Heart broken by a person I loved with all my heart

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Hi guys and gals... I feel like introducing myself as everyone's story is unique in its own way, but similiar in some ways. I already have a feeling that my story may be come long... so you've all been warned:p

 

I'm a 23 year old American studying in Poland. I've family in Poland as well, but the city where I study is roughly 100 miles from where they live and where my Ex lives. Growing up, I used to spend long summers over at my family's place and hung out with the guys. At age 16(back in 2000), I met a girl (she's a year and half younger) through a good friend of mine. She turns out to be a neighbor of my grandmothers living in the same apartment complex. As soon as I've met her... there was something that attracted me to her. Although she's good looking, I don't think it was looks alone that attracted me as I can honestly/neutrally say that there were other girls who were probably more attractive. I still can't say for sure what it was that attracted me to her... either her smile or her eyes or the combination of both. Anyways, at the time I was a very shy guy... and basically relied on my friend to help me introduce myself to her. It was a quick "hi, how are you?" type of conversation and we left. Then the following week I was left a lone by my friend as he left for his vacation. Seeing that I was alone, the girl (whom' I will reffer to as M) came out and started hanging out with me and keeping me company. We ended up hanging out ALL the time from morning to past midnight outside the aparment complex.... rode bikes to the forest, talking about all sorts of things... as well as her laughing at my American accent when speaking Polish. As I got more and more comfortable with her... I began feeling "different" near her.... and it was about a month later that I realized I had a special feeling for her. I wanted to let her know it, but as mentioned earlier.. I was very shy. I told myself it was important to let her know how I feel about her. I began planning special moments where I would let her know.... but the time quickly past where she ended up going home or something occured that prevented me from saying what I wanted. As my summer break neared its end... I had a plan to have it done in writing. I took a piece of paper and wrote "I love you, M" in Polish, folded it and placed it on the train tracks. As we went out on a walk and along the train tracks... I told her there's something on the tracks I wanted her to see. ( I know that this whole thing sounds cheesy, but thats how it was:p). As we walked, she found it and picked it up. We then headed over to a bench where she unfolded the note and read it. Hoping to hear a positive responce... she pointed out a grammatical error and said nothing. I felt bummed out at that point but kept my cool. We proceeded that day as if nothing happened... but atleast I felt better that I let her know my feelings. The following day I was returning home and saw her for the last time before going back. She gave me an envelope with a letter and a photo of herself and our friends. When she gave me the envelope, she told me to open it only when I am home. I, however, couldn't wait... and ended up reading it while in transit back home. In the letter, she wrote how the summer that she spent with me was the best summer in her life and how she enjoyed my company and thought how cute I was. She made no mention that she loved me, but it didn't bother me too much. I tried keeping in touch with her when I was in the US by sending her a letter and package for xmas. However after xmas I have not heard anything from her and contacts have ceased. I was bummed out... but got myself around it by counting down days to when I will see her again in the following summer.

Fast forward another summer.... I arrive and see my friends. They ask me if I still love M... which I reply yes I do, and that I'd like to see her again. That is when I am told the news that she's "changed" and is not the same person that I knew from the year before. When I saw her finally, I saw her from a distance and I knew she saw me... but she blew me off. I realized that she was with a boyfriend who he along with his friend... "took" her away from me and my friends. That "bond" that we all had together was separated by these 2 guys. That summer was particularly very hard for me.. as I was hoping for something nice to happen... but the wishful thinking got the better of me. I met a couple other girls during that summer... one of which was totally into me, but I couldn't return that same feeling as I had M's thoughts in my head and heart. I eventually told her, listen... I couldn't cuddle/kiss with you as I don't feel comfortable doing it with me being in love with someone else. She was particularly hurt by what I said... but it was the best thing to do as to not cause any more pain. That summer actually sucked for me and I ended up coming back home depressed... but still thinking about M, wondering why she changed?

Then fastforward another summer....

This time she's with another boyfriend... and actually was talking/hanging out with my friends as well. Because of this.. she ended up coming up to me and saying hi. We started talking a lot more over the course of the summer.... and the boyfriend realized this. I never had the intention of getting in between their relationship nor did I bad-mouth anyone... but he didn't particularly like me and ended up being an a-hole to me. As we spent more time over the summer talking... I asked her about why she was blowing me off the previous summer... as I thought we both were very close when we met. She explained to me that it was all because of her ex-bf.. and she regretted it. She told me how she wanted to see me, but her ex was very "territorial" about her meeting me again. We ended up just casually seeing each other during that summer and hanging out as friends and nothing more. I left for home that summer, still thinking of her.. hoping one day I could be with her.

I find out later that she got internet/email and I ended up writing to her. She was surprised to see it was me and we started talking about all sorts of things. We eventually ended up chatting up very late.. especially with thr 6 hour time difference. Every free moment we had we ended up online chatting and having fun. We really both enjoyed each other's company and it was a start of the special bond. After being with the boyfriend for 2 years, she ended up breaking up with him. I thought to myself.. oh wow, thats harsh... but in the same time I saw it as "my chance". I only comforted her during that time period, made no mention of "us".. never talked to her as if she were mine... but only as a friend. She knew everything about me and I knew everything about her.... we literally were each other's best friend. 3 Months later... I had a winter break and I told myself go out there to see her. I did just that... and told her I would like to spend my Xmas with her, my family and be with her for the new year.

Winter break of 2003/2004 we met, hung out... and a couple days before xmas we considered each other as bf/gf.

On my return... we kept the same enthusiastic chats and enjoyed it very much. I ended up coming back 6 months later for the summer.... and I've also arranged that I was studying (in English) in the same country... being now much closer to her. I took this as all a sign from above... and everything fell into place. We ended up seeing each other every 2nd weekend( I know, not often.. but the best we could do with school and work), as well as chatting up online often.

That basically summed up how our relationship began...

 

However, once we were together... we were our first for nearly everything. You can imagine in what ways... and we were together for 3 and a half years. We learned a lot from each other... and we loved one another. She eventually said she loved me and I knew she meant it. We NEVER fought, nor have we ever used any cursewords or said anything mean about one another. We joked a lot... talked in our "special language" and had fun. I enjoyed her company and companionship as much as she did mine. I'm going to try to shorten this already long story up.... but because I appreciated her so much for being my best friend... I unintentionally treated her just as that... and not as a girlfriend. I was not very romantic, but did show it once in a while where I'd have a nice dinner set up when she came to visit me. Or we walked to the park and had a drink.... but I could have been more. I only realized it after the break up how I really was treating her.

 

Roughly 3 weeks ago.. I was chatting with her after she did not have internet for 2 weeks. She asked me, do I feel something when I talk with her? I said what do you mean? I enjoy talking with you.. and love you. Well, she said that she is not feeling that love from me... and that she was hurting in the relationship because of that. She didn't like my ways (which I only realized what kind of person I was after the break up) that I didn't shower her with little gifts, making her feel special at times, and so on. She's a very hard person... meaning that she can take a lot... and I never realized that she could be so sensitive to these sort of issues. I really felt bad... and I started calling her up with appologies... made frequent trips to see her and so on to get my message across that I saw where I screwed up. We never had a real fight... but she said that when she wanted to talk about problems that we never did. I unfortunately didn't even see that problem.... and never thought it would lead on to something like this. Had I known, I would have done changes as I would have realized how my partener is feeling because of me. I asked her if she loves me... and she said that she can't say that. However, unlike her previous boyfriends... she did not totally break total contact with me. She even said she saw changes in me after the break up... and didn't expect to even see these changes in me. Had I known that she required frequent attention/signs of love... I would have done so. I unfortunately treated her more like my best friend that I could trust with everything. I asked for a chance to show the side of me that she wished to see earlier. However, she said that at this time she can't get herself to allow such a thing. Another thing that I noticed is.... a week before the break up, she sent me a message saying she's going bowling with couple friends from class. (we told each other EVERYTHING and never once lied about what we were doing). I said thats fine as I am not a person to control her moves and decisions. I trusted her... and she trusted me. Turns out... that this friend is the person that she's seeing now. Not even a week went by, when I noticed away messages on her chat program directed to him in a manner that would be more than just friends. I asked her... is he a friend? She said yes... a very good one and that she feels good around him. Another week later... the away messages advance to a "I love you, too...kitty". "Kitty" is what they now call each other apparently. I asked her if she really loves him.... and she said that she wouldn't say "love" but she likes him a lot. At that point I was devastated.... not only has a short time went by after the break up that she's writing all this, but the fact that when she broke up with me after all these years and fond memories... she didn't even shed a tear. I even asked her, do you think its strange that you were able to break up with me after all these years and not shed a tear? She admitted that it was strange. The following week I asked her out for some ice cream so we can discuss some more. While doing so, making my points... appologizing for not treating her the way I should have... reminding her how much we meant for one another... she was listening to me while writing test messages to the new friend of hers about the hand bag she just purchased. That sort of annoyed me... but what could have I done. I even let her know that I didn't think it was nice that while I was telling her things that were lying my heart.... that she casually text messaged her friend.

The following weekend I came down and I asked if she would go on a walk with me.... and she agreed. We went on a 2 hour walk... down areas where we once were when we first met 7 years ago. I pointed to places where funny things happened to us, where I first realized I love her... where we rode bikes... etc. She even laughed at some of the stories.. and we had a good time during this walk. However, she was still text messaging her friend during the walk.

Later on, she drove me to the train station(she offered) and I gave her a quick goodbye hug... eventhough deep down inside I wanted to sneak a kiss. I just couldn't. I sent her a message saying thanks for the walk... and the ride to the train station. She later replies saying she enjoyed the walk and the memories I reminded her of.

Next morning I woke up early... and noticed her online, too. I asked her how she's feeling and she says great. I noticed the "I love you" note directed towards her friend and it made me ask her.... don't you think that its too soon to say things like that to another person so soon after a break up? To which she had no real reply but that she feels good around him. She even said something that really hurt me.... that she didn't think that our relationship was infact a relationship..... that I simply was just "there". That comment really angered me as we were together for so long, where we both loved each other... cared for each other.... adored one another... and then I get a comment saying that we didn't really have a relationship after all. After that comment.. I sent her an email saying I was heartbroken to hear this... and that all the memories we had meant nothing to her anymore. The fact that she broke up with me and not showed any emotions tells me how much I really meant to her. The fact that she replaced me with someone else essentially during the same week she broke up with me also tells me something. That I realized my mistakes during the relationship.... and also acted on fixing them.... that it doesn't really mean anything to her. I later get a reply from her saying that I may have interperted wrong... that she didn't consider that we had a relationship during the past few months prior to the break up. However I told her that I am at the biggest/hardest part of my studies (middle of dental school) and that I've had a lot of stress that took all my energy away. The email also said... unfortunately thats how my life turned out, I'm sorry that I didn't give you the chance to show your better side.... evethough I wanted to. I simply couldn't. It hurts me that I hurt you... and I wasted too much time to not have fun at this point of time. I feel like I'm living... I hope you feel the same. Those were the summary points in the email she sent back. Well, I decided from that point to totally ignore her... but not making it official. When she writes me a message... that I write back that I'm busy/have no time. Yesterday was my birthday for example.... she sent me a message asking that if I have time, to let her know. I really had a bad day on my birthday... so I replied saying just that.... that I had a hard/bad day and that I won't have time today. An hour later I get a message back saying "oh, I only wanted maybe 2 minutes of your time... but if you don't want to, then I just wanted to say happy birthday!". I replied late at night saying "thank you and good night". Since then.... I have not had any contact with her. Its very hard.... I want to know if she truely does not love me anymore as it is all too sudden. I lost my best friend, the person I trusted the most with everything and my girlfriend who I thought one day will be my wife. I am planning on continuing of not returning phone calls/messages in the future but I'm tempted. I read what some people here did..... that "NC" is the best way to deal with with this issue. That maybe she'll realize that she does in fact love me and miss me.... but only when she realizes that I'm not there anymore. There never was a point in the last 3 and half years that we didn't know what the other person was doing. I don't know if she'll feel like she's missing me. I hope we can work it out again.... as she was such a valuable person in my life. But after the comments she made... and her actions.... I'm being hesitant on how to accept her back.

 

Another point I think is important that I have not mentioned:

 

Her parents, especially her mom are close to me. I told her mom what happened and she's shocked. Her mom is also on my side on many issues and is actually supporting me when there's something between me and my ex. My ex was even angry at her mom and myself recently when her mom told her (I was not present) that she should stop being immature and give him a chance. I call her mom from time to time... even did so yesterday on my birthday as I had a rough day and needed someone to talk to. She's like a 2nd mom to me and I appreciate her a lot. She was never the same way to the other guys or My ex's ex-bf's who she never liked or treated with respect.

 

Thanks for letting me write out my story/emotions..... in a way its therapy, in another its a way to hope for answers. Being heart broken by a person you trusted 10000% is one of the worst feelings ever:sick:

[funkybassplayer]

I know this is hard but i think that she finished with you long before she did in the relationship, and i think that you have to let her go. doing the no contact is only really to heal yourself,so you can get over the loss of your girlfriend, and it does help you to come to terms with what has happened, and to think about how to better yourself too. It sounds that you did all the right things, and she does sound a little inscure.N/c does have the effect that she may miss you, but that does'nt mean she will be back. I think she would love you as a friend, but thats not what you want. I think that she want's to spread her wings in life, and maybe you should let her fly away.

 

Talking to her parents is not a good thing, as its between you and her, and her mum has not got anything to do with it. If your not going to talk with her, then dont talk to her mom, as this will make you look weak and silly, as you cant cut that tie. Your in the relationship with her not her mum! Anyway, i think let her go, she doesn't want you as a boyfriend, and if you cant be a friend to her without it messing you up, then cut all contact, and dont even be polite in saying im busy. Anyway, you do what you think is right, but that' s my point of veiw. Cheers.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Totally understand your reply.... but her action I think was totally unexpected. She broke up with me on May 22nd, and a month earlier she was saying how much she loved me and it was so sincere. Not a monotone-voiced "I love you" but a passionate one.

 

Regarding her mom...at the begining, I would talk to her about my ex. I see us all as a family and she treated me as a family member, too. I then realized that its nothing that she can do... but I do continue to keep in touch with her mom about things unrelated to my ex.

 

Can a girl really love you for so many years, then abandon ship and continue a happy life right after breaking up? I'm shocked and hurt, but it opened my eyes that I can't trust a woman with everything EVEN if we were together for so many years.

 

I don't talk to her online anymore for the past few days, ignoring her... but when I get online... I sign in under "unseen" and I can see her away messages. She'd say things like "I love you more than life itself" and other lines similar to those directed to her friend. By now, I don't know if they'd be considered bf/gf... but since I know she's going to have him over on Saturday... I guess they are. She REALLY hurt me... and really made me suffer... more than the suffering she claims she went through with me. I'm not a bad guy.... I just screwed up by treating her too much like a best friend and not as much as a lover. Perhaps whats she's saying/writing to him is a temporary "love" that she thinks she has.... as its something "new" she hasn't seen in so many years. Then one day she'll notice that the people that were really closest to her are gone... she'll regret it. I didn't mention that she broke contact with a close friend (guy) at the same time she broke up with me. Eventhough I liked him at the begining since he was a good friend to her... I later got the impression and the verified by my ex that he tried to get with her. This probably caused her to terminate the relationship with him. She's seeing new people... and wants to make up for lost time as she's saying it. Well... I'm not going to be a toy for her to be put on the shelf that she can play with again once she's bored with her friend. I'd like to simply have her crawl back to me just so I can make HER feel what I'm feeling:sick:

[funkybassplayer]

Mate, im 41 my ex 35, 3 months ago she wanted me to sell my house, and move up there with her and the 3 kids. I wanted to, but she had too many issues. Two months ago she told me she loved me, on our last night together she was stroking my arms and looking into my eyes. Now shes with a new guy, who is all but moved in, and i cant even say hi to the kids that i love! WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT ITS IMPOSIBLE TO TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT! so dont!. i tryed for a while to have contact as i miss them all, but i realised it was hurting me. She told me a terrible lie to keep me as a friend after she dumped me, and then as soon as the new guy turned up, no contact was allowed. I cant tell you how hurt i was. I lost a family. But i put all her stuff in a package, sent it back, and walked away. That was the bast thing that i could have done. It showed strenth, love in that your letting them go, and self respect. You can never move forward if you wish harm because they hurt you. We all get hurt, but we have to move on. Thats the difference in a good guy and a prat. Dont live in the past and get revenge. She wont come back to you ever with the attiude that you have, and may mess up any chance of a future friendship. I think you should not read her messages,

 

1) they have nothing to do with you, and if she says she's in love then maybe she is. you dont have any right to what she's up to now. You got to be the man, and walk away.

 

2) reading her messages is messing up your head! I swear you will go nuts.

 

Really for you, not for no one else, walk away with your head held high, otherwise if you look at her private stuff, start telling her what she is feeling, and questioning her private life, you are going to get really hurt!

[HeartBrokenInPL]

So I'm going on my 3rd day with total NC. Its hard as I still love her, but in the same time feel so betrayed. Last time I had any contact with her was when she sent me a text message asking for a few minutes of my time( I knew she wanted to say happy b-day to me) and I replied saying I was busy. She sent me a text message and I replied several hours later at night "thank you and good night". Since then... absolutely no contact.

 

I sign on under "unseen" on the chat program ( I chat with one other lady friend of mine who's in the same situation as me) and I see my ex there from time to time.... with messages directed towards her "friend" in a flirtatious way. It stings when I see them. My ex and I had such a good trust/bond that we knew everythign about each other... even passwords. I have a confession to say that I was so curious that I did something that was not considered cool.... check her emails. I found several emails to her friend, and they all started just before the break up. After the break up, the emails progressed to "I love you's" and most were just mp3/picture file swapping emails with little to no comments. I noticed she has all my emails still saved, too. I feel really guilty for invading her privacy... and told myself not to do it again.

 

I have still a very close bond to her mother... who I see as my 2nd mother. After the break up, I broke down to her... saying I hope you don't view me as a stranger now since my ex broke up with me. She said not to worry... that things will be all right and that she's got faith in things working out. I told her I hope things improve... but I have to leave her alone and I'm not going to contact her. That if I'd like to stop by for tea/coffee... that we'd have to do it at the garden home.... not home where I may run into my ex.

At the end of the month.. I am flying back to the US for some testings/work/vacation, and won't be back until the end of September. I have a car in Europe which I can't simply leave for all this time unattended/unused. My ex used to take care of my car... and even last year did a surprise car wash for me with a smile. This year will be different... as I would like to give the keys to her mother. Unfortunately no one in my small family drives... so I have no choice. I don't trust my childhood friends either as several of them have had accidents this year, including drunk driving. So thats out of the question.

 

Would a girl who was truely in love with you, but has gone through a moment (3 months or so) where she didn't feel loved or loved enough... but was with you for 3 and a half years simply be able to break up with you without shedding a tear, break contact 100% with another guy-friend at the same time, and be able to start a new relationship so soon and continue with her life as if nothing happened? She told me she doesn't regret her decisions... is currently happy and that she "wasted too much time to not have fun" at the moment. This wa a girl who I viewed as being mature compared to the other girls I know.... and all of the sudden those words made me view her as immature. What I did wrong in the relationship I realized.... and changed my thinking on how I was treating her. She saw the change after the break up.... but said she couldn't give me a chance at present time. I asked if there's a possibility of working it out together again in the future.... and she said she's not thinking of the future.... and can't say yes or no. Several days later when I was talking with her online... I touched the subject of our relationship in which she said she wouldn't consider what we had as a relationship... but me just "being there". That part hurt me a lot... to a point where I wrote her a farewell letter and told her that part hurt me more than the news of the break up. She later sent me a letter back saying she didn't regret her decisions... that she "meant" to say that we didn't have a real relationship in the last couple of months... that she's having fun now and told me "you do the same". Since then..... I am at total NC, but suffering.

 

any advice?

[funkybassplayer]

Do your self a favor, dont read her emails, she's told you how she feels, now you have to let her go, and it will in time get better, but each time you look at an email or whatever you are just punishing yourself. Try to take back control of your life.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

I will stop trying to see her online... eventhough there's temptation. I won't read any of her emails or do what I did... as it is self-torture. I understand all that.... but one thing I can't seem to cope is how could someone quickly and so soon start a new relationship when at first it sounded like we needed time-off between us. Now it appears to be a relationship..... I'm totally devistated by it. Do you think this could be a rebound relationship for her so she could "feel" loved when she didn't feel it from me the couple months prior to the break up? I just think things are moving WAY too fast.

[funkybassplayer]

I know how you feel about that point. my ex did the same, and today im having a really bad day, missing them all(kids too) My ex like your s got into a relationship a week after we split, i worked my butt off for that family for nearly 2 years, and she just walks into something else, and we site here devistated. What ever the reoson, weather they are insecure, and cant be alone, or dont like themselves enough, its something i think that we will never know, and trying to figure it out is just more tourcher for us! If you leave them be, and there relationship turns crap, then they may look back to us, but i suspect only as a friend, and then it will be for us to decide to pursue or not, btu the way im thinking now is she's happy and i have no part in her life anymore. It huts like hell, but at the end of the day, i cant do anything that will change that. If you try to keep contact, we are in the way, if we dont, then they know that we respect them, and ourselves and that will do wonders for any future contact that we may one day have. I dont want to be remmeberd as the grovling crying fool, i want to be remembered that i love them all and would always be there for them, but have the strenth and dignity to walk away, for her, and for me.

 

Thats what you have to try to do,, is be strong, for you and her. We love our ex's they dont us, there is nothing that we cann do but hold up our heads in the pain that we are in and let them go. She will love you for it, and you will love yourself after the pain starts too ease.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Very interesting turn of events I discovered today. Sounds almost unbelievable... because its so soon. The break up with me was announced exactly a month ago... and total NC has been in affect now for 1 week.

 

Today I was tempted and saw her email account.... and checked her sent message. I did not know who she was sending it to to, but the email contained a chat conversation she had with this new "friend" of hers.

 

In the long chat dialogue she copied and pasted from her chat program, I realized that the guy has decided to break it off between them. She is obviously hurt by this change of even... and he writes her that he doesn't think he's worth it for her, that he's stupid, etc. Sounds like a child's relationship conversation... talking about raw emoitions, etc. Then in another message a few hours later, the only remaining close friend of my Ex's sends a nasty message to him saying.. how could he do this to her, do you realize she broke contacts for you, I called her up and she answered the phone in tears, etc, etc. HE copies that message and includes it into the conversation he's having with my ex. My Ex appologizes to him for her friend's message. He then says that the conversation is not going anywhere... that he's going to bed and said good night. She in return says the same and is hurt.

 

She's currentyl experiencing EXACTLY the same feelings that I was having EXACTLY one month ago. Talk about Karma, huh?

 

Funny thing is, I am going down to my family this Saturday for the last time before I leave this area for home for 3 months. I had planned to leave my car keys and car in attendance with my Ex's mom... but to avoid all contact with my Ex. So I'm doing all this away from her view. Mind you... my relationship with my Ex's mom is very good and I don't see why I should ignore her just for the simple fact that my Ex screwed up. What I have planned is, say the worst case scenario occurs that I bump into my Ex, that I would tell my Ex's mom that I was going to drop my car keys off later with her and that I will be going into town for a beer with a female friend. (Just an FYI.. that part is true as I talked to a friend I've known for a long time which I haven't seen in a while... and agreed to go for a beer in town). I will stay cool, look like I've moved on for good, talking normally and making no contact whatsoever with my Ex as I leave. I bet that would hit her hard... and perhaps open her eyes. I would like to see if she will infact realize that she f/ucked up. The difference between myself and her is that I saw with what I screwed up and have made changes to not repeat that. I will not and currently after one month of constant thinking can't accept myself to give her a chance back. I can't say I won't give her the chance.... but I'd like to "teach her a lesson"... "tough love" if you will that she should have appreciated me, understood me better like she has been until say the last 6 months. If I see the changes... I will giver HER the chance... but later down the line. Nothing too soon.... as it defeats the whole purpose I think and makes her not appreciate me as much becuase it will allow her to think that I'm too easy for her to get.

 

I can say that today is the first time I've actually felt "better" about the break up. The news today I read made me feel better... knowing that she's feeling now what I've felt for the last month. Hopefully this feeling she'll realize is what I was feeling... and she'll be mature enough one day to realize she screwed up much more than I did in this relationship. I just hope for now that the news I read remains true. But even if it doesn't... then after an occurance such as this one so early into the new relationship tells me that this relationship is going to be doomed. She put everything on the table for a gamble.... and looks like she lucked out. Wonder now if she'll come back home crying...

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Well well well.... to even add more to this recent "event", she's sent me an EMAIL! 7 days into NC.. and she breaks NC.

 

The email I will translate into English says...

 

"Hey! whats up? How did your exams go? I'm afraid to write anything to you, because of this quieteness I'm not writing. I'm after my exams and am working day by day."

 

So far I' have not written anything. I assume the best way to deal with this is still NC? Any advice? I am going to visit my family this saturday, who live in the same apartment building as she does. Need advice!

[funkybassplayer]

Well i would think cos her relationship has gone crap shes back and is giving you the doormattreatment! remember what she said to you b4, well stay in no contact, unless you can handle being a dorrmat till the next guy!

[HeartBrokenInPL]

I'm not a doormat... nor will I be treated as one. I told myself this.... and one thing I learned the most is that a person can't trust a woman except for your own mother. I had so much faith, trust and belief in her from the begining because we were best friends before we actually had a relationship. Now, those things are gone, perhaps not permanently... but I have to see first-hand that she's doing whatever she has to regain my trust. I don't belief in things working out emmedietly after something like this. I'm a pessimist by nature... always trying to prepare for the worst.... but that by itself is an unhealthy lifestyle. Perhaps this whole thing will now give her "free time" which she told me in the begining is what was needed. But she decided to get into another relationship just after breaking up. I sent her an email then saying her actions showed me how much I really meant to her. Since then I had no contact.

 

Its funny.. you have everything that one may want in life one month.... then suddenly it disappears. I was her 3rd boyfriend... but I would say first REALLY serious boyfriend who she did all sorts of things with. I was also the longest of the 3 in relationships. Then after one month together... he lets her know that she's just too good for him, that she doesn't deserve a guy like him... that he can't change himself. Funny thing is he mentioned to her... you can find happiness not with me, but with the people you left. Go to your friend or to the "whats his name" you left after knowing him for 4 years.

 

Now, as I sign on "annonymously" so she never knows whether I'm on or not... I noticed her messages where she would have "I love you, too" replaced with "I had everything, now I have nothing.... God why? ".

She had a bit of her own medicine.... but I think its exactly what she needed. In the past relationships.... she is the one that did the break ups. This is probably her first time feeling the pain of being rejected by someone who she loved. Perhaps this will open her eyes up.... see that I wasn't that bad afterall. I learned from my mistake which was not making her feel loved enough. But she needs to learn from her mistake and know what TRUST and LOVE really means. She's in my eyes immature at the moment... but I still enjoy talking with her mother. I will be around my ex... mostly because of her cat that we together "adopted" since a neighbor who moved abandoned it. Also because I have good conversations with her mother as she's understanding and down-to-earth. I see my ex as needing TOUGH LOVE... but I don't want to be the one with the weakness in my heart. I have to remember that SHE is the one who broke it off... SHE is the one who hurt me.... and only SHE can try to make things right again.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Anyone else have any comments/suggestions/tips for me? I appreciate BassPlayer's input... they add strength, but would also like to see what other says.. especially females.

 

I am driving down there to see my family tomorrow. As mentioned, I'll be seeing my ex's mom for coffee and small chat. Nothing hopefully to do with the ex. I won't be seeing her... or atleast I hope so. However, what should I do if she see's me? I think the guy she was in love with and for who she broke up with me for (didn't really tell it to me like this... but thats what I gathered) has told her that she's too good for him and that she won't find happiness with him. Meaning, he broke up with her. This is now a month exactly since she broke up with me. Far too soon for me to even CONSIDER getting back to her.. but still have feelings for her. Again, she sent me an email yesterday asking me how did my exams go and that she's afraid to write because of the "silence" between us now. I'm not going to be a door mat... but I would like her to actually feel what she missed out on and make her feel bad for leaving her best friend(me) of 7 years and bf of 3 and half years for another guy which she felt good for only a month before HE broke it off. Not only did she lose me... she also lost another friend(guy) at the same time as me.... and she now only has a female friend to talk to. She broke contact with everyone... which I think has turned out to be a HUGE mistake by her. Eventhough she told me recently that she gave it some thought... and believes she did the right decision(this was written before he broke up with her).

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Well... I was hoping for some more guidance/oppinions.

Anyways, I'm over at my family's place. I parked my car in my usual spot as if nothing has happened. The usual spot is essentially in an area where my ex can see me and usually hear me when I unlock/lock the car. I was in a good mood... and had my new cd playing in the car so I was "feeling it" so to speak as I drove up to park my car. I made no look in the general direction of her place and didn't look to see if she was in the window looking at me or not. Didn't even care, to tell you the truth. I unloaded my stuff and went to my place.

 

A few hours later, I called her home.. hoping it would be her mother that would answer the phone. Unfortunately, my ex answered. So with my "happy/sincere" voice... i said "Hi, is your mom available?" She checked and said no, she's probably outside. (her tone sounded similar to mine). So I thanked her and got off the phone. Half hour later I called again and she again answered. This time her tone of voice was neutral... but I did not literally talk to her. I simply asked 1 question and got off the phone immedietly.... and I was not being an ass about it either.

 

I walked outside and saw her mom. I had a small chat with her... Hi, how are you... weather is warm, etc. Then she asked me how did my exams go. I told her the truth... didn't go well, but I'll have chances in retaking it at a later date. I asked her if we could have coffee/drink today... and she said sure, to come over her house. I declined saying that at present time I don't want to be around my ex in anyway. she understood and told me that she's leaving at 5PM today somewhere. So she said to come around then. i told her mom that I am going to be busy.. meeting someone in town(unfortunately plans changed) and that I will be back later. I'm still planning on going there for chat. Have things to discuss other than my ex, though.

 

Did I screw anything up from the sound of it? I literally "broke NC" since I said "Hi, is your mom home?" to my Ex... after 8 days of complete NC and no reply to her email which she sent me 2 days ago.

 

Right now I'm going to town to enjoy my time.

 

Oppinions/comments/suggestions always appreciated

[funkybassplayer]

since your there why not just chat to her, at least you will know whats going on, just dont get hurt and be cool. I would love the chance, truth be told to talk to my ex, and i have been hurting myself last 2 days over her, and fighting the urge to send a text, but shes in anew relationship, and i have to be strong. if its to be then it is to be. Maybe talk with her if she will then you can get your peace, thats what we all want, is just to be happy and back to ourselves with or without our ex's. Today i have to set off for a wedding that im playing at. its hard to put on a happy frount when your feeling gutted. Maybe you have the chance to be friends or more, maybe you should try but the downside can be very sore, so do what your heart tells you and you will not go wrong..................at worst you tried. if you do though, be cool, and dont be mad with her. Im not as tough as i sound, i wish i was, but im really missing her and the family.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

I don't know... since SHE is the one that broke up with me.

 

She told me that she wasn't feeling that she was loved by me, and that I was not treating her the way someone would treat their girlfriend. That she was "suffering" in this relationship. We never had a talk like this before in the last 3 and half years... and it came only during her break up. As soon as she broke up, she told me to smile... that she feels releaved and happy. Next thing I know she's leaving "I love you"'s on interenet messages to this other guy. A few days ago he allegedly told her that she wont find happiness with him... today she's still with him I think... writing "I love you's" etc. She moved on really easily.

 

Yesterday evening I had a hell of a day.. totally wild. I decided to go into town to shop and keep myself occupied/happy. On my way back, my car for the first time left me stranded on a busy intersection in town. I'm thinking how much worse can things get in the last month and a half... and literally was not as stressed out as I would have been say a few months ago. Not knowing who to call... I called my ex's mom for help. She couldn't as my ex took the car, so she was calling around for me. Next thing a passerby who turned out to be a mechanic came and using tape, a piece of plastic pipe was able to get the car going once again. It was a funny moment. I drive back home, see my ex's mom and told her the situation. We had a chat about all sorts of things until someone called and told her there's a "village festival" someplace and they should go. Without even discussing it with me, she told me to be the designated driver. I was floored... but I had nothing else to do and didn't think it was anything thats going to last too long. well.. I was wrong.

I ended up taking care of my drunk ex's mom and her friend(younger lady, but older than me). They would call me over to the table(as I was trying to see if there were any nice looking ladies there) and she introduce me as the "son-in-law" to several people. This part annoyed me as it reminded me what my ex is currently doing. I tried to politely change the topic... but it stayed. He friend told me, don't worry.. I see you 2 getting back together. Then the ex's mom says why am I not trying to hard? This comment sort of angered me but she was drunk, so I know she wasn't fully thinking. I told her the truth though, that it was my ex's decision.. she threw me out of her life and is currently someone else's girl. I ended that discussion at that and left. Later on I came back to take the 2 ladies home. I opened the door for my ex's mom, and when she went in.. I left.

 

Very unsual night... never saw my ex's mom drunk nor was I ever put in a situation like this before.

 

Today is the last day I'm in town before I head back home. I plan on turning my car keys in and taking the train home. I doubt my ex would offer me a ride to the station... and if she did I would politely turn it down. After 7 years of being close, and 3 1/2 years together.. she drops me for a guy she began having feelings for maybe 3 months ago tells me that I wasn't really anything special to her. I learned from my mistakes, appologized for it, but was not given a chance to show it. I'm a straight forward, down-to-earth, no playing games type of person... and she won't appreciate what I've done. I like to plan things for the future, but my ex's personality now is "present time only". My lady friends all like me, tell me that I'm very good looking and that the type of behaviour towards relationships that I have resembles someone who's 10 years older. Since I've learned that I can't trust even the closest people, it will be very hard for me to get back to my ex at the moment as that was the biggest thing i could lose in someone. Even friends you can trust, which is something that is strange for me because it means that my ex is not really my friend either.

[funkybassplayer]

Oh mt god mate, you dont need to be driving around your ex's mum........come on, thats not a mans place! After reading that last post...........Tell them all to get bent!!! Sorry but i think that your good nature is being used like a mug by her mum, and you really deep down cant be enjoying it! and yes she likes your company, but you dont need the grief of always being reminded of the ex. I say once its over with the girl friend, its over with her family and friends too. Its the only way to stop punishing yourself, and i had a lapse day yeasterday, but feel stronger again, and i did send my ex an email, but very buissness like regarding a cheque i owe her. no slush stuff here! iv got a date soon, so not holding hopes but see how it goes. It s a blind one!!! Ahhhhhhhh

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Hi Funky... hope things are better with you. I'm feeling a bit stronger, but feel far from being 100%.

 

Anyways, here's the update. About half hour before I was set to leave for the trainstation to get back home.. I went over to my ex's place to see the mom. The mom opened the door and I cheerfully greeted her and reminded her why I was there(to drop off my car keys/documents). She invited me in to the home and I went straight to the kitchen and sat at the table with her. Funny thing is, on the way to the kitchen (in the hallway) is my ex's room which was open. I quickly ignored that fact and walked straight passed her room without making any aknowledgement that she was there. In the kitchen, I thanked the ex's mom for agreeing to take my stuff for the time being and continued with normal talks. Told her what I had to do before leaving, asked her how she was feeling after that festival, etc etc. I wasn't sure if my ex was home or not, because I did not see/hear her as I went straight to the kitchen. Normally she would have music playing but I didn't hear it. I wanted to see the cat that at one point my Ex and I took in after it was abandoned. It wasn't home, so I asked quietly if the Ex was home and she said yes... to go see her. I politely refused, making nods saying no as I did not want to say it out loud. After I was done talking, I headed back out and was putting on my shoes. As I was just a foot away from her door and it was open... I saw her lying on her bed with the laptop. I said "bye" with a nice positive tone and smiled as I left. As I did not stay there long enough to see her reaction, it seemed to me that she was a little sad, but she said bye and waved back at me. I left her home without saying anything else and that was it.

 

Seeing the messages being left on the chat program, I am guessing that she's still with the guy eventhough a few days ago he made it sound like he broke up with her because she was "too good" for him. A real stupid excuse, but the past month and a half has been "stupid".

 

I wasn't emotional about not getting to give her a hug before I leave... knowing I won't see her for atleast 3 months. I was able to show myself as being happy and normal. I'm proud of myself for that. Its unfortunate for me that the person I knew for the past 7 years has changed within the past several months to a whole new person. I'm sorry that I made her "Suffer" as she told me. Wish I could have seen the warning signs better earlier. However, I have learned many things from this whole ordeal.... trust is not to be taken for granted by ANYONE no matter how much you think you know them. A woman can tell you "I love you" one minute for so many years, and leave you for another man and tell them she loves them more the next. True friends won't put you in the situation where your heart is crushed, they will be there with you even in the lowest points in your life. Although my ex was with me during other low points of my life, this time I felt like it was the lowest as I lost what seemed to be everything.

 

I've learned from my mistakes. I became a better, more understanding individual and would say even more mature. Female friends of mine who are in their late 20's tell me that my behavior recently is equivalent to that of a guy in his 30's. Don't know if thats a good thing, but I do know that I don't have the appearance of a guy in his 30's:p. I tried to convince my ex that I was sincere, but she wasn't able to grasp it... that I could have changed. She said she believed me... but doesn't "believe" me as she wouldn't give me the chance at the time I asked. I'm a fair/honest individual.... many female friends say I'm very good looking.. I am educated (2 more years until I am a dentist).. have a heart.. funny and creative.... and I believe someone out there would appreciate me more than my ex does at current time. Hopefully I will find that person who would treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

[funkybassplayer]

Well done, its hard to keep your respect when your heart is in peices. Good job. its still not great to look at the messages, just leave them to it! You did what you could, dont ever thing you made her feel crap, thats crap. All relationships have good and bad. I feel so good today! whent on a train to mums, and got 3 lovely smils from 3 lovely looking babes, great therepy! and for the first time i feel like im done with the ex. I feel that i have through hard pain, not made a dick of myself and showed respect to me and her. Like you in the end, although they dumped us (but i did her 2 months b4) we walked away with pride. Like you, my ex can always contact me, but i just want to be a mate, as i do miss her as a person, but not in the relationship. I really think let that sucker have her, im gonna get someone younger, and a non selfish little babe, when the time is right. The same problems i had with her will come back, and thats because she doe'nt love herself. Thats what we get by being strong, respect and love for ourselfs, and thats what makes us attractive! Just leave her to it now, i think if she does come back it will only be untill she gets someone else, so just chill for now and think of you. I feel inside that my ex is not happy cos she knows im moving on.....i just feel it.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

I don't know how to proceed, or try to get things to work again in the future. Right now, I'm trying hard to forget about my ex... and since doing NC, its been going well. She's still with that new guy... and she's in love with him apparently and so is he. Its tough on me since there was a time not too long ago that we were in love with each other, a time with less stress and work between us. Now that time has ended and I'm left out of her life. We never fought or argued... even after the break up. Just her behavior towards me at the end changed.... to one where I wasn't as important to her anymore.

 

I won't be seeing her now for atleast 3 months if not more... but don't know when is the appropriate time to go try see her again and try to be friends. Currently I am showing myself as a happy, down-to-earth guy... in face of the fact that I was recently emotionally crushed by the person I trusted and loved the most with my entire heart. I think, that if I were to show myself as an emotional, sad individual over the whole break up... that it won't change her mind at all. Especially with the fact she's enjoying this new relationship. I'm chatting with friends online and leave happy messages publically and pretent as if this break up hasn't affected me totally anymore. However, it has.. and I think about it either fully or subconciously all the time.

 

How would I go on about in the future breaking the "silence" and be that person in the begining when we became bf/gf. Should I be her friend and try to work things out from that point.... or me trying to be her friend will lead me to simply just be that, and nothing more? I remember her telling me how she was looking at me all the time when I was with the other girls (before we were bf/gf) while she was with her guy. She had feelings for me for a while... and she told her bf's back then about it which they obviously weren't happy about. I however never flirted with her and treated her as a good friend and nothing more.

 

I would like to see other women at current time, but don't think I can start anything serious with anyone. Infact, I would like to eventually get back with my ex some day... but don't know how to try. So any oppinions/suggestions would help me have a better understanding of my situation.

[funkybassplayer]

I know how you feel,, everything that happened to you happened to me. Freinds right now is impossible 1) because thay are with someone and 2) because you are like me emotionally attached, so any little thing will hurt. So what we do is go into this no contact,, where we heal ourselves, and in time, if we wnat to se if we can start a friendship, then we have to be free of emotion, so if they say im married with a kid, we say cool! and thats that. thats what happens at the end a freindship if its possible. Let the water flow under the bridge, live day by day at the moment and do whats good for you, be it crying, going out whatever. i found for me, i just stayed home for about 6 weeks, and let all my emotions flow when they needed to, and it helped, going out just to gig or shop etc. its a sad thing, but its one that we have no control over when a relationship finishes. The only control we have is our lives and our actions, and the right ones will help us to heal, and forgive. I think when your free of anger and hurt, thats when you are moving on. Im getting there slowley. Im not angry anymore, but well nothing i guess, jsut sadness but nothing like it was 3 weeks ago.