how do you heal the hurt of the past ?

[steve9417]

sorry this is a bit long .........

 

the short way of reading this if you're in a rush

guy hurts woman very very badly - her heart is broken as she's never loved anyone that much before - we end - i come back to say sorry and seek forgiveness - she is scared of being hurt again ........ how can the hurt of the past be healed and what needs to happen ? she still loves me but she's so so scared of a repeat

 

 

ok and now the long version for those with more time on their hands ...........

i went out with a girl for 18 months - we lived apart but the distance was never a problem - we had a lovely first year together and we had few arguments - needless to say we had a great honeymoon period - we were both in love and it felt right ......... we just clicked in so many ways

 

we then had a terrible holiday together in which she i felt distant from her - she was very rude and contemptuous to people - she felt unloved and lashed out at me .......... it was a terrible holiday and when we returned we spoke briefly - she thought the matter was resolved but i still felt uneasy - then over a very romantic meal in when she was expecting me to propose to her i told her that i was having serious doubts about us and that not sure if i loved her any more ........... she was heartbroken (anyone would be) !!

 

just be sharing this with her i felt cleansed and that i was able to renew the relationship but she was badly hurt by my words ...... we then started to have bigger arguments ....... she felt insecure and i felt let down - some of these were awful and they tended to be because of her insecurity in us (again understandable)

 

we split up at the end of last year without really exploring how we had got to where we had. 5 months later i returned to her to talk about resolving our past - I told her i loved her and missed her and wanted to see if we could resolve the past .... she was taken by surprise as she was in a new rebound relationship - one where she feels loved and safe ......... but she did not want to say goodbye to me and for the past 5 months she has kept 2 men in her life (on and off and its breaking her)

 

it's been an awful journey for both of us - i love the girl and want us to talk about how we could be ok together - we struggle to have that conversation as all she can get in touch with is the pain and hurt of our past ....... we're in groundhog day as we talk and then she runs and then after 2-3 weeks of no contact with me she picks up the phone and tells me how much she misses me

 

this has happened 3 or 4 times ........... she is so so hurt from the past but yet a part of her wants to reconnect with what we once had ....... she tells me she can't get over the hurt and it makes her very unhappy and she can't keep doing this ....... the other man is a safe place for her to run to when she feels hurt (he's a therapist by the way)

 

i saw her this weekend .... where she wanted us to end again ......... she reinforced how much she was heartbroken by our end - she felt she did everything to make us work and that's exactly what i felt i'd done but to no avail ........ she's 37 years old and i'm a few years older (never of us have been married) ......... she told me she'd never been in love with anyone as much as me ........ she feels she may be broken for life after what i did to her ............. she is just full of so much hurt and pain that she does not see a way forward for us - thus we keep ending and then starting

 

we spoke tonight and discussed that no matter what we both might think in our heads .......... we're not "over" .......... i'm proposing we see a therapist together to find a way of healing the hurt so that we can find a healthy way to either end or move love each other in a stronger way ........... she is so in touch with her hurt and anger of me and that is what is stopping us moving forward

 

my question is how do people overcome the hurt and pain of the past with a significant ex partner so that you get to a place of love and care ?

 

thank you steve

[BCCA]

How do people overcome hurt from the past? The only was is if both people want to make things work out enough that they're willing to work through it until things are stable again. I think the biggest obstacle people have in reconciliation is making sure both people are equally committed to making things work. If one person is more/less into it, it never works. Also, keep in mind that the track record of people taking back those who dumped them leaves a lot to be desired.

 

Also, do yourself a favor and dont seek out a muligan. She might forgive you, but she'll never forget. I wouldnt, would you? The best way to anticipate future behavior is to look at past behavior. Thats not to say that given the opportunity you would definitely do it again, but can you really say you definitely wouldnt? Probably not. As someone who has taken a couple ex's back, I would never do it again, because chances are youre in for a repeat of round 1. What were you having doubts about before that you feel like have changed? Why did you fall out of love with her? You need to ask yourself these questions if youre serious about going after her again.

 

Last but not least, she's with someone else. While he wont be able to compare with what you had right now, she probably thinks hes the safer bet because he has potential and hasnt hurt her yet. I know there is more to love than that, but after being dumped, a lot of people just want someone to be there for them and care.

 

If/when you decide that youre absolutely sure that you want to be with this girl for the right reasons, you can suggest going to counseling together to see if you can figure things out. Be warned though, there is a chance she wont ever want to take you back. Like the song goes, "dont it always seem to go, that you dont know what you got 'till its gone".

[steve9417]

thanks for your note BCCA - very honest and which cuts to the heart of the matter ......... we broke for a reason and perhaps that reason needs to be respected ...... she can be rude and lack humility and care / compassion ....... that is why i felt the way i did and struggled to feel loving all the time with her ......... she wanted me to be unconditional during these times .......... and i can be unloving and uncaring which rocks her stability and also lacked the vision for us which she so much wanted

 

i hear you about the new man but then she won't say goodbye to me .......... i want to heal and i disagree with you about seeing a therapist only if i believe its worth having ......... the fact is i don't know if this woman is right for me at the moment ......... she is not the person i fell in love with and certainly not a loving person to me - there is so much hurt and pain right now that she cannot be anything more than that with me ..........

 

i know she might not come back to me - i appreciate that and seriously question having her back now ........ this mess needs a natural closure and we seem incapable of getting there on our own without us both being hurt and always being so ....... thus my asking for seeing a professional together to draw out a healthy honest conclusion - with or without one another

 

i sense she does not seek this resolution with as much energy as me ....... that of course changes after a few weeks ....... every time

 

thank you once again BCCA - i value your words

[SRV]

My rule of thumb is, if you are not married and have no kids together in a relationship and there is this much hurt, cut the chord and run. There are so many other more meaningful relationships that you can seek out there rather than going through this rollercoaster of hurt and pain.

[steve9417]

thanks SRV ..... if only she would allow me to run away and if only i didn't care enought about her to do exactly that myself .... the fact is theres still a huge amount of love in there for one another ..... but also her hurt

 

and thus my question is not do i run or not ..... it's what has to happen to heal the hurt ?

[BCCA]

thanks SRV ..... if only she would allow me to run away and if only i didn't care enought about her to do exactly that myself .... the fact is theres still a huge amount of love in there for one another ..... but also her hurt

 

and thus my question is not do i run or not ..... it's what has to happen to heal the hurt ?

 

I think youre missing the point in a way. What we're trying to tell you is that there is no magic formula. The only thing you can do is leave her be and let time do its thing. Maybe one day she'll be over it, maybe she never will. I'm sure a lot of people still have feelings for eachother when they go their own ways, but that doesnt mean that its enough to bring them together.

 

Also, shes with someone else man. I dont mean to be harsh, but whats the point of wasting your time with a girl who is in a relationship? How would you feel if you were that other guy? Im sure you dont care about him, but think about this rationally. She obviously wants to be with him more than you, which sucks, but is the truth.

 

Dont do kill yourself looking for answers that dont exist. Play the cards your dealt, and get on with life.

[steve9417]

I think youre missing the point in a way. What we're trying to tell you is that there is no magic formula. The only thing you can do is leave her be and let time do its thing. Maybe one day she'll be over it, maybe she never will. I'm sure a lot of people still have feelings for eachother when they go their own ways, but that doesnt mean that its enough to bring them together.

 

Also, shes with someone else man. I dont mean to be harsh, but whats the point of wasting your time with a girl who is in a relationship? How would you feel if you were that other guy? Im sure you dont care about him, but think about this rationally. She obviously wants to be with him more than you, which sucks, but is the truth.

 

Dont do kill yourself looking for answers that dont exist. Play the cards your dealt, and get on with life.

 

I suppose you're right - I've been hanging onto the idea that we'd get back together for nearly 6 months and i've been at this frustrated place now a 3rd time ..... ie I accept its over and she calls me in 2-3 weeks asking to talk and see me .... i never mentioned it but for the past 5 weeks we did get back together but she could not reconnect with the old feelings of love for me ...... there's too much hate there and there might always be ........ i'm starting to accept that more and more now

 

i've been looking for answers and yes i have been killing myself looking for them

 

thanks you've answered my question BCCA - the only way now is time ..... regardless of the outcome

if she does comes back then we have to deal with the hurt and if that can't be overcome then it's time to walk away ....... and if she don't ....... well i won't notice as i'll be gettting on with my life

[Dmoney28]

I know i came a bit late in this post. But i agree with everyone. TIME is the only answer. The person has to heal. once they have healed over a amount of time then they can make a clear and rational choice. I'm in the same boat. LC almost daily, then a week's of NC. everything intiated by her. I dont call,txt or email first. I Leave things on her terms and her time table. I just try and heal, and try my best to accept she may never come back. All i know is i'm not asking anything from her anymore. If she wants to talk, im here. If she need help, im here. But i cant force my prescence on her. She knows how i feel. So as the song says "Tiiiiimmeeee is on my side...yes it is now". Either way, i'll be prepared for the worst and have allowed my self to accept the situation and move on. Because it will make you a stronger person in the end.

[steve9417]

thx Dmoney28 - we're in similar situations - us wanting our very hurt ex's back ..... or certainly in my case i want the chance for us to talk properly about the reasons we fell down to see if we can possibly work again

 

i've been seeing a therapist and so's she - its been traumatic for us both ...... in my case she's the distraction of a bloke to aslo support her when she feels really hurt .... she was about to move in with him though cancelled that when she realised i missed her

 

my therapist has told me the following and it might be helpful for you as well ........ it does not change anything for me right now as I choose to get on with my life ..... its not easy as my mind is often full of this and she does not respect the fact i need NC so i can heal

 

"She doesn't seem to be able to get past this hurt at the moment and it seems to get in the way of you being together in a loving way and her being able to move on from the past."

 

"I still don't think this is over. I know you want it to be done and dusted so you know where you are. And you could choose to walk away, change your mobile phone number, tell her never to contact you again etc etc. But I still don't think that would make it 'over'."

 

"If you are to part, it seems that what is presenting itself is that for both of you, you need to learn how to get closure that both of you can live with for the rest of your lives."

 

"As I've said before it really does need a skilled, empathic and professional facilitator to help you both do this, Even if its 2 or 3 sessions"

 

"The two of you are just hurting and hurting each other on your own."

 

"At the moment what you describe is not closure, it is anger and hurt and vulnerability spilling out on both sides and not worked through and understood on both sides."

 

If she does call again then I'll only talk with her on the grounds we see someone professionally - else we're just contiuing the agony and stopping us both from getting closure - we need someone in the middle to facilitate a way of getting to a healing place - whether as I've said that means we stay together or walk away ....... time is important to help the healing - that needs to be coupled with a way of drawing a healthy conclusion for us both ........ she may of course not want that in which case i have to deal with the fact that i held onto something and someone that was never going to be right for me & perhaps better i know that now than have got married / had kids / lost half etc