Sun_Conure Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 My ex and I broke up almost 2 years ago. We remained friends all that time and sometimes fwb. Many things happended too: he dated, I dated, it did not work out. His last relationship was month and a half. They began to argue on the third week of dating. Since that time, he started calling me a lot. I know, he wanted to complain, although he did not really say too much about his situation. That continued for a while, then he began to tell me that he missed me, had feelings for me, cared for me, etc. I did not believe that because he was miserable and felt lonely. He told me recently that he was lonely even when he was with that girl. Anyway, last week they broke up. Before ending it he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I said, "I do not know but in current situation definitely no." He called me right after the break up. We talked and he said that he wanted to get back together with me, that he was thinking about it for a while now. Well, I said that I was not sure. However, we agreed to start it from scratch. To forget about everything bad that happened, and to start dating occasionally for a while and if that works to move to exclusive relationship. He also said that he was not going to date anyone else, just me. But our dates will not happen too often because he wants to take it slow. I quite agree about that. He definitely needs to go through the post break up drama, etc. But what does it mean to take it slow? What should I expect? How should I treat him? He is not exactly my bf right now, so what should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 Take it slow means not exclusive. You know what, healthy, mature relationship between two people are not and should not be turned into some mysterious dance where one of the party has no idea what on earth is going on. If there is reason for doubt and confusion then there can be no foundation for a relationship. Dont kid yourself if he is genuinely attracted to you and if he was well balanced then he would have absolutely no doubt that he wanted an exclusive relationship with you. Dont devalue yourself by tolerating his hangups! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted May 14, 2007 Author Share Posted May 14, 2007 Hmm, I understand what you mean about non exclusivity. The thing is I am not sure if I want to be exclusive with him right now. I am seeing another guy and want to continue seeing him for a while, before I make my decision with whom I want to be. Also my ex promised that he would not date other girls. He tried to date me and another girl several months before. When I found out that he went on a date, I left. So he knows that if he does that again, I will leave again and that would be the last time. Additionally, he just broke up. I think he needs time to be alone, not to dive into another serious relationship. Oh, what to do what to do what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 Im in a similar situation! Me and my ex broke up at christmas, and weve been seing each other lately! We have said we are takin things slowly, and i think that that is the only way to do it. If you have already been in a relationship with someone, then there is only so much from scratch you can start from!!! Takin it slow is good but there is a difference between takin stuff slow and things bein casual.......you need to work out what slow actually means to your relationship!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
krzr Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 you are not exclusive..........???????? u say you are seeing another guy and want to see where that goes as well but if he sees someone else that u will walk? i think that if he is serious and u want to be serious u have to make a decision and try or just let it go but dont string him along until u find out the other guy sux. take it slow just means "feeling it out" trying not to invest too much emotionally too quickly but if it feels right then the pace quickens and visits and hanging out become more frequent. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 You have to start from scratch, all over again. As if you are dating a new person or problems from the past will crop up and you'll regret getting back together. Has he changed? Have you changed? What makes either of you think things will end up differently if nothing has changed? Not saying it hasn't but you both have to have grown and matured for it to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted May 14, 2007 Author Share Posted May 14, 2007 CaliGuy That's what he told me. He wanted to start from scratch, forget and forgive the past hurt and treat each other as if we never dated before sort of thing. I did change a lot. When I met him I was right after my divorce. Moreover, as I got married very young, I did not have to much dating experience. My expectations were unrealistic, I can see that now. Also I brought a lot of baggage from my marriage to that relationship. Now I can see what I did wrong and I did improve a bit. Not sure how much though ... I hope that he also changed. He had some very bad experience lately that made him think about what he was doing and who he was dating. He also reevaluated his prior actions towards me. However, so far I can see that his habits did not change. Not sure I like them. Our communication improved significantly, we are good friends. But it does not mean we will be good together as a couple. It's kind of hard to see his actions without all the pain that I incurred due to his prior actions. It is extermely hard to forgive and forget. I have a question though: what about sex? When I start dating a guy, I do not have sex with him for a long time. That approach seems weird with the ex though. What's the purpose of abstention from sex if we had already had it for such a long time? Oh, I wish I was 12 years old. Sex complicates things for me ... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 CaliGuy That's what he told me. He wanted to start from scratch, forget and forgive the past hurt and treat each other as if we never dated before sort of thing. I did change a lot. When I met him I was right after my divorce. Moreover, as I got married very young, I did not have to much dating experience. My expectations were unrealistic, I can see that now. Also I brought a lot of baggage from my marriage to that relationship. Now I can see what I did wrong and I did improve a bit. Not sure how much though ... I hope that he also changed. He had some very bad experience lately that made him think about what he was doing and who he was dating. He also reevaluated his prior actions towards me. However, so far I can see that his habits did not change. Not sure I like them. Our communication improved significantly, we are good friends. But it does not mean we will be good together as a couple. It's kind of hard to see his actions without all the pain that I incurred due to his prior actions. It is extermely hard to forgive and forget. I have a question though: what about sex? When I start dating a guy, I do not have sex with him for a long time. That approach seems weird with the ex though. What's the purpose of abstention from sex if we had already had it for such a long time? Oh, I wish I was 12 years old. Sex complicates things for me ... Pre-marital sex is never a good idea. Think of it this way. Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? If you're giving it away, he has no reason to shape up. Link to post Share on other sites
AwkwardMan Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 Pre-marital sex is never a good idea. Think of it this way. Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? If you're giving it away, he has no reason to shape up. lol, ridiculous. I for one would never marry a woman I hadn't had sex with. The idea is beyond madness. As for the original poster, I'd stay away from this guy. He's trying to jump ship from a relationship and get back with you. He "cheated" on you last time even though he evidently convinced you that he was just going on other dates. If you were to get back with an ex, it should be because they want a committed relationship. You two know eachother already, he needs to decide what he wants. And in that situation you'd quickly end up intimate again, but with this mess I think you're making a mistake being between the two. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 lol, ridiculous. I for one would never marry a woman I hadn't had sex with. The idea is beyond madness. The idea of sex before marriage is what is madness and it's part of why there are so many failed marriages. Pre-marial sex creates many problems. More than it's worth. If you can't wait for marriage for sex, well, you're having sex for the wrong reasons. Like selfishness, for one. Like giving it to desires that you know, deep down, make things more difficult. Do some research on couples who have sex before marriage and those who don't. You'll find those who don't tend to have longer, happier marriage. The OP said it herself. Pre-marital sex complicates things. And she's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 AwkwardMan The situation is more complicated then that. But I am still thinking if I want to have sex with him while this not committed thing is happening. I decided to give it a month and see what he is up to. After that month I will reconsider my decision. And I am going to continue dating that other guy. CaliGuy Regarding sex before marriage. I have done sex-after-marriage thing and I left my husband. To have a healthy and successful relationship both parties need to be sure that they are compatible. Compatibility includes sexual compatibility. If you do not have sex prior to marriage, you might end up with a bad unfulfilling relationship and a divorce. Been there, done that, not interested anymore. In this particular situation, I am more concerned if he is interested in more then sex with me. The usual way to find that out is to stop having sex and see if he continues to ask me out. Well, this way does not work with this guy. He seems to use the logic "she did not want me -> thus she did not care about me," which is absolut bs for the majority of people. As I see it, he is probably not healthy enough for me. However, I still want to give it a try. What to do what to do what to do? Actually, right now I am considering if it is worth my trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 AwkwardMan The situation is more complicated then that. But I am still thinking if I want to have sex with him while this not committed thing is happening. I decided to give it a month and see what he is up to. After that month I will reconsider my decision. And I am going to continue dating that other guy. CaliGuy Regarding sex before marriage. I have done sex-after-marriage thing and I left my husband. To have a healthy and successful relationship both parties need to be sure that they are compatible. Compatibility includes sexual compatibility. If you do not have sex prior to marriage, you might end up with a bad unfulfilling relationship and a divorce. Been there, done that, not interested anymore. In this particular situation, I am more concerned if he is interested in more then sex with me. The usual way to find that out is to stop having sex and see if he continues to ask me out. Well, this way does not work with this guy. He seems to use the logic "she did not want me -> thus she did not care about me," which is absolut bs for the majority of people. As I see it, he is probably not healthy enough for me. However, I still want to give it a try. What to do what to do what to do? Actually, right now I am considering if it is worth my trouble. Depends on your beliefs and faith. If you're not of faith then I guess the desires of the flesh will outweigh common sense. It equally does not make sense to have sex then deny it to test someone. Men don't think that way. If you have sex with them and stop as a means to test them, they will equate that you don't love them anymore. As for sex before marriage well, God never intended sex to be a sport. Sex before marriage creates expectations. A lackluster sex life after marriage indicates a breakdown of communication. Anything can be overcome if a husband and wife are willing to communicate and work towards mutual happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 CaliGuy I have read your posts before, and I have never thought you were so religious. Well, I did try to communicate with my ex h ... for 7 years ... however, it did not help. He is just not able to fulfil my sexual needs. That's what I mean by being sexually incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleTouch Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 Of course it could be said that Marriage before sex creates expectations which are equally unhealthy. In my opinion, the mix of marriage and sex has nothing to do with God! Sun_Conure you must do what you believe to be true regarding this latest person however, for sure his behaviour towards you is not healthy or fair. Dont lose sight of that point. If you do the confusion you are currently experiencing will only get worse. Set your boundaries with him and stick by them. If he doesn't step up then you know he isn't genuine and more importantly you know where you stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted May 16, 2007 Author Share Posted May 16, 2007 InvisibleTouch You are right. Thank you. I think your comment is very very helpful. We talked yesterday and I told him that I was not looking for casual stuff and that if he puts me in that position, I would never ever talk to him again. Well, he explained that the last two weeks were very hard on him and that now he does not feel like dating anyone. He did say that he wanted to go out with me. Anyway, I thought a bit about it all and came to the conclusion that I would not worry about him now. Yeah, I am trying to remember about my boundaries .. that's hard Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Of course it could be said that Marriage before sex creates expectations which are equally unhealthy. Very unhealthy. In my opinion, the mix of marriage and sex has nothing to do with God! I disagree. It's made very clear in the bible. Link to post Share on other sites
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