frustrated

[allan131]

Hey everyone.

 

So I need some advice. 4 years ago, this girl and me were dating. We were head over heals for each other. Just talking with her, I would be smiling so much my toes would curl. I knew she was the one.. until reality hit. And we went to college in different states.

 

We tried to keep the fantasy going, but deep down we both knew better. She needed something real. And I didn't blame her. Except when it happened, she moved on a lot faster then I expected and with someone who she had a crush on for awhile apparently. This lead to us fighting (we never fought when we were together.) For a year it was really hard, and a lot of things were said. I took it a lot harder then I thought, and I admit, I was immature. I should of just dropped it, but I couldn't, I felt replaced. I felt I had to fight for it, and if I didn't, I would lose her. It finally hurt so much, I finally just pushed myself away, and for almost a year, we didn't talk.

 

My friends convinced me to move on, and I eventually started dating again. Been dating different people a year and half now (my friends like to set me up on blind dates,) but no one interests me. It always came back to this girl. She was(is) always on my mind. And recently we started talking again. Anytime we talk, I'm smiling again, my toes are curling. She just has that affect on me. School is almost over, and I'm starting to decide what and where to take my next step. Part of me wants to move closer to her and see if we can rekindle the flame. I know I love her, and I would love it if I spent the rest of my life with her, I would die a happy man, and I would do everything in my power, to make her die a happy woman. But she's still dating this same guy... I know he's a nice guy, and she does love him. And I'm cool with it... as cool as I can be. And I don't want to sound cocky, but when her and me were together, we walked on air, and I don't think she's walking on air with him. I think he's safe for her. If we just had the chance... I don't know. I just don't feel like it ever ended. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other, we broke up because of circumstances. I either want an ending, or a forever.

 

I don't know... Any advice? Am I being stupid for even considering it? I don't like breaking up relationships.. but with her... I smile thinking about it. Am I wrong for even thinking this? Please help. And be honest please.

[LookinFWD]

Hell no you are not wrong. Tell her how you feel and go from there.

If you are frustrated and impatient tell her it is because she is that

great. Just be honest but be prepared that she has moved on and

don't be a wimp or wallow if she has, move on yourself.

 

People regret what they didn't do or say, not what they did do or say

 

Let her know from the heart and with honesty, so you can say you tried

your best

[samspade]

Tell her how you feel and go from there.

If you are frustrated and impatient tell her it is because she is that

great. Just be honest but be prepared that she has moved on and

don't be a wimp or wallow if she has, move on yourself.

 

People regret what they didn't do or say, not what they did do or say

 

Let her know from the heart and with honesty, so you can say you tried

your best

 

Do this, and you will seal your fate as her permanent platonic lapdog.

 

Now, you may have a shot at something if, as you say, it ended because of geography and you are now back in the same 50-mile radius.

 

However, you also said you acted immature and fought against the breakup. This does not help you. Nor does the fact that she is dating someone else right now. Or the fact that even though you broke up because of "circumstances," she amazingly found a new beau right away. Now that you've offered your friendship to her on a silver platter, she can finally move past whatever remaining guilt she had because she thinks you're cool with everything the way it is.

 

You will do much better to continue dating other women. You stand a better chance finding someone new, and in the meantime you signal to her that you don't need her and have other options. THIS she will find much more attractive than you professing your love to her. Let her be the one to come around and realize that she needs YOU, not the other way around. (Though you stand about a 10-20% chance of this happening.)

 

Telling her how you feel will only feed her ego, especially while she is with another guy. That stuff may work in bad Hollywood romance flicks, but this is real life. Move on, find a girl without a boyfriend. This one in 3 billion females is not the key to your happiness, trust me.

[lofi_tokyo]

I think my first question here is what, other than gut feeling, makes you think your ex would leave the man shes with to be with you? Is she implying she misses you, or that if only you were nearer she'd want you back?

 

Unless you know for certain she would want you back, then I'm not sure if the risk is worth it. Say you move to where she is, you hang out, she hangs out with you lots to catch up, you start expecting her to go for you, but she stays with her man. There might be admission on your end of still longing for her, she will admit she has small feelings for you, but she loves her man, and you'll end up in a city all alone, your one big hope for moving there shattered.

 

Thats one of the outcomes thats very possible - again, it depends on how much she is giving you right now. If shes just chatting to chat, then she has probably, like Samspade said, friend zoned you because she thinks you're finally over her, and she talks freely to you because shes assuming the hardfeelings are long gone.

 

When it comes to offering comfort to you I'll say one thing: your ex is still with the man she started dating when you and her broke up. That either implies shes the kind of person who will stick with the man shes with until she finds someone new to love, or it implies she left you because she found a genuinely good guy to be with, someone who is compatible. Four years is pretty solid. When you look at a lot of the men on this site who's exs that dumped them went on to another man quickly, the new relationships often fail in no time - for whatever reason your ex's new relationship has lasted four years, indicating its a meaningful relationship to her.

I just don't know if she'd walk out of it for a man she has already left.

[lofi_tokyo]

And I'd just like to add...

I'm sorry my post is pessimistic.

 

I am an absolutely HUGE believer that people CAN get back together after having lived their lives for many years apart and learning about themselves. The thing is, you both have to be single and kind of refind each other for that to work... and even then, as it sounds like in your case, there has to be interest between BOTH people in starting things up again, I'm not sure if thats how it is for you. ;p

[samspade]

And I'd just like to add...

I'm sorry my post is pessimistic.

 

It was realistic, not pessimistic. The problem is that love blinds us all and makes us see only the positives and not all the negatives. One has to make an effort to think rationally. So many times it's "what did he/she mean by x, y, z?" Every ordinary nuance is analyzed.

 

When in reality, when someone is showing attraction, it's crystal clear. The last girl I dated texted and IM'd me CONSTANTLY when she was chasing me, and while we dated. Near the end of our relationship, I could sense the interest waning along with the frequency in communication. We're on friendly terms, but do you think she texts me 20 times a day any more? Hell no. And if she DOES text me hello I know it means nothing more than that. If she texts me "Baby, I really miss you and need to see you again soon," then my antennae might go up.

[BCCA]

I'm wearing this phrase out this week, but here it is again:

 

Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

Geography aside, I've never really known a couple to TRULY split up over something like that. Generally, thats the reason youre given because its quite honestly an easy thing to say, and its not like you can move mountains to change it. Chances are, even though you probably thought that was the only reason, it probably wasnt. And the fact that she went right to someone else is pretty telling. If it was just simple geography, she would have been just as torn about it as you, but that didnt seem to be the case.

 

Also, she is with someone else. If she was interested in dumping him and getting back together with you, you would know. She would have made it pretty clear. My thought is that she probably thinks you guys are just friends, and its probably helping her get over any left over guilt she might have had to hear you wanting to talk to her.

 

Sam makes an excellent point, love blinds us in the worst way. If your friend asked you if he should move to be near this girl, you would probably tell him he was crazy, right? I would strongly advise against it, unless she makes it clear that she wants you to. I know its easy to talk yourself into believing that this other guy couldnt possibly compare, but shes with him and not making any moves to be closer to you - take from that what you will.

[allan131]

Thank you all for the advice (EVEN THOUGH IT"S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.) Hahah. But thanks. I think I'm in the wrong for feeling this way. She said something to me, that thought she was interested in me, and I think I started the hopeful mojo. I was put back into reality today by something she did, and it's not something a person would do if i had a chance. Actually I wouldn't do this to anyone i care about... :mad::mad::mad:

[samspade]

Part of me wants to move closer to her and see if we can rekindle the flame.

 

I did not realize until now that this means you are considering literally moving to where she lives. I thought you meant you wanted to "move in" and get close, and that you two were already living near each other again.

 

Big mistake, man. Do not turn your life upside down just to get near a girl from your past who now has a boyfriend. This is the kind of thinking that gets people burned all the time.

 

And I don't want to sound cocky, but when her and me were together, we walked on air, and I don't think she's walking on air with him. I think he's safe for her.

 

This is another common delusion, I see variations of it all the time. "She doesn't really want to be with HIM, you think. I must be such a raging alpha that she went for some safe nice guy after me, but deep down, her panties are still getting wet over the thought of me. He's just a nice guy she's killing time with."

 

The truth is, you don't know whether she's walking on air with him or not. You don't know if she thinks he's the man of her life, if she misses him while he's gone, if she feels safe with him around. For all you know, she turns into an uninhibited $lut as soon as he unzips his pants because she can't get enough of him. And for all you know, she's glad you're comfortable being such a forgiving and cool friend, seeing as how she replaced you with such a guy.

 

Now if you still think you want to relocate, either to get an ending or to try and rekindle a flame, you need to re-examine the facts, clear your head, and get over this broad. You will find plenty of great single women out there if you put in some effort.

[samspade]

Thank you all for the advice (EVEN THOUGH IT"S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.) Hahah. But thanks. I think I'm in the wrong for feeling this way. She said something to me, that thought she was interested in me, and I think I started the hopeful mojo. I was put back into reality today by something she did, and it's not something a person would do if i had a chance. Actually I wouldn't do this to anyone i care about... :mad::mad::mad:

 

I typed my diatribe as you posted this, so it sounds like you're doing okay. I guess my post will serve as a wake up call to other people looking at these boards.

 

Sorry you're upset, but be glad you realized it now and didn't do anything drastic!