hayati Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 I always wondered this. Silence can mean so much. I was with a girl and we split and I did hurt her quite a bit. A lot of time passed before I tried to talk to her and when I did, she basically said how dare you contact me, etc....Months passed, actually over a year passed and many emails and finally I called her and we talked for several hours. It was like riding a bike 20 years later, it still works. We talked a few times and then one day I saw her while on vacation in her city and she avoided me totally and never replied to any contact. I just find it weird how you can get past all the anger and be friendly and then avoid all together. I will never understand girls for the life of me............I take it to mean she doesn't care and she's obviously moved on, is that always the case though? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 I was with a girl and we split and I did hurt her quite a bit. ........I take it to mean she doesn't care and she's obviously moved on, is that always the case though? ...and there you go. Works for me. Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Umm yes.....If you ignore a woman for a long period of time YES...... she will be bitter.This isn't rocket science................Women are not like men.We need "emotional maintenence".We need to know that you care....that we matter....etc etc.......if not, yes that flame dies out. A woman without love in her life is a sad sight....LOL. I am proof.I have pics..... Seriously.....as egotistical as it seems...women need to feel loved, wanted and cherished.If you neglect her, she will replace you with a pair of AA batteries.......... Link to post Share on other sites
answers23 Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 well, what if you tried to contact her a month after the break up and talk for a little bit but she says talking isn't a good idea.... but then ends it with "don't be a stranger" what the hell is this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 It was about 2 years before we talked civially, and it felt great. We overcame so much. At the end of the chat, she said if you need me, I'm here. Time did pass and she was getting farther and farther away. I remember once she was short with me and I couldn't figure it out. SHe was so nice and then she changed. I am not a girl and I Dunno how u girls think but I ALWAYS figured she didn't wanna let herself fall again, so she was avoiding talking to me in length. ANd then when I did come face to face with her, she was shocked and frozen and then turned away. After that I made a few attempts to talk to her, but got nothing back. It's confusing because you bridge a gap and you think you made a friend but then she changes her mind. And Let me tell you, ex's are not your friends. I know this........but y would a girl be like gold one day and then ignore you the next?? Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 You said it was a couple YEARS before you talked 'civially" again.What did you expect? Her to jump through hoops for you?? She said if you needed a friend she would be there for you......she probably just expected to NOT hear from you again........ A LOT can happen to a person emotionally in a couple years. She likely moved on WAY past her feelings for you. So when you were ready......... she was gone. I am not sure why this would shock you. It pretty NORMAL behavior.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 Because when you are engaged to someone and it ends, you are angry, You may hate them for a while. Eventually the hate goes away. Anger can manipulate a person, if you let it. I did and by the time I realized I still loved her, 2 years had passed believe it or not. Part of me will always think she does love and she does care but she won't give in.......I'll always believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
Rowen Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 After my ex dumped me, i begged, cried like a baby, and also made her angry saying she was miserable before me and she won't be better off. THat just threw her off the deep end. So I took steps b ack and went NC.. she came back. She has not lasted longer than 16 days of NC before she contacts me. THe resentment is gone, and the feelings are back. So much so that she told me she has started wearing the shirt i left her at night again haahhahaha. IN perosn shes kind and flirty.. and on msn shes cold as stone 80 percent of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) Umm yes.....If you ignore a woman for a long period of time YES...... she will be bitter.This isn't rocket science................Women are not like men.We need "emotional maintenence".We need to know that you care....that we matter....etc etc.......if not, yes that flame dies out. A woman without love in her life is a sad sight....LOL. I am proof.I have pics..... Seriously.....as egotistical as it seems...women need to feel loved, wanted and cherished.If you neglect her, she will replace you with a pair of AA batteries.......... What playbrat said is the 100percent truth. In the past, there was this one guy I loved with all my heart. I would never have left him, I did everything possible for him. I would spend my last cash on him, I would go any lenghts to please him, words cannot explain how much I loved him. Sigh. However, after being together for over 2 years or so, I moved away to another country (I had no choice) to further my education. Well, I would call him, send him anything he wanted etc. I remember when I had no money and he told me he like the chelsea football jersey. I bought it for him and sent it to him even though I didnt have any money. I didnt tell him I was broke however. It was a give and take relationship..he did things for me as well, however I must admit that from my side there were many more sacrifices, more commitment, more trust etc. So, anyway he started acting up after a while He would ignore my calls etc. I hurt so badly for months and months. Words cant explain how much I hur.t...Up till today, I have not loved anyone the way I loved him. You know, I guess the love i had for him was naive as well. Giving all i had etc. Anyway, for about 6months, I didnt know where the hell he was. He moved as well and never contacted me. Well, a got a phone call one day...6 months later and it was him. Trust me, i never believed I would have fallen out of love with this guy...But i did. This happened in 2005 (I mean his calling me after so long etc). Up till today, he wants me back. He contacts me etc. At first, when he contacted me in 2005, I was a bit warm to him etc. You know, friendly etc. However, with time i realised I was forcing it. My feelings had changed. I started to remember all the hurt he had put me through..I could not get over it all. I did not feel that love i felt for him and i realised that the same guy I loved so so much, I felt nothing for time later. Well, i still care about him a lot because we are friends..and I have forgivne him for what he did..However, I dont think I would ever take him back as a boyfriend..Who knows though? He keeps talking about marriage..telling me that he never loved anyone the way he loved me..bla bla..However as playbrat said, women need emotional maintanance. What was he thinking when he dumped me by ignoring my calls..just a few days after I had posted him a jersey that i bought with my last bit of money. How could he totally abandon and appear from nowhere...expecting me to jump into his hands?? I personally think dumpers feel they could always get back with the people they dumped when they want to. Ha. I am not saying all hope is lost but as Caliguy said somewhere, a lot of times men make hasty decisions when breaking up. This is why a lot of times, we see men going back to plead with thier exes..much later. With women however, once she decided to cut you off for good..and I mean for good..it takes a lot to get her back. Women dont give up so easily on relationships the way men do. A lot off my friends who checked out of relationships did so for good reasons. With my case, I know why I would not get back with him. I am not saying it absolutely..anything can happen. However, at this point, I am not willing to get my emotions messed up in anyway. Through out this week, he has been contacting me, however I cannot even be bothered to reply. I still care for him a lot however I have fallen out of love. If he had not done those things he did to me in the past, Idoubt i would feel this way. Anyway, every case is different. My ex still lies about some things which makes it hard to trust him etc. So, tell us about your case. Why did you break at first? Who broke up with who? When did you realise that you wanted her back? have u apologised about the wrong you did? How did you hurt her? I personally believe nothing is impossible..so fill us in..xx Edited January 30, 2008 by ninjaturtles Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 I was engaged to a girl 3 years ago. I loved her and I still do. We split and I hurt her a lot after the break too just by talking too much to people. You live and learn and you realize your mistakes, but it's too late. I did try to get her back...........you try everything, flowers, calls, letters, whatever you can. In the end she ignores them. To this day, she is the love of my life and I Do find it impossible to move on to someon else. I always stop and turn away great girls. One day I will find someone else and be content, but the worst feeling is always have that special love on my mind.......it eats you up. I wish there was some magic way to get her back, but I've given up. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) I just find it weird how you can get past all the anger and be friendly and then avoid all together. I will never understand girls for the life of me............ A person can say sorry, and you can believe that they're being very genuine. Giving a warm response is an appropriate acknowledgement of a meaningful apology, but it doesn't necessarily mean that a friendship can be renewed or that every ounce of anger has dissipated forever. Sometimes all it means is that you and the person who has apologised to you aren't enemies any more. You mentioned finding women difficult to understand. I've heard quite a few men complain about having that problem. What I've noticed about the ones who do seem to have pretty good insight into women (and other people in general) is that they examine human actions, motives and consequences very honestly and objectively. When you learn to avoid lying to or flattering yourself, other people's behaviour becomes a fair bit easier to understand. Just a quick few questions. Why were you so persistent in trying to renew your friendship with this girl? What kind of friendship did you hope to achieve? Platonic or f*ck buddy...or something else? Edited January 30, 2008 by lindya Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 The phrase "absent makes the heart grow fonder" usually does not apply to women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 I don't want her as a friend. I want her back with me, side by side. But she won't give anything back. She ignores......which makes it worse. Some advice to everyone, think before you act, don't let anger manipulate you. Everything you do in life, when you take your time, it is much better. When you cook slower, the food usually tastes better. If I had taken my time ------ ah but we can't worry about what if's. She got satisfaction in the end because something of mine is broke that can never be fixed, my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 I was engaged to a girl 3 years ago. I loved her and I still do. We split and I hurt her a lot after the break too just by talking too much to people. You live and learn and you realize your mistakes, but it's too late. I did try to get her back...........you try everything, flowers, calls, letters, whatever you can. In the end she ignores them. To this day, she is the love of my life and I Do find it impossible to move on to someon else. I always stop and turn away great girls. One day I will find someone else and be content, but the worst feeling is always have that special love on my mind.......it eats you up. I wish there was some magic way to get her back, but I've given up. Was the original breakup mutual? Who broke up with who? When you say you hurt after the breakup, did you say the things you said because you were hurt ? (i.e if she broke up with you?). How soon after the breakup did you try to get her back? She may NOT have necessarily moved on you know..this is why facts such as the main instigator of the breakup and the things you said play a role in determining her possible reasons for ignoring you.............. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 She was a few years younger and she was still into the party scene. One night we just had a huge fight and that was it. We were done in a second and the next day I was trashing her name. I took it to a new level and I hated her for a bit. She wasn't perfect but I shoulda kept my laundry in the laundry room. I never once thought about taking her back. We both have a lot of pride. I got engaged about 2 yrs later to another girl but I ended that wanting this one back. Long storyyyyyy. I actually tried to get her back while I was still engaged. I'm scum I know. Anyways I ended it with the other girl then I left things alone. We had another round of fighting over something silly. I was trying to help her but she didn't take it as helping. She got defensive .......... round 2. Months passed and I sent her some flowers and we talked for hours, but she was over everything, the past was the past. We had such a nice chat and I didn't really go into details about wanting her back that nite. The next day I emailed her and she wrote back telling me to find someone better than her etc. blah blah blah. So I wrote her back thanking her for telling me what I already knew etc, and that I had closure. Whatever------time flew and we did talk about 3 or 4 times but I always initiated it and it was brief emails. Months passed and we didn't talk so I emailed her a hi whats up. I got nothing. A week passed and I was kinda annoyed so I called her and left her a msg. Within 10 mins I got an email sayin she was busy sorry she missed my cell. But she didnt even ask how I was! So I left that.......a month later or so i'm in her city which is hours away by plane. The first day I run into her at a mall. Shes with her mom im with my cousins and we stop and stare and freeze..........then she runs into a store. Pretty much I tried to contact four or 5 times after that sight, telling her how I felt too, but I got not a reply........I even emailed her old pics of us that I found, but I got nothing back. So time to move on! Link to post Share on other sites
asilisa Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 I think it's because either she doesn't really care about you anymore or because she doesn't want to open herself up to get hurt again. I mean it's been a long time she has had some time to heal and think of what a jerk you were to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 You're right...........I still think you can't totally not care. Part of you has to a bit. But like I said, I still love her and I'd do anything to fix the wrongs, but I can't do anything. I tried as much as I can and she gave nothing back so the end. I'm not gonna stalk. Link to post Share on other sites
swansong519 Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Women are not like men.We need "emotional maintenence".We need to know that you care....that we matter....etc etc....... With all due respect...that comment sounds a little out dated. Speaking as a man...I like to know that I am appreciated and loved and thought about and that I matter. I don't think these "wants" are the exclusive domain of women. btw...I used the word "want" specifically...because that is what they are...wants. We need food...we need water...we need air...we need shelter... Strictly speaking...everything else is a want... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 Mutual Respect is nice too. Yes I put myself out there a lot lately and I pleaded but I think I deserve something back. Give me something back, I'm not a dog. I did wrong and I made ammends for it. We cleared a path and found the good in one another again, ------- so why ignore me now! Be honest - that's all I want! Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 To the OP, It might be that your ex is over you BUT not over the pain and anguish you caused her. Therefore, she is civil to you in as not being your enemy as Lyndia said but she wants no part of you for she believes and rightly so in my opinion that you could only hurt her again and she just doesn't want to open up that wound. Or to state it differently, she doesn't trust you enough anymore to want to place her heart in your hands again. You are, so to speak, high risk. That's why second/third/fourth etc.. chances rarely work out. That's why it is important to think what consequences your actions may bring while you are still in the relationship. Once the glass is broken, you can never mend it again..never. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 That's why it is important to think what consequences your actions may bring while you are still in the relationship. Amen!!! Hayati, this ex might just have to be a learning experience for you. Lessons to take into a next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
swansong519 Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Once the glass is broken, you can never mend it again..never. In a previous relationship, my ex had a 6 year old boy who was fond of fibbing... I explained to him that trust was like an egg shell...very easy to break, but very difficult to put back together. One should never take the trust of another for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayati Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 I agree with everything you guys are saying. And I did mess up, she did too. The problem is - after we realize that we want them back - we place all of the blame on ourselves. They are not innocent by any means. SHe did her fair share too - but the clincher is - if I had been more patient and not so volatile and angry........I woulda realized sooner that I needed her back and I prob would have had a second chance. The time for a second chance is so small- I let the anger manipulate me for almost 2 years. I really tried the past few weeks to see if she'd give in and she won't. I came across this picture of my hand in hers, it really does sting to see it, but she ignores........totally. Like I said 18 times, I was sure she'd tell me to grow up or something, but I got ziltch from her. Link to post Share on other sites
swansong519 Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) Sometimes there is just no going back. Sad but true. My last relationship, while relatively short, was very painful for me when it ended...I didn't want it to end. Just 2 days ago she called me saying she wanted to talk it out and try again. Problem is...I dealt with it...I felt shi..y...dealt with it and got over it. Now...I have no interest in being back in a relationship with her. Things change...people change...nothing we can do about it. Take some solace in the fact that if it were meant to be...it will be...and if it isn't, then you're better off with things as they are. No point blaming yourself for something you can't reverse (although we all do it). Best to file this one away in the memory bank and try to make sure you do it differently the next time. Edited January 31, 2008 by swansong519 Link to post Share on other sites
swansong519 Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 I've heard of this date doctor sort of thing going around in southern california and I think northern california too. It's kind of like the movie HITCH, but in in real life and it's women, they the whole shebang, help you with talking etc...... I heard a guy who's done it and he was very happy, but I think it's by referral only... Does anyone know about this girl date doctor thing? would someone refer me to the service? I would appreciate any leads. My female friend would like to use the service to, I think they help everyone... please help! I think this might have been more appropriate for another part of the forum... "Dating" perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
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