Does NC always apply?

[barefoot880]

So here's my story. Ex girlfriend broke up with me about a week ago. We were together for 4 years. She basically felt that our relationship was going nowhere.

 

I remember her talking to me 6 months ago about wanting more intimacy in our relationship because we never had sex. I kept telling her I was not ready to go that route.

 

She said she was fed up with the lack of communication from my end and how I would hardly open up to her about my wants and needs. I did have a bad habit of keeping important information from her such as significant events going on in my life.

 

For example I didn't tell her about the car accident I was in last August and I didn't tell her about my promotion at my job. She just discovered it months later because she was going through the glove compartment of my car seeing some information about the accident.

 

It is true that I am afraid of intimacy and commitment. Is it common for these kind of fears to turn women off? By December she suggested that we should go away for christmas vacation because she wanted to do something special for me at the hotel. She talked about buying some stuff from an adult store.

 

I basically told her that I am perfectly content getting all my sexual needs met from masturbation alone and that I don't need her help. So by January she got a bit more distant and backed off from me.

 

She has recently been going to church & she converted to christianity & is getting really serious about her commitment to Christ. She invited me to church a few sundays ago and I told her "No thanks. I'm perfectly happy with my lifestyle. I don't need God or Jesus. I want nothing to do with them and I feel that church is nothing more than a money making organization. If the God they preach exists I hope He stays as far away from me as possible!"

 

So this was another issue she said that bothered her was the fact that I "blaspheme God" and have a "hardened heart." She was upset that I wouldn't even keep an open mind and read the bible with her. I told her that I reject the bible and any other religious book because I don't want any book controlling my life. So that was our last heated argument. I used to be a christian and I left the faith and now I'm just an agnostic.

 

Sounds to me like we just grew apart. She has embraced a new religion and wants more out of the relationship than what I'm willing to give such as sexual intimacy and marriage. She asked me "don't you ever want to get married?" I said "That is out of the question. Marriage is another institution of control. I want us both to have the freedom to leave at anytime."

 

So anyway I really miss this girl and it's sad to see 4 years go down the drain. Is sex really that important in a relationship? I suppose a sexless relationship is a dealbreaker for most people. Therefore sex becomes an obligation or a duty that I as a man must perform.

 

It's not enough that women find a guy who can financially provide for them but they also want a man who will perform his sexual duty. I have no problems financially providing for a woman but they want more than that.

 

I have been in NC with my ex for about 11 days. What should I do if she calls me? Should I answer or should I let it go to voicemail? If she leaves a message should I return the call? I've had 2 missed calls from her from friday night but no message.

[vivrantflo]

Wow...

 

The fact that she doesn't resent the hell out of you, just shows how good of a woman she really is..

 

If you are afraid of intimacy and commitment, you should NOT be in a relationship.. cause relationships require...... intimacy and commitment.

 

Your views on Christianity are so misconstrued, there's no way you two would ever work out.

 

You got into a car accident, and didn't feel it was neccessary to tell your woman about it? What gives?? She's your girl, you're supposed to be a team.

 

And if I was with a woman for four years, and wanted more intimacy out of the relationship, and she told me that "she's fine with masturbating and doesn't need my help" .. I would feel like the lowest form of dog $#!t..

 

I can't believe you even said that to her. Do you not care about her feelings?

 

NC should be used here, cause you two are not right for each other at all. You both want completely different things out of a relationship.

 

Don't treat her like garbage anymore... just tell her what you told us. You two have grown apart. Let her know that you do care about her still, but there's no sense in staying in a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

 

As much as it hurts, her breaking up with you is justified. She doesn't really deserve NC from you, but.. in order for you to get over the loss, you have to. That way, both you and her can get over each other emotionally, and move on with your lives.

[barefoot880]

What if she wants to remain friends? What should I tell her? I can't see her as just a friend right now. It would be too painful.

[SeraBella]

I remember her talking to me 6 months ago about wanting more intimacy in our relationship because we never had sex. I kept telling her I was not ready to go that route.

 

She said she was fed up with the lack of communication from my end and how I would hardly open up to her about my wants and needs. I did have a bad habit of keeping important information from her such as significant events going on in my life.

 

For example I didn't tell her about the car accident I was in last August and I didn't tell her about my promotion at my job. She just discovered it months later because she was going through the glove compartment of my car seeing some information about the accident.

 

It is true that I am afraid of intimacy and commitment. Is it common for these kind of fears to turn women off? By December she suggested that we should go away for christmas vacation because she wanted to do something special for me at the hotel. She talked about buying some stuff from an adult store.

 

YESS!!! It is EXTREMELY common! I can't believe that's even a question that is necessary to be posed.

 

Why didn't you tell her about the accident?

 

Come on! FOUR YEARS! Important stuff, man!

 

Why are you so afraid of sex? You never want to have sex? Have you been to counseling? I'm not saying this to sound rude, but it sounds like you may have something in your past that you really should get resolved.

 

I basically told her that I am perfectly content getting all my sexual needs met from masturbation alone and that I don't need her help. So by January she got a bit more distant and backed off from me.

 

She has recently been going to church & she converted to christianity & is getting really serious about her commitment to Christ. She invited me to church a few sundays ago and I told her "No thanks. I'm perfectly happy with my lifestyle. I don't need God or Jesus. I want nothing to do with them and I feel that church is nothing more than a money making organization. If the God they preach exists I hope He stays as far away from me as possible!"

 

Both paragraphs here are MAJOR insults. If you could explain to her WHY masturbation was all you needed, maybe it's ok...but it seems like you're saying "i never want to get close with you, i'll use my hand, you use yours."

 

And the religion thing...GOSH...that is just such a slap in the face...putting her down for something she believes in. It's so ignorant of you! You're ignoring why she wants to have faith and why she is choosing Christianity. I'm not saying to join her, but gosh, my boyfriend is atheist and he's never put down my views.

 

 

Sounds to me like we just grew apart. She has embraced a new religion and wants more out of the relationship than what I'm willing to give such as sexual intimacy and marriage. She asked me "don't you ever want to get married?" I said "That is out of the question. Marriage is another institution of control. I want us both to have the freedom to leave at anytime."

 

You shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

 

No woman will find comfort in a man that wants no commitment OR sexual intimacy.

 

What else is there?

 

 

So anyway I really miss this girl and it's sad to see 4 years go down the drain. Is sex really that important in a relationship? I suppose a sexless relationship is a dealbreaker for most people. Therefore sex becomes an obligation or a duty that I as a man must perform.

 

Yes it is EXTREMELY important. Yes it's a dealbreaker. It's human nature. And there is something else keeping you from it.

 

If you are content being alone, then fine. Otherwise you really should seek some therapy. I mean that in the nicest way.

 

It's not enough that women find a guy who can financially provide for them but they also want a man who will perform his sexual duty. I have no problems financially providing for a woman but they want more than that.

 

LIFE comes from more than that.

 

 

I have been in NC with my ex for about 11 days. What should I do if she calls me? Should I answer or should I let it go to voicemail? If she leaves a message should I return the call? I've had 2 missed calls from her from friday night but no message.

 

Do not answer. Do not return her calls. Let her go. She will stop.

 

I'm sure she misses you, and she probably called in a moment of desperation.

 

Give her the chance to get over you. She needs NC, really. You both do. Four years takes a LONG time to get over, and the two of you talking will only prolong the pain.

 

You show no indication of any inclination to change, or even the slightest desire to change. You really don't even sound like you care for her at all. I'm sorry, that's just how you come across. You don't seem to want her to have any needs fulfilled...except financial.

 

Like vivrantflo has said, I have no idea how she doesn't resent you.

 

 

What if she wants to remain friends? What should I tell her? I can't see her as just a friend right now. It would be too painful.

 

Don't talk to her. Don't remain her friend. Tell her you are unable if for some reason you would talk. Remaining friends is a BAD idea.

[frd150]

Wow...

 

The fact that she doesn't resent the hell out of you, just shows how good of a woman she really is..

 

If you are afraid of intimacy and commitment, you should NOT be in a relationship.. cause relationships require...... intimacy and commitment.

 

Your views on Christianity are so misconstrued, there's no way you two would ever work out.

 

You got into a car accident, and didn't feel it was neccessary to tell your woman about it? What gives?? She's your girl, you're supposed to be a team.

 

And if I was with a woman for four years, and wanted more intimacy out of the relationship, and she told me that "she's fine with masturbating and doesn't need my help" .. I would feel like the lowest form of dog $#!t..

 

I can't believe you even said that to her. Do you not care about her feelings?

 

NC should be used here, cause you two are not right for each other at all. You both want completely different things out of a relationship.

 

Don't treat her like garbage anymore... just tell her what you told us. You two have grown apart. Let her know that you do care about her still, but there's no sense in staying in a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

 

As much as it hurts, her breaking up with you is justified. She doesn't really deserve NC from you, but.. in order for you to get over the loss, you have to. That way, both you and her can get over each other emotionally, and move on with your lives.

 

 

Ditto. Vivrant once again and as usual your spot on.

 

 

Barefoot, I have to ask is this for real? I mean I respect different views but...wow.

 

Usually someone who does not want to have sex while in a relationship(esp 4yrs) is doing so due to religion but that does not seem to come into play here. I dont get it. You know that everyone you meet and fall in love with is going to want to be intimate at some level and at one time or another.

 

And not respecting her new found faith.

 

 

So what are you looking for? with her? Do you miss her? would you be willing to make comprimises?

 

In my situation I got Lazy with sex and it was part of what cost me my ex. I wish I would have done things differently. That masterbation statement would have gotten me a slap accros the face.

 

 

With all due respect you should leave her alone,move on and find someone who shares your views.

[barefoot880]

I used to be a christian so I can speak bad about churches & the christian faith. I was never happy in that faith. It messed up my mind. I have made myself a happier and better person after leaving the faith. I don't want to be anywhere near any christians or jews because they are not a good influence in my life.

 

Yes I realize just about any woman is going to want sexual intimacy at some point in a relationship. I just choose not to be intimate. Why should I when I can get all my sexual needs met just fine through my own hand?

 

As far as a compromise is concerned I would be willing to compromise by going through the motions of sexual intercourse if it was absolutely necessary to keep her around.

 

But I would not tell her what turns me on. I would not disclose my private fantasizes that get me off during masturbation. So I could have compromised by going through the motions without telling her what turns me on.

[frd150]

I used to be a christian so I can speak bad about churches & the christian faith. I was never happy in that faith. It messed up my mind. I have made myself a happier and better person after leaving the faith. I don't want to be anywhere near any christians or jews because they are not a good influence in my life.

 

Yes I realize just about any woman is going to want sexual intimacy at some point in a relationship. I just choose not to be intimate. Why should I when I can get all my sexual needs met just fine through my own hand?

 

As far as a compromise is concerned I would be willing to compromise by going through the motions of sexual intercourse if it was absolutely necessary to keep her around.

 

But I would not tell her what turns me on. I would not disclose my private fantasizes that get me off during masturbation. So I could have compromised by going through the motions without telling her what turns me on.

 

 

Why couldnt she help fill your fantasies? maybe a loaded question.

 

If you are intimate with her just to go through the motions you will end up just as you are now...alone. Women are very good at sencing it so unless you are truly into it I wouldnt even try.

[SeraBella]

I used to be a christian so I can speak bad about churches & the christian faith. I was never happy in that faith. It messed up my mind. I have made myself a happier and better person after leaving the faith. I don't want to be anywhere near any christians or jews because they are not a good influence in my life.

 

Yes I realize just about any woman is going to want sexual intimacy at some point in a relationship. I just choose not to be intimate. Why should I when I can get all my sexual needs met just fine through my own hand?

 

As far as a compromise is concerned I would be willing to compromise by going through the motions of sexual intercourse if it was absolutely necessary to keep her around.

 

But I would not tell her what turns me on. I would not disclose my private fantasizes that get me off during masturbation. So I could have compromised by going through the motions without telling her what turns me on.

 

That sounds absolutely awful.

 

Do you open up with anyone at all?

 

I would HATE to be having sex with someone who was just "going through the motions" to keep me around. It's such a common reason people become involved in physical affairs.

 

And I would also hate not knowing what turns him on.

 

Sexual intimacy isn't just going through the motions...it's the understanding between the two of you...what you both enjoy, what turns both of you on.

[barefoot880]

I'll do my best to stick with NC. I won't make it a point to return her calls. It's torturing me just to see her log online on messenger so I blocked her.

Edited March 10, 2008 by barefoot880

[frd150]

I'll do my best to stick with NC. I won't make it a point to return her calls. It's torturing me just to see her log online on messenger so I blocked her.

 

 

Listen man Im sorry your hurting but re read your op an really think about it. The answers are there.

 

The pain sucks but maybe being alone for a while will help you figure things out, figure out whats best for you and well her. You were with her for three years+.

 

one other thing, people are going to give it to you straight here. You asked for caliguy,be prepared.

Edited March 10, 2008 by frd150

[CaliGuy]

So here's my story. Ex girlfriend broke up with me about a week ago. We were together for 4 years. She basically felt that our relationship was going nowhere.

 

I remember her talking to me 6 months ago about wanting more intimacy in our relationship because we never had sex. I kept telling her I was not ready to go that route.

 

She said she was fed up with the lack of communication from my end and how I would hardly open up to her about my wants and needs. I did have a bad habit of keeping important information from her such as significant events going on in my life.

 

For example I didn't tell her about the car accident I was in last August and I didn't tell her about my promotion at my job. She just discovered it months later because she was going through the glove compartment of my car seeing some information about the accident.

 

It is true that I am afraid of intimacy and commitment. Is it common for these kind of fears to turn women off? By December she suggested that we should go away for christmas vacation because she wanted to do something special for me at the hotel. She talked about buying some stuff from an adult store.

 

I basically told her that I am perfectly content getting all my sexual needs met from masturbation alone and that I don't need her help. So by January she got a bit more distant and backed off from me.

 

She has recently been going to church & she converted to christianity & is getting really serious about her commitment to Christ. She invited me to church a few sundays ago and I told her "No thanks. I'm perfectly happy with my lifestyle. I don't need God or Jesus. I want nothing to do with them and I feel that church is nothing more than a money making organization. If the God they preach exists I hope He stays as far away from me as possible!"

 

So this was another issue she said that bothered her was the fact that I "blaspheme God" and have a "hardened heart." She was upset that I wouldn't even keep an open mind and read the bible with her. I told her that I reject the bible and any other religious book because I don't want any book controlling my life. So that was our last heated argument. I used to be a christian and I left the faith and now I'm just an agnostic.

 

Sounds to me like we just grew apart. She has embraced a new religion and wants more out of the relationship than what I'm willing to give such as sexual intimacy and marriage. She asked me "don't you ever want to get married?" I said "That is out of the question. Marriage is another institution of control. I want us both to have the freedom to leave at anytime."

 

So anyway I really miss this girl and it's sad to see 4 years go down the drain. Is sex really that important in a relationship? I suppose a sexless relationship is a dealbreaker for most people. Therefore sex becomes an obligation or a duty that I as a man must perform.

 

It's not enough that women find a guy who can financially provide for them but they also want a man who will perform his sexual duty. I have no problems financially providing for a woman but they want more than that.

 

I have been in NC with my ex for about 11 days. What should I do if she calls me? Should I answer or should I let it go to voicemail? If she leaves a message should I return the call? I've had 2 missed calls from her from friday night but no message.

 

Do me a favor. Take yourself out of the above post and re-read it as if you are reading about someone else's relationship. Put their name (Joe, Bob, whatever) in place of yours. Then tell me what you think.

 

Hopefully that will give you a different perspective.

 

Once you've done that, then ask me again what I think about your situation.

[CaliGuy]

Dupe post please delete mods

[trulysomething]

I remember her talking to me 6 months ago about wanting more intimacy in our relationship because we never had sex. I kept telling her I was not ready to go that route.

 

********It's okay to not be ready...but it's NOT okay to not have a reason as to 'why' you are not ready. To keep your partner happy, sometimes you need to do things for them sexually (manual stimulation even!) and intimately (massage,snuggling up,kissing, etc) to keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive************

 

 

She said she was fed up with the lack of communication from my end and how I would hardly open up to her about my wants and needs. I did have a bad habit of keeping important information from her such as significant events going on in my life.

 

***********Communication in any relationship is KEY! And after 4 years, you should want to share everything with her..openly and honestly.******************

 

For example I didn't tell her about the car accident I was in last August and I didn't tell her about my promotion at my job. She just discovered it months later because she was going through the glove compartment of my car seeing some information about the accident.

 

*********Why would you not share either of these situations! You should have been proud about your promotion! She would have wanted to share in your joy, but instead you were ashamed? **************

 

It is true that I am afraid of intimacy and commitment. Is it common for these kind of fears to turn women off? By December she suggested that we should go away for christmas vacation because she wanted to do something special for me at the hotel. She talked about buying some stuff from an adult store.

 

***********4 years IS a commitment. Unless you were both randomly dating other people...but it doesn't sound like it. If you know that these are areas in your life that you are fearful of, you need to do some serious work on yourself if you want to be in another relationship.**********

 

I basically told her that I am perfectly content getting all my sexual needs met from masturbation alone and that I don't need her help. So by January she got a bit more distant and backed off from me.

 

*******I don't blame the girl one bit. This is rude and again, you never explained to why you didn't need the emotional attachment to her.******

 

She has recently been going to church & she converted to christianity & is getting really serious about her commitment to Christ. She invited me to church a few sundays ago and I told her "No thanks. I'm perfectly happy with my lifestyle. I don't need God or Jesus. I want nothing to do with them and I feel that church is nothing more than a money making organization. If the God they preach exists I hope He stays as far away from me as possible!"

 

***********personal beliefs are just that...personal. No need to slag off your GIRLFRIEND for hers because they are not the same as yours. You are not siamese twins.**********

 

Sounds to me like we just grew apart. She has embraced a new religion and wants more out of the relationship than what I'm willing to give such as sexual intimacy and marriage. She asked me "don't you ever want to get married?" I said "That is out of the question. Marriage is another institution of control. I want us both to have the freedom to leave at anytime."

 

************I hate to say it, but it sounds like she smartened/grew up and realized that you were not willing to be flexible, honest, communicative or giving. She put up with your fears and insecurities for 4 years...she HAD been patient and caring with you. I agree with everyone else when they suggest that talking with a professional might be of help.*********

 

So anyway I really miss this girl and it's sad to see 4 years go down the drain. Is sex really that important in a relationship? I suppose a sexless relationship is a dealbreaker for most people. Therefore sex becomes an obligation or a duty that I as a man must perform.

 

It's not enough that women find a guy who can financially provide for them but they also want a man who will perform his sexual duty. I have no problems financially providing for a woman but they want more than that.

 

********Women can make their own money. Suggesting otherwise is sexist. Women want a PARTNER,an EQUAL...someone to share a life with,not necessarily provide financial support! Someone to share their worries, fears, insecurities, goals, promotions, car accidents, fantasies,dreams,hopes. Someone they can work with...not against. It sounds like you were working against everything she was trying to do with you and for you. Leave her to find a relationship she is deserving of.******

Edited March 10, 2008 by trulysomething

[carhill]

Upon reading the OP only:

 

1. Troll

 

or

 

2. No need for a relationship, as there appears to be no desire for any aspect which one might reasonably provide.

 

Interesting world

[MalachiX]

Could it be that there's someone who treated their ex worse than I did mine? I feel the need to do a little jig.

 

Joking aside, I'll try to assume what you wrote was serious and not just an attempt to make jerks like me feel better about themselves (if so, thank you).

 

My advice is simple:

 

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

 

I don't mean this as an insult; I'm dead serious because you obviously have some issues that you're not dealing with.

 

Believing that any sexual relationship is worthless because one can always masterbate is not a normal reaction (not even chemically). Thinking you can have a serious relationship with someone and not tell them when you've been in a car accident or gotten a promotion is amazingly neglectful. Mocking someone's faith, telling them you have no interest in intimacy or marriage, and generally treating them like a doormat is not normal.

 

I'm guessing there's something serious going on with you that you aren't prepared to deal with but if you want to have real interactions with people you need to deal with it and it's gonna take some serious professional help.

 

As for the girl, leave her alone until you get your head sorted it. She was a saint to put up with your issues for four years and doesn't deserve dealing with the steps you have to take to get your life together.

 

If you do come out on the other side and are ready for a relationship in which intimacy, communication, and the prospect of a long-term commitment exist; it's still gonna be an uphill battle. You're going to have to do some serious groveling and be amazingly open, understanding, and pretty much willing to give her whatever she needs to forgive you.

[bejshermanoaks]

Dude

She seems into you man...heres the deal..you dont get close with her sexually because you have intimacy issues..are your intimacy issues because you arent into her, or would you be like that with any girl??? Figure this out--if the issues have nothing to do with her, pour your heart out to her and you might get her back--but do it while she is still contacting you or you will lose her.