the only guy out there.

 

Hope that helps...

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okay, update...

 

my ex and i hung out last friday... played outside for a while. it was rainy and wet but he still wanted to hang. good sign? anyway, we had an absolute BLAST. i can't explain it. it was SO fun and easy and the connection was THERE. i know he had fun too and when he dropped me off he said he'd talk to me on sunday.

 

i went home feeling frustrated, though. i keep thinking that if we get along so well, why can't we be together? i guess patience isn't my strong area... i went out to parties over the weekend and talked to some men but i still have this voice in my head telling me that he's the one i want to/should be with... i can't even fathom that he might not feel it. i just KNOW that there's no one he gets along better with or is more comfortable with than me.

 

so he called me on sunday but i wasn't there. i was out living my life and not waiting by the phone... (which is good...) but for some reason he ended up going somehwere with my roommate. it wasn't a big deal, she just gave him a ride to a place we all needed to go, but it still bugs me. it's fear, i guess, that he's going to get friendly with my friends and leave me out-- she already mentioned that she ws going to invite him the next time they went out to play basketball, which really bothers me, esp. cince i rarely, if ever, go myself. i know that my jealousy is completely baseless in that nothing would ever happen with them. it's just the idea of him hanging out with my friends without me when all i want to do is hangout with him.

 

i feel all tense. i am fighting the urge to contact him because i don't feel like i ought to make myself available-- but i want to talk to him. that leaves the door open for him to contact me, but i have to accept the fact that he *might not*.

 

how do i deal with this tension i feel? i'm tense because of my friend and because of him... why isn't there a way to make this quick and easy?

 

explain to me the concept of "not being ready for a relationship." i feel like it's a phrase that people just throw around, but i guess i have trouble understanding it. it's my inclination to say that if you care for someone enough and connect with them enough, there's no reason why you're not ready. you just make the sacrifices you need to make and deal with the hard stuff in order to make it work. that makes sense to me. caring for someone and not wanting to be with them doesn't.

 

thanks.

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So he called you on Sunday and you weren't there. Give him the courtesy of a returned call. Didn't somebody teach you this?

 

And while I'm at it, if you're friends know how much you like this guy and yet they are willing to ask him to do things with them without you being around, they aren't friends. Immediately start looking for new, more loyal friends who are not out to hurt you.

 

Kindest regards,

T

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I've been "not ready for a relationship". I wasn't using it as an excuse to get rid of a guy either. I really cared about him and wanted to be in a relationship with him. I just couldn't get past my self and some issues. I think it may be an irrational fear type thing but I really don't have any advice for fixing it. Talk, time, a little pressure and some self esteem helped I guess.

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I've found that when a guy says "I'm not ready for a relationship" he means "I'm not ready for a relationship with you." I've dated guys who I felt an amazing connection with, they gave me that line, I fell for it, and then within a month they were seriously dating someone else. So, frankly, I don't buy that line at all. If you are his dreamgirl, he'll make the plunge, whether he feels ready or not.

 

Of course, everyone is different. That's just my generalization. :)

 

Can you explain to your friends that you don't feel comfortable having them invite him out with them just yet?

 

Did he ask you to call him back on Sunday, or was he just looking for something to do (hence going out with your friends)? Only you know whether this is an appropriate time to contact him. In general, I wouldn't, but I don't know all the details.

 

And to answer your question, there's no way to make this quick and easy. It will just take time.

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