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My wife is not in love with me anymore


Lovelost2973

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I am 34 years old and I have 3 kids with her. This is each of our first marriage. We have been together 11 years married for 8. We were what I thought was a good couple, and fought maybe every other week and always seemed to resolve the fights before we went to sleep. Almost a week ago my wife told me that she loves me but does not know if she is in love with me.

 

I will explain myself as I have done alot of thinking and analyzing. My wife says that she has made every attempt to make this marriage work. She and I both work but she makes a bit more money so I stay home to take care of the kids and I work overnights on weekends as a nurse, which she is as well. She is originally from out of state and moved here to be with me. I can best figure that about 6 years ago just as she got pregnant with our 2nd child, I started taking interest in online gaming. Since I had children, I slowly lost all the friends I had and it was sort of a social outlet for me. As time went on, I did less housework, I would get angry if the children would interrupt me and I talked less with my wife. She began to play the game as well a couple of years ago, at first it was good but we went in different directions in the game. I started to feel a distance but was uncertain so I introverted to observe. My wife started to buy new clothes, contacts/glasses and has been working out more frequently. She now claims it was all to get my attention, but I commented very little if at all. The whole while someone else at work was noticing her every change and complimenting her. One day last week, she wore a new dress that she looked great in and everyone at work complimented her, but when she came home, I was too busy with the kids and was still introverted so I did not say much atleast she says she didn't hear me. She said that was the last straw for her.

 

That night she and I talked and she told me that she is not in love with me but still has a love for me. She expressed interest in this guy and said that for the first time in her life she faltered. She said from the day we got married that if anyone approached her with interest, she always made it clear that she was happily married. This time things were different because of how long I neglected being the man I should have been, the father I should have been. (Edit here) She said that nothing more than harmless flirting happened but it made her feel good when I didn't. Today she says that nothing more than him holding her hand to console her ever happened, I do believe her.

 

I was devistated to say the least. We have had numerous conversations over the past week. Before anything happened with anyone, she put an end to it. She said anyone who leaves a marriage for another person is a coward but that still does not change her feelings. From the second she told me she did not love me, I changed, I mean it this time, not for a week but for life. She was right and I wrote her a letter owning up to everything I could think of over 6 years. I have cleaned the entire house top to bottom everyday, I have spent alot of time having fun with the children. I know I need to fix those things reguardless of what happens to us. She will not let me be anything more than friends, nothing romantic at all. She is looking into divorce to explore her options. She said she thinks it takes a year of sepperation before a divorce can occur. I asked her if she could have one tomorrow would she? She replied, I just want to be honest with you, yes I would. She says she does not believe me about the changes I made but hopes they are permenant for the sake of the kids but has no interest in making this work. No interest in therapy or anything. She says she needs to find the part of her that she lost. The part of her that would have stood up to me if I yelled at the children. Earlier this past week I hadda know more about this guy, so I came home from work and she was asleep. That night she had gone out with the girls from work and swore that this guy was not going to be there. She would not tell me who he was even though I do not know him. I looked at her work email when I got home and saw a name repeatedly and got a chance to look at one mail where she asked if he was comming that night. She came downstairs and I was upset, I said he was there wasn't he, she swore NO. Claimed that this was a different guy who she talks to about her relationship with and he talks to her about the same with his girlfriend. I believed her and was sorry and promised not to look again. Days went by and I needed to use her computer to order something, the kids were using my computer. I opened the history tab and saw a few things about divorce, up untill this point the D word had never even been suggested. I also saw alot of communtication on a mail account that I thought she didn't use. I worked my way through the process of getting the password and got in. I found out that this guy was the guy and that he was there. I know that she ended it because alot of the conversation was about all the things she will miss but I actually got the impression that he ended it.

 

I confronted he that night about where this is going and demanded that she swear to tell me the truth. Finally the fact that she is looking into divorce came out, she said so she knows her options. I asked her if anything happened and she swore that she told me the truth up until that point. I then told her that I went into the new mail. She was upset but I think partially relieved, I think. I had a long discussion with her begging her to come to counciling asking if there is any chance. She said to be honest, maybe 1% but she does not think so.

 

There is obviously alot more detail here but I can't use up the whole site. She still will share a laugh with me, a handshake, a rare hug. I have read to give her space and I have tried. I told her that she has nothing to worry about with her privacy because it could not get any worse so I have no interest in knowing. As long as I keep everything casual, I can talk with her, I can laugh with her, I can even go to dinner with her(just not a romantic one). She says she is sorry and knows that this is a surprise to me, but it has hurt her for years.

 

Today I continue to do everything I didn't do but I need to know if there is hope. She says no, but I want in every ounce of my soul for that to be wrong.

 

Help

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Well it seems you have been through alot. Sounds like the main root to this problem has been communication. This is on both ends. You stopped communicating with her because of the game, and she did not come up and tell you exactly what was bothering her all this time. The working out, dressing nice, etc.. was not the right way about communicating with you on what she was missing.

 

That said what she has been doing is cheating. It doesn't matter if any sex between them occured. Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical. This OM is only interested in one thing, and I can GUARANTEE when he realizes that these 3 kids are a package deal he will run. If a guy is that immature to be involved in destroying a marriage then he is not even remotely mature enough to help raise 3 kids.

 

That being said you can't control what this OM does. You can't control what your wife does. The only thing you can control is what YOU do. Continue to improve yourself, look for other outlets than gaming. Go out and explore the world. Set short-term goals for yourself and accomplish them.

 

Now for your wife. IMO the BEST thing you can do is to open that cage door as WIDE as possible. Go against ALL of your instincts in wanting to beg or shower her in 'I love you's. She knows you love her, she knows you care. However what she doesn't know is what way to go. If you tolerate her behavior by allowing yourself to be dragged through the mud then you become a safety net. What this does is allow her to live her 'single' life without the consequence of losing you. It's a slow torture because during this phase she will continue to give you emotional hope of you two getting back together while she in reality is moving onto someone else.

 

I would approach this with the 'Tough Love' approach. This will benefit you in two ways. First, it will not allow the 'dragging through the mud' scenario to happen. The answer you get from this approach is the same answer you would get by being the safety net, however you will find resolution alot faster and with a lot less hurt and disappointment. Next time she mentions divorce tell her 'I understand you wanting to leave and if that is what you really want then I won't hold you back. However once you go, I cannot take you back'. Then just walk away, let it upto her.

 

DON'T move out of the house, don't accept her terms on ending this. Remember she has CHEATED on you. She has to take FULL responsibility for what she has done. She could had at any point in time before this come upto you and have a heart to heart talk and mention how she has been feeling. At any point before her cheating she could have set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. She chose not too.

 

She is more at fault over this due to her cheating than what you are. If she doesn't want to goto marriage counselor, let her know that you will then have to move on with your own life.

 

The main point in all of this right now is to get her to start thinking. We can't guarantee she will come back and we won't give you false hope. Our main concern right now is your well-being and a way you can get this resolved so that you can move on with your life with, or without her.

 

You are not alone in this, many people are going through this now just like you are.

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"Love Must Be Tough" - Dr. James Dobson. Get that book and read it ASAP. Also, follow JMargel's advice. Some good info there to chew on.

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I appreciate the thoughts and pointers, my wife and I started with no games, it wasn't a situation where we said maybe I should wait a day or 2 to call, we had no games from the beginning. It concerns me to start playing games now.

 

I love her with everything that I am, the pain I have felt over the past week is worse than anything I could ever imagine.

 

I stay awake the entire night at times, I have never in my life done that. I go days without eating, I never missed a meal

 

I am trying to give her space to work it out, honestly. I just have to talk about it at times

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Speaking as a woman who was in a very similar situation (although, really, my whole question for everybody at loveshack today is: WHY DO YOU READ THEIR EMAIL?!?!?! IT'S AN INVASION OF PRIVACY AND WILL MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE!!!), I can promise you that the one and only chance you have of regaining her respect and making her question her decision is to become proactive in initiating the divorce. If she wants one, she wants one. So now give it to her. Back off completely. Don't tell her how much you love her, and don't try to be romantic with her. Initite divorce proceedings and then tell her you've done it. This goes against everything you want to do, I know, but it's your one and only shot. At the very least, you want to walk out of this with your self-respect, and knowing you didn't just wait around pining for her while she was moving on is the one way to get that back.

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