What does he really want?

[broken]

I still love my ex. He tells me he loves me too, however he doesn't want to get married again. He says that he feels better psychologically this way. He had sex with other women when we were married, he still does occasionally. At the same time he says he needs me and wants me to live with him, he wants me to help with housekeeping and he says he wants to be with me. He does want to have a freedom to meet other women from time to time. And I'm sure one day he can leave me for one of them. He is moving to another country. I don't know the language of that country, and generally speaking I will be lost there without him. There's no place for me to come back to once I move away. I'm not sure I'll be safe and happy there, and there's no way to work on this relationship without me moving away to his place, because he is not coming back. He tells me, that I want everything perfect, and everything doesn't happen when I want and the way I want. That I should come to him because he needs me. I do love him, but this arrangement doesn't seem fare to me. It's hard to love a person and see him with other women. And I never wanted to live in another country. If I don't go I will lose him, and I hoped we could work it out. So what should I do? I know I don't see things clearly now, please help me understand this situation.

[Tony T]

I can't believe your post.

 

Your self esteem has got to be ZERO.

 

This guy has clearly told you he wants you for housekeeping purposes and for sex. That means you are worse off than the ladies he cheats with who don't even have to do the housekeeping. What kind of deal is that???

 

Give yourself a break. See a counsellor today. Your love for this guy is the sickest I've seen in a while. And don't be pissed at me for saying so. I've loved some scumbag females who did similar things to me so I've been exactly where you are. It took me a while to get strong and wise up. There is no better feeling in the entire world than to feel power over your feelings and reject the kind of abuse you're subjecting yourself to now.

 

If you move with this guy, I will have you committed. Break away from him as soon as you possibly can. You are far better off with a dog from the Humane Society than you are with him. He is the dirtbag of all dirtbags.

 

And did you ever think of the variety of diseases you may catch when he starts his free-lance screwing overseas. Wouldn't it be nice of him to bring you back some special gifts on his penis. By the way, does he like African Green Monkeys?

 

Please get away from this guy, forget him...and spend whatever time and money it takes to do so. Go see a counsellor, a member of the clergy, a smart, wise friend...anybody who can help you get away from him fast.

 

Not only is he awful for you but he could eventually give you a fatal disease. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

 

If I ever see him, I'll knock him out!!!

[quankanne]

sounds like the guy wants to eat his cake, and have it, too!

 

dump his ass as fast as you can -- no real exchange of love can take place between the two of you if he wants one lifestyle and you another. you deserve better than what he offers, you really and truly do.

 

He says he "feels better psychologically" by keeping you in a one-sided relationship that benefits him? Sure he does -- all he has to do is take, because he knows you're going to keep giving whatever he wants, i.e., your love and commitment. Why would he want that to change? Especially when he knows you're willing to play his games...

 

He's cheated on you before when you were married, he's going to keep doing it over and over, because he is not interested in a monogamous relationship with you (or anyone else, from the sounds of it). Forget about the emotional mess this is bound to have caused -- think about all those diseases he puts the two of you at risk for. Is it worth it, when all is said and done? What if you want to have kids? How will he react to being tied down that way?

 

he's using you, and what's worse, is that you're letting him, because your concept of love for him clouds your judgment. I'm not dissing you here, just trying to help you understand that nobody, NOBODY deserves to be treated like that if it's not the kind of relationship they want to be in. Like I said, you deserve better than what he can offer, and as hard as it might be, just dump the rat-bastard. It may take awhile, but you'll find someone who'll better fit your definition of love/relationships, and who will cherish you because he feels that way about you, not because he's got you cornered in some mind-game.

[midori]

Dear Broken,

 

If a religious nut showed up on your doorstep, wanting to convert you to his obscure faith, would you question whether or not you ought to consider doing what he wanted you to do?

 

When a telemarketer calls, wanting you to sign up for this, that, or the other, do you make your decision based on what the telemarketer wants, or based on whether or not you a) tolerate telemarketers and b) need the service being offered?

 

OF COURSE what your ex is proposing isn't fair. Do you need anyone else to tell you that? And, unfair though it is, it's easy to see why he'd want it. But you don't want it!! There really isn't anything more to it than that. Your ex wants things you don't want. You still love him. He, clearly, and despite what he might say, does not love you. Actions speak louder and longer than words. Follow him at your peril. Personally, I'd be slamming the door in his face, or hanging up the phone the minute I heard his voice (incidentally, the same tactics I use on missionaries and telemarketers).

 

As long as you allow yourself to believe his words while ignoring his actions, you will be susceptible to him. He might not be trying to deliberately hurt you, but he's all too willing to take advantage of you. He probably tells himself that it's all right because you wouldn't do it if you didn't want to. But you don't want to be in a relationship with a faithless man who will never give you an ounce of security -- do you?

 

It sounds to me like you need to sever all contact with your ex until you realize that his words are ephemeral, insubstantial and misleading -- in other words, not to be taken seriously. Don't move anywhere with him. He sounds perfectly awful.

[broken]

Thank you very much to all who responded. You helped me to sort out the emotional mess I'm in, your advice is very valuable to me. God bless and the best wishes to all of you.